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Asexuality, Romantic Orientation, & Aesthetic Attraction
5 years ago
It's been so long since I've written a journal on my asexuality, what it means, and how I handled it emotionally. So many people still stumble across the old journal and leave such wonderful comments about how it helped them come to terms with their own questions and confusion.
Today I'm going to explain, once more, the topic of asexuality. I'm going to go into romantic attraction as well as aesthetic attraction. These are all things crucial to understanding my own orientation and may help you understand yours.
Asexuality
Asexuality, primarily, is the lack of sexual attraction, the absence of need for it, or the absence of desire for it. Anyone who wants to call themselves asexual can if they feel it fits them. It's completely okay if you still get turned on from time to time, asexuality isn't simply only for people who can't get aroused, it's also for people who do but only get it under certain conditions or so rare that it may as well be nonexistent. As a matter of fact, there's a whole classification for such people! Gray-Asexual. That's me! :3
Gray-Asexuality
Gray-Asexuals are asexuals that get turned on rarely or under certain conditions or even very frequently but have no desire to really act on it. For me, I only get turned on for vore and the like. Sometimes I get turned on when cuddling. And very, very rarely I get turned on when I feel a specific way for someone. However, when it comes down to actually acting on it and turning it into a sexual encounter, it usually fails for me. I can't get off when someone else touches or interacts with me down there. Only with myself when enjoying my fetishes. But I'm not the only flavor of gray-ace. There are also people who can only have sex with someone they've formed a strong emotional attraction to, these people are known as demi-sexuals and fall within gray-ace.
Romantic Orientation
This leads me into the next topic. Outside of purely physical attraction, there is an emotional element to a lot of relationships. This is called romantic orientation. Sometimes you really, really want to be with someone special in a way that might completely exclude physical need. It's an emotional bond. A need to be with someone purely because of who they are and how they make you feel. There are numerous types dependant mostly on gender:
Aromantic:No romantic attraction towards anyone. Someone who has no need for a personal, emotional relationship.
Heteroromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of the opposite gender.
Homoromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of the same gender.
Biromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of two or more genders. (Sometimes used interchangeably with panromantic.)
Panromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of any, every, and all genders.
Demiromantic: Romantic attraction towards any of the above but only after forming a deep emotional bond with a person.
Greyromantic: Experiencing romantic attraction rarely or only under certain circumstances.
Those last two might not make sense, as demiromantic may sound simply like romantic orientation in its most basic form. You would think that all romantic orientations require a deep bond. But I believe, in a demiromantic, they require more time and buildup towards the formation of that bond before they begin to form romantic feelings, whereas most other orientations can begin to feel romantic feelings fairly quickly.
And greyromanticism? Well, only you can truly say if there are special circumstances required for you to form such a bond.
For me, personally? I'm a homoromantic. I only experience romantic feelings towards other men.
Aesthetic Attraction
I didn't have a nice segue for this one, but Aesthetic Attraction is the attraction to an Aesthetic. It might be as simple as, "I like blondes" or as broad as "the masculine form". It is simply the desire to behold someone because you find them aesthetically pleasing, much like one might find a song, a work of art, or similar pleasing to experience. It's not sexual, it's simply admiration for a thing. This can confuse many asexuals who are uncertain of themselves because they might find men or women to be really, really pleasing to look at. Maybe not boner-worthy, but something their eyes can't help but lock onto whenever it's present. So they start to doubt or question their orientation.
For me? I find men and the masculine form very strongly aesthetically pleasing. I think men are attractive, I enjoy their form in almost all shapes. I want to look at it. I want to touch it. I want to hug it. I want to kiss it so, so bad. But...that's all. The line is drawn up just short of sex.
The feminine form doesn't give me similar feelings, however. And unfortunately, even fem-boys are sort of difficult for me to get into.
Summary
Putting all of this together and figuring all of this was a hard, six-year journey for me. I spent five years trying to pray away the gay because I didn't understand or know what sexual attraction was. All the way up until 2014, when my depression and desperation hit its peak and I nearly committed suicide. It was at that point that I relented and slowly started to feel things out and discover who I was.
I thought I was gay. But I was not. I cried at this. I cried because I wasn't normal because I couldn't have sex. Because I wanted someone in my life so, so bad and thought I could never have that because nobody could possibly want this half-finished person that wanted to be with someone so bad, but was unwilling to have sexual relations. For years I bemoaned the fact that I wasn't fully gay. I lamented and thought, "I'll never find someone."
Until I started to find others like me. Until I started to realize Homoromanticism was a thing. That there were other men out there, though few, who shared my plight. I wasn't alone. I wasn't simply broken or defective. What I needed and wanted was within reach.
