I hate that I've reached this point again. I don't want to seem like I'm just reaching for attention like so many others that do this kind of thing. But here I am anyway, about to scream my worthless problems out to the uncaring void that is the internet. In hopes of what? Someone taking pity on my pathetic ass? To call me out for attention seeking and to stop whining at how good I have it?

I really don't know any more. I don't seem to know what I want anymore, and I don't seem to know who I am anymore. All I know is this stupid numbing feeling is getting worse. Ive tried working my ass of making myself valuable to my job and my team during this cursed year. Only for the company to decide that my team and I are no longer needed and they are planning on laying is all off some time in the next 1-3 months. Everytime I think I'm starting to move forward with life, the more I start to realize I'm just closer to giving up.

Then I start telling myself to stop whining like a petulant brat, that others have it much worse. But now I don't seem to feel sadness, happiness, anger or any defining emotion. Just numbness. such a powerful numbness that is painful somedays. I have tried to reach out for help. And some have tried, so I leave no fault with anyone but myself. But I just feel worse for bothering others about my problems.

I feel like I'm losing the few friends that I have. I try to keep interacting with them but I can tell my current demeanor causes them to be less interested in staying around me. Then people just say make some new friends. Except I apparently forgot how to do that too, and besides why wound someone I don't know be willing to tolerate me when the ones I do know barely tolerate me as is?

If anyone reads this I'm sorry for wasting your time. There no show here, just a painful rant. I'll probably delete this later when I can feel some kind of guilt for posting something so stupid.