Sorry for my absence... -- Frisky-Lime's Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

Sorry for my absence...

5 years ago

I'm not sure how to say this, it's kind of embarrassing and also just... I dunno. I had a relapse in a lot of the symptoms I mentioned a month ago, and I've just been away from my computer alot more lately. At the time, I didn't realize what I was experiencing was full blown cabin fever/anxiety/depression, but I never imagined it could be this bad or come on this quick. I feel completely lost... I lost all joy for everything I use to love. I can't seem to concentrate on hardly anything. The second I get up every day and sit at my desk I'm like... I don't really want to be here. I don't know how to get through the next 14 hours at least that I need to be up in a day. If I try to nap it off anymore than that, it just gives me headaches and makes me feel worse, and I began to realize just how much I miss working. My job may of just been a trash job at a fast food joint, but... I liked my boss and I liked my co-workers. I feel like they cared about me, and I cared about them. I felt depended on, and despite that constant spiral of chaos and stress. I was happy. I was part of a team, and I've lost that... Everything has gone to shit there and everyone who use to work there is gone and I regret leaving. If I had any idea it would of taken the toll on me that it has, I never would of left. It's that bad that the anxiety and panic attacks I've been having are leading to seizure level events. I never imagined things could be this hard, and if I'd known this would happen, I would of risked staying. I'm still considering trying to go back and start over even as bad as things have gotten there, but I guess it depends on the next month or two...

I've been to the hospital a couple times already now, and they've enrolled me in a day program to go talk with a psychiatrist, and be around other people who are also struggling with these kinds of symptoms. I'll be able to talk to people and apparently they give lunch too. I'm really hoping this will help me and if what I'm experiencing really is just a case of severe cabin fever and work/social unfulfillment, at least then I can better understand what's happening to me and how to fight it, but I'm still worried that I'll never be able to go back to exactly how I was. When I said I lost all joy for everything, I mean everything. Gaming, drawing, cooking, walking, even smoking and... sexual habits, as embarrassing at that is to say, it's the truth. I pretty much quit all of it and can get little to no motivation or excitement or strength for any of it. I've been away from my computer quite a bit lately because I just can't bare to be here. I have so much free time and no when to put it, even just sitting here right now trying to type all this is making me feel a bit gross. I just want to go back... I know the virus outbreak isn't my fault, but I feel like I made a mistake and I feel like maybe even I was complacent in thinking things could go on like normal and now my entire life is upside down. I don't know how to cope, but hopefully this program I'm going to and a daily schedule will work for me. I can't seem to force it on myself, I can only seem to follow a schedule and keep any structure in my life when someone else is expecting and depending on me to do so...

Anyways... I'm sorry if I worry anyone out there. I still glad that there are people out there who I know still care about me, people who love me. I'll never forget about them and never do anything truly stupid to myself, but at the current moment, I'm absolutely shattered and in disarray. I'm so utterly distressed and I wish none of this had ever happened.

**EDIT** Positive note, first day of therapy went pretty well I think, and I'm in a good mood at the moment. I'm not feeling agitated to be at my desk at the moment, so I think I'll take an hour to work on some arts I'd started on earlier, but even if I do suddenly feel gross again, it's not too early for me to go to bed right now if I need to, so I feel like I can actually escape that way properly for once instead of oversleeping, but hopefully that won't happen in the next hour. xP

22 Comments

Daniel Ferris ~dakinu

King of Knives

5 years ago

It's ok to take a break. It's not like fa is your job, right? I also know daily structure is important fof a lot of folk. It's a subtle bonus of having a job... like socialization is.

Frisky-Lime ~frisky-lime

Digital Artist

5 years ago

Oh yeah, I know, but a lot of people seem to like what I do, and I've been wanting to get back into the swing of things for awhile. Feel like I took one step forward, then suddenly was like OOPS! SHOOTS! back to square one again. I even started working on a new piece of art, got through a good portion of it, then suddenly crashed again. I want to try and get at least that much done even in the middle of all this if I can, because it was going pretty well before crashed again. x.x;

BinturongBoy ~binturongboy

5 years ago

Hey dude, please don't worry about trying to come back we'd rather you take care of yourself first then rush into something you're not wanting yet. I'm glad to hear you're around and as well as can be at the moment as you've been on my mind alot. I honestly hope the best for you and that something comes your way soon, sending you lots of support dude! Stay strong!

Frisky-Lime ~frisky-lime

Digital Artist

5 years ago

Daw, thanks for responding dude! I still think about you by the way even though I haven't chatted with yuh in quite awhile. I hope you're doing well there. First day of therapy went pretty well here. I like the people and the also gave me lots of info and more recommendations to tell me regular doctor when I see him come June 5th.

