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This is a vent
4 years ago
So... Errant Signal's latest video is basically him just talking about his experience during 2020, 2021, and a lot of it really resonated with me because I, too, am not really struggling with the state of the world but am also deeply struggling with the state of the world? And part of his conclusion with it is a sort of "I need to learn to admit that as much as I'm not suffering, I'm not okay either". ... Which is the point that I've been slowly approaching.
Lately I've been struggling with a sense of profound loneliness. Not profound in that I'm lonely, or even how lonely I am necessarily, but how it profoundly shapes my every waking moment. I can't talk to people, I can't see people, I can't interact with people... and while I could survive this a few months ago with regular hits of dopamine and seratonin from realizing how liberated I am from a toxic relaitonship, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that the ice is wearing thin. And it's not just social distancing and covid and the pandemic- these were emotions I already regularly felt. I can't talk to people because I'm awkward, distracted, and have wild mood swings that leave me feeling like I shouldn't talk to people lest I hurt them. I can't see people because I live ten miles outside the closest town, where only one of my friends lives, and I can't drive. I can't interact with people because I'm on satellite internet, so even if there were games me and my friends shared interest in, we couldn't play these games together. And while I recognize that there's hyperbole here, obviously at some point I've talked to people, and seen them, and hung out with them, otherwise I wouldn't have "friends", but the pandemic makes this worse.
I'm not alone just because my life sucks, now I'm alone because everyone elses' lives suck. And they have actual struggles. They don't get to work from home, they don't get to live with their parents, they don't get to see certain friends and family members again because a disease took those people from them. They don't get to pretend that there'll be a day where normal looks like it did in 2019. But comparing my pain to theirs isn't a practical use of my time. It doesn't teach me more about how I'm feeling, it doesn't provide insight into what I can do to resolve my own pain, it just makes me bottle it up. My pain doesn't compare, so it isn't worth sharing, and if it isn't worth sharing, than it must not be important. It couldn't possibly be having any greater affect on me.
When I was a sophomore in high school I struggled with depression, and while I was lucky enough that it didn't completely kill my will to live, that I still had the energy to do things, and that I still had things that I wanted to do, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it was one of the hardest years of my life. I had suicidal thoughts that year, I felt completely alienated from everyone I knew, and I constantly felt like it was never going to get better. Every night I would spend so many hours in a state of malaise and melancholy because I was completely aware that everyone I called a 'friend', didn't treat or respect me in any meaningful capacity. The only thing that began to save me from that was when I started writing and posting stories to SoFurry, and even then it was just because I got the only positive feedback that I was getting at that time. The only approval from anyone that I had any worth as an individual, and it was from people I never knew, and still don't know, and honestly never will.
But that's how this year has made me feel again. Like nothing I do is of any actual value to anyone I know, and like I don't actually have friends who care about me beyond a trite sense of responsibility for somebody who's mentioned that they "have suicidal thoughts sometimes" a few times too many for comfort. It's made worse knowing how many people stopped talking to me because I couldn't hang out with them immediately. How many people stopped talking to me because they couldn't hook up within a week. How many people stopped talking to me because they no longer needed me as an emotional support animal. How many people stopped talking to me because I provide zero enrichment to anyone's life, including my own. All the people who drift away, not for any reason that I can name, but all in similar enough ways that I can't help but feel like I'm doing one thing in particular that's wrong. The distance between me and so many people has grown too great. Not too wide to build a bridge across, but doing so would require mutual effort. Not too deep for me to wade through the water, but doing so would run the risk of being stranded in a place where I'm not wanted and not welcome.
On some level I don't think I have many, if any, friends left. I certainly don't have people who want to do things with me, and certainly don't have people who enjoy my company. But I don't know how to go find people who do. I don't even know if I have it in me to try again...
Lately I've been struggling with a sense of profound loneliness. Not profound in that I'm lonely, or even how lonely I am necessarily, but how it profoundly shapes my every waking moment. I can't talk to people, I can't see people, I can't interact with people... and while I could survive this a few months ago with regular hits of dopamine and seratonin from realizing how liberated I am from a toxic relaitonship, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that the ice is wearing thin. And it's not just social distancing and covid and the pandemic- these were emotions I already regularly felt. I can't talk to people because I'm awkward, distracted, and have wild mood swings that leave me feeling like I shouldn't talk to people lest I hurt them. I can't see people because I live ten miles outside the closest town, where only one of my friends lives, and I can't drive. I can't interact with people because I'm on satellite internet, so even if there were games me and my friends shared interest in, we couldn't play these games together. And while I recognize that there's hyperbole here, obviously at some point I've talked to people, and seen them, and hung out with them, otherwise I wouldn't have "friends", but the pandemic makes this worse.
I'm not alone just because my life sucks, now I'm alone because everyone elses' lives suck. And they have actual struggles. They don't get to work from home, they don't get to live with their parents, they don't get to see certain friends and family members again because a disease took those people from them. They don't get to pretend that there'll be a day where normal looks like it did in 2019. But comparing my pain to theirs isn't a practical use of my time. It doesn't teach me more about how I'm feeling, it doesn't provide insight into what I can do to resolve my own pain, it just makes me bottle it up. My pain doesn't compare, so it isn't worth sharing, and if it isn't worth sharing, than it must not be important. It couldn't possibly be having any greater affect on me.
When I was a sophomore in high school I struggled with depression, and while I was lucky enough that it didn't completely kill my will to live, that I still had the energy to do things, and that I still had things that I wanted to do, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it was one of the hardest years of my life. I had suicidal thoughts that year, I felt completely alienated from everyone I knew, and I constantly felt like it was never going to get better. Every night I would spend so many hours in a state of malaise and melancholy because I was completely aware that everyone I called a 'friend', didn't treat or respect me in any meaningful capacity. The only thing that began to save me from that was when I started writing and posting stories to SoFurry, and even then it was just because I got the only positive feedback that I was getting at that time. The only approval from anyone that I had any worth as an individual, and it was from people I never knew, and still don't know, and honestly never will.
But that's how this year has made me feel again. Like nothing I do is of any actual value to anyone I know, and like I don't actually have friends who care about me beyond a trite sense of responsibility for somebody who's mentioned that they "have suicidal thoughts sometimes" a few times too many for comfort. It's made worse knowing how many people stopped talking to me because I couldn't hang out with them immediately. How many people stopped talking to me because they couldn't hook up within a week. How many people stopped talking to me because they no longer needed me as an emotional support animal. How many people stopped talking to me because I provide zero enrichment to anyone's life, including my own. All the people who drift away, not for any reason that I can name, but all in similar enough ways that I can't help but feel like I'm doing one thing in particular that's wrong. The distance between me and so many people has grown too great. Not too wide to build a bridge across, but doing so would require mutual effort. Not too deep for me to wade through the water, but doing so would run the risk of being stranded in a place where I'm not wanted and not welcome.
On some level I don't think I have many, if any, friends left. I certainly don't have people who want to do things with me, and certainly don't have people who enjoy my company. But I don't know how to go find people who do. I don't even know if I have it in me to try again...
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