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Starting anew
5 years ago
Things have been hard since leaving my old account, and really distancing myself from the fandom in a whole. I never wanted to stop, but things in my life just got so hectic and eventually I just stopped going through my messages. It may not mean a lot to someone else, but everyday I would log in to see all the art that was posted and I’d even browse the front page to find new people to follow, so losing out on seeing all of the art kinda fucking sucks. But procrastination just makes things worse, and not only am I still missing out on art being posted but I never even finished going through my old account and refollowing everyone I used to know.
I feel like a ghost. Back in the day I had friends on here, people who I would message a lot and we’d share art and give gifts and act like we knew each other for half our lives. Now I have one friend and I’m not even sure if most of the people I used to know are still around much. I know a lot of who I knew were because of Mutuals from that one manipulator and groomer, and once they were called out we banded together but after a while we just lost it, I think. I hope you all are doing well, and not succumbing to more bad people in your lives. I did and still do care about you all. Though I probably won’t reach out as I have nothing to talk about anymore and y’all are probably off doing your own thing nowadays. Especially since I think we were all just teenagers at that point.
You know I first joined FA when I was 12? I’m 20 now. I think I left when I was around 17-18, so about 5 years of being an active community member! Now it’s back at square one..
I’ve changed a lot over the years, and I don’t think attaching myself to my old account will do me any good at this point.
My life is not great right now. I think I talked briefly in my last journal how nice life was going, turns out it was just a manic episode and those just happen sometimes now. COVID also brought my life to a halt. I haven’t really seen any of my friends of family in months. It was about right after my birthday that things shut down, and that was the end of February. All of my favorite holidays are getting cancelled. And now I can’t even leave the house if I wanted too because transit stopped running, and I live in the backwoods behind the downtown area so I have to walk hours to get anywhere. So for about 4ish months now I’ve just been hard hitting depression, and cabin fever.
Some good has come out of it, like forcing me to come to terms with being trans. Downside of that is the constant dysphoria, and figuring out what would be the best way to come out to my family about it. I also know very little about how to start the transition, and have been avoiding going to the doctors for anything for at least a year and half now so I’m at a standstill really until this virus blows over. I was even in college until I had to halt my payments due to needing the extra money every month from covid.
What was the point of this journal? Idk. I miss what I used to have here, and trying to start anew fucking blows.
I miss my friends
Edit: oh, also, happy pride month y’all
You're always welcome to reach out to me if you want someone to talk to. I majorly suck at making conversation, but I've wondered every so often how you've been so it's nice to get the chance to say hi again. :) I'm most active on Discord, which is listed on my profile, if you'd like to chat anytime.
In other news, happy pride and welcome to the trans club!
And thank you for the welcome- it feels nice to finally not hear the sting of she/her anymore on my ears. And I’m beyond excited to get on T and have my voice drop
god, i definitely feel you there when it comes to starting anew. it sure felt a lot easier when we were just kids, and there was so much less to worry about. not a lot of good came from that time in my life, but knowing you and sharing our time on this site was one of the best. i'm always here for you if you want to chat, whether it's been years or not. i'm proud of you man, i hope you have a great pride month and i wish you nothing but the best with your transition!
I hope you’re doing well too, I peeked at your gallery and you’ve been improving so much since I last saw your stuff it’s fantastic
Thanks for sharing your updates on coming to terms with your trans nature too. I'm looking at my own dysphoria, and it's nice in a sense to know that others are figuring out the same things for their selves. I hope in the months ahead that you find the words that you need to speak to your family. :)
For me, you have always been the rebel and the survivor. It's inspiring! Being 20 means that you only have more room to grow and more joy to find. :D