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"It's over."
5 years ago
General
So I had a brief relationship with a woman I pulled out of a bad situation, and her 2 children. It turned romantic and eventually I asked her dad for her hand in marriage.
He said yes. (he's a judge BTW)
She moved into my home and we lived together for... Around 7 months.
In the past, I'd had one night affairs "experimenting" with other men, but I was "saving myself" for a woman, I had several opportunities to change that, but I was careful to at least try and save that for a woman. Indeed I was the 40 year old virgin when she took it.
We made it work. She was a good woman. Traditional. Very, very intelligent. Very real. Wise. She helped me a great deal with many things in my understanding. We went camping, hiking, had fun.
And every day I truly turned myself towards God to get my trauma (there's quite a bit of it from my childhood! Everything from molestation and rape to brutal violence and attempted murder on me) sorted out so it would work with her.
I had been victimized by women as a child and carried a lot of fear and need to protect myself from very real attacks and manipulations. And, my lizard brain would tell me she was attacking me... When she wasn't. I was mean, pulling my spirit from her as if I was divorcing her, and she said it felt "horrible" when I did that. I did it several times throughout the relationship. Possibly many times. I was also drinking fairly heavily at night.
Eventually she told me I didn't want her. I told her she was damn wrong. But, I had come to realize when I truly sought God about her words, and was humble, God would show me she was right, many times.
So I asked God why, and he revealed I had considered changing my gender in high school, and I also was struggling with same-sex desires before she came into my life. Like, weeks before. I merely buried those things, however they were sapping my heart in the darkness from affections for her. Combine that with me trying to "protect myself" from nonexistent attacks from her, and eventually I forced her out of my home. I got paranoid she was going to accuse me of something, I thought she was hiding things, and things were being broken repeatedly. She did not want her children exposed to the trans thing, and I agreed. I hid the painted toenails, and smooth body as much as I could.
I told her to leave. She turned to her ex husband who was paying child support for money to leave my house. Her dad had previously disowned her and kicked her out when she tried going there. She had described her ex with not much love, and told me she wasn't attracted to him. He was (much) older. She said marrying him was an act of desperation. Because men were always trying to get with her. So she finally just gave in. She saved herself, too.
One thing she said to me before she left, she was going to have to pay him back "with her soul". I didn't know she was saying... With her body, possibly. Because he is that type, to get with a woman. I had a vision after she was gone of her leading him into the bedroom, as she did when we would be intimate. I do not know if the darkness sent the vision to torment me, or if God sent it to show me the gravity of what she was facing.
In the end I sent texts, emails, (she had blocked me soon after she left my house) tried many avenues to get a hold of her, because it took a month to see that truly, truly, I loved her. I could not see it while we were together. I could not see she was truly a good woman, and I was causing her so much pain.
My mentor told me I was inundating her, but I was tortured terribly over what she might be going through, worried if she and HER kids were okay. She finally emailed me a short email two days ago.
"Leave MY kids and I alone. (I had previously referred to her kids as "the kids" meaning partial ownership by me as I loved them as my own. She put the emphasis on MY. Like, they're not YOURS.)
Do not attempt to contact us again. (I don't know what she meant by "us" I was only trying to get a hold of HER.)
Do not send us any more money. (I had sent her a refund on car insurance and had to cancel it after she ghosted me. I also sent her money for a book on healing trauma.)
It's over. (emphasis mine)
Two people have told me maybe God will repair the family dynamic of the kids father. I don't know. I do know I had a family for a short time, and even though I couldn't feel it at the time tragically, I had the fulfillment I had always wanted. (I only see that now that she's gone)
The hardest times are yet to come as I confront what I did, my toxicity, and realize I will never get to take the kids for a hike in the mountains, watch star trek with her, or go on fun trips with them again. It is truly hard to embrace that. I mean the depths of losing all the hopes and plans we had. That it's just... Gone.
Why am I writing all this crap... To tell anyone in a relationship, please don't take them for granted. Don't learn after the fact what they truly meant to you. Get past the hurt. It might just be your trauma triggers and may not even be them at all. Be strong. Remember the loneliness you felt before you met them. The grass always seems greener away from your partner but it isn't.
A week ago I met a very attractive and absolutely delightful woman, who I talked to for hours. That interaction gave me hope that my happiness wasn't solely fulfilled in the woman I let into my home.
I am on an genuine and organic journey now to explore the darkness in my soul, the desires that religion has told me to flee, that only fester in the dark, never go away, and sabotage truly good relationships. Like Jung understood, we must embrace our darkness. In time I pray my ex fiancée has the courage to take the path I am on and gain understanding. She struggles with depression and I worry for her. I hope she finds meaning and ends up okay. I would take her back in a heartbeat, but she cannot see I am no danger to her or her kids.
I know in time when my soul is rested, has accepted what it needs to accept, thst the right person will be effortlessly introduced into my life. And I will take my wisdom I learned from the tragedy of this relationship, into that one, and treat that person with love and respect. And just worry about myself and God. Nothing else. It's going to be a journey. I hope it's not too long. I am a lonely human being. I need intimacy. But I also want to be thorough. I'm not dodging any pain or fear any more. I'm loving forward to become the person I should have been had I of been treated with dignity, love, and respect as a child.
Thanks for reading.
He said yes. (he's a judge BTW)
She moved into my home and we lived together for... Around 7 months.
In the past, I'd had one night affairs "experimenting" with other men, but I was "saving myself" for a woman, I had several opportunities to change that, but I was careful to at least try and save that for a woman. Indeed I was the 40 year old virgin when she took it.
