Okay, so this is going to be one hell of a post. Where to begin? I've been fighting for the last two or so years to get a new wheelchair, as my old one was failing and going on 8 years old. It would come to a grinding halt with no warning and sometimes wouldn't get going again. After battling with insurance and gaining help from rehab, I got my updated wheelchair back in... I think it was late July early August. However, on receiving my chair, it had developed some sort of fault that caused it to error out as if the wheel on the left side was not connected even though it was. After my wheelchair mechanic and I had to fight with the manufacturer from Germany for nearly a month, I finally have my new chair up and running. (Knock on wood.)

Though that was stressful, it was only an underlying fight I have been going through that added to the other issues going on in my life. My at the time mate and I had been trying to move out from my parents' place which had been a contention of a lot of anxiety and tension, not only between us and my parents (Or me personally with my parents) And with each other... We had gotten married on the 4th of December 2017 and had been dating since the same date in 2014. However, things have been going downhill for a while now which had been stressful on both of us and unfortunately, by May of this year, we split up. She walked out on me in June to move to Florida, taking our little doggo with her who it kills me to know I'll never see again. (He was her puppy before we got together, so it is fair in a sense she took him. But it doesn't make up for the fact he was like my own kid for the duration of our relationship and I know I'll never have another special furbaby like him ever again.)

It's been one of the most painful and dark times in my life. My best friend of over 10 years now, a third of my life has basically abandoned me like I meant nothing at all. While it hurts and a lot has happened I won't go into here... I still wish her the best and though she may no longer care for me not even as a friend which... hurts me the deepest... I can't so easily toss my feelings for her to the side. I'll always care for her.

One of the reasons I'll mention was stressful: We had been staying much longer than anticipated with my folks due to me fighting for my chair. If we moved, the process would be started over or halted. And it kept getting pushed back and already delayed a ton longer than we were told. Which also caused fights between us. We had a friend offer to move us down to Florida with him and my Ex's twin sister and we were planning on starting fresh there. It stings even worse that I got the chair I waited so long for only AFTER she walked out.

Not only has this left me emotionally and mentally a mess, I no longer have a caretaker. She was the one to transfer me in and out of my wheelchair, in and out of the tub, and even helping me with my showers. Before she came into my life my elderly grandmother and my aging father were the ones to handle me. In the time she's been here their health has gone downhill and even just weeks before she left my grandmother broke her arm bad enough she had to have plates put in it. So it's been beyond difficult even being handled or helped day-to-day.

On top of all that? This all happens right during Covid-19. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster I'm still trying to figure out where the exit is to it... I've had so many wonderful friends and family members supporting me and trying to build me up in this rough patch and I can't thank them enough. I'm going to work my way towards being more active on FA the best I can. It's been hard to not isolate myself more than I already am, basically spending every day with her in the same room for the last 4-ish years to suddenly being by myself... Which has always been an insecurity/fear of mine. Even sleep has been super hard on me. I've not exactly wanted to lay in the bed we shared on top of never having done well sleeping alone. So being tired, stressed, and depressed a lot is kinda my new normal. Which is not who I used to be... But I'm doing my best to figure things out.

For the time being, I'm back on FA and hopefully, things start making sense sometime soon. Thanks again to all of my wonderful online friends and family riding this crazy thing out with me <3