Take your time. You'll figure it all out eventually. It took me years to figure my own stuff out, I can understand why you'll need some time to figure it all out. Whatever you do, don't hurry it, and make rash decisions. I tried to hurry sorting out myself for 4 months (they say time is relative, and it did feel like an eternity during it) back when I was 17, and I threw myself into a back-and-forth type of confusion over what I knew about myself, and didn't. Take your time, and examine the truth that always lies between the lines, where the truth always lies. And those lines can be so fine you have to look closely and carefully, a truth I discovered from/while looking between the lines myself :3

- Peter

Peter, thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

Thank you also for the encouragement. I am usually hurried in so many things, but I am making an effort to taking it slow. SO MANY things are falling into place, especially recently. I am looking forward to the outcome, to be honest. I have asked God for closure to SO MANY things. It feels like I am finally getting the answers I had always needed but could never take hold of.

having the right answers is of importance to issues pertaining to one's self, that is what I believe. Of course, if you need someone to talk to, you know I'll be here for you. I can't guarantee I'll have the answers to everything, but (without going into my existential studies that could fill up 5 textbooks) my guesses are usually good; not that that is the most important part, of course - I will of course listen, as that's why you're talking to me in the first place - people tend to feel ignored when people advise instead of/before listening, yeah, and if any advice comes about, it's because I let the conversation flow the natural course :p

- Peter

Hey Wolf. I can see that you're struggling. And please don't think that I am patronizing you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm genuinely concerned. You've just had a lot of things hit you all at once. When that happens, even the "toughest" individual can have one or many parts of their personality get smashed into pieces for a time. It's no reason to feel ashamed. It just is. It's what this world does. But I beg of you: Please, please, PLEASE don't mutilate your body. Now I know I've said that the skin we are in is just a temporary avatar. It's not you. And I stand by that statement. However, it is the temple we currently inhabit, and I know God has our best interest in mind when He tells us to do our best to care for it. It's not because your eternal soul nor relationship with the Almighty is on the line. No. It's because those mixed messages that we can become susceptible to can make us irreparably harm ourselves or those around us. Which then has the potential to make the remainder of our time on earth more difficult.

Let me give you an example from my life, if I may. I'm the sort of person who is so averse to permanent changes to my body that I won't get tattoos, nor would I pierce any part of it for jewelry. One might argue that this is due to my own personal "hang ups". They would not be wrong in saying that! It's true in a sense. However, there is a line that can be crossed in the physical world. The line where once something is fully removed ... it cannot be replaced. Ever. It is gone for the rest of your earthly life. Piercings can heal (as long as they aren't too large and traumatic), tattoos can be altered or mostly removed. But cutting off the source of your testosterone WILL have permanent life altering effects. You will be reliant on artificial sources of hormones for the rest of your life - even if you decide to "transition" back to male. Unwanted health issues will arise. And a natural source of cathartic pleasure will be gone. So thinking back to my statement about my aversion to piercing and tattooing - I'll reveal something that happened to me. Maybe it already happened to you too. I don't know, but it's fairly common among our age group. My parents had me circumcised (ritually mutilated) when I was just a few days old. I didn't know it had been done until well into my adulthood. Weird? Yeah, I know. I won't go into detail about why I was unaware. Suffice it to say that I was very upset at finding out that my parents had so little respect for me as an individual, that they placed an indelible mark of ownership upon a VERY private place. I then read all about the nerve endings that were removed, the fact that it was a mucous membrane equivalent to that of an eyelid or lip. Finally, discovering that my dad has such a disgust toward those who pleasure themselves, that he approved of circumcision mostly for the deprivation that it caused. He did not want "his" kids touching themselves and wanted to make sure that they only had sex for procreation. I was BEYOND horrified when this was revealed to me. I would never have done this to myself as an adult, much less have ever chosen to remove my penis entirely. And yet, if penectomy were the cultural norm, I have no doubt that my parents would have done that! If it were culturally acceptable and "normal" to remove my lower right eyelid, or my left middle finger ... they likely would have done that! Humans have many flaws, but one that is particularly glaring: They cannot resist the temptation to go with the flow! If something becomes acceptable, suddenly everyone will get on board either out of fear of being seen as different or fear of missing out. They rarely pause to consider this. Just because you CAN do something, does it necessarily follow that you should?

