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This is the last I'll say and then I'm moving on
5 years ago
TW, abuse.
Since you have blocked me on all accounts this is all I have left.
Hopefully you'll see this. This letter is my closure and I'll try to move on the best I can after this.
.
.
.
I grew up abused. Physically and mentally. I learned from an early age to not trust others, especially those close to me (family). Is an awful lesson to learn at such a young age.
I learned to put walls up and forever be on guard. I never did it intentionally, but as a subconscious safely measure to keep myself from getting hurt.
Throughout my life I had lowered my walls at times just to have people hurt me and abandon me for things I never did whether it be rumours or someone better coming along.
Each time it was never something I did but it always left the same pain. And this isn't me avoiding taking responsibility for my actions. People truly abandoned me for things I had no part in. I've spoken with my [then] therapist about it.
Each time I was hurt I built my wall higher.
I do not seek out friends any longer.
All too often people befriend me for their own gain, such as having romantic interest or wanting stuff from me such as artwork or fursuits.
Then you came along.
You seemed to want me for me, not for what I could provide for you.
My walls came down. The walls that hadn't come down in years.
You got inside me and learned my fears, my hopes, my dreams, what I love, my past.
We grew very close.
I learned about you and learned to love you.
I learned that maybe I can tear those walls down. Something I haven't done since MIDDLE SCHOOL.
You needed space because you were catching feelings still after it had been determined we were to stay platonic for our best interests. It was the best.
It was around this time that I realised you deleted me off of your "special people" category on your profile.
You said it wasn't personal but how do you think I couldn't have taken that personal. That HURT. And you didn't tell me you did it, you just did it without any explanation. The only reason I didn't see it sooner was because I never go on here.
When you first told me that you did it I cried. I don't think you know that. That someone actually considered ME special enough to advertise it.
The messages you'd leave me telling me I was enough and that I was unique and a great person. I kept those. I listened to them when I felt down.
To know that the same person who left those wants nothing to do with me makes me physically feel sick. I feel like vomiting when I think about it.
But then I learned that you had issues with people becoming your friend, only wanting romance, and then ghosting you when you cannot reciprocate.
You didn't tell me about this and only told me after I had brought up that we don't talk anymore.
I learned too that you had acquired another partner and were now talking to the person who contributed to your poor mental health and who made you feel so completely shitty in the first place.
It's all you talked and vented about most times. That should have been my red flag. But hindsight is always 2020.
So then I told you that I didn't realise I was taken down as one of your "special people" and you brushed it off, knowing it hurt me.
That was an awful thing to do.
You claim to be going to therapy to better yourself but putting others down in the process and path to betterment is ok? I sure hope your therapist isn't teaching you that.
When I came out and in 100% honesty, told you what was wrong and specifically how you hurt me, you blocked me on ALL accounts.
You brushed me off.
You claim to be bettering yourself but you would completely shut someone out when they're pouring their heart out to you. An obvious sign that they do care, they cared TOO deeply.
I told you I was afraid of you getting back into a relationship with the person who hurt you so bad that you'd send me PARAGRAPHS about it. That you cried over them.
I was being a good and honest friend. You blocked me for that.
All in the name of "bettering yourself".
I don't dislike this person-I actually really like them, I just didn't think it was a good idea to get back into a relationship that brought out toxicity on both sides.
But you blocked me for wanting my friend to be safe.
After you blocked me I realised that when you stopped talking to me was also when you were rekindling things with this ex.
You blocked me before I could say anything.
From my side it feels like I was an emotional rebound. I was there for you when they weren't. Then when I wasn't useful anymore you stopped giving me time.
That's not what friends do.
I sincerely hope that you work on that.
That you cannot simply use someone and then ghost them when they're not of any use.
I know that wasn't your intention, but it's what happened.
The evidence speaks for itself.
You hurt me. You hurt me BAD.
Then you have the nerve to say that I betrayed your trust by venting about it on my previous journal.
That's my right. Absolutely no one knows what or who I was talking about. They still don't.
And what do you expect me to do when you shut me down and refused to try and see it from my point of view. I don't have people like you do. I don't have anyone to talk to. I cannot bottle this up. You personally know that you cannot do that.
I tore down my walls ONLY for you to ghost me. The EXACT thing you told me you were so afraid of me doing to you. I constantly had to reassure you that I wasn't only being nice to you and a friend in order to gain something from you.
And I didn't mind reassuring you over and over because I knew you were working on that part of yourself.
Yet when I needed reassurance, you ghosted me. You blocked me.
You do not REALISE how far back this has set me. You do not realise how HURT I am over this. I loved you, I cared for you and I am met with ghosting and having SEVERAL people message me and tell me we can't be friends because of this.
So I betrayed you by posting an anonymous vent on my wall, but obviously you have been telling people about what's been going on and referring to me BY NAME.
THAT it's a betrayal of trust.
I love you and care about you and only wish for your happiness.
But you lost a great and loyal friend.
Once I'm your friend I am with you through thick and thin.
I am genuine and never have ulterior motives. I would do anything for my friends. I have so much to offer.
And you threw it away.
I wish the best for you and hope you are able to move on as I will be trying to do.
