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an interesting realization (kinda long and rambly)
5 years ago
Hello to all who receive this~
(just a bit of reflection and ramblings about a recent realization which may or may not make sense x3)
i had depression for a long long time in the past, even on and off after the worst was over, it was a struggle, and sometimes, still is, it's not just one thing wrong (at least in my case) it is the accumulation of countless small details which added up to why i hated myself so much, so many things i considered "failures", unfinished tasks or chores, the feeling that i was (/am?) neglecting people every time i thought about friends i haven't chatted with in a long time (more than a few days if not a week or more) the lack of any substantial progress (no job yet, struggling to keep things clean, struggling to maintain a decent sleep schedule, decent nutrition, even something as basic as bathing on a regular basis), but honestly, i've come to understand (both logically, and now finally emotionally) that this is simply a vicious cycle, the lack of progress causes depression, the depression makes it hard to make progress, the cycle builds until it is paralytic, but now, i've begun breaking those chains one at a time, the hard part is keeping the chains from rebuilding themselves; if i am going to move forward, i either need to force myself through the darkness to make progress, and/or i need to stop harshly berating myself for lack of progress, i need to forgive myself, much like a chinese finger trap, pulling makes it tighter, making it harder to get free, this is an example of a negative feedback loop, pushing the ends together makes it looser, freeing your fingers, this is a positive feedback loop, the point is, in a really convoluted way, if i can forgive myself, i won't hate myself as much, this makes it easier to overall stop hating myself, which makes it easier to forgive, which causes a positive feedback loop cascading into being able to make more progress and feel better and basically, it triggers a domino effect where as long as i try, everything will get better. lately, i have been in an unusually good mood, and have made some significant progress around the house, and simply put, it feels good to finally be truly happy (my mood is usually neutral) and basically, so far at least, i am using that good mood to make more and more progress, forgiving myself and letting go of many of those perceived failures, and as long as i can keep momentum going, i may just fix my mind yet :3
tl;dr; feeling sad that you are feeling sad is a mental trap, resulting in a vicious cycle hard to break, but if nothing else, it teaches you something; to simply be happy about being happy the next time you become genuinely very happy (so once the feedback loop of sadness is broken, it opens the way for a feedback loop of happiness, similar to how harsh storms often make the calm afterwards seem all the more welcome ^^)
i had depression for a long long time in the past, even on and off after the worst was over, it was a struggle, and sometimes, still is, it's not just one thing wrong (at least in my case) it is the accumulation of countless small details which added up to why i hated myself so much, so many things i considered "failures", unfinished tasks or chores, the feeling that i was (/am?) neglecting people every time i thought about friends i haven't chatted with in a long time (more than a few days if not a week or more) the lack of any substantial progress (no job yet, struggling to keep things clean, struggling to maintain a decent sleep schedule, decent nutrition, even something as basic as bathing on a regular basis), but honestly, i've come to understand (both logically, and now finally emotionally) that this is simply a vicious cycle, the lack of progress causes depression, the depression makes it hard to make progress, the cycle builds until it is paralytic, but now, i've begun breaking those chains one at a time, the hard part is keeping the chains from rebuilding themselves; if i am going to move forward, i either need to force myself through the darkness to make progress, and/or i need to stop harshly berating myself for lack of progress, i need to forgive myself, much like a chinese finger trap, pulling makes it tighter, making it harder to get free, this is an example of a negative feedback loop, pushing the ends together makes it looser, freeing your fingers, this is a positive feedback loop, the point is, in a really convoluted way, if i can forgive myself, i won't hate myself as much, this makes it easier to overall stop hating myself, which makes it easier to forgive, which causes a positive feedback loop cascading into being able to make more progress and feel better and basically, it triggers a domino effect where as long as i try, everything will get better. lately, i have been in an unusually good mood, and have made some significant progress around the house, and simply put, it feels good to finally be truly happy (my mood is usually neutral) and basically, so far at least, i am using that good mood to make more and more progress, forgiving myself and letting go of many of those perceived failures, and as long as i can keep momentum going, i may just fix my mind yet :3
tl;dr; feeling sad that you are feeling sad is a mental trap, resulting in a vicious cycle hard to break, but if nothing else, it teaches you something; to simply be happy about being happy the next time you become genuinely very happy (so once the feedback loop of sadness is broken, it opens the way for a feedback loop of happiness, similar to how harsh storms often make the calm afterwards seem all the more welcome ^^)
