FA+
Shop
I have decided that I want to live.
5 years ago
Hello,
So in the vein of some fairly serious journals, here's another one.
Some of you may know that a woman (And her 2 children) has recently, in the past few months, come back into my life. I have had a handful of relationships, and the only consistent thing was the intensity of the trainwreck. Because they always ended in fire.
Also recently, more trauma my mind had concealed to help me survive, at the hands of an immediate family member, came to light, and it was worse, so much worse, than I thought, or remembered. In fact, it couldn't have possibly been worse, and it came to light that this person has been trying to get me, in one way or another, to commit suicide because of the guilt they feel over the things they have done. And, this is one of the people who raised me.
SO...
I have to deal with that, and I think I am doing pretty good, except what they did to me has literally colored all of my relationships.
And caused them to fail.
Last night, me and this woman had a fun, sexy night planned, and it started out okay, but ended with me feeling insulted by something she said, getting VERY upset with her, and her withdrawing from me and leaving me feeling justified.
This morning, she confronted me and asked if I was still upset... I told her I will NOT be disrespected in my own home, ESPECIALLY when I am doing my utmost to keep her safe, fed, and comfortable. Sorry, I see a lot of women walk all over their men and I will NOT be one of those guys.
Turns out, she didn't have that tone, and if she did, it was not in her heart t insult me. As she put it... Why would she bite the hand that feeds her?
Well now, this is wonderful.
Because, for a few reasons, I am learning more about HER as a person, her motives, (Not all women are vicious monsters who just want to tear men apart) and the way women work.
Here are a few things I have found out. YMMV, these are truths I know. they do not apply to everyone, I get that.
Us men are driven by facts. We have a slow, steady trail we walk, and we will not often depart from that trail. A single fact, however, can get us walking down a similar path, but in the same direction. Does that make sense?
From what I have seen, women are not this way. Women are more emotionally steered and driven. This is not a bad thing, in fact, it's (part of...) what attracts us men to women (If that's your thing). A woman can be 100% invested in a relationship, and into a guy, and the guy has to slowly come out of his shell to trust her, to let her in, to learn to be vulnerable to her. Of course, if she hurts him, that makes it hard.
I see it like this. Men, and women, are ships int he ocean. Us men have a rudder that steers us, but our rudder is small. It takes time for the massive ship to change direction.
For women, their rudder is much larger, but when it turns, their ship can change fairly quickly. The problem isn't the rudder, though, the problem is the windows in her vessel. She starts out, all the windows showing bright, clear, white light, or perhaps with a soft red glow of love... The problem is, as she feels insulted, or damaged, or let down, those lights begin to dim. A few lights going dim, the ship is still lit up... But when enough lights go dim, she can die inside. If she isn't careful, her rudder can begin to steer her ship away from his.
THE PROBLEM.
The problem with men, is that society teaches us to lust after women. To want sex. Who teaches men to appreciate all of who a woman is? To nurture, care for, and temper her? Almost no-one. We are taught to chase tail, to want sex. We are taught women are perfect the way they are, and that is also completely untrue.
Women are never taught to be in control of their emotions. Women are taught to "Feel freely". (I am woman, I am right! How may of us men have experienced this? Some women even admit it! They are always right! Wrong!!!) This is a great error. Our feelings change, constantly, and life always throws us around. Kim, the woman in my life, has said, if she is hurt, or offended, she gives herself a day to see if she still feels that way. If after a day, she still feels hurt, she gives it another day.
She is inadvertently tempering her emotions this way.
I have dated women who, when offended, they just run with it. Hurting me, and our relationship.
In my life, I have seen countless men treat women like objects, stifling their hearts and minds, desiring sex, and stopping there in their own development. This is so damaging!
I have also seen many women (80% of divorces are filed by women) give up on their men and run away, before the issues can be ironed out. This damaged the men (Who many times will end their own lives) and damages the women, as, statistically speaking, drastically increases the chances of future divorces. If only they would have turned their emotions down and stuck with it for just a little while longer. I think, society teaches people to "Get out of toxic relationship!" Too soon. "You deserve to be happy!" they say. Well, these people often end up twice as unhappy in the end. They can "Never be wrong" right into dying alone. (Not with an SO)
Anyways, after we talked this morning, I was, again, lead to understand her better. Turns out, the devils in my mind that constantly whisper fear and discord in my heart, are being proven wrong. I am finding this woman, to be a virtuous and loyal woman, a woman of tempered emotion. What marvel is this to me? We are REAL with each other, we hold NOTHING back, and we are 100% honest with one another... If it was anything less, what would be the profit in that?! If I can't be real with someone, do I want them in my life? I put on a "face" for people (And so did she) for so long, we're both utterly sick and tired of it. We won't have fakeness in our lives any more.