Peace.
Since you have blocked me on all accounts this is all I have left.
Hopefully you'll see this. This letter is my closure and I'll try to move on the best I can after this.
.
.
.
I grew up abused. Physically and mentally. I learned from an early age to not trust others, especially those close to me (family). Is an awful lesson to learn at such a young age.
I learned to put walls up and forever be on guard. I never did it intentionally, but as a subconscious safely measure to keep myself from getting hurt.
Throughout my life I had lowered my walls at times just to have people hurt me and abandon me for things I never did whether it be rumours or someone better coming along.
Each time it was never something I did but it always left the same pain. And this isn't me avoiding taking responsibility for my actions. People truly abandoned me for things I had no part in. I've spoken with my [then] therapist about it.
Each time I was hurt I built my wall higher.
I do not seek out friends any longer.
All too often people befriend me for their own gain, such as having romantic interest or wanting stuff from me such as artwork or fursuits.
Then you came along.
You seemed to want me for me, not for what I could provide for you.
My walls came down. The walls that hadn't come down in years.
You got inside me and learned my fears, my hopes, my dreams, what I love, my past.
We grew very close.
I learned about you and learned to love you.
I learned that maybe I can tear those walls down. Something I haven't done since MIDDLE SCHOOL.
You needed space because you were catching feelings still after it had been determined we were to stay platonic for our best interests. It was the best.
It was around this time that I realised you deleted me off of your "special people" category on your profile.
You said it wasn't personal but how do you think I couldn't have taken that personal. That HURT. And you didn't tell me you did it, you just did it without any explanation. The only reason I didn't see it sooner was because I never go on here.
When you first told me that you did it I cried. I don't think you know that. That someone actually considered ME special enough to advertise it.
The messages you'd leave me telling me I was enough and that I was unique and a great person. I kept those. I listened to them when I felt down.
To know that the same person who left those wants nothing to do with me makes me physically feel sick. I feel like vomiting when I think about it.
But then I learned that you had issues with people becoming your friend, only wanting romance, and then ghosting you when you cannot reciprocate.
You didn't tell me about this and only told me after I had brought up that we don't talk anymore.
I learned too that you had acquired another partner and were now talking to the person who contributed to your poor mental health and who made you feel so completely shitty in the first place.
It's all you talked and vented about most times. That should have been my red flag. But hindsight is always 2020.
So then I told you that I didn't realise I was taken down as one of your "special people" and you brushed it off, knowing it hurt me.
That was an awful thing to do.
You claim to be going to therapy to better yourself but putting others down in the process and path to betterment is ok? I sure hope your therapist isn't teaching you that.
When I came out and in 100% honesty, told you what was wrong and specifically how you hurt me, you blocked me on ALL accounts.
You brushed me off.
You claim to be bettering yourself but you would completely shut someone out when they're pouring their heart out to you. An obvious sign that they do care, they cared TOO deeply.
I told you I was afraid of you getting back into a relationship with the person who hurt you so bad that you'd send me PARAGRAPHS about it. That you cried over them.
I was being a good and honest friend. You blocked me for that.
All in the name of "bettering yourself".
I don't dislike this person-I actually really like them, I just didn't think it was a good idea to get back into a relationship that brought out toxicity on both sides.
But you blocked me for wanting my friend to be safe.
After you blocked me I realised that when you stopped talking to me was also when you were rekindling things with this ex.
You blocked me before I could say anything.
From my side it feels like I was an emotional rebound. I was there for you when they weren't. Then when I wasn't useful anymore you stopped giving me time.
That's not what friends do.
I sincerely hope that you work on that.
That you cannot simply use someone and then ghost them when they're not of any use.
I know that wasn't your intention, but it's what happened.
The evidence speaks for itself.
You hurt me. You hurt me BAD.
Then you have the nerve to say that I betrayed your trust by venting about it on my previous journal.
That's my right. Absolutely no one knows what or who I was talking about. They still don't.
And what do you expect me to do when you shut me down and refused to try and see it from my point of view. I don't have people like you do. I don't have anyone to talk to. I cannot bottle this up. You personally know that you cannot do that.
I tore down my walls ONLY for you to ghost me. The EXACT thing you told me you were so afraid of me doing to you. I constantly had to reassure you that I wasn't only being nice to you and a friend in order to gain something from you.
And I didn't mind reassuring you over and over because I knew you were working on that part of yourself.
Yet when I needed reassurance, you ghosted me. You blocked me.
You do not REALISE how far back this has set me. You do not realise how HURT I am over this. I loved you, I cared for you and I am met with ghosting and having SEVERAL people message me and tell me we can't be friends because of this.
So I betrayed you by posting an anonymous vent on my wall, but obviously you have been telling people about what's been going on and referring to me BY NAME.
THAT it's a betrayal of trust.
I love you and care about you and only wish for your happiness.
But you lost a great and loyal friend.
Once I'm your friend I am with you through thick and thin.
I am genuine and never have ulterior motives. I would do anything for my friends. I have so much to offer.
And you threw it away.
I wish the best for you and hope you are able to move on as I will be trying to do.
Peace.
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