Back to the ol' grindstone, I suppose.

I'm feeling very low tonight and I've got my saddest Knuckle Puck songs on tap, so lets wring this out.

I'm part of this group of college furs known as 'The Furternity" (get it?). It was a vestige for me after Telegram crashed and burned. It felt great to be among similar-aged, similarly-determined lads and ladies. I could have a real conversation about my studies and interests and it's been good. No drama, no horseshit, but colleagues, in a way.
The leader of the Furternity began doing Jackbox nights three weeks ago for specific chapters to try and get people together and engaged in a fun fashion. It accomplished this goal, tonight was Washington's night. The first two games were nice, but then everyone wanted to switch over to the monster dating one, and I know this sounds stupid, but I failed miserably. It wasn't about winning, but I just couldn't seem to function at the timer ticked and every round I had to be paraded in front of everyone as the loner.
No laughs to be had here.

No foul rebuts to be had here, I simple bid adieu with an Irish goodbye. I felt depressed and on the verge of tears. Not because of my poor performance, but because the mechanics of that game flipped a switch in my mind that reminded me of all my romantic failures of the last year, especially a very recent one this week. All of a sudden, after all these months, my vestige because a reminder of my pain.
I left the server, the only thing keeping me on Discord. I don't believe I'll be returning.

I suppose I just dumped gasoline on my fire, here, as it was the last place to socialize for me. Sometimes I just need to tear down the old so I can build something new. perhaps this will redirect my focus to my studies, sketching, and guitar practice. Maybe this will accelerate my loneliness and depression. We'll see.

But right now, I need an outlet for my emotions, and considering I don't have alcohol or the patience for drawing, I'll have to settle for a journal and music that's just a little too loud.

While i'm here, speaking to my audience of one, I may as well talk about N. N was a close friend of mine. After my last boyfriend ghosted me on early February, N and I were both looking for a Valentine. Though just a Grindr hookup at first, we both enjoyed each other's company and continued to hang out long after that. We shared a lot of interests. We rode to my favorite burger joint on a sunny afternoon and he took me to a range he frequented. He wanted to get into radios, and who better to introduce him than I? We also had a lot of, erm, fun together. It helped that we both lived in the same city. What a godsend.

After the stay-at-home order, it put a damper on our ability to see each other. He took the order seriously, whereas I was completely happy with going to the grocery store and visiting my other friends when a window opened up. In this time, I had time to miss him and I realized I ought to do something with these feelings. I planned to ask him out the day that we saw each other again, but would hold off until I was sure.
When we finally reunited, we went on a long walk in the beautiful Spring weather. And during the return trip, he had something he wanted to tell me. For reference, our texts between each other were hinting at something during quarantine. He struggled to put the words out. I kind-of-jokingly said "are you gonna ask me out?" and the response to that was "The opposite, actually." In The nicest way possible, he said that he just likes me as a friend. This was backed up by the conversation we had on our walk prior, where he discussed displeasure with his current pattern of falling in and out of interests and partners as interests peak and fade. I understood, of course. Under the assurance that we could still hang out, we continued our walk and spent the rest of the day together. We ate dinner, made by him, and watched "The Vietnam War." The episode ended and the the sun had set. he decided to call it a night.

We walked out to my bike, the air was warm, the light was low. It was good day.

And then N told me that we shouldn't see each other or hang out for a while. I told him I understood, because what else was I gonna do?
I had this poisonous feeling that that was the last time I was ever going to see him. And that may very well be true. I sat on my bike, not even starting the engine. I stared down sullenly at my gas tank, taking a moment to reel in the moment. I dropped me visor, got her running, and looked up. There he was, waving goodbye to me.

N was my shelter in the storm as I realized that I'd never hear from Zenith again. Watching as my relationship silently unraveled. Through all of it, I had him. I knew that it was going to be okay. he was my friend.
And now I have fuck all.

Perhaps I haven't dealt with this new reality in full. Perhaps that's why I'm self destructing. Perhaps that's why I want to jump off a bridge tonight.
I don't know what to do. I've talked about this with a couple people and I'm still not over it.

I'm not a failure, I have my passions and curiosities. Lacking any opportunities for the time being and any place to be; I stew. I wish I had something to bury myself in that wasn't the dirt.
Writing about this has helped, I don't feel in as dire a mood, yet I still feel like I'll never be able to find someone to come home to. Someone other than myself to pour my efforts into. I've seen too many faces come and go, and I only hope that my experiences strengthen me. That's all there's left to hope for, after all.