Now, before you start reminding yourself of how lonely you are, remember, dear reader, I spent nearly all of my 40 years in crippling loneliness. DO NOT ENVY ME.
In fact, it wasn't until I was finally, truly happy alone, that I was given Kim, and only a literal moment after I "Saw myself" in my van, with a delicious beer, belly laughing over youtube videos, enjoying my life, after years of being "The worlds most miserable man" ™ diagnosed bipolar 2, OCD, with severe depression.
Okay, I went all over the place with this, but in walmart today, with Kim, we were so relieved to see the barren shelves somewhat re stocked, I found myself ultra-grateful for the things I had constantly taken for granted. In a moment I believe of God, God had shown me where nearly every moment of my life, in pure misery, I had said to myself, "I can't wait for this shit to end. Fuck, I just want to die. Fuck ALL this shit. God damn pointless bullshit that never ends..." (<--- 40 constant, passionate years of this!!!) and all the stuff that used to be true for me. I resolved there, that I would turn that attitude, that self-talk around, and start walking the opposite direction. It was the first time I had done so, on this level. I can tell you, the changes in my attitude and mood were immediate.
I suddenly became utterly grateful for all the wonderful things in my life... I resolved to continue my life, to provide for Kim and her (our) kids... (Again, do not remind yourself of your loneliness. This will keep you miserable! Instead, dear reader, endeavor to be content and happy as a single person. If you can accomplish this, you will be infinitely more happy with a SO. It is a grave disservice to place your happiness on someone else shoulders. It is a wonderful way to stay miserable! Be happy by yourself! It is possible!)
So, in that moment, I decided to cease the negative self-talk, my own languishing will combining so well with the talking devils, getting me to desire and crave death, to being happy I am alive, loving the wonderful things in my life, including my SO, to even beginning to love God. As strange as that sounds. I have always struggled with my idea of God, and attributed so much of my suffering as His direct hatred of me. All my life I believed this, with a righteous passion. And cautiously, today, in wal mart, I also decided that it was... "Safe" to love my Creator.
In fact, I encourage everyone reading this to allow God into your lives, I personally believe Jesus made the way, that is my belief. I think religion has damaged and distorted Gods true essence terribly, I am one of its victims. We are all just damaged humans in a broken world, trying to figure out how to get through life with the least amount of suffering as possible.
Every day it gets harder to hate people, to attribute their sins to them, as I see more and more brokenness in myself brought to light, not to shame me, but to be viewed for repair and right-alignment with unchanging truth.
Please, stop the negative self-talk, don't agree with the devils who wish to harm you. You are valuable, you are precious. Endeavor to be happy... By yourself. It is indeed, possible. Remember, these things have taken 40 years (!!!) for me to learn, trudging through endless sorrow, and suffering.
Remember, neuralplasticity takes time. But in order for your brain to change, you must endeavor to change. I am medication free, I have beaten most of the crippling depression. As I see how wonderful my life has always been, and practice being grateful for even the small things (Especially the small things! I just ate ramen (the 22c kind from wal mart, chicken flavor, with an egg!) noodles! They were good!) the neuralplasticity from depression, begins changing to a mind of joy. And gratitude.
Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy, and crave your solitude. Practice stoicism. (Being in control of your emotions) You are stronger than you can imagine. You can do this. Lasting change is rarely instant. Your progress won't be linear (Steady and always increasing) and that's okay... Try and be grateful for just one thing a week. Maybe get to one thing a day. Think on the GOOD things you have, NOT (!!!) what is bad! There will ALWAYS be bad things. There will ALWAYS be things that "Would be nice" to have. That we forget the amazing, wonderful things that we DO have.
So be grateful, guys. Be contented by yourselves.
The world will recover from the COVID thingy, and we will be TWICE as grateful for fully stocked shelves. I couldn't stop smiling in wal mart. I thanked a few employees. I joked with them and wished them good health. Things are gonna be okay my dudes.
I love you guys.
Be good (And strong) out there.
