I feel like I did a journal like this a few years ago, but I'm still having these ugly feelings and I don't know what to do about them. Things never use to be this way, but over the years, more and more people I use to know just seem to stop talking to me without ever giving me any reason why. I feel like perhaps I've been the victim of some kind of bad publicity without ever having been given the chance to give my side of the story, if I even had a side in anything that's happened. All I know is that there are at least a few individuals now, whom I cherished very much, who for whatever reason, just simply won't talk to me back. I can see that they are active, and it's not like I'm pestering them. When we were still actively talking, at one point or another, a couple weeks would go back, I'd message them with no response, couple more weeks, again no response, couple months, still no response, couple more months, still nothing, and then messaging or nothing them a maybe 3 or 4 more times over the years, asking if we could reconnect, and still, nothing.

I just... I don't understand, maybe they didn't feel the same? Maybe they just moved on to new friends? Or maybe I did something really wrong and simply never got told? I don't know what or how though, and I thought, most if not all of these people would be adult enough to talk to me if there was a problem or other. All I know is I find myself looking back on some of the fun conversations and things we've done, seeing them still active, and feeling absolutely miserable and longing to be a part of their life.

Perhaps I didn't pester enough even, I have been guilty of not talking enough to some folks simply because I don't always have that much of interesting things to say outside of work, art ideas, and a little bit of gaming. I worried that maybe, they had just found better or more interesting friends, not wanting to hurt my feelings, not realizing that saying absolutely nothing at all as left me in a nightmare of misery and wondering as to why all these years later. I don't know how not to care. It hurts a lot, but I'm also not one to compete either. It's one of the many reasons I haven't been doing more here art wise, because a lot of times I feel like I'm competing for my spot in a chance to get something, and I simply don't like that.

I don't really use Twitter anymore for those reasons because Twitter actually made me feel all these things above at a much more accelerated rate. I felt more lonely and at odds with others using it than not, but I honestly don't feel much better IRL. People I meet IRL seem to think I'm cute and fun and likable, or so I thought, but they're never the ones to call, I never use to be this poor of self esteem, I use to just try and do for myself and anyone cool who came along was just part of the joy, but after years of this, coming and going, it's just become harder and harder because the fear of abandonment and/or need to struggle for someone with no guarantee that anything would ever come of it has become too real, but I can't keep siting here watching the world go by. I don't what I have to do to get together with others again. All I know is the last several people I've attempted to reach out to, maybe only one of them actually got back to me.

Any I'm not saying that I'm completely alone, I have meet a couple more really good people, and a couple have responded, it's just a vast majority don't, like 90% of the attempts seem to fail and I end up sitting here by my lonesome, daydreaming, hoping, night after night. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. I don't know if I should keep trying or not, but then what else would there be? I'm so low on spirits and I don't know how to muster myself anymore. If by chance you are someone I use to talk to and haven't said anything in a long while, or actually happen to be upset at me. Talk to me, please just talk to me. I really don't know. I'd feel better if I at least know if that's the case and if possible, what's going on in your lives. I still thinking about most everyone I've ever come into contact with, I look through my own gallery almost weekly and reflect on all these wonderful people that were in my life. I just wish a lot of them were still there for me. Very few ever upset me, but I'm feeling like I somehow upset all of them without ever knowing, or maybe this is just how most online friendships swing, but I thought at the very least they would always still be there to chat. This silent treatment really really sucks...