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Learning to Let Go When Something Won't Let You
4 years ago
I'm in some kind of bittersweet sentimental mood and just need to get something off of my chest.
There is something I have been wrestling with for a long time now, and it has been at a fever pitch for a while now. In fact, maybe the strongest it has been ever in my life.
It's the struggle of learning how to let go & move on. Now, so I am not being so vague about, I'm not talking about people or companions who have passed on and are no longer with us here. I am talking about the strong connections that you had, or you thought you had, with others who are still here... but in a way, it's like you don't even exist or hold any interest to them anymore... but you still do. You wonder what changed, what severed the connection to where it was only one way. You even wonder if perhaps it was one-sided the whole time & you were diluting yourself that there was some strong connection there. But you know what you remember feeling with them, and you can still feel it... and you hurt because you know it is no longer reciprocated, because you have tried to re-connect but there's just nothing there. They never even ask you how you are doing in return, or really wish you a good day, nor do they even seem all that happy or interested in talking to you.
So you give up on trying & do your best to sever ties by deleting all methods of contact that you can think of. But you still remember, even when you just do your best to look forward and just ignore it. It feels like a dead dream that was very beautiful, and you can still see that beauty, but you know that all it does is make you hurt because it reminds you of something lost despite you never felt like you took it for granted. And you know that all it is going to do is bring you pain & hold you back... give ammo to the unhealthy parts of your mind. But you can't escape it. You even acknowledge that those connections did mean something once & were good at that time, but recognize the unhealthiness that now comes from it. But it still keeps coming back to you, like it doesn't want you to move on. No matter how much time has passed, it just remains ever present, wanting to hold on to you even if you want to be done with it. It's like it is addicted to you.
At that point, what do you do with that?
Because, realistically, you know you'll never get the closure or resolution you want, and you can tell that confronting those who you shared that connection with is just going to irritate them and basically make them see you as nothing but a whiny loser, which is just going to twist that dagger in even further. So, you're just left in an awkward state with this dead vibrant connection that is now unhealthy for you but it refuses to let you de-root it from yourself, or just let it live on in memory.
It's just really frustrating, particularly when you are working on not just maintaining your mental health but also improving it... and you just have these toxic inklings hanging around that refuse to go away.
Anyway, sorry for the sudden boo-hoo self-pity introspective shit. I just needed to write it out & talk about it. Here's hoping that maybe that will help with the process of moving on & letting go when something in me won't let it happen.
===========
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=and0I1AmnaY
There is something I have been wrestling with for a long time now, and it has been at a fever pitch for a while now. In fact, maybe the strongest it has been ever in my life.
It's the struggle of learning how to let go & move on. Now, so I am not being so vague about, I'm not talking about people or companions who have passed on and are no longer with us here. I am talking about the strong connections that you had, or you thought you had, with others who are still here... but in a way, it's like you don't even exist or hold any interest to them anymore... but you still do. You wonder what changed, what severed the connection to where it was only one way. You even wonder if perhaps it was one-sided the whole time & you were diluting yourself that there was some strong connection there. But you know what you remember feeling with them, and you can still feel it... and you hurt because you know it is no longer reciprocated, because you have tried to re-connect but there's just nothing there. They never even ask you how you are doing in return, or really wish you a good day, nor do they even seem all that happy or interested in talking to you.
So you give up on trying & do your best to sever ties by deleting all methods of contact that you can think of. But you still remember, even when you just do your best to look forward and just ignore it. It feels like a dead dream that was very beautiful, and you can still see that beauty, but you know that all it does is make you hurt because it reminds you of something lost despite you never felt like you took it for granted. And you know that all it is going to do is bring you pain & hold you back... give ammo to the unhealthy parts of your mind. But you can't escape it. You even acknowledge that those connections did mean something once & were good at that time, but recognize the unhealthiness that now comes from it. But it still keeps coming back to you, like it doesn't want you to move on. No matter how much time has passed, it just remains ever present, wanting to hold on to you even if you want to be done with it. It's like it is addicted to you.
At that point, what do you do with that?
Because, realistically, you know you'll never get the closure or resolution you want, and you can tell that confronting those who you shared that connection with is just going to irritate them and basically make them see you as nothing but a whiny loser, which is just going to twist that dagger in even further. So, you're just left in an awkward state with this dead vibrant connection that is now unhealthy for you but it refuses to let you de-root it from yourself, or just let it live on in memory.
It's just really frustrating, particularly when you are working on not just maintaining your mental health but also improving it... and you just have these toxic inklings hanging around that refuse to go away.
Anyway, sorry for the sudden boo-hoo self-pity introspective shit. I just needed to write it out & talk about it. Here's hoping that maybe that will help with the process of moving on & letting go when something in me won't let it happen.
===========
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=and0I1AmnaY
If anything, it's good to learn from those connections for the future and treat them as such. You know what you don't want to see in friendships so you can think about that as building blocks for the future in relationships with others.