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10 months later
5 years ago
General
I... Need to rant. I need to get this off my chest before I explode.
It's been nearly 11 months since we split... and 10 since I was completely abandoned by my ex. And I'm nowhere close to being okay... I don't even really know why I'm writing this but... I'm not okay. I've done everything I can to try and move forward. Remove as much as I can from my day to day that was from what once was... Finding new hobbies, playing more games. Even getting a new PC... And I'm still sobbing myself to sleep at night. I no longer lay in bed. I sleep in my wheelchair because with her leaving it's basically forced me to either abandon what little autonomy I have and have my dad lay me down at 10 PM every night, or just stay in my wheelchair and screw up my back but still have the ability to get up and go to the bathroom or get a drink if I need it. Not that laying in that bed we shared does me any good anyway. The loneliness is legitimately haunting me.
I have more vivid dreams of her than anything I have ever dreamed before in my life. And I don't want to. I'm tired of these dreams. I've had dreams where I'm looking at my doorway, she walks in and... I ask why she's here.. Only to blink my eyes and be awake looking at that same spot in my room unable to tell I was asleep... I've had dreams just waking up as we used to.. cuddling to her back and talking gently to her... Even full dreams of days we had before. the mundane but quiet days. Waking up, eating, taking the dogs out, watching youtube, then getting on Second Life that night and staying up into the night before going to bed... While things hadn't been that smooth in a while... those dreams feel so real and waking from them feels like losing her all over again.
She did everything she promised me years ago she said she'd never do. She not only left me as a lover but as a friend. She... Just tossed me aside like I meant nothing. Even lying saying I cheated on her which I NEVER did... A few months later, she's happy with someone else, in a new home, with a new job... And it's left me completely broken... I by no means want her to be unhappy... I'm not that kind of person. I always said if she ever felt like we wouldn't work back in the beginning when we were dating, I'd let her go. But to "say yes" and then drag my heart through so much in the entirety of our relationship, which I was more than willing to fight through any hardships.. she just... abandoned it all; gave up.
And no. I don't want ANYONE going after her or throwing any insults in her face. Even if I have every right to... I can't. Even with friends and family telling me all the horrid things she'd put me through... I can nod with them but... I can't say she's a terrible person. I can't honestly say that even if it were true... I'm not that shallow. I've blocked her nearly everywhere not out of spite but... Because I can't even hear her voice without it causing me to break down now... I can't even be around her digitally in Second Life.
I have had so many wonderful friends and family behind me... And I'm trying my hardest for them to get out of this but... I genuinely don't think I can keep up the act much longer. I'm slipping deeper into a hole I can't fight out of. Out of all the 100's of broken bones I have had in my life... I'd take every. single. one. All at once, over this... over any of this. Out of all the challenges my condition has put me through I have been able to smile or at least grin and bear it... and this... I can't. There is no silver lining. There is no hope or happiness in any of this... My self-confidence is obliterated past the point of repair. On any sort of endeavors.
I... don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford therapy which I'm pretty sure I need at this point... And I'm basically forced to live with my parents which isn't the healthiest of environments if I'm honest without going into too much detail. And yes, I'm safe physically. It's not like any sort of physical abuse... I feel trapped without the kind of help I need mentally or physically.
I have been trying to play more games, watch more anime, and... Get my mind off things. It only works when I'm doing something and not always will that hold out long. Without even thinking about it... I'll bring up a memory of when we were together or mention hr in passing. Not even thinking about it. I don't consciously do it... and I know I'm starting to annoy some friends when I do mention my ex... I don't even WANT to talk about them anymore because it hurts... yet it still happens.
This isn't me. I've never been a depressing sadsack. I hate who I am now and... I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't seem to have a single night's peace... On the rare occasion, I can go through the night without crying... It's always followed by one where I can't stop. I'm so.. so tired. I just want to stop hurting... I want to move on with my life and be happy again. To be me again... Because as it stands, that old me is dead. And I don't know that he's ever coming back. No matter how badly I want him to.
Sorry if I'm worrying anyone.. if anyone even reads this at all. I just.. feel like I'm screaming into the void until I'm spitting up blood right now.