BinturongBoy ~binturongboy

5 years ago

Tbh I've been in a super tight spot too but working through it, I'm really glad to hear that your first day went so well here's hoping for your recovery

Zoran ~experiment626

5 years ago

Oh jeez I’m so sorry all this has happened to you.*hugs* (virus be damned!) I’m probably going to repeat what people have been saying but your own health is way more important then being online and even while being able to interact online is easier I’d say actual people are just as important. I hope this ends soon but hang in there!

Frisky-Lime ~frisky-lime

Digital Artist

5 years ago

Yeeeeah.. Sorry I hadn't got around to poking you on telegrams yet. This would be the reason, but I do still intend to when I'm feeling better. *huuuugs*

Zoran ~experiment626

5 years ago

*hugs* Its ok!

Omnikitsune ~omnikitsune

Writer

5 years ago

*hugs* Just do what you need to to be healthy and fit both mentally and physically, Frisky. That's what matters most right now. We want you to be able to be happy. I hope this treatment helps. And please don't feel bad if you can't be on FA as much while you go through this. We want you to take care of you first.

Trito ~trito

5 years ago

I learned that my dog is my godsend in these times.

I went from having a steady job and steady routine to losing it all. It took a good few weeks to get one back, but I take walks now every morning and evening with my dog, and they're long ones too. It helps keeping me in shape and my dog in shape, and our routines in shape, especially now.

Find yourself a good routine to fall into; let the routine do the heavy lifting of deciding what to do. Even if it's as simple as doing extra chores, or maybe something you wanted to have done a long time ago but never really started. Make it a project.

I have anxiety as well, and making a plan and letting it decide what I do is really relaxing. I'm very much an introvert so it's a little easier for me I guess. Try to push yourself, just don't break yourself while doing it. The only superpowers humans have are our intelligence, the ability to sweat and to get used to any new situation no matter how hard it can get or how low you fall.

I'm really glad therapy is working for you. Get well soon.

Frisky-Lime ~frisky-lime

Digital Artist

5 years ago

I wish I could have a dog. I've always wanted one, but never had the space for one.

KennyKitsune ~kennykitsune

Fursuiter

5 years ago

*huggles gently and snuggles warmly*

Rashauno ~rashauno

Art collecter, job seeker

5 years ago

frisky take care of your self while a lot of us want to see your art if you dont prioritise you then we will all lose out in the end so if you need to take a break or just stop all together for a while or untill you feel better then do so while we love your art and giveing you our money for it no ammount of money is worth hurting yiur self over.

ceagle ~ceagle

Feathery

5 years ago

You can pull thru, critter! ^v^

Adamdafox ~adamdafox

Photographer

5 years ago

It’s ok to take a break, fur affinity isn’t your job, take your time and I’ll be waiting for you

iAmInHere ~iaminhere

5 years ago

I don't quite understand why you quit that job. I mean if the CO workers and the boss was nice, then it's only a job in terms of earning extra money with the furry porn money. I don't know if you heard the saying "find a job you love, and you won't have to work a day in your life"
Anyway, I hope you get better very soon.

Frisky-Lime ~frisky-lime

Digital Artist

5 years ago

Mostly just fear of the virus outbreak. There's a lot of people in and out of my job, and we didn't have shielded counters or a window. The store was small too, so to me, the exposure chance was way too high. Plus I don't really think of fast food as "essential", if I really need to eat, I can get groceries and cook for myself. I mean the ease of access is nice, but I didn't think it was worth it to risk getting sick, and I got sick with this instead. v.v

iAmInHere ~iaminhere

5 years ago

Ain't there regulations in palace where you live to prevent that kind of stuff from happening?

Frisky-Lime ~frisky-lime

Digital Artist

5 years ago

Not really unfortunately... I mean, most people are wearing masks, but that's basically it. There's still way too much movement and person density, so the risk is still greater.

iAmInHere ~iaminhere

5 years ago

Naw man that sucks, I wish you good luck

CaptainFurry ~captainfurry

The One Who Is Many

5 years ago

Glad to hear you're feeling better. You're not alone.

Frisky-Lime ~frisky-lime

Digital Artist

5 years ago

Yeah, there's a lot of people who's lives have been destroyed by this pandemic, one way or another. <:( I'm feeling a bit better now, but I'm unsure how well I can maintain. The mental help program I'm in is helping, but ultimately I'm going to have to learn how to enforce a schedule on myself, and not be dependent on the idea of it being a job that I absolutely have to go to in order to keep, but also be something I can actually enjoy enough to do for at least 6 hours a day. For some odd reason, I just can't seem to stay engaged unless someone else is truly depending on me to be there and do it. I get bored of a task easily if it's not bringing something to someone else's life and it's not something outside of the house. It's a frustrating trait I have, but that's just how I am.

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