So commissions are trucking along, albeit slowly. Reason being is mainly because I'm doing an outfit sheet and while the outfits aren't complicated, I have to constantly communicate with the owner, so that bogs things down a tick. Plus I'm also trying to plow through a few things in Temtem before the week ends. But I'm going to start on some sketches this week to kick off others to speed up a little. I'd been a little distracted and depressed thanks to some things going on.

I had to leave work early last week due to an old work related injury. It acts up a lot, and this time I went to an Express Clinic to get looked at. They couldn't really do much for me but I was given an ace bandage to wear for bad days. I was given a doctor's note to take the next day off. Well, I got points for the missed day. But, HR told me I wasn't allowed to work because I had the note. I would have come in if I were allowed to because these points means I'm fired. So we went back and forth for a while. We tried for a form to retroactively cancel some of my points because I'm mentally ill, but because I don't work enough hours, I didn't qualify. Even though I don't work these hours because I'm mentally ill. There's a few more options it sounded like, but we're waiting for the head HR office to figure out the next steps. I hope they're viable because if not... Well, I'm out of a job.

And to be honest, I don't know how I should feel. Should I be confident that I can keep my job? Should I be pounding the pavement and just give up? I don't know. I want to stay here because I can't really find anything better, so it's be basically the same line of work for less money since I have raises...

Flickie says I shouldn't panic. Not yet. I'm still being scheduled. Just go to all my shifts on time and stay there. No matter how much it hurts. Which yeah, I'm too scared not to. I just assumed because this was related to my work injury, they'd cut me some slack.

My ssi case is still in limbo, so it's a hard call if that will come through for me. If it did, I wouldn't be so high strung about losing my job. I mean yes, I'd want to keep it still, but I'd still have enough money to live on. But Flickie doesn't make enough on his own to keep the apartment. He needs the extra I bring home to stay afloat. I don't work much, but it helps.

If commissions were more reliable this wouldn't be so scary, but I'm not that well known, lol. I also don't stick to a niche, and frankly the niche I picked I fear would kinda piss off my friends- - vore. I could make an alt account for it, which I've considered. If y'all are cool with seeing it more often then I won't, but I will if it bothers you.

Mental illnesses suck man. I wish I could just be normal enough and handle a fucking job. I see my coworkers just doing their jobs, having fun with each other, making the best of it. And then there's me. Stuck. Feeling like I'm going to be there forever. Even though I work 4 to 5 hours a day for 4 days a week. So anxious by it I'm crying. Nothing happens. I'm just in tears because I need to go home. I'm doped up on gabapentin. I vape medical marijuana when I can (never before work) to cope with my issues. But nothing seems to really help.

And in these bitter moments, my brain gets belligerent on me and I feel suicidal. I make attempts at times, but I'm still here so obviously I'm too afraid to go through with it. But it is an act of belligerence. I don't know what else to do to stop the pain. Between bipolar rage, ptsd anxiety and adhd understanding of time... I'm just so tired of existing.

Oh, the bipolar thing. I get so angry and mundane shit. I overshare. Overspend. I get aggressive. I'm kinda manic now.