It's been nearly 11 months since we split... and 10 since I was completely abandoned by my ex. And I'm nowhere close to being okay... I don't even really know why I'm writing this but... I'm not okay. I've done everything I can to try and move forward. Remove as much as I can from my day to day that was from what once was... Finding new hobbies, playing more games. Even getting a new PC... And I'm still sobbing myself to sleep at night. I no longer lay in bed. I sleep in my wheelchair because with her leaving it's basically forced me to either abandon what little autonomy I have and have my dad lay me down at 10 PM every night, or just stay in my wheelchair and screw up my back but still have the ability to get up and go to the bathroom or get a drink if I need it. Not that laying in that bed we shared does me any good anyway. The loneliness is legitimately haunting me.
I have more vivid dreams of her than anything I have ever dreamed before in my life. And I don't want to. I'm tired of these dreams. I've had dreams where I'm looking at my doorway, she walks in and... I ask why she's here.. Only to blink my eyes and be awake looking at that same spot in my room unable to tell I was asleep... I've had dreams just waking up as we used to.. cuddling to her back and talking gently to her... Even full dreams of days we had before. the mundane but quiet days. Waking up, eating, taking the dogs out, watching youtube, then getting on Second Life that night and staying up into the night before going to bed... While things hadn't been that smooth in a while... those dreams feel so real and waking from them feels like losing her all over again.
She did everything she promised me years ago she said she'd never do. She not only left me as a lover but as a friend. She... Just tossed me aside like I meant nothing. Even lying saying I cheated on her which I NEVER did... A few months later, she's happy with someone else, in a new home, with a new job... And it's left me completely broken... I by no means want her to be unhappy... I'm not that kind of person. I always said if she ever felt like we wouldn't work back in the beginning when we were dating, I'd let her go. But to "say yes" and then drag my heart through so much in the entirety of our relationship, which I was more than willing to fight through any hardships.. she just... abandoned it all; gave up.
And no. I don't want ANYONE going after her or throwing any insults in her face. Even if I have every right to... I can't. Even with friends and family telling me all the horrid things she'd put me through... I can nod with them but... I can't say she's a terrible person. I can't honestly say that even if it were true... I'm not that shallow. I've blocked her nearly everywhere not out of spite but... Because I can't even hear her voice without it causing me to break down now... I can't even be around her digitally in Second Life.
I have had so many wonderful friends and family behind me... And I'm trying my hardest for them to get out of this but... I genuinely don't think I can keep up the act much longer. I'm slipping deeper into a hole I can't fight out of. Out of all the 100's of broken bones I have had in my life... I'd take every. single. one. All at once, over this... over any of this. Out of all the challenges my condition has put me through I have been able to smile or at least grin and bear it... and this... I can't. There is no silver lining. There is no hope or happiness in any of this... My self-confidence is obliterated past the point of repair. On any sort of endeavors.
I... don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford therapy which I'm pretty sure I need at this point... And I'm basically forced to live with my parents which isn't the healthiest of environments if I'm honest without going into too much detail. And yes, I'm safe physically. It's not like any sort of physical abuse... I feel trapped without the kind of help I need mentally or physically.
I have been trying to play more games, watch more anime, and... Get my mind off things. It only works when I'm doing something and not always will that hold out long. Without even thinking about it... I'll bring up a memory of when we were together or mention hr in passing. Not even thinking about it. I don't consciously do it... and I know I'm starting to annoy some friends when I do mention my ex... I don't even WANT to talk about them anymore because it hurts... yet it still happens.
This isn't me. I've never been a depressing sadsack. I hate who I am now and... I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't seem to have a single night's peace... On the rare occasion, I can go through the night without crying... It's always followed by one where I can't stop. I'm so.. so tired. I just want to stop hurting... I want to move on with my life and be happy again. To be me again... Because as it stands, that old me is dead. And I don't know that he's ever coming back. No matter how badly I want him to.
Sorry if I'm worrying anyone.. if anyone even reads this at all. I just.. feel like I'm screaming into the void until I'm spitting up blood right now.
