Whenever I create, I am always disappointed by the general reaction I get. "Meh." Regardless of what I do, I might get a comment of two, but largely, it's a big old silence. It might be the depression talking, but I think I figured out the source. I have a difficult time connecting emotionally with people. This, in turn, is reflected in my work, which is often only surfaces or things that only I found amusing, which in reality is either not that good or profound.

Growing up, "being on the spectrum" was not a thing. Autism was reserved for only those severely affected; non-verbal or barely verbal, but able to do amazing recall in the right situation. However, I've long wondered if perhaps I am touched to some degree. Or maybe I'm just socially awkward. Regardless, I've never had lot of friends, and the few that I had, I often felt like the relationship was lopsided; I never really felt like I had a "best friend" growing up, the sort of mutual bond where two people hang out all the time. I still feel easily intimidated and about four seconds from being mocked because I'm not on the same page as everyone else unless I hide behind a mask.

As an adult, I still feel like I don't experience the same world as everyone else. I don't understand the concept of spirituality. I have difficulty reading social cues. And I'm aggressively neutral to most people. I know when I've tried to perform, I have no idea how to read the crowd, because I'm so focused on doing the thing; the audience hardly exists. And this is what makes my writing, musical collages, my videos for the most part– meh. I cannot connect because I don't know how.

I've been told that I come off as aloof, but the truth of the matter, when I'm with a group of people, I'm simultaneously trying to be not noticed and hoping that I can find one person I can connect with. I usually fail at the latter. Often I feel like an interloper or just tolerated, and if I were to withdraw quietly from the group, no one would notice... or care. Most of the time, I'm right, or it just feels that way; no comments, no inquires.

So, I put stuff out there occasionally because I have the compulsion to create. It's not really for the praise– something I get extremely rarely, if at all– but for the act of creativity. But it's hard to sustain because I am all about surfaces. I don't really believe in a soul, so I'm not sure if it's right to call it "soulless", but it is plagued by mediocrity. That's the best that I got.