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The things that helped, the things that didn't.
5 years ago
Where to begin with this? In order to understand myself, In order to better come to terms with myself. I will start with a simple list of things that helped.... And The things that didn't help. I will start with a simple list, this journal will update over time, but for now, I will list five things for each category.
Things that helped.
1. The moments of intimacy I shared with a loved one.
2. The Quiet Moments of reflection.
3. Finding tasks to do that was productive.
4. Finding oneself, in another person.
5. Being able to confide in one person.
The things that didn't Help
1. Being reminded of everything wrong with my life, from being told constantly that certain aspects of my life are wrong and they need fixing. With the Subtitlety and harshness of a bull in a china shop. The lack of care given when it came to the logic of the arguments. When I knew too well the demons I need to face. What I needed most from this was the need for emotional support.
2. The lack of Intimacy. While the moments of intimacy I shared with one person, the times were few and far between, And while yes in my logical mind I understood why that was, but my emotional mind kept telling me that I wasn't loved, that there's something about me that was disgusting. something about my deviousness was foreign and unfamiliar to the one I shared Intimacy with. Even when the Truth was anything but these things my mind could barely help but wonder the worst possible scenario.
3. My Inability to explain in words, what I wanted most. As an Autistic Mind, it comes hard to try to connect with someone, the longing to share a touch, a feel, a lewd act is still there, my wants and desires seemed locked away either out of fear of rejection or outright disgust kept me from telling my loved one what I wanted most out of the relationship we once shared. My desire for a held hand, even sex, it drove me wild the need to be accepted in this way... To know that someone can look past the ugliness, that someone can look past the roughness, the harshness, and find something truly worthwhile.
4. The Fear of Being Alone. More than anything else this one has been a major culprit in much of my problems, My feelings of inadequacies. The shame of feeling rejected. That nagging feeling that I am somehow repulsive in the eyes of others. It doesn't help the fact that as a Gay man, society, mainly on the religious side of things has it in their mind that such a relationship is the Devil itself.
5. The Barriers I put up as a self-defense mechanism. When we are children, it is often understood that when we were upset, our parents would know exactly what was wrong and knew how to comfort you. Either through a subtle hum of a lullaby or through the act of holding you in their arms in a loving embrace. But as adults, it's not so simple we tell ourselves that the other will INSTANTLY get you and what you want in life and will be able to solve all your problems. Of course, as kids, we aren't normally exposed to the reality that our care brought upon the parent. When we see it for ourselves when we experience it when we get into our arguments with our loved ones we then stop and think to ourselves "Wait a Minute! This isn't how relationships are! It's supposed to be all lovey-dovey and understanding everything I Want." When we're adults we grow up believing the biggest lie ever told. That it would be simple.
What I MUST DO to improve myself.
1. Understand that sometimes through loneliness comes solace and clarity. The moments of sadness and depression are a single moment in the grander scheme of life.
2. Know when the time is right to ask for intimacy, sometimes the partner had a rough day at work, other times they might be dealing with other stresses of the day, give them time to sleep... But not to be afraid to offer them your hand to hold.
3. Do not apologize, for hurting. Everyone hurts from time to time, and that's ok, A good cry can often lead to a sunnier day tomorrow. Know that your pain is only a moment of vulnerability and will lead to openness to expose your insecurities openly to the one you love as long as it's done through grace and gentleness, and not through more, aggressive channels.
4. Stop reminding yourself of what's wrong with your life. You've already run the numbers in your head. You don't need to milk the notion dry until the points become exhausted and you end up not doing anything about what's wrong with your life.
5. Learn to love yourself. In order to become self-confident, you'll have to learn to crawl before you walk. You'll have to learn to take your first steps out into a world where no one actually cares. And that it's ok if they don't. Learn to move on.
BONUS: Take it One Day at a Time. Know that it will be hard. But it Can be done.
Things that helped.
1. The moments of intimacy I shared with a loved one.
2. The Quiet Moments of reflection.
3. Finding tasks to do that was productive.
4. Finding oneself, in another person.
5. Being able to confide in one person.
The things that didn't Help
1. Being reminded of everything wrong with my life, from being told constantly that certain aspects of my life are wrong and they need fixing. With the Subtitlety and harshness of a bull in a china shop. The lack of care given when it came to the logic of the arguments. When I knew too well the demons I need to face. What I needed most from this was the need for emotional support.
2. The lack of Intimacy. While the moments of intimacy I shared with one person, the times were few and far between, And while yes in my logical mind I understood why that was, but my emotional mind kept telling me that I wasn't loved, that there's something about me that was disgusting. something about my deviousness was foreign and unfamiliar to the one I shared Intimacy with. Even when the Truth was anything but these things my mind could barely help but wonder the worst possible scenario.
3. My Inability to explain in words, what I wanted most. As an Autistic Mind, it comes hard to try to connect with someone, the longing to share a touch, a feel, a lewd act is still there, my wants and desires seemed locked away either out of fear of rejection or outright disgust kept me from telling my loved one what I wanted most out of the relationship we once shared. My desire for a held hand, even sex, it drove me wild the need to be accepted in this way... To know that someone can look past the ugliness, that someone can look past the roughness, the harshness, and find something truly worthwhile.
4. The Fear of Being Alone. More than anything else this one has been a major culprit in much of my problems, My feelings of inadequacies. The shame of feeling rejected. That nagging feeling that I am somehow repulsive in the eyes of others. It doesn't help the fact that as a Gay man, society, mainly on the religious side of things has it in their mind that such a relationship is the Devil itself.
5. The Barriers I put up as a self-defense mechanism. When we are children, it is often understood that when we were upset, our parents would know exactly what was wrong and knew how to comfort you. Either through a subtle hum of a lullaby or through the act of holding you in their arms in a loving embrace. But as adults, it's not so simple we tell ourselves that the other will INSTANTLY get you and what you want in life and will be able to solve all your problems. Of course, as kids, we aren't normally exposed to the reality that our care brought upon the parent. When we see it for ourselves when we experience it when we get into our arguments with our loved ones we then stop and think to ourselves "Wait a Minute! This isn't how relationships are! It's supposed to be all lovey-dovey and understanding everything I Want." When we're adults we grow up believing the biggest lie ever told. That it would be simple.
What I MUST DO to improve myself.
1. Understand that sometimes through loneliness comes solace and clarity. The moments of sadness and depression are a single moment in the grander scheme of life.
2. Know when the time is right to ask for intimacy, sometimes the partner had a rough day at work, other times they might be dealing with other stresses of the day, give them time to sleep... But not to be afraid to offer them your hand to hold.
3. Do not apologize, for hurting. Everyone hurts from time to time, and that's ok, A good cry can often lead to a sunnier day tomorrow. Know that your pain is only a moment of vulnerability and will lead to openness to expose your insecurities openly to the one you love as long as it's done through grace and gentleness, and not through more, aggressive channels.
4. Stop reminding yourself of what's wrong with your life. You've already run the numbers in your head. You don't need to milk the notion dry until the points become exhausted and you end up not doing anything about what's wrong with your life.
5. Learn to love yourself. In order to become self-confident, you'll have to learn to crawl before you walk. You'll have to learn to take your first steps out into a world where no one actually cares. And that it's ok if they don't. Learn to move on.
BONUS: Take it One Day at a Time. Know that it will be hard. But it Can be done.
