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It's been a while
5 years ago
I've been quiet for so long and I wanna update y'all on what's been going on with me. I apologize if this text feels disjointed and all over the place. I'm just spilling out how I feel.
So back in March I lost my job because my stupid boss wanted to preemptively save some money when the world went to shit. I know this because the lead dev recently told me they never had a dip in clients or work. In fact, he told me they had too much work and were really overworking everyone else. So you know what they did? They hired two more people while I was laid off. Oh btw, the other guy they laid off and I had seniority over the other devs that they didn't lay off lmao
I was terrified when I lost my job. I have a lot of student loan debt, a car payment, rent, food, everything. Felt like it was over. Idk what "it" was, but life or something was over. I thought me and my bf would have to split up just to survive. All these thoughts ran through my head. Despite all this, something in me sparked. This drive to draw and create and learn. I started a comic, I was learning Game Maker 2 language, I had started a new commission batch. I was ready to turn things around because it was now or never and I had all the time in the world to really push myself to make art as a career work for myself. I'd wake up happy and refreshed. Ready to sit down and get to working on my comic and personal arts. Chat with friends and stream. But things soon changed.
Literally the afternoon right after my commissions opened, about a month and a half after I was laid off, I got an email from my boss asking if I wanted to do some freelance work. My savings was getting pretty low but I still managed to pay all my bills and debts. But... I was scared. What was I going to do? I had nobody to fall back on. I don't live with my parents. I was 700 miles away from my family. So I gave in and took on the freelance. I've worked shit jobs at a factory and retail before this dev job. I do what I have to do to survive. I knew despite working freelance shit for them, they would still overwork me. I'd stay up all night and not sleep just to meet their deadlines. A friend of mine even jumped in to help me one night I stayed up for 48 hours because I had to get something done. I can't thank you enough Ilya. You've been my best bro for such a long time now and you really saved my ass that night. I'll always be grateful for all you've done for me.
This freelance overworking shit went on for like a month or so, and I was losing my patience with them. I started to psyche myself up to start art again and I kid you not, the day I started a logo project for a couple of friends - my boss offered me my job back. At this point I started to believe I lived in a simulation. From offering me freelance the day I open commissions and now offering my old job back the day I start a project for my friends. This is some Twilight Zone shit. But how could I say no? It's stable income whereas art never has been. So I ended up wrapping up the paid commissions and went back to work. Keep in mind, I still haven't gotten any of my unemployment payments for 4 months at this point. All that time I'd call and call unemployment offices every day trying to get through to someone, like the legions of others who lost their jobs.
I thought moving to a new place would help make me feel happier because I'd be saving money but that was short lived. Shit's just been the same. Overworked, always stressed, and absolutely no desire to draw. I don't even really want to play video games. I literally just veg out and watch videos after work. Don't even have the mental energy to make myself cook food or exercise. I've been broken so many times every opportunity I had to make art work for me, that I just can't bring myself to draw like I used to. Part of me thinks that this is just how my life is meant to be. Not everyone "makes it". It's hard to accept but I don't know. I hate how much stress my job gives me. I hate that it does this to me in my own home since I work remotely. I hate how they hired two people after getting rid of me and never even said a damn thing about it. I hate the constant daily microaggressions that I just have to deal with or risk losing my job again. I hate how I'm stuck in this endless loop of having to just dissociate and work work work.
I fantasize about quitting and hope things work out for the best but I know I'll end up back in retail or a factory. I hate going to sleep because that just means I have to wake up to a bunch of fake ass people who just smile and laugh at anything someone says. Sometimes I think about seeing a therapist or going on meds, but then I realize that's just more bills to pay. I do have OCD and have picked up grinding my teeth in stupid patterns (I haven't chewed gum in years because it usually triggers it). I wish it were just the weird breathing, swallowing, or finger touching patterns like it usually manifests.
I'm so sorry for letting people down. I've been pushing myself to draw and get back into some semblance of a groove. Felt the need to get this off of my chest. I owe it to all the people who've supported me over the years. Usually I'm very private or withdrawn about my personal life but I just really needed to let it all out.
