FA+
Shop
Yes, I'm still alive
5 years ago
I know some of you don't follow me on Twitter, and even fewer have access to my AD (more personal) account there, so I figured I should let you guys know I'm still alive, too.
I can't say much more than that, though. The last two weeks have been... the most difficult time in my life, no exaggeration (and that's honestly saying a lot). I've spent every waking moment that hasn't been filled with distractions wishing I was dead, too. I even attempted it, twice, and was put in a crisis center for it (which honestly made things worse instead of helping). I've put over 30 hours into Fire Emblem Three Houses in just the last week because the second I put it down, I go back to feeling like absolute shit.
I don't think I'm in danger of hurting/killing myself anymore, though. The past two attempts have really cemented that I don't have the will to actually carry through a suicide. So, you probably don't have to worry about me on that front. Instead, I'm just stuck... stuck here, feeling awful, in unimaginable pain. I want to die, so much, but I can't do anything about it.
I have been reading every comment that's been sent to me. And I appreciate the condolences, but nothing's making me feel better. Words are hollow to me at this point.
I can't say much more than that, though. The last two weeks have been... the most difficult time in my life, no exaggeration (and that's honestly saying a lot). I've spent every waking moment that hasn't been filled with distractions wishing I was dead, too. I even attempted it, twice, and was put in a crisis center for it (which honestly made things worse instead of helping). I've put over 30 hours into Fire Emblem Three Houses in just the last week because the second I put it down, I go back to feeling like absolute shit.
I don't think I'm in danger of hurting/killing myself anymore, though. The past two attempts have really cemented that I don't have the will to actually carry through a suicide. So, you probably don't have to worry about me on that front. Instead, I'm just stuck... stuck here, feeling awful, in unimaginable pain. I want to die, so much, but I can't do anything about it.
I have been reading every comment that's been sent to me. And I appreciate the condolences, but nothing's making me feel better. Words are hollow to me at this point.
All I can offer is personal experience, and the cliché "one day at a time" is the only thing that's been true so far for me. Just take whatever time you need to get back to us a less-broken kitten.
None of this will be quick. And taking the time YOU need is what's important. So be the "hang in there" kitty meme. And do it for yourself, not anyone else.
Be well. *patpats*
Keep fighting the good fight. As a survivor I can assure you that you can get there and it is worth the work and effort. The hard part is that it takes time.
Surround yourself with good, supportive friends.
*Hugs*
you may feel broken right now, but you won't be broken forever! healing takee time, and its a long and painful process, unfortunately
I am 80 years old.
When I was in The Army, I saw and did terrible things. Some of them still haunt me today; but I cannot fully appreciate the terrible loss that you must be feeling today.
I can, however tell you that while this hurt will never completely go away, it will get a little better.
My "moment of truth" came when I accidently met someone who had been through some of the same stuff. We were able to talk about it/them and with a little time, it wasn't quite so raw. It never went away, and the nightmares are still there; but they are manageable.
Please, for the sake of your memories, don't give up. Time helps, and so do friends. Don't push them away.
Know that you are loved by so many, even though we have never met you.
yr obt svt:
jbpoet
*huggles lots an' lots* <3
You are Distraught.
You are Grieving.
That is Okay.
I know you say words are hollow but have you considered meditation? I’ve found in time when things seem darkest taking time to meditate and opening my chakras can help the light shine through.
Whenever you feel like hurting yourself again, remind yourself of your reasons for wanting to live. Think of the things that bring you joy in life.
Also, continue having conversations with your mom, Sammy, your therapist, and anyone else close to you. Have conversations with them over the phone or Skype/Zoom. If getting on social media is too much, focus on updating the ones who love you most. I'm sure talking about it isn't easy, but it lets others know what you're feeling, and allows them to think of ways to help you.
Stay safe. *hugs*