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Tired... just tired.
5 years ago
No one is going to read this, so why the hell am I even bothering? I guess that's the whole point, no one is going to read this...
I really don't know why that should bother me, chances are I am always going to be a nobody, trying to thrive under the shadow of giants while barely getting the crumbs left behind. I can't help but feel that either I am missing something, or the world really is just against me, ignoring me, as if everything I do is wrong in some way, viewed as fake or trying too hard or not trying enough. I can't seem to win, other people rise to "fame" fast, get all the attention, and despite all that I know of persistence is the keep seeing is very little reward.
Yet, I don't want to just give in to what I "feel" like the community wants, yet in many ways would that actually be better? Do I draw what I "think" the community wants to see, or continue with what I believe might give people some real emotional connection to a plotline? Or does no one really care about the plot, just look at the pictures and move on?
Every damn day is a struggle, every bloody day I hate myself, hate where I am, and hate that I don't seem to be going anywhere. I am trying so hard to fit in, so hard to be someone and it seems the universe is against that. How can I possibly be just "me" when I don't truly know who me is?
It's almost funny really, how the desire to be popular, even if it is so I can make others happy, makes me so sad, so often. Such a first world problem, when so many others don't even have the basics to live. It's not that I do not believe I am blessed to be in the position I am, but, the human brain doesn't work like that, certainly not mine! Forgetful, untalented, and way too often focused on what I am not.
Getting tired of trying, full stop. I am really starting to feel lost and I hate it. Not just lost in the woods, but in the middle of a bustling city full of people doing so much better than me. I want to give up, but some completely stupid part of me thinks my ideas are cool and unique.
B.S. and I know it.
Fuck it...
I really don't know why that should bother me, chances are I am always going to be a nobody, trying to thrive under the shadow of giants while barely getting the crumbs left behind. I can't help but feel that either I am missing something, or the world really is just against me, ignoring me, as if everything I do is wrong in some way, viewed as fake or trying too hard or not trying enough. I can't seem to win, other people rise to "fame" fast, get all the attention, and despite all that I know of persistence is the keep seeing is very little reward.
Yet, I don't want to just give in to what I "feel" like the community wants, yet in many ways would that actually be better? Do I draw what I "think" the community wants to see, or continue with what I believe might give people some real emotional connection to a plotline? Or does no one really care about the plot, just look at the pictures and move on?
Every damn day is a struggle, every bloody day I hate myself, hate where I am, and hate that I don't seem to be going anywhere. I am trying so hard to fit in, so hard to be someone and it seems the universe is against that. How can I possibly be just "me" when I don't truly know who me is?
It's almost funny really, how the desire to be popular, even if it is so I can make others happy, makes me so sad, so often. Such a first world problem, when so many others don't even have the basics to live. It's not that I do not believe I am blessed to be in the position I am, but, the human brain doesn't work like that, certainly not mine! Forgetful, untalented, and way too often focused on what I am not.
Getting tired of trying, full stop. I am really starting to feel lost and I hate it. Not just lost in the woods, but in the middle of a bustling city full of people doing so much better than me. I want to give up, but some completely stupid part of me thinks my ideas are cool and unique.
B.S. and I know it.
Fuck it...
Honestly, I tend to be excited to see new content creators, as it's a joy to see them evolve over time, watch their artstyle improve, and see what ideas they can bring in.
As for why I draw, it's filled with mixed emotions. I love creating art, I really do, and one of the reasons I do want to continue doing the comic is because I enjoy coming up with the ideas and putting them down! Yet, as I don't have an income at all, I cannot help but feel the stress of wanting more attention. And well really, it comes down to wanting some kind of validation that people like what I do. Very shallow and self centered attitude, but an emotion I cannot seem to rid. (I suffer because of desire)
Is it wrong to want people to go, or even just think "Oh wouldn't it be cool to be in the comic as "such n such" . Then be able to make that come true and draw something that brings them some kind of joy?
Anyway, I will work on trying to post what makes me happy and work on trying to be happy without expecting any return. Thank you for taking the time to help :) Let's hope a nights sleep helps put a fresh perspective on things tomorrow.
I do think you have to do this sort of thing mostly for yourself and not get hung up on follower count. At the same time i understand how it would be frustrating, since art is all about visual communication and when you feel like nobody is looking/interacting with it, why even bother?
Part of the rush of making new things is seeing the numbers grow, so i dont think you shallow for wanting a bigger number.
I will say that it’s hard to hold yourself accountable and work on projects like your comic, and i think you’ve been doing a great job with it thus far, and that i enjoy seeing new uploads from you.
Sorry i can’t offer much more constructive advice.
I think it's the whole double-bind really, that to really get the followers you have to do it, as it if doesn't matter how many followers you get, even though you know logistically, it does!
Either way, I don't intend to stop any time soon, not in the immediate future at least while I can fund myself without too much concern, but savings deplete etc etc. w/e! I need to get myself obsessed with drawing, stop getting distracted, stop getting depressed and enjoy the drawings, get the drawings done faster and be able to offer up more spaces in the comic for others to be able to join in, the vision which I have had from the start. I would love to have things like, raids in the comic with all dif fursona's involved etc etc. But that's a little way into the future yet!