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Coming out of the closet
5 years ago
At least on here.
So, me and my former mate have separated. She is a woman, with 2 kids, and we tried to make it work. I was completely honest with her about my past struggles and sexual hangups/experimentation from the beginning. I was so honest, in fact, that it scared her and she stayed away from me for a little over a year, then contacted me when she needed the help of a guy who could go full mercenary on someone's ass (Actual work i have done and been trained for), and was decent with tech.
So, I helped her out of a pretty awful situation, and one night, we just got to talking. We talked for a long time, and I felt like, a connection was made.
Shortly after, we decided to give "us" a go.
It caused all sorts of division with all sorts of people, so eventually she, and her kids, moved in with me.
I did my best to provide for them and keep them safe. It was hard, because my fledgling business is still struggling to make ends meet, but I did do my best and tried not to withhold anything that could benefit them.
Now, keep in mind, I recently found out (I do not remember my childhood, but a friend of the family told me! When he said it suddenly my entire life made sense! All my struggles, EVERYTHING!) that I was severely abused by both my parents, even sexually, and one of them felt so bad they were actually trying to get me to commit suicide! I wondered why this person had such an ability to destroy me at the drop of a hat...
I was abused also, by both sexes, especially cruelly abused by females, a lot, growing up, and am even occasionally treated spitefully now.
I went from being a misogynist (Hating all women) to adopting the MGTOW (Look it up. It is a philosophy of men who reject traditional gender roles) philosophy as I struggled with crippling loneliness and homosexuality.
All of my life I have struggled with a desire for men, as I viewed women as cruel and hateful in their cores (I don't any more. Not since my ex), plus the fact that I just enjoyed the intimacy...
So my ex and I would argue a LOT, as I sorted through my own trauma, and kept putting her into the mold of my exes and how they treated me, not realizing she was a completely different woman, and a good woman. I am only now realizing this.
Towards the end she said I did not really love or want her, and that I was with her and the kids because, as she said, I thought it was what I wanted, but I do not.
I would argue with her passionately about how wrong she is, but in the end, she was actually right. About everything.
As I was totally honest with her about my struggles, I had been tempted severely after a few arguments we had, to meet up with a guy from a gay app, and, I was too afraid to delete my account before then, I only deleted the app, so I got so tired of being tempted by it that I downloaded the app and deleted the account and backup. I briefly chatted with a guy, just to try and sort through those feelings.
It took a lot of soul searching and working with my Creator to finally realize that she was right. I still have massive feelings and attraction to men.
Do I like women, yes, absolutely. The feminine form appeals to my instincts. I guess that makes me bisexual.
She was not willing to wait around for me to sort out my stuff with men, as I told her, this is a thing I must do, even if it kills me, the other option is to remain celibate (Tried for 40 years, passionately so. Doesn't work.) or be with a woman and also men on the side, or something like that- something she considered but wasn't willing to embark on.
She is a very attractive woman, with one of the most beautiful hearts and souls I have ever seen, and she is used to being wanted, badly by men. I was not able to give that to her, especially how the woman before her ripped my heart out and my soul to shreds. Given time, likely I could have given her what she wanted, but she had had enough. I was an "Emotional roller coaster" and as she said, she "Wanted off."
The alternative, if I do not work this guy stuff out somehow, is that in 30 years I tell her I am leaving her for another man, because those feelings never got worked out, and pushing them down only makes them stronger, but in the dark.
Working with my Creator I have come SO FAR in my understanding of myself, the opposite sex, and my own sex. I now no longer hate women or harbor any active resentment towards them, as I grow to understand they are just people trying to survive and cope the best they can. There is still darkness and resentment I will have to deal with here and there, but the root of it all has been struck down, which is a good thing.
I am grieved about how good a woman my ex is, and how I did not see that until after we split up. She is truly a wonderful person and I grieve over what might have been. However, unless this root of same-sex attraction is dealt with, I have nothing to offer her, or any woman, unless she is willing to "share" me, and I don't know of too many women willing to do that.
That said, the kids bonded to me severely, and I do love them. We both agreed that while she has moved out, the kids stay in my life. I look forward to mentoring them, teaching them survival skills, shooting skills, fighting skills, practical life skills that will help them stay safe and competent in this world. Teach them how to cope, as much as I know how, myself. In some ways I am a hot mess, obviously.
So as I explore this, I am doing so from a position of being unafraid and unashamed. I am making friends, and connecting with men who have been shamed their whole lives and struggle with acceptance. It is kind of sad that true human connection on some of these apps is so rare, but it is there for anyone who wants to be real. I also am exploring my own body, which I have abused and injured sexually, and learning to treat myself with kindness, tenderness, and dignity. I think as men we need to be more familiar with our bodies, unashamed, and get to know ourselves better.
About my faith, yes, I know what the Bible says about it. I have read the Bible from cover to cover. As I believe we are living in the last days, I believe Gods grace is poured out onto all flesh, even gays. In a way, I feel like God is with me on this journey, as backwards as that sounds, if God truly does love me, and He is omnipotent, He can see me through this. Please, if you have something religious or disparaging against me or what I am doing, please save it, and use your time on something more constructive.
Edit: We talked yesterday and she admitted to me that she had kept secrets from me. The single secret she revealed made me realize I had carried 85 percent of the relationship while she carried 15 percent. I literally risked my life for her to stand in the gap. But it feels like to her, it was all just a game. A game a child could play and not suffer any consequences. I guess for her there aren't any. But for me, I lost a part of my heart I will never get back.
