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Because I'm no longer sure what else to to
5 years ago
General
Before I get started, I want to make a few things perfectly clear. First of all, I am not suicidal, as I have learned not too long ago, I have neither the will nor the courage to stop being a burden to everyone in my life. Second of all I apologize for bothering the few people who will read this little incoherent pity party rant I am throwing for myself right now. I didn't want to make any of these feelings public, but I find the screaming them into the void is no longer working, and I just can't keep it in any longer.
To make a long story short, I hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. I hate that I am mentally ill enough to be unable to work, and yet mentally sound enough to not receive disability. I hate how I am just imaginative enough to come up ideas for things, but lack the creativity to follow through with any of it. I hate how I unwittingly trick the people in my life into thinking I am somehow competent, when in truth I am barely able to function.
I really can't stand the idea of existing anymore, but as stated before am unable to bring myself to be able to end it all. Everything feels like it is too much to handle. My mind buzzes, and I dont know how to make it stop. I just loathe bring me, and nothing seems to help.
Once again I am sorry I bothered the few people who will see this post. As cliches as it sounds, I really don't expect or want sympathy or attention from anyone. I just couldn't be silent anymore, and cannot talk to my family about it without them having me call a crisis line, or going to the emergency room, and I really don't need that right now.
Anyway, thank you for allowing me to unload on you all. As I said at least three times now, silence was becoming more painful letting it out in this limited form
To make a long story short, I hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. I hate that I am mentally ill enough to be unable to work, and yet mentally sound enough to not receive disability. I hate how I am just imaginative enough to come up ideas for things, but lack the creativity to follow through with any of it. I hate how I unwittingly trick the people in my life into thinking I am somehow competent, when in truth I am barely able to function.
I really can't stand the idea of existing anymore, but as stated before am unable to bring myself to be able to end it all. Everything feels like it is too much to handle. My mind buzzes, and I dont know how to make it stop. I just loathe bring me, and nothing seems to help.
Once again I am sorry I bothered the few people who will see this post. As cliches as it sounds, I really don't expect or want sympathy or attention from anyone. I just couldn't be silent anymore, and cannot talk to my family about it without them having me call a crisis line, or going to the emergency room, and I really don't need that right now.
Anyway, thank you for allowing me to unload on you all. As I said at least three times now, silence was becoming more painful letting it out in this limited form
As Dearshul says, it sounds like you do need something...maybe just someone to talk to and listen. I'm no therapist, but though I know we don't know each other well, if you ever feel like talking might help, I'm happy to lend an ear.
And you've followed through on those many times with Dearshull and even with me when we've spoken together and written. I can't pretend to understand what you're going through, and as you said, you don't want pity. I just wanted to remind you that you do have amazing skills and talents that are very much appreciated.
If you need to talk, send me a PM here on FA. I like to be a listening ear for my friends when/if they need it.