Body dysphoria is no joke. I believe more people feel it than we are aware. For various reasons. Not the least of which is due to the fact that it is the preceding generation that makes the decision on the vessel into which each of us is squeezed. It leaves us feeling trapped. Ashamed. Owned and invalidated. It is not right for two people to have so much god-like power over a single, helpless child of Divinity. And yet ... here we are. Struggling against others and even ourselves while trying desperately to make sense of things during our relatively short tenure on this corporeal world. Abducted from the loving arms of our Creator to be handed over to childish beings who wish to inject their definition of "meaning" into their own lives.

I do long for us all to be at peace with ourselves. It is only then that we can be at peace with one another. But I know that we cannot fully find that peace until we have moved on from this plane. So while we are here, we ought to encourage one another just as Christ asked of us. To be understanding and patient. Kind but firm. To not become a stumbling block to our brothers and sisters. If I have in any way been that stumbling block, please forgive my trespass. I want to help. I also want to heal. I know I am not the best example, but I am doing what I can to cultivate the proper spirit within. It's a life-long journey toward self discovery and I am every bit as lost and confused as anyone else. Please don't harm yourself.

Brother,

Thank you for that thoughtful reply. As I said in this journal, I am not sure how far I am going to go with it. I did comment I did see a video of some MtF men who ended up regretting it and wanting to come back but they couldn't. I have considered this, and am considering it. As I said, I do not know what will happen. I am going about it sober minded...

But, you do raise a good point about so much happening to me all at once. I have faced much worse things, and much faster, so I feel like I am slightly steeled to this. I am truly, TRULY seeking God in everything, and not superficially, but as deep as I can possibly go. And, as I accept these parts of me... More doors open up that connect parts of my life that have needed to be opened up. My empathy for others is growing, which is amazing, considering how much of a misanthrope I used to be.

I am VERY much looking forward to creating a new 'Sona, writing stories about her, writing poetry about her, caring for her, loving her, drawing her... Sheltering her. I am going through this unashamed, bold, and proud. That said, the decision to undergo gender reassignment surgery is not a sure thing. I really REALLY like the parts that God gave me. I know this is going to sound desperate, but at this stage of my life, with everything I have been through, I can either go back to denying it all and being miserable (NOT an option!) or I can fully embrace these areas of my life I was previously too terrified to acknowledge. I really don't have a choice here, and that's not a bad thing.

This all started with me drawing some gay yiff porn that I couldn't get out of my head. I was still with my ex mate at the time. After I drew that edgy picture the idea of being intimate with another man reached intense levels. Then I began to write a gay love story, and by then, with the problems she and I were having, I realized, oh my God, these desires haven't gone away.

The better I got at ignoring them, the more I thought that I was cured/heterosexual/straight.

I either have no future as a repressed, depressed adult, or I have a future actually being happy and free. Granted, I realize going out and having a bunch of unprotected sex is going to get me an incurable disease, and cut my life short, so there is SOME discretion with this, obviously, that is needed not to destroy myself.

But regardless of where I end up, I know I will be okay, I have survived things that have taken down other people for good. Even if I decide to have the surgery, and later regret it- I will be okay. So far, this "thing" I am accepting has cost me every relationship I have ever had, so I have literally nothing to lose. IN a way, I am kind of glad it is happening.

I am sorry to hear about your circumcision, my parents did tat to me- and I am sorry about your legalist father. The saddest part of all, is that he is likely packed full of iniquity of his own, it absolutely sucks ass that he had to take it out on you and mutilate you over his bullshit. That is the kind of shit I cannot stand. That is why I risked my life as a merc to keep people safe.

Have you looked into foreskin restoration products? There are a few, one is called the "tugger" and it's 10 bucks... I think I may even try it out :)

FYI, just a place holder. I've got a response that I think you are gonna dig! It's rather verbose, so I wanted to make sure you knew I was not ignoring you. I'll be in touch!

Sent a note.

OK, here's my .02¢ worth for the religious folks that hate on anyone who is different from them. I feel that God created everyone and everything. Since he created YOU how could he hate anything that he created. I don't think that's possible. God is merciful and loving.