Only recently did I finally sort out the last of my confusing emotions with aesthetic attraction. I was always so confused with my physical attraction that seemed to have nothing to do with sex and nothing to do with romantic needs. I just had this almost hungry desire to just grab people and make out with them. Or touch them. Or feel the curves and features of their body. It baffled the hell out of me until I finally pinned it. It's funny how labels can make everything so clear and neat, wrapping up how you feel and what you are in a nice little package that settles your restlessness and makes you feel like you finally have somewhere to belong.
I hope people find this journal for years to come, just like the last one. I hope it helps you, just like the last one. This has been a trial by fire six years in the making for me to figure this out for myself, and if I can shorten even a single person's journey...I'd like that.
Thank you.
I don't know you, probably, but I love you. If there are people who can hate for no reason, then I can love. I hope you all find the answers and the peace that you're seeking out there on the roiling, uncertain sea that is life.
Today I'm going to explain, once more, the topic of asexuality. I'm going to go into romantic attraction as well as aesthetic attraction. These are all things crucial to understanding my own orientation and may help you understand yours.
Asexuality
Asexuality, primarily, is the lack of sexual attraction, the absence of need for it, or the absence of desire for it. Anyone who wants to call themselves asexual can if they feel it fits them. It's completely okay if you still get turned on from time to time, asexuality isn't simply only for people who can't get aroused, it's also for people who do but only get it under certain conditions or so rare that it may as well be nonexistent. As a matter of fact, there's a whole classification for such people! Gray-Asexual. That's me! :3
Gray-Asexuality
Gray-Asexuals are asexuals that get turned on rarely or under certain conditions or even very frequently but have no desire to really act on it. For me, I only get turned on for vore and the like. Sometimes I get turned on when cuddling. And very, very rarely I get turned on when I feel a specific way for someone. However, when it comes down to actually acting on it and turning it into a sexual encounter, it usually fails for me. I can't get off when someone else touches or interacts with me down there. Only with myself when enjoying my fetishes. But I'm not the only flavor of gray-ace. There are also people who can only have sex with someone they've formed a strong emotional attraction to, these people are known as demi-sexuals and fall within gray-ace.
Romantic Orientation
This leads me into the next topic. Outside of purely physical attraction, there is an emotional element to a lot of relationships. This is called romantic orientation. Sometimes you really, really want to be with someone special in a way that might completely exclude physical need. It's an emotional bond. A need to be with someone purely because of who they are and how they make you feel. There are numerous types dependant mostly on gender:
Aromantic:No romantic attraction towards anyone. Someone who has no need for a personal, emotional relationship.
Heteroromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of the opposite gender.
Homoromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of the same gender.
Biromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of two or more genders. (Sometimes used interchangeably with panromantic.)
Panromantic: Romantic attraction towards people of any, every, and all genders.
Demiromantic: Romantic attraction towards any of the above but only after forming a deep emotional bond with a person.
Greyromantic: Experiencing romantic attraction rarely or only under certain circumstances.
Those last two might not make sense, as demiromantic may sound simply like romantic orientation in its most basic form. You would think that all romantic orientations require a deep bond. But I believe, in a demiromantic, they require more time and buildup towards the formation of that bond before they begin to form romantic feelings, whereas most other orientations can begin to feel romantic feelings fairly quickly.
And greyromanticism? Well, only you can truly say if there are special circumstances required for you to form such a bond.
For me, personally? I'm a homoromantic. I only experience romantic feelings towards other men.
Aesthetic Attraction
I didn't have a nice segue for this one, but Aesthetic Attraction is the attraction to an Aesthetic. It might be as simple as, "I like blondes" or as broad as "the masculine form". It is simply the desire to behold someone because you find them aesthetically pleasing, much like one might find a song, a work of art, or similar pleasing to experience. It's not sexual, it's simply admiration for a thing. This can confuse many asexuals who are uncertain of themselves because they might find men or women to be really, really pleasing to look at. Maybe not boner-worthy, but something their eyes can't help but lock onto whenever it's present. So they start to doubt or question their orientation.
For me? I find men and the masculine form very strongly aesthetically pleasing. I think men are attractive, I enjoy their form in almost all shapes. I want to look at it. I want to touch it. I want to hug it. I want to kiss it so, so bad. But...that's all. The line is drawn up just short of sex.
The feminine form doesn't give me similar feelings, however. And unfortunately, even fem-boys are sort of difficult for me to get into.
Summary
Putting all of this together and figuring all of this was a hard, six-year journey for me. I spent five years trying to pray away the gay because I didn't understand or know what sexual attraction was. All the way up until 2014, when my depression and desperation hit its peak and I nearly committed suicide. It was at that point that I relented and slowly started to feel things out and discover who I was.