So in the vein of some fairly serious journals, here's another one.
Some of you may know that a woman (And her 2 children) has recently, in the past few months, come back into my life. I have had a handful of relationships, and the only consistent thing was the intensity of the trainwreck. Because they always ended in fire.
Also recently, more trauma my mind had concealed to help me survive, at the hands of an immediate family member, came to light, and it was worse, so much worse, than I thought, or remembered. In fact, it couldn't have possibly been worse, and it came to light that this person has been trying to get me, in one way or another, to commit suicide because of the guilt they feel over the things they have done. And, this is one of the people who raised me.
SO...
I have to deal with that, and I think I am doing pretty good, except what they did to me has literally colored all of my relationships.
And caused them to fail.
Last night, me and this woman had a fun, sexy night planned, and it started out okay, but ended with me feeling insulted by something she said, getting VERY upset with her, and her withdrawing from me and leaving me feeling justified.
This morning, she confronted me and asked if I was still upset... I told her I will NOT be disrespected in my own home, ESPECIALLY when I am doing my utmost to keep her safe, fed, and comfortable. Sorry, I see a lot of women walk all over their men and I will NOT be one of those guys.
Turns out, she didn't have that tone, and if she did, it was not in her heart t insult me. As she put it... Why would she bite the hand that feeds her?
Well now, this is wonderful.
Because, for a few reasons, I am learning more about HER as a person, her motives, (Not all women are vicious monsters who just want to tear men apart) and the way women work.
Here are a few things I have found out. YMMV, these are truths I know. they do not apply to everyone, I get that.
Us men are driven by facts. We have a slow, steady trail we walk, and we will not often depart from that trail. A single fact, however, can get us walking down a similar path, but in the same direction. Does that make sense?
From what I have seen, women are not this way. Women are more emotionally steered and driven. This is not a bad thing, in fact, it's (part of...) what attracts us men to women (If that's your thing). A woman can be 100% invested in a relationship, and into a guy, and the guy has to slowly come out of his shell to trust her, to let her in, to learn to be vulnerable to her. Of course, if she hurts him, that makes it hard.
I see it like this. Men, and women, are ships int he ocean. Us men have a rudder that steers us, but our rudder is small. It takes time for the massive ship to change direction.
For women, their rudder is much larger, but when it turns, their ship can change fairly quickly. The problem isn't the rudder, though, the problem is the windows in her vessel. She starts out, all the windows showing bright, clear, white light, or perhaps with a soft red glow of love... The problem is, as she feels insulted, or damaged, or let down, those lights begin to dim. A few lights going dim, the ship is still lit up... But when enough lights go dim, she can die inside. If she isn't careful, her rudder can begin to steer her ship away from his.
THE PROBLEM.
The problem with men, is that society teaches us to lust after women. To want sex. Who teaches men to appreciate all of who a woman is? To nurture, care for, and temper her? Almost no-one. We are taught to chase tail, to want sex. We are taught women are perfect the way they are, and that is also completely untrue.
Women are never taught to be in control of their emotions. Women are taught to "Feel freely". (I am woman, I am right! How may of us men have experienced this? Some women even admit it! They are always right! Wrong!!!) This is a great error. Our feelings change, constantly, and life always throws us around. Kim, the woman in my life, has said, if she is hurt, or offended, she gives herself a day to see if she still feels that way. If after a day, she still feels hurt, she gives it another day.
She is inadvertently tempering her emotions this way.
I have dated women who, when offended, they just run with it. Hurting me, and our relationship.
In my life, I have seen countless men treat women like objects, stifling their hearts and minds, desiring sex, and stopping there in their own development. This is so damaging!
I have also seen many women (80% of divorces are filed by women) give up on their men and run away, before the issues can be ironed out. This damaged the men (Who many times will end their own lives) and damages the women, as, statistically speaking, drastically increases the chances of future divorces. If only they would have turned their emotions down and stuck with it for just a little while longer. I think, society teaches people to "Get out of toxic relationship!" Too soon. "You deserve to be happy!" they say. Well, these people often end up twice as unhappy in the end. They can "Never be wrong" right into dying alone. (Not with an SO)
Anyways, after we talked this morning, I was, again, lead to understand her better. Turns out, the devils in my mind that constantly whisper fear and discord in my heart, are being proven wrong. I am finding this woman, to be a virtuous and loyal woman, a woman of tempered emotion. What marvel is this to me? We are REAL with each other, we hold NOTHING back, and we are 100% honest with one another... If it was anything less, what would be the profit in that?! If I can't be real with someone, do I want them in my life? I put on a "face" for people (And so did she) for so long, we're both utterly sick and tired of it. We won't have fakeness in our lives any more.
