FA+
Shop
Rough and different
4 years ago
General
It'll be rough, but I'll get there.
Tryin to figure out an irl aesthetic. I'm feeling better an wanting to look more unique. I used to love some fashion, wore a lotta suits and ties with bows and gaiters an fancy dress shoes, etc. I got too tired and in pain for that. But maybe I can return to it a lil. I was thinking "kindly but spooky goth king" might be a nice ideal. Even if I only get one or two things that are slightly in that direction, I think I'd enjoy it. Looking at men's crop tops and beard beads. Wonderin if I can alter a garment I currently have, to make it more stylish or weird. Like giving a hoodie some "floating sleeves," which basically means having a slit cut out at the elbow. But if I'm gonna cut a heavy thing, I think I should crop it at the bottom or cut it up at the bottom or something, since my stomach area is where I get way overheated, and my arms actually stay too cold.
I don't wanna be where I am right now. I told myself, about a week ago, maybe Friday night, that things are gonna be different. And for the most part, they have been. I feel different. I have some energy, a little bit, on a number of days. Both mental and physical. I'm thinking more about hygiene, too. I'm wondering if I can start keeping up with it better. I love how soft my hair is when it's properly washed, straight and silky. I've found that brushing my teeth at night before I sleep is integral to having energy the next day, funny enough. It can be so hard because tooth brushing in itself is a highly energy-draining and painful experience to my whole body, but it's worth it if I can squeeze out enough energy to do it. I can't always. Sometimes I have to pretend I'm a lil kid who doesn't know how to brush their teeth right and just, do a quick awful job of it, which is better than nothing. Sometimes I can't muster that and just have to sleep.
I've lost over 20 lbs since the end of January. I keep slowly but surely losing more. I attribute it to stopping T, but a medication may be having an effect too. I'm so glad I stopped T. It was making my flare-ups literally constant. Things aren't great still, but they're defs better than they were. If I had roughly a half hour of usable time per day before I stopped T, I've got about an hour of usable time now. It's still a tiny amount compared to what most folks have. But it's a sizable improvement for me. It gives me the option to actually get exercise and slightly possibly keep improving my health. On T, I couldn't really exercise. I tried. I failed and failed and failed and failed and failed. I think it was forcing me to have a whole bunch of useless muscle mass. Like little weights were strapped to every part of my body, and they secreted an enzyme that caused pain and exhaustion whenever I tried to use my muscles.
I wanna look good. I wanna... I wanna dance. You know what's really captured my eye? Pole dancing. I cannot stop thinking about it. I want to pole dance. I love dancing. I don't have much energy, but I love dancing, even if just a little. I'm trying to build up my muscles because some day, some day, I want to pole dance. It looks ridiculously fun. I remember climbing a pole holding up the roof at my parents' house when I was a kid, and and my mom told me to stop it. I was having so much fun. I didn't understand why she wanted me to stop. Now I know.
I'm starting to think, in my head, I'm a lil bit of a party boy... if party boys didn't drink and weren't serious abt sex. I want to party with peeps but inebriation is something that's really undesirable to me. And I wanna dance super sexily and be a tease, but I'm not interested in actually getting with someone. I think that's one thing abt pole dancing I like too; you can do it sexily but you're not like, directly with or involved with someone. It's a performance and not a personal invitation.
Anyway, I'm sick and tired of being at home all day. I want to get out. I want to dance. And eat good food. And laugh and talk to people even if I'm awkward. And meet strange folks. I just, I'm so, so, so bored at home. This place is tiny and bland. I may be tiny too, but I don't wanna be bland. At the same time I will admit I have some anxiety abt the idea of dressing in a unique way; the people here aren't very openly imaginative and may not be accepting of anyone who looks out-of-the-ordinary. This is a place where most folks keep their heads down. Only the younger folks seem to foster creativity in what they wear. Mostly only the younger folks, I guess. There have been some adults with interesting fashions but I try not to look too hard at them in case they think I'm judging them or bein a creeper.
Siiigh. What can I do to change things? How can I make it different? Everything is going to be different.