I thought I was gay. But I was not. I cried at this. I cried because I wasn't normal because I couldn't have sex. Because I wanted someone in my life so, so bad and thought I could never have that because nobody could possibly want this half-finished person that wanted to be with someone so bad, but was unwilling to have sexual relations. For years I bemoaned the fact that I wasn't fully gay. I lamented and thought, "I'll never find someone."
Until I started to find others like me. Until I started to realize Homoromanticism was a thing. That there were other men out there, though few, who shared my plight. I wasn't alone. I wasn't simply broken or defective. What I needed and wanted was within reach.
Only recently did I finally sort out the last of my confusing emotions with aesthetic attraction. I was always so confused with my physical attraction that seemed to have nothing to do with sex and nothing to do with romantic needs. I just had this almost hungry desire to just grab people and make out with them. Or touch them. Or feel the curves and features of their body. It baffled the hell out of me until I finally pinned it. It's funny how labels can make everything so clear and neat, wrapping up how you feel and what you are in a nice little package that settles your restlessness and makes you feel like you finally have somewhere to belong.
I hope people find this journal for years to come, just like the last one. I hope it helps you, just like the last one. This has been a trial by fire six years in the making for me to figure this out for myself, and if I can shorten even a single person's journey...I'd like that.
Thank you.
I don't know you, probably, but I love you. If there are people who can hate for no reason, then I can love. I hope you all find the answers and the peace that you're seeking out there on the roiling, uncertain sea that is life.
Often people fail to include aesthetic attraction as one of the 3 forms of attraction, so I'm glad that you did.
Thank you for sharing this with us <3
I've always thought of myself as demi-sexual, ever since I looked up "why can't I find someone attractive until I like their personality?" And then bam, found that it's demi-sexual. But then after experimenting with those I found I loved it was odd to me that I couldn't stay hard. I went to the doctor, he thought it might be heart problems or physic, so I shaped up and physically made myself healthier. But it didn't help much.
I thought it might be a mental thing, like being nervous going to the bathroom in a public urinal to the point where you can't go even though you are about to explode. And so overcoming some nerves did help a bit too, but still there's almost no pleasure physically in doing it.
I suppose that puts me on the border of demi and gray? I'll have to keep exploring to find out.
Also your part about finding your sexual orientation hits me hard too, because I suffered like that and got to the same point. I'm sorry to hear about what happened but I'm glad you're okay.
Finally the last bit is something I think resonates with me fully, "if there are people who can hate for no reason, then I can love" gonna keep that one for later use ^^
Thanks again for writing this! I feel like I'm closer to understanding myself more. At least now I'm more aware of what the spectrum of ace and romanticisms are, and can go forward with that knowledge.
Have a great day, and I don't know you either but I love you too 💙
Look at us guys who thought there might be something wrong with us because we can’t stay aroused! 🤗
We are relevant!!!
There's more of us than I thought! For a while I thought I was alone with this problem until I saw the journal from 2016 and this one! Need to meet more people like this
Bunch of dudes who like dudes without the sexual tension in the way 😊
I feel I have had a pretty good grasp on myself and that I am a homoromantic asexual who really likes vore and how men look and feel 🥰
I read your previous journal a year or two ago(?) and it really helped get the gears in my head turning for what I actually liked and desired.
May your words and knowledge imparted help many more folks come to understand themselves or other asexuals!
It's been the stories like yours and many others that've helped me better come to terms with my thoughts and feelings on what has been a confusing time of self discovery for me. So again I must say thank you.
though i definitely have a male leaning preference in these things
It was really tricky to figure out that I was asexual, too. I'm not very open about it since the LGBTQ community (or a majority of the ones I've told, anyway) either tell me I'm just in denial or confused or they start drilling me with very invasive questions that are none of their business; it feels like they are trying to test my asexuality against what they think it is.
This always struck me as ironic since it's the same kind of questions and invalidation I know a lot of gay people receive when they tell others. But I'm getting it from the LGBTQ community itself!
And that's why I'm just not very open about that aspect of myself to others.
Well said. c:
I do feel much the same way, and have had similar dysphoria. It's always good to have words to describe how one feels internally, and give some semblance of identity rather than dysfunction.
Like you, I am turned on by vore, but often that is not enough. It sometimes leaves me feeling, ironically, empty. I know that sex doesn't really fix anything. In the Netflix series Sex Education (which I highly recommend and no spoilers) there is a scene in which an ace person is being counseled, which was almost cathartic for me. I know that love can happen without sex, but it just seems unlikely to me.
Anyway, sorry to ramble, but I'm glad there are guys out there who understand what it's like to be going through this struggle. Hope you're well and I wish you the best.
Thank you again for this post.