I don't know what to tell you about your journey. All I can say is don't rush into anything. Sometimes things aren't as they seem as time passes. I will never judge you for what you are.

My niece (now nephew) is trans and I told her when she changed that I loved her and would never judge her. I also told her that I didn't understand about being trans but would accept her no matter what. I also said that I would appreciate it if she helped me understand because I don't. (That is NOT meant as a judgemental statement, it is a request for her to teach me) I am and always will be cisgender male. I am not one of those people that thinks any of this is a "choice". I think people are born a certain way (however that may be) and sometimes it takes a while to figure it out. You are are on a journey to do just that.

Best of wishes my friend.

Reach out to folks in that community. No one can clue you in like someone who "lives there".

Speak to a faith-based non-judgmental counselor as well.

Finally, speak to a mental healthcare expert. You have survived quite a bit, and trauma promotes doubt, depression and other issues.

You deserve as much input as possible. I know you've gained some wisdom as you've aged. Do some intense navel-gazing along with all of your new info.

I'm sure you won't act rashly.

I was in your place 40 plus years ago... I know the hell gender issues can be. All I can say is keep a level head and take your time to learn who you are.

Remember gender and sexuality are two completely different things but people want to treat them as one and the same. I went from male to female and still enjoy a woman in my bed...

I've been with the same partner 21 years. I'll be honest a couple of men have caught my eye in the past, but that's about it. They had a nice feel to them, that I found attractive they were also taken. Sorry I digress. The best thing you can do is take things as they come.

All I have to say is that I understand, and to explore material concerning the change. I have a hormone issue, pretty sure, that gives me low libido strange emotional profile (deadpan sort of) and some effeminate physical traits... As well as depression and no idea what causes it. I have normal sex organs and physique for the most part. I looked into it hard enough to decide the change wasn't for me. It's a very deep rooted emotional and psychological tendency that cannot be reconciled any other way than making a change. It's fine to be androgenous or into women's clothing or any other shade of gray of feminine caricature. Saying that you are trans is abrupt and extreme as threatening to kill yourself, because you can't go back. The old you should (basically) die. And something like that well, bears talking more about it.

from birth both female and male energies are embedded in us. most often people choose the path of gender. woman man. And then we otridzaesm in ourselves the other side, becoming fully someone one. And this is correct in the concept of society. Extremals change their essence, which is not permissible in the classical understanding of society. But there is probably a third way. Remaining a creation of Heaven-given gender, nothing prevents us from exploring the other side. Understand the thoughts and impulses of the soul.
make a female image. perhaps an interesting practice. But with the same opportunity to love him. I remember two Greek myths. Narcis who fell in love with himself. And the skillful sculptor who created the statue of the girl and fell in love with her. with the daffodil it all ended sadly. The gods revived the statue for the sculptor. A question for you. By creating a female copy of yourself, and separating her, can you fall in love with her. she will be idial. then we will see a rather strange effect. will it bring you happiness?
sometimes it happens that the created image takes on life, and it does not act as the creator wants. it sometimes happens when writing stories. The image dictates its thoughts to the author. it's fun.
In reality, perhaps this image can find a similarity in some kind of person. It will be nice. but will it be him?
in a way, I understand you. I don't find someone I want to take care of. And who will take care of me. Whether this is your disagreement in yourself?
craving for your gender. what is it? Attractiveness of the soul or attractiveness of the body?
If it's just a sexual experience?
craving for your gender. what is it? Attractiveness of the soul or attractiveness of the body?
If it's just a sexual experience?
female joy. You don't have to wear a skirt to go shopping or grooming in salons.
And along the way about myself. I will not call myself courageous. Perhaps many of the feminine, or rather the qualities of Yin power, prevail in me. Perhaps more compassion and sensuality. But this does not mean that I am a woman. It is necessary to use the advantages of both sides. Yang and Yin. Although, in the understanding of society, this is also strange. But I am me.
so .. all these are just my thoughts and questions to which I do not require an answer from you. But maybe you too will reflect on them. I tried to share my thoughts with you, and maybe I can help you. with this as well, I will be glad to meet your lady Nikki. This is intriguing.
but also, I read and write with the help of a translator, and am not sure for the correctness of the words.
God bless you, my friend.

Ra'Riz