So the vent pieces I've posted helped me a ton. They're very Tool inspired also, in their own right.

There will be a conclusion piece to the series but I have to wrap up some commissions first. The client was very patient with me, letting me get a lot of personal art out of the way first. I kept him in the know the entire time and would have been happy to work more on the commissions if he needed them sooner than later. However, my head space wasn't so great and he was very understanding, like he always is. Very good, close friend of mine.

I've reached a very powerful epiphany and I intend to hold steady to it. It won't be easy, but I owe it to everyone who has ever showed me kindness. I have been running from pain for my entire life. Always running. I overeat to avoid feeling hungry. I oversleep to avoid feeling sad. I avoid exercise because it isn't fun. I push people away when things get hard. I am... Afraid.

If people are willing to try... To put up so much effort to make me happy, to be a part of my life, then I too should meet that effort and be a part of their lives too. I can't promise that mindset will be an easy one to maintain, and I don't know what my mindset will be when mania strikes, but that isn't me. That's my demons, and I have responsibilities to everyone to control it. I have to try my best to fight and to stay alive. Not to exist on the rim of suicide.

Flickie says for him, "suicide isn't an option." and he too has his demons and pain that he faces daily. But he faces them. Sometimes he fails, but he can say he tried. I can't always say the same.

Today I ate less. Today I went to work even though I was in a lot of physical pain. Tomorrow I don't work, so I plan to eat even less and workout. I plan to do some much needed chores. Then I will reward myself with a nap, then work on my commissions. And I will do this for myself and for those who put effort into my life. Because, they have shown me that I'm worth the struggle.

Money is tight and it always will be. While my mental illness doesn't permit me to work more than I do, I do my best to do what I can. And I have to do even better. And I have to be ok. Money will become easier to come by as I continue to go to my shifts without fail. I hope to see commissions roll in more steadily of course, but that is not the point of this.