Life update!... things arent better that they were before, i feel surrounded of problems, 90% of them are away of my reach to solve them, but they affect me, my living and my health... and mental health... *sighs*.... lets start..

Dominican Republic, dreamed job... feels like... is like... im a cat, hungry, starving, bleeding, and my owner have this delicious water, food, medicine, so comfy bed and all, but... my owner things i deserve suffer so he lock away all those things, and i sit there, dying slowly, waiting he give me what i have no resources to get... thats DR job r now... a tease.. for someone starving in the last months thinsg got bad to worse and so on, for who hasnt read about my last hournals DR would had been the american dream, a escape from mysery for a better life, i live in venezuela, where corruption is hard, where food is too expensive to buy, or the transport, we cant even pay it cus we have issues getting physical money, MORE now that we are using dollars!!!, were not using our own national money but dollars!!!, we cant have change for the bus or for food cus there is no smaller dollar that the standard 1$ so we still needour national currency but the mashup of both is exhausting, even if you cant get dollars there is places that doesnt let you buy!!! and thinsg are just worse witht he pandemic... familiars mine faded away, shocking themselves thil they died by lack of oxygen, my uncle almost join them... and a person that is key for us to have a live in DR

"why dont you just work to get the money?"
if you ask this here you would be slapped on your face... is cus no work is enough, if you see news about venezuela some tell how people are maintained by familiars OUTSIDE of my country, is my case, my aunt maintain us, my dad lost his job 2 years ago cus his enterprise broke, and he been unable of find work to do, less with this pandemic, only thing left is his job at Dominican Republic, like told before, his enterprise sued to pay him 100 to 150$ montly to survive, even so it wasnt enough, our aunt before my dad lost his job used to send a HUGE box with food and suplies for us, even clothes, yes clothes was more that we could afford, now my aunt send us 40$ weekly to buy stuff and survive, but isnt enough to complete with the meds or the emergencies... i almost died last year in cristmass day... and to repair the car... you think we could? no, my family outside my country could save enough to send us and we could fix it, but... there is things money cant buy

"like what?"
electricity, water, gas... yes, if we had 300$... we would sill have power outages, we would still have issues with water, waiting 6months to my country fix the water issue just so the next week it breaks again (and we pay montly for have water, gas both natural gas and gasoline is hard to get, like... 10 months to get our 5 gas tanks filled paying a fair price, but in middle of those we woudl had paid 30$ to fill just one! and thats more that im able of get, and the gasoline been starving here a lot by USA and other countries cutting our exportations of gasoline, (cus we are a petroleum country that doesnt produce petroleum so we buy it to other countries...)

and no!, ofc what my aunt send isnt enough, but we would starve hardcore if she didnt helped us for 3 years already! i work though, and i gain montly more that many venezolans ik, yet... isnt enougH!, i appreciate hardcore people like jepic, alex, kiba, ryan and more that they not only pay me to do art for them but they did it agaion and again!, it really helps me survive your support guys, and i love you all for it, really, thanks to commisions i could fix my pc a year agon, ofc... now with the pandemic i cant save of what i gather cus is needed asap for my parents in food, or any other thing we need to pay, usually meds, or when the car needs a fix up and buy spare parts, ive been down cus i wanted to save for a gpu and i almost made it, but... things got worse as i said...

so... recent bad events that made sure to destroy me emotionally?... we were notified DR would be real! thinsg were finally going to make! we were a month away of leave this country and have a life!... no... BANG.. my father counsin (responsible of the DR job) got infected by corvid, he almost didnt make it... ... BANG, the project is delayed cus the bank that would put the money for the project decided not do so.... .... bang... ive fell mentally hard cus of this... cus.. without dr... is really possible i never see my bf... the same one living in canada... a broken hearth is what would come next... we... were waiting.. that thinsg get better.. cus there is no way we can make it better ourselves.... were poor, our jobs here are a mysery compared to usa or canada, at least you can eat yourself with a single HALF time job, pandemic makes economy decay hardcore and thinsg as always get more expensive, even with dollars is hard, i have to convert my dollars to use them cus there is no way of pay electronically with dollars here and i dont