Now, before you start reminding yourself of how lonely you are, remember, dear reader, I spent nearly all of my 40 years in crippling loneliness. DO NOT ENVY ME.
In fact, it wasn't until I was finally, truly happy alone, that I was given Kim, and only a literal moment after I "Saw myself" in my van, with a delicious beer, belly laughing over youtube videos, enjoying my life, after years of being "The worlds most miserable man" ™ diagnosed bipolar 2, OCD, with severe depression.
Okay, I went all over the place with this, but in walmart today, with Kim, we were so relieved to see the barren shelves somewhat re stocked, I found myself ultra-grateful for the things I had constantly taken for granted. In a moment I believe of God, God had shown me where nearly every moment of my life, in pure misery, I had said to myself, "I can't wait for this shit to end. Fuck, I just want to die. Fuck ALL this shit. God damn pointless bullshit that never ends..." (<--- 40 constant, passionate years of this!!!) and all the stuff that used to be true for me. I resolved there, that I would turn that attitude, that self-talk around, and start walking the opposite direction. It was the first time I had done so, on this level. I can tell you, the changes in my attitude and mood were immediate.
I suddenly became utterly grateful for all the wonderful things in my life... I resolved to continue my life, to provide for Kim and her (our) kids... (Again, do not remind yourself of your loneliness. This will keep you miserable! Instead, dear reader, endeavor to be content and happy as a single person. If you can accomplish this, you will be infinitely more happy with a SO. It is a grave disservice to place your happiness on someone else shoulders. It is a wonderful way to stay miserable! Be happy by yourself! It is possible!)
So, in that moment, I decided to cease the negative self-talk, my own languishing will combining so well with the talking devils, getting me to desire and crave death, to being happy I am alive, loving the wonderful things in my life, including my SO, to even beginning to love God. As strange as that sounds. I have always struggled with my idea of God, and attributed so much of my suffering as His direct hatred of me. All my life I believed this, with a righteous passion. And cautiously, today, in wal mart, I also decided that it was... "Safe" to love my Creator.
In fact, I encourage everyone reading this to allow God into your lives, I personally believe Jesus made the way, that is my belief. I think religion has damaged and distorted Gods true essence terribly, I am one of its victims. We are all just damaged humans in a broken world, trying to figure out how to get through life with the least amount of suffering as possible.
Every day it gets harder to hate people, to attribute their sins to them, as I see more and more brokenness in myself brought to light, not to shame me, but to be viewed for repair and right-alignment with unchanging truth.
Please, stop the negative self-talk, don't agree with the devils who wish to harm you. You are valuable, you are precious. Endeavor to be happy... By yourself. It is indeed, possible. Remember, these things have taken 40 years (!!!) for me to learn, trudging through endless sorrow, and suffering.
Remember, neuralplasticity takes time. But in order for your brain to change, you must endeavor to change. I am medication free, I have beaten most of the crippling depression. As I see how wonderful my life has always been, and practice being grateful for even the small things (Especially the small things! I just ate ramen (the 22c kind from wal mart, chicken flavor, with an egg!) noodles! They were good!) the neuralplasticity from depression, begins changing to a mind of joy. And gratitude.
Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy, and crave your solitude. Practice stoicism. (Being in control of your emotions) You are stronger than you can imagine. You can do this. Lasting change is rarely instant. Your progress won't be linear (Steady and always increasing) and that's okay... Try and be grateful for just one thing a week. Maybe get to one thing a day. Think on the GOOD things you have, NOT (!!!) what is bad! There will ALWAYS be bad things. There will ALWAYS be things that "Would be nice" to have. That we forget the amazing, wonderful things that we DO have.
So be grateful, guys. Be contented by yourselves.
The world will recover from the COVID thingy, and we will be TWICE as grateful for fully stocked shelves. I couldn't stop smiling in wal mart. I thanked a few employees. I joked with them and wished them good health. Things are gonna be okay my dudes.
I love you guys.
Be good (And strong) out there.
- Peter
- Peter
Now I am sending power to you, make you stronger.
Hold on my friend