Seems like that's all I've been posting lately. I don't want to go too deep into my own personal shit here. I don't want people to worry about me or feel like I'm dragging them down.

But with that being said I will admit to the fact that I have not been in a good mental state as late. And I'm posting this journal in an attempt to be a little more transparent about some of the shit I've been going through in hopes that my small group of friends and followers can understand where I'm coming from.

First and foremost, something a lot of my friends don't know about me is the fact that I have a learning disability. I fall on the low end of the Aspbergers spectrum. While I do NOT have an anti-social personality disorder, I do sometimes have anti-social tendencies. I do not always react to things the way a "normal" person would. I miss social cues. I have trouble "reading the room" and filtering myself. It's something I've been struggling with my entire life. My behavior can be off-putting to people who don't know me well and it's something I'm very self-aware about.

I've also undergone a tremendous amount of personal growth these past few years. Things like just learning how to cope with the various responsibilities of adult life while also juggling relationships and my personal life.

And in all honesty i do not always cope well. I have a tendency to stay quiet about my problems because for a very long time i felt as if that was what was expected of me as an adult. Feeling upset wasn't productive. Being unhappy didn't help anything. Sadness was a "luxury" i could not afford because in many ways i felt as if i did not have the time to feel sorry for myself. I had to keep moving forward else just to meet the basic requirements for survival.

And while lately I've been trying to address and cope with these feelings and have been more open expressing them that doesn't mean they're not present still. I oftentimes feel helpless. I oftentimes feel useless. Like i have no control over my life and am just following the basic motions in order to survive. I've lost a lot of the drive i had when i was younger. And in many ways it feels nearly all my time and energy goes into the mere act of survival and I have nothing left to help me pursue the things that make me happy.

I spent so long trying to please others i forgot how to take care of myself. And now I'm reduced to a state where i constantly feel I'm one step away from breaking down entirely.

I've had some dark thoughts as late. Thoughts such as "I'm nothing but a burden on other people." "I'm lazy and selfish and don't deserve to be happy." "I don't want to exist in this society anymore." "I want it all to stop." "I want to run away."

And yes on occasion..."My life is nothing but pain. I don't want to live anymore."

While I've never attempted suicide or even really seriously considered killing myself these thoughts do scare me and I wonder what I might be driven to do. I know there are people out there who care for me and that is what keeps me going. But I need to find a reason to live that is purely my own and I'm still searching for that.

I'm not going anywhere. But I may be a bit silent for a while as many of the things i witness online are not good for my mental state right now. Those of you who have my contact info are still welcome to talk to me. But i may be slow to respond as i figure things out.

In the following days I'm going to be seeking out some professional help. I think I'll be alright. But i do need some time to myself.