I love drawing more than any hobby or activity. Tf and pool toys reignited my love for drawing. Made me take art more seriously and was my muse. Seeing myself like this, without the drive or will to draw because my job has squeezed all the creative energy from me probably hurts the most. I refuse to let those assholes take it away from me and I promise to kick things back up even if I have to quit my job and risk everything. Every day I'm not living for myself is one day wasted and closer to the end. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this, filled with regrets. Not nearly enough weird lewd tf squeaks out there and I need to fix that.
Thank you all for sticking by me. Thank you to my small circle of friends who've been there for me through all this. And especially thank you to my boyfriend Yuudai for always being there for me for when I've felt hopeless and at my worst. To pick up the pieces when I fall apart.
I love you all so much ❤🎈
❤❤
❤❤
So back in March I lost my job because my stupid boss wanted to preemptively save some money when the world went to shit. I know this because the lead dev recently told me they never had a dip in clients or work. In fact, he told me they had too much work and were really overworking everyone else. So you know what they did? They hired two more people while I was laid off. Oh btw, the other guy they laid off and I had seniority over the other devs that they didn't lay off lmao
I was terrified when I lost my job. I have a lot of student loan debt, a car payment, rent, food, everything. Felt like it was over. Idk what "it" was, but life or something was over. I thought me and my bf would have to split up just to survive. All these thoughts ran through my head. Despite all this, something in me sparked. This drive to draw and create and learn. I started a comic, I was learning Game Maker 2 language, I had started a new commission batch. I was ready to turn things around because it was now or never and I had all the time in the world to really push myself to make art as a career work for myself. I'd wake up happy and refreshed. Ready to sit down and get to working on my comic and personal arts. Chat with friends and stream. But things soon changed.
Literally the afternoon right after my commissions opened, about a month and a half after I was laid off, I got an email from my boss asking if I wanted to do some freelance work. My savings was getting pretty low but I still managed to pay all my bills and debts. But... I was scared. What was I going to do? I had nobody to fall back on. I don't live with my parents. I was 700 miles away from my family. So I gave in and took on the freelance. I've worked shit jobs at a factory and retail before this dev job. I do what I have to do to survive. I knew despite working freelance shit for them, they would still overwork me. I'd stay up all night and not sleep just to meet their deadlines. A friend of mine even jumped in to help me one night I stayed up for 48 hours because I had to get something done. I can't thank you enough Ilya. You've been my best bro for such a long time now and you really saved my ass that night. I'll always be grateful for all you've done for me.
This freelance overworking shit went on for like a month or so, and I was losing my patience with them. I started to psyche myself up to start art again and I kid you not, the day I started a logo project for a couple of friends - my boss offered me my job back. At this point I started to believe I lived in a simulation. From offering me freelance the day I open commissions and now offering my old job back the day I start a project for my friends. This is some Twilight Zone shit. But how could I say no? It's stable income whereas art never has been. So I ended up wrapping up the paid commissions and went back to work. Keep in mind, I still haven't gotten any of my unemployment payments for 4 months at this point. All that time I'd call and call unemployment offices every day trying to get through to someone, like the legions of others who lost their jobs.
I thought moving to a new place would help make me feel happier because I'd be saving money but that was short lived. Shit's just been the same. Overworked, always stressed, and absolutely no desire to draw. I don't even really want to play video games. I literally just veg out and watch videos after work. Don't even have the mental energy to make myself cook food or exercise. I've been broken so many times every opportunity I had to make art work for me, that I just can't bring myself to draw like I used to. Part of me thinks that this is just how my life is meant to be. Not everyone "makes it". It's hard to accept but I don't know. I hate how much stress my job gives me. I hate that it does this to me in my own home since I work remotely. I hate how they hired two people after getting rid of me and never even said a damn thing about it. I hate the constant daily microaggressions that I just have to deal with or risk losing my job again. I hate how I'm stuck in this endless loop of having to just dissociate and work work work.
