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Why I May or May Not Continue DELTA
5 years ago
I received a few comments about why DELTA is on indefinite hiatus, so I want to share some of my personal experience writing the story.
When I started writing DELTA, it was as a coping mechanism for my gender dysphoria. But it backfired spectacularly. The more I wrote about Fen finding herself, the worse I felt about my own body, and the less I could think about anything else. By "Back to the Mountain" I was in a really dark place.
Despite all the thought spirals and depression, DELTA had one really good outcome: I finally admitted to myself that my gender dysphoria wasn't going away. I was Trans**, I was a woman, and that was okay. I went to therapy, saw doctors, got my dysphoria diagnosed. I am now almost 6 months on hormone replacement therapy, and for the first time in my life I'm happy to look in the mirror. I have finally found the alien experience of being comfortable in my own body.
I actually wrote "The Morning After" in July 2019. I took some time yesterday to finish the illustration and leave Fen & Buckeye in a better place. I still like the story and I know what happens next (it's pretty fun), but DELTA has baggage. It consumed me when I wrote it. It probably won't ever hold that power over me again, but I think you'll understand why I don't want to risk it. At the very least, I'm going to take it slow. DELTA is important to me, and I'm so glad that I was able to share it with you. I hope I'll be able to continue writing Fen & Buckeye's adventures someday.
I'd love to hear whether any of you have had similar experiences in coming to terms with your gender. Let me know in the comments! I know TFTG is a refuge for a lot of gender-nonconforming people, and I love that about this community.
Thank you for the continued understanding & camaraderie,
Pannotia
**Disclaimer: I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT RECOMMEND transitioning if you like TFTG but don't have the underlying medical condition of dysphoria. I happen to be Trans AND like TFTG, but I want to stress that one does not imply the other. There are plenty of reasons to like TFTG. Transitioning can really mess you up if the alternative isn't worse.
P.S. For what it's worth, I haven't stopped writing. I'm a few months away from being a real published author! It's not TF (and I'll never post specifics about it on this account - work life balance!), but I hope you'll find it and like it by accident. đ
When I started writing DELTA, it was as a coping mechanism for my gender dysphoria. But it backfired spectacularly. The more I wrote about Fen finding herself, the worse I felt about my own body, and the less I could think about anything else. By "Back to the Mountain" I was in a really dark place.
Despite all the thought spirals and depression, DELTA had one really good outcome: I finally admitted to myself that my gender dysphoria wasn't going away. I was Trans**, I was a woman, and that was okay. I went to therapy, saw doctors, got my dysphoria diagnosed. I am now almost 6 months on hormone replacement therapy, and for the first time in my life I'm happy to look in the mirror. I have finally found the alien experience of being comfortable in my own body.
I actually wrote "The Morning After" in July 2019. I took some time yesterday to finish the illustration and leave Fen & Buckeye in a better place. I still like the story and I know what happens next (it's pretty fun), but DELTA has baggage. It consumed me when I wrote it. It probably won't ever hold that power over me again, but I think you'll understand why I don't want to risk it. At the very least, I'm going to take it slow. DELTA is important to me, and I'm so glad that I was able to share it with you. I hope I'll be able to continue writing Fen & Buckeye's adventures someday.
I'd love to hear whether any of you have had similar experiences in coming to terms with your gender. Let me know in the comments! I know TFTG is a refuge for a lot of gender-nonconforming people, and I love that about this community.
Thank you for the continued understanding & camaraderie,
Pannotia
**Disclaimer: I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT RECOMMEND transitioning if you like TFTG but don't have the underlying medical condition of dysphoria. I happen to be Trans AND like TFTG, but I want to stress that one does not imply the other. There are plenty of reasons to like TFTG. Transitioning can really mess you up if the alternative isn't worse.
P.S. For what it's worth, I haven't stopped writing. I'm a few months away from being a real published author! It's not TF (and I'll never post specifics about it on this account - work life balance!), but I hope you'll find it and like it by accident. đ
Itâs your story (even more so than I realized), so do with it what you will. Iâve written stuff myself with a lot less baggage attached that hasnât seen the light of day, and possibly never will.
As for the question at the end... I think Iâm sort of still working through some things there. Donât feel disgusted when I look in the mirror, but not particularly in love with my reflection either. I keep feeling out of place in certain male-dominated spaces, had a happy tingle when someone misgendered me based on my username/avatar on Discord, and when finally getting around to brainstorming a furry OC that was supposed to be a self-insert, three of the four ideas I brainstormed were female... but I think âgenderfluidâ might be the right label for now? There was a point not that long ago where this was a non-question.
