Today was my birthday. I wanted to do something special, so me and some family went to a Bowling Alley, then a nice restaurant with delicious garlic cheese bread.

However, while this should have been a nice happy day, it kind of wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, my family was very supportive, as well as friends on Discord. However, it was more because of my own mental issues.

Honestly, I really didn’t feel like going anywhere today. I just wanted to chill at home. I felt like I do that too often though, and pretty much forced myself to go, putting on a nice happy face. While I do like going out for fun activities like bowling, it wasn’t as fun this time.

This reminded me of how I put on a happy face whenever I’m in a normal public environment filled with other people. There are times when running an errand, I won’t know what to do and just awkwardly wait there until I man up enough to find someone to help me, feeling like an idiot the whole time. There are times I just want to fall into a fetal position and cry, but instead, I just put on that happy face.

Another thing happened at the bowling alley that was really annoying. I did very poorly with the game. I used to be really good at it, but it’s been a while and I couldn’t aim the ball straight. My family members applauded me even when I got a minuscule score, such as one pin. I know they were trying to be supportive, but this made me feel like a freaking 5 year old who was a bad sport. I am a good sport, I don’t mind losing games, so it kind of felt insulting.

Do these problems have something to do with my autism? I don’t know. It just makes me feel more and more pathetic. It makes me wish I had more of a normal life. Then again, I wouldn’t have met my best friends...