I fantasize about quitting and hope things work out for the best but I know I'll end up back in retail or a factory. I hate going to sleep because that just means I have to wake up to a bunch of fake ass people who just smile and laugh at anything someone says. Sometimes I think about seeing a therapist or going on meds, but then I realize that's just more bills to pay. I do have OCD and have picked up grinding my teeth in stupid patterns (I haven't chewed gum in years because it usually triggers it). I wish it were just the weird breathing, swallowing, or finger touching patterns like it usually manifests.
I'm so sorry for letting people down. I've been pushing myself to draw and get back into some semblance of a groove. Felt the need to get this off of my chest. I owe it to all the people who've supported me over the years. Usually I'm very private or withdrawn about my personal life but I just really needed to let it all out.
I love drawing more than any hobby or activity. Tf and pool toys reignited my love for drawing. Made me take art more seriously and was my muse. Seeing myself like this, without the drive or will to draw because my job has squeezed all the creative energy from me probably hurts the most. I refuse to let those assholes take it away from me and I promise to kick things back up even if I have to quit my job and risk everything. Every day I'm not living for myself is one day wasted and closer to the end. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this, filled with regrets. Not nearly enough weird lewd tf squeaks out there and I need to fix that.
Thank you all for sticking by me. Thank you to my small circle of friends who've been there for me through all this. And especially thank you to my boyfriend Yuudai for always being there for me for when I've felt hopeless and at my worst. To pick up the pieces when I fall apart.
I love you all so much ❤🎈
❤❤
❤❤
Also there is never a need to apologize for being reserved! You owe us nothing, Your own mental health and well-being always take priority!
I hope that the end of this year, and 2021 turn out to be better for you!
You always make amazing art and you deserve so much better than this mess. Your wellbeing and mental health are most important.
I believe in you and I know you'll get it. You are amazing!
Sending many squeaky hugs and positive energy <3
But yeah, jesus, thats a horrible cycle you've been though. You deserve being freed from that.
If you opt to go into full time art, maybe open an extra tip jar or something for some additional support besides patreon, I know plenty of people would be willing to chip in, it would be a horrible shame to see your passion be crushed under this sorta shitty weight.
Stay strong, and even if you find it hard, please look after yourself.
There's nothing quite as horrible as being stressed out and over worked, to the point where you can't game to relax, or cook food to eat. I can understand how that feels.
I'm so, SO happy to hear you have a circle of close friends to help support you though! When we're at our roughest; having kind, close friends can really be a game changer and help us cope with life's hardships.
I really hope things get better for you, you don't deserve being dicked around like this.
Stay strong, Rem! You can do this! ♥
If your programming in Game Maker Studio picks up, you could arrange a blog with updates to your game and pitch it to kick starter or various other ways, it's a bit of a business slog but with the right market research and focus, you could get a steady income to live off while you work on making the game, it's scary but its possible, keep doors ajar in your life, do what keeps you afloat and makes you happy, and it never hurts to dream and plan about making those dreams a reality.
I believe your art is very unique and has an incredibly joyful energy to it! It’s really heartbreaking to know that your life has been missing that same joy, but I hope in the future you’ll be able to reconnect with it, in one way or another. Stay strong!!
You got this. Both of you got this. I have faith in you guys.
I'm so sorry that you're going through that though. Honestly that was me last year. Let go over some stupid stuff, replaced by someone worthless and now things are going really tough for the team because the guy sucks. Karma's gonna get them if it didn't already.
As for the death of a muse...yeah I"Ve been there, too. I definitely get it. Let yourself heal. DOn't force it back. "Has a flower that has been pried open, truly bloomed?"
I can't wait to see what you come up with once you return to form, and I know you will. You got this, Rem!
I had a friend who gave me some encouragement during this time when I was worried about losing it all. He told me that sometimes a change of scenery or different approach to the art would help bring back that happiness. I can't say that I ever really changed up my scenery, or had a mind-blowing revelation, but the encouragement helped me stay determined. That determination was able to slowly build up over the years, and I was able to gradually push myself back into art. It was hard, but it was possible.
I managed to get through it and come out stronger. I'm still recovering from it, and it does get rough now and then, but it is possible to come out on the other side. Things will even out, and you can definitely find your happiness with art and recreational activities again. I wish you the best of luck through it all.