Don't worry, I did not feel pressured to write this post. I just wanted to share the context of my art. I appreciate your support đ
This may or may not be helpful, but accepting myself as Trans made me realize just how horribly I'd been repressing my emotions. It was like I was gas-lighting myself into thinking it was all fine, when it really, really wasn't. So, I relate to your experience. I was never disgusted by my appearance either - just disheartened. But, as last year proves, I could only dissociate so much before everything just came pouring back out. Coming out as Trans was a deeply emotional experience for me because so much weight lifted off my conscience with the understanding that it's okay to be me. And now I'm really happy with how things turned out!
All that to say, gender dysphoria affects people in different ways. However, although it is very rare (<1% of people who transition), be aware that it is also possible to gas-light yourself into thinking you have dysphoria when you don't. Be open and honest with yourself, trust your instincts, and you'll find the truth.
Regardless of where your identity lies, I recommend talking to a therapist and experimenting with gender expression. If you're genderfluid, that's fantastic! If you just like TFTG for the feelings you associate it with (embarrassment, vulnerability, power, etc.), that's great! If you're transgender, I'm so sorry (but I'm glad you found yourself)! I know you'll find what makes you whole.
Hopefully I'll have a chance to explore/experiment with my identity a bit more soon, and I'll try and keep that all in mind as I do.
After reading all of this, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if I was pressuring you in any way. I just really appreciated the overall story, and the themes being explored ticked a lot of check boxes for me. (I'm a huge fan of TFTG works, especially when it involves latex/inflatables/pooltoys.)
As for me, I've been struggling with bouts of, what I would label as, dysphoria. They come and go in spurts, though. There are some days when I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror, but other times I'm just simply apathetic when I stare back at my reflection. It's a complex of feelings that's getting worse with time, as I grow older.
I've also been exploring crossdressing too, which seems to help with the negative feelings I'm going through. I still can't bring myself to CD out in public, as I'm met with a ton of anxiety when I go through with it. (Mainly because I'm so self-aware, I feel like others can tell I'm a guy, no matter what I'm wearing. If I knew I could pass, I think I would be a lot more comfortable with it.)
There's also been a few interactions I've had recently, where I felt upset when people referred to me as a guy. Specifically, there was one time at work when one of my female coworkers was emasculating other male co-workers by calling them female versions of their names as a joke. I pointed out a few female names I've been called in the past. (By my brothers/friends when they were picking on me at the time.) Since the memory was being associated with was a bad feeling, I guess she picked up on that, because she eventually said "don't worry, nobody is going to mistake you for a girl". That made me feel absolutely awful, as I couldn't help but think "I'm so "guy-like" that even if I transitioned, people would still think I'm male." I ended up opening up to her, mentioning that I've been questioning my identity for a long time. The conversation boiled down to her being somewhat understanding, but ignorant of the subject at the same time. ("Oh, so you think you're a girl? I have a sister who's going through the same thing. She's seeing a therapist for it.")
That's just scratching the surface... I don't know if I'm misinterpreting my emotions, or if it's a psychosomatic issue at all, but I know for sure I've been questioning my identity since I hit puberty. (My high school days were very awkward.) Most of my friends barely knew me, because I was constantly on guard and didn't talk about myself much.
Wow, after writing all of that down, I'm definitely considering a therapist. I'm now realizing I have quite a few questions and uncertainties left.
I am not qualified to diagnose dysphoria (especially as an anonymous stranger on the internet), but... like... damn.
I'm glad you're planning to see a therapist. At the very least, no matter what you're experiencing, you'll be better off knowing what it is.
On a note of optimism, I never thought I'd pass either. And yet... here I am. You'd be surprised:
- how much makeup can change your appearance
- how much hormones can change your body (round face + boobs + hips in mtf)
- how much training can change your voice (I used to be a deep bass, LOL NOT ANYMORE)
- how clothing and behavior can affect other's perception of your gender
Again, I have to stress, not all of these options are a good fit for all gender-nonconforming people. But even in the worst-case scenario where you are transgender, please understand that things aren't hopeless. Dysphoria is never truly "cured", but it can be mitigated to the point where it's easily manageable. Likewise, my dms are always open if you have further questions about dysphoria, transitioning, etc.
Here are some good YouTube channels if you want to learn more:
Jamie Dodger (F2M Trans man): https://www.youtube.com/user/MrPinocchio17
Maya Henry (M2F Trans woman): https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf.....OUcvqrdMmozowQ
Mathilda Högberg (M2F Trans woman): https://www.youtube.com/c/MathildaHögberg
Feminine Voice Training: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BW8X2nXexQs
Ironically enough, a long time friend of mine came out as trans recently. She's been helping me through this, too. Even recommended a therapist that's local.
Yes! "FA notes" is what I meant by "dms". I don't know any other way to send dms on FA.
Whatever you will decide it is going to be alright, meanwhile thanks for sharing your work with the community :)