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His hair...
5 years ago
Since my beloved dog passed recently, I'm finding his reddish orange hair all over. Even in my van. Rather than just smiling and tossing it away, I grit my teeth and stare at it for a while, going through my memories of him, then put it some place special, to preserve it.
I still have hair from my wolf, whom I loved, who passed years ago.
I remember my beloved Barley, who wanted to be near me more than he wanted to eat.
I remember him slowly pulling a Costco hot dog that was in my lap, as he lay behind me, hoping if he was slow enough I wouldn't notice. I laugh through misty eyes as I type this.
I recall how if we were both laying, when he gave me a kiss, I would touch my hand to his face, and he would touch his paw to my face. I had someone snap a picture of it once. Some people are grossed out by a dog touching his tongue to my face but I didn't give a shit. I loved him dearly.
I remember how faithful he was, following me and being by my side at all times. I remember his gratitude, and his honest tail that never lied, wagging every time I looked at him and smiled.
Thinking back I knew he loved me, but hashing out these memories, I realize the depth of his love for me was not able to be fully perceived by my mind while he was alive. It's a cruel beckoning that might be designed to help me not fight passing into the next world when my time comes, that is my thought on that. (I am not suicidal, don't worry about that, if people knew ALL OF THE THINGS I HAVE LIVED THROUGH you would know that I'm not going to self harm!!!) To be with my Boo Bear again, and to feel his soft hair (he had hair, not fur, by virtue of him being a Basenji).
When I saw my baby boy, always so refreshing and wonderful to see him no matter how long we were apart, when I saw his body, entirely without it's spark of life, having passed on near the radio that played Christian praise music, something that seemed to make my dogs happier at the end of the day, I wept bitterly, crying out, it wasn't fair, my fiancee who I loved left me, taking her two children, whom I also loved as my own, having left just weeks earlier, and now God took my beloved dog, my only other consolation, now I could not say, "at least I still have my Barley! He won't ever leave me!"
I cringe at the irony that the year 2020 has been so awful to so many, but it is the year I gained everything I ever wanted, and then lost it all a short while after.
I still have hair from my wolf, whom I loved, who passed years ago.
I remember my beloved Barley, who wanted to be near me more than he wanted to eat.
I remember him slowly pulling a Costco hot dog that was in my lap, as he lay behind me, hoping if he was slow enough I wouldn't notice. I laugh through misty eyes as I type this.
I recall how if we were both laying, when he gave me a kiss, I would touch my hand to his face, and he would touch his paw to my face. I had someone snap a picture of it once. Some people are grossed out by a dog touching his tongue to my face but I didn't give a shit. I loved him dearly.
I remember how faithful he was, following me and being by my side at all times. I remember his gratitude, and his honest tail that never lied, wagging every time I looked at him and smiled.
Thinking back I knew he loved me, but hashing out these memories, I realize the depth of his love for me was not able to be fully perceived by my mind while he was alive. It's a cruel beckoning that might be designed to help me not fight passing into the next world when my time comes, that is my thought on that. (I am not suicidal, don't worry about that, if people knew ALL OF THE THINGS I HAVE LIVED THROUGH you would know that I'm not going to self harm!!!) To be with my Boo Bear again, and to feel his soft hair (he had hair, not fur, by virtue of him being a Basenji).
When I saw my baby boy, always so refreshing and wonderful to see him no matter how long we were apart, when I saw his body, entirely without it's spark of life, having passed on near the radio that played Christian praise music, something that seemed to make my dogs happier at the end of the day, I wept bitterly, crying out, it wasn't fair, my fiancee who I loved left me, taking her two children, whom I also loved as my own, having left just weeks earlier, and now God took my beloved dog, my only other consolation, now I could not say, "at least I still have my Barley! He won't ever leave me!"
I cringe at the irony that the year 2020 has been so awful to so many, but it is the year I gained everything I ever wanted, and then lost it all a short while after.
Yep, it's a very strange year
- Xi Yao
V.
Like tides, phases of the moon and seasons.
We choose to love other people, although this requires effort.
Animals are far easier as they slide into our hearts with little effort, and no notice until we feel incomplete without them.
"We are such things as dreams are made on and our little life is rounded with a sleep."
Ephemeral. Transitory.
Being left with only memories is quite difficult at first. They feel cold as the beloved presence fades.
Until later. When a fond memory suddenly slides into focus and having cried out the last of our grief, the memory instead leaves us smiling.
Death is not the end, science tells us that energy cannot be destroyed. But it can be transformed.
Our individual energies never die in that sense. Magnetic, dynamic. When at last our own breath ceases, those energies are drawn back to us. Reunited and completed, we go on to whatever is next. Pain and loss forgotten, only the joy of love.
Stay strong brother.