So, me and my former mate have separated. She is a woman, with 2 kids, and we tried to make it work. I was completely honest with her about my past struggles and sexual hangups/experimentation from the beginning. I was so honest, in fact, that it scared her and she stayed away from me for a little over a year, then contacted me when she needed the help of a guy who could go full mercenary on someone's ass (Actual work i have done and been trained for), and was decent with tech.
So, I helped her out of a pretty awful situation, and one night, we just got to talking. We talked for a long time, and I felt like, a connection was made.
Shortly after, we decided to give "us" a go.
It caused all sorts of division with all sorts of people, so eventually she, and her kids, moved in with me.
I did my best to provide for them and keep them safe. It was hard, because my fledgling business is still struggling to make ends meet, but I did do my best and tried not to withhold anything that could benefit them.
Now, keep in mind, I recently found out (I do not remember my childhood, but a friend of the family told me! When he said it suddenly my entire life made sense! All my struggles, EVERYTHING!) that I was severely abused by both my parents, even sexually, and one of them felt so bad they were actually trying to get me to commit suicide! I wondered why this person had such an ability to destroy me at the drop of a hat...
I was abused also, by both sexes, especially cruelly abused by females, a lot, growing up, and am even occasionally treated spitefully now.
I went from being a misogynist (Hating all women) to adopting the MGTOW (Look it up. It is a philosophy of men who reject traditional gender roles) philosophy as I struggled with crippling loneliness and homosexuality.
All of my life I have struggled with a desire for men, as I viewed women as cruel and hateful in their cores (I don't any more. Not since my ex), plus the fact that I just enjoyed the intimacy...
So my ex and I would argue a LOT, as I sorted through my own trauma, and kept putting her into the mold of my exes and how they treated me, not realizing she was a completely different woman, and a good woman. I am only now realizing this.
Towards the end she said I did not really love or want her, and that I was with her and the kids because, as she said, I thought it was what I wanted, but I do not.
I would argue with her passionately about how wrong she is, but in the end, she was actually right. About everything.
As I was totally honest with her about my struggles, I had been tempted severely after a few arguments we had, to meet up with a guy from a gay app, and, I was too afraid to delete my account before then, I only deleted the app, so I got so tired of being tempted by it that I downloaded the app and deleted the account and backup. I briefly chatted with a guy, just to try and sort through those feelings.
It took a lot of soul searching and working with my Creator to finally realize that she was right. I still have massive feelings and attraction to men.
Do I like women, yes, absolutely. The feminine form appeals to my instincts. I guess that makes me bisexual.
She was not willing to wait around for me to sort out my stuff with men, as I told her, this is a thing I must do, even if it kills me, the other option is to remain celibate (Tried for 40 years, passionately so. Doesn't work.) or be with a woman and also men on the side, or something like that- something she considered but wasn't willing to embark on.
She is a very attractive woman, with one of the most beautiful hearts and souls I have ever seen, and she is used to being wanted, badly by men. I was not able to give that to her, especially how the woman before her ripped my heart out and my soul to shreds. Given time, likely I could have given her what she wanted, but she had had enough. I was an "Emotional roller coaster" and as she said, she "Wanted off."
The alternative, if I do not work this guy stuff out somehow, is that in 30 years I tell her I am leaving her for another man, because those feelings never got worked out, and pushing them down only makes them stronger, but in the dark.
Working with my Creator I have come SO FAR in my understanding of myself, the opposite sex, and my own sex. I now no longer hate women or harbor any active resentment towards them, as I grow to understand they are just people trying to survive and cope the best they can. There is still darkness and resentment I will have to deal with here and there, but the root of it all has been struck down, which is a good thing.
I am grieved about how good a woman my ex is, and how I did not see that until after we split up. She is truly a wonderful person and I grieve over what might have been. However, unless this root of same-sex attraction is dealt with, I have nothing to offer her, or any woman, unless she is willing to "share" me, and I don't know of too many women willing to do that.
That said, the kids bonded to me severely, and I do love them. We both agreed that while she has moved out, the kids stay in my life. I look forward to mentoring them, teaching them survival skills, shooting skills, fighting skills, practical life skills that will help them stay safe and competent in this world. Teach them how to cope, as much as I know how, myself. In some ways I am a hot mess, obviously.
So as I explore this, I am doing so from a position of being unafraid and unashamed. I am making friends, and connecting with men who have been shamed their whole lives and struggle with acceptance. It is kind of sad that true human connection on some of these apps is so rare, but it is there for anyone who wants to be real. I also am exploring my own body, which I have abused and injured sexually, and learning to treat myself with kindness, tenderness, and dignity. I think as men we need to be more familiar with our bodies, unashamed, and get to know ourselves better.
About my faith, yes, I know what the Bible says about it. I have read the Bible from cover to cover. As I believe we are living in the last days, I believe Gods grace is poured out onto all flesh, even gays. In a way, I feel like God is with me on this journey, as backwards as that sounds, if God truly does love me, and He is omnipotent, He can see me through this. Please, if you have something religious or disparaging against me or what I am doing, please save it, and use your time on something more constructive.
Edit: We talked yesterday and she admitted to me that she had kept secrets from me. The single secret she revealed made me realize I had carried 85 percent of the relationship while she carried 15 percent. I literally risked my life for her to stand in the gap. But it feels like to her, it was all just a game. A game a child could play and not suffer any consequences. I guess for her there aren't any. But for me, I lost a part of my heart I will never get back.
- Peter