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Journal to clear my mind or something...
5 years ago
I will now tell a lot of things, my being there as an artist, or just something about me. I've already written a huge text like my life as an artist was before, so I'll skip that.
I as a person am little socially acceptable, I often question other opinions of my fellow men. Humor I usually differently than many expect from me, and if someone tries to do funny who does not know me, then I also usually have a problem with it. I like to separate myself in an environment I don't want to be in, then again in an environment I want to be in I don't get in, so also here. Do not get me wrong, many of you I also like but I am also quite peculiar.
I feel thrown off track every day because a little thing is enough for that. I am the kind of person who prefers to do things alone. I like to play video games, I like to draw and I like to drive cars (in real life and virtual). But I don't want to be 100% sure what I want to do, so I try a little bit. I like car racing games the most, followed closely by drawing. I would like to go more in the two directions if there is not the problem of time.
I know I have room to improve in drawing, I know so many artists that I want to surpass one day. Driving or simulated racing though also but I was in the top 20-50% in F1 2019 (depends on the track). Also in The Crew 2 (which is online) I was able to beat many drivers with skill alone, and even in a large event of 50,000 players I was among the top 6,000 (there were also more in it, but in The Crew 2 it's more about upgrades and points, which I was missing in an event. With these it would have been even the top 3000).
But for me it's about my fun, I have fun playing when I'm not permanently thrown off my game, or when I don't have to do any science to notice a certain progress. That's why I hate Dark Souls, I've never played one of those and it doesn't feel good. Celeste doesn't feel good either, the game gives me the feeling that everything is placed to punish every mistake. The evil Madeline boss was too long, the levels are all too hard for me, I didn't care about the strawberries, etc. I sacrificed my weekend for the game, and in the end it wasn't worth it.
Back to the drawing.
I want to learn it, but most of the time I don't have any ideas, or my sketches are terrible. Often I'm just scared... afraid that someone will make fun of my art (not that there isn't a reason). Then I also don't want to be labeled as "he's just like everyone else", in short I don't want to be underestimated, at the same time my nature prevents me from making more of myself. Maybe I have to think crosswise, but in the end it's pointless. Not that anything would change now. Why should it? Nevertheless, the last sounds like a problem that can not be solved, and that for years.
Besides, I just feel guilty about many things. DA, where everyone follows everyone else and you don't have a real fanbase that likes your art, which I haven't done since Twitter. Plus I've often been mean to other people who take their actions for granted, expecting me to do the same. I've broken off entire contacts there because I just didn't feel like the way I was treated there, and in some cases others. One of the biggest things I witnessed was the theft and alienation of my image that I made for someone else. And in retrospect I feel bad about the way I approached him, even though it was nothing and he did it for that person too.
I want to have a conversation with the big ones one day. Artists that I've been a fan of for a long time, or that I want to learn something from.
RilexLenov, Rainbowscreen, KenjiKanzaki05 or LittleHope (on Twitter these days), Thomas Fischbach and possibly many more. And I feel sorry for those artists I can't support because I don't have or can't use the means like Patreon.
In the end, none of this matters. And those artists will never read this. I just wanted to get it off my chest, hopefully you can understand what I mean.
I hope you are doing well so far, even with your hobby. I wish you another beautiful day. And thanks for reading
I as a person am little socially acceptable, I often question other opinions of my fellow men. Humor I usually differently than many expect from me, and if someone tries to do funny who does not know me, then I also usually have a problem with it. I like to separate myself in an environment I don't want to be in, then again in an environment I want to be in I don't get in, so also here. Do not get me wrong, many of you I also like but I am also quite peculiar.
I feel thrown off track every day because a little thing is enough for that. I am the kind of person who prefers to do things alone. I like to play video games, I like to draw and I like to drive cars (in real life and virtual). But I don't want to be 100% sure what I want to do, so I try a little bit. I like car racing games the most, followed closely by drawing. I would like to go more in the two directions if there is not the problem of time.
I know I have room to improve in drawing, I know so many artists that I want to surpass one day. Driving or simulated racing though also but I was in the top 20-50% in F1 2019 (depends on the track). Also in The Crew 2 (which is online) I was able to beat many drivers with skill alone, and even in a large event of 50,000 players I was among the top 6,000 (there were also more in it, but in The Crew 2 it's more about upgrades and points, which I was missing in an event. With these it would have been even the top 3000).
But for me it's about my fun, I have fun playing when I'm not permanently thrown off my game, or when I don't have to do any science to notice a certain progress. That's why I hate Dark Souls, I've never played one of those and it doesn't feel good. Celeste doesn't feel good either, the game gives me the feeling that everything is placed to punish every mistake. The evil Madeline boss was too long, the levels are all too hard for me, I didn't care about the strawberries, etc. I sacrificed my weekend for the game, and in the end it wasn't worth it.
Back to the drawing.
I want to learn it, but most of the time I don't have any ideas, or my sketches are terrible. Often I'm just scared... afraid that someone will make fun of my art (not that there isn't a reason). Then I also don't want to be labeled as "he's just like everyone else", in short I don't want to be underestimated, at the same time my nature prevents me from making more of myself. Maybe I have to think crosswise, but in the end it's pointless. Not that anything would change now. Why should it? Nevertheless, the last sounds like a problem that can not be solved, and that for years.
Besides, I just feel guilty about many things. DA, where everyone follows everyone else and you don't have a real fanbase that likes your art, which I haven't done since Twitter. Plus I've often been mean to other people who take their actions for granted, expecting me to do the same. I've broken off entire contacts there because I just didn't feel like the way I was treated there, and in some cases others. One of the biggest things I witnessed was the theft and alienation of my image that I made for someone else. And in retrospect I feel bad about the way I approached him, even though it was nothing and he did it for that person too.
I want to have a conversation with the big ones one day. Artists that I've been a fan of for a long time, or that I want to learn something from.
RilexLenov, Rainbowscreen, KenjiKanzaki05 or LittleHope (on Twitter these days), Thomas Fischbach and possibly many more. And I feel sorry for those artists I can't support because I don't have or can't use the means like Patreon.
In the end, none of this matters. And those artists will never read this. I just wanted to get it off my chest, hopefully you can understand what I mean.
I hope you are doing well so far, even with your hobby. I wish you another beautiful day. And thanks for reading
I hate bullying, and I want to be neutral as possible (at least as long as it remains fair)