Everything is going to be different.
Tryin to figure out an irl aesthetic. I'm feeling better an wanting to look more unique. I used to love some fashion, wore a lotta suits and ties with bows and gaiters an fancy dress shoes, etc. I got too tired and in pain for that. But maybe I can return to it a lil. I was thinking "kindly but spooky goth king" might be a nice ideal. Even if I only get one or two things that are slightly in that direction, I think I'd enjoy it. Looking at men's crop tops and beard beads. Wonderin if I can alter a garment I currently have, to make it more stylish or weird. Like giving a hoodie some "floating sleeves," which basically means having a slit cut out at the elbow. But if I'm gonna cut a heavy thing, I think I should crop it at the bottom or cut it up at the bottom or something, since my stomach area is where I get way overheated, and my arms actually stay too cold.
I don't wanna be where I am right now. I told myself, about a week ago, maybe Friday night, that things are gonna be different. And for the most part, they have been. I feel different. I have some energy, a little bit, on a number of days. Both mental and physical. I'm thinking more about hygiene, too. I'm wondering if I can start keeping up with it better. I love how soft my hair is when it's properly washed, straight and silky. I've found that brushing my teeth at night before I sleep is integral to having energy the next day, funny enough. It can be so hard because tooth brushing in itself is a highly energy-draining and painful experience to my whole body, but it's worth it if I can squeeze out enough energy to do it. I can't always. Sometimes I have to pretend I'm a lil kid who doesn't know how to brush their teeth right and just, do a quick awful job of it, which is better than nothing. Sometimes I can't muster that and just have to sleep.
I've lost over 20 lbs since the end of January. I keep slowly but surely losing more. I attribute it to stopping T, but a medication may be having an effect too. I'm so glad I stopped T. It was making my flare-ups literally constant. Things aren't great still, but they're defs better than they were. If I had roughly a half hour of usable time per day before I stopped T, I've got about an hour of usable time now. It's still a tiny amount compared to what most folks have. But it's a sizable improvement for me. It gives me the option to actually get exercise and slightly possibly keep improving my health. On T, I couldn't really exercise. I tried. I failed and failed and failed and failed and failed. I think it was forcing me to have a whole bunch of useless muscle mass. Like little weights were strapped to every part of my body, and they secreted an enzyme that caused pain and exhaustion whenever I tried to use my muscles.
I wanna look good. I wanna... I wanna dance. You know what's really captured my eye? Pole dancing. I cannot stop thinking about it. I want to pole dance. I love dancing. I don't have much energy, but I love dancing, even if just a little. I'm trying to build up my muscles because some day, some day, I want to pole dance. It looks ridiculously fun. I remember climbing a pole holding up the roof at my parents' house when I was a kid, and and my mom told me to stop it. I was having so much fun. I didn't understand why she wanted me to stop. Now I know.
I'm starting to think, in my head, I'm a lil bit of a party boy... if party boys didn't drink and weren't serious abt sex. I want to party with peeps but inebriation is something that's really undesirable to me. And I wanna dance super sexily and be a tease, but I'm not interested in actually getting with someone. I think that's one thing abt pole dancing I like too; you can do it sexily but you're not like, directly with or involved with someone. It's a performance and not a personal invitation.
Anyway, I'm sick and tired of being at home all day. I want to get out. I want to dance. And eat good food. And laugh and talk to people even if I'm awkward. And meet strange folks. I just, I'm so, so, so bored at home. This place is tiny and bland. I may be tiny too, but I don't wanna be bland. At the same time I will admit I have some anxiety abt the idea of dressing in a unique way; the people here aren't very openly imaginative and may not be accepting of anyone who looks out-of-the-ordinary. This is a place where most folks keep their heads down. Only the younger folks seem to foster creativity in what they wear. Mostly only the younger folks, I guess. There have been some adults with interesting fashions but I try not to look too hard at them in case they think I'm judging them or bein a creeper.
Siiigh. What can I do to change things? How can I make it different? Everything is going to be different.
Everything is going to be different.