We made it work. She was a good woman. Traditional. Very, very intelligent. Very real. Wise. She helped me a great deal with many things in my understanding. We went camping, hiking, had fun.
And every day I truly turned myself towards God to get my trauma (there's quite a bit of it from my childhood! Everything from molestation and rape to brutal violence and attempted murder on me) sorted out so it would work with her.
I had been victimized by women as a child and carried a lot of fear and need to protect myself from very real attacks and manipulations. And, my lizard brain would tell me she was attacking me... When she wasn't. I was mean, pulling my spirit from her as if I was divorcing her, and she said it felt "horrible" when I did that. I did it several times throughout the relationship. Possibly many times. I was also drinking fairly heavily at night.
Eventually she told me I didn't want her. I told her she was damn wrong. But, I had come to realize when I truly sought God about her words, and was humble, God would show me she was right, many times.
So I asked God why, and he revealed I had considered changing my gender in high school, and I also was struggling with same-sex desires before she came into my life. Like, weeks before. I merely buried those things, however they were sapping my heart in the darkness from affections for her. Combine that with me trying to "protect myself" from nonexistent attacks from her, and eventually I forced her out of my home. I got paranoid she was going to accuse me of something, I thought she was hiding things, and things were being broken repeatedly. She did not want her children exposed to the trans thing, and I agreed. I hid the painted toenails, and smooth body as much as I could.
I told her to leave. She turned to her ex husband who was paying child support for money to leave my house. Her dad had previously disowned her and kicked her out when she tried going there. She had described her ex with not much love, and told me she wasn't attracted to him. He was (much) older. She said marrying him was an act of desperation. Because men were always trying to get with her. So she finally just gave in. She saved herself, too.
One thing she said to me before she left, she was going to have to pay him back "with her soul". I didn't know she was saying... With her body, possibly. Because he is that type, to get with a woman. I had a vision after she was gone of her leading him into the bedroom, as she did when we would be intimate. I do not know if the darkness sent the vision to torment me, or if God sent it to show me the gravity of what she was facing.
In the end I sent texts, emails, (she had blocked me soon after she left my house) tried many avenues to get a hold of her, because it took a month to see that truly, truly, I loved her. I could not see it while we were together. I could not see she was truly a good woman, and I was causing her so much pain.
My mentor told me I was inundating her, but I was tortured terribly over what she might be going through, worried if she and HER kids were okay. She finally emailed me a short email two days ago.
"Leave MY kids and I alone. (I had previously referred to her kids as "the kids" meaning partial ownership by me as I loved them as my own. She put the emphasis on MY. Like, they're not YOURS.)
Do not attempt to contact us again. (I don't know what she meant by "us" I was only trying to get a hold of HER.)
Do not send us any more money. (I had sent her a refund on car insurance and had to cancel it after she ghosted me. I also sent her money for a book on healing trauma.)
It's over. (emphasis mine)
Two people have told me maybe God will repair the family dynamic of the kids father. I don't know. I do know I had a family for a short time, and even though I couldn't feel it at the time tragically, I had the fulfillment I had always wanted. (I only see that now that she's gone)
The hardest times are yet to come as I confront what I did, my toxicity, and realize I will never get to take the kids for a hike in the mountains, watch star trek with her, or go on fun trips with them again. It is truly hard to embrace that. I mean the depths of losing all the hopes and plans we had. That it's just... Gone.
Why am I writing all this crap... To tell anyone in a relationship, please don't take them for granted. Don't learn after the fact what they truly meant to you. Get past the hurt. It might just be your trauma triggers and may not even be them at all. Be strong. Remember the loneliness you felt before you met them. The grass always seems greener away from your partner but it isn't.
A week ago I met a very attractive and absolutely delightful woman, who I talked to for hours. That interaction gave me hope that my happiness wasn't solely fulfilled in the woman I let into my home.
I am on an genuine and organic journey now to explore the darkness in my soul, the desires that religion has told me to flee, that only fester in the dark, never go away, and sabotage truly good relationships. Like Jung understood, we must embrace our darkness. In time I pray my ex fiancée has the courage to take the path I am on and gain understanding. She struggles with depression and I worry for her. I hope she finds meaning and ends up okay. I would take her back in a heartbeat, but she cannot see I am no danger to her or her kids.
I know in time when my soul is rested, has accepted what it needs to accept, thst the right person will be effortlessly introduced into my life. And I will take my wisdom I learned from the tragedy of this relationship, into that one, and treat that person with love and respect. And just worry about myself and God. Nothing else. It's going to be a journey. I hope it's not too long. I am a lonely human being. I need intimacy. But I also want to be thorough. I'm not dodging any pain or fear any more. I'm loving forward to become the person I should have been had I of been treated with dignity, love, and respect as a child.
Thanks for reading.
- Xi Yao
- Xi Yao
It's good you are admitting that it's over so you can move on. I'd rather be alone, lately myself
I am finding I am having to let her go "more" every day and in many aspects as they float up into my head, heart, and soul. As I type this I'm letting her go more. Each time a voice says "have hope!" I push it out of my head and try to completely let it go as if I will never see her or the kids again.
There is a growing part of me that is Thankful for my freedom to explore my female side, freedom to do and go as I please, to pursue relationships with both men and women. Truly this relationship had to end for me to see what I now see, to mature and grow as a man, a child of God, and explore my gender identity or lack thereof.
Truly it was the best thing for it to end. If you feel strongly you'd rather be alone I would definitely consider how badly you'll miss her, because you will, but if you're okay with that, and it might be worse than you think, then I would say your freedom is precious, precious, precious. But be aware it's going to hurt, probably terribly even if you think it won't. There's something about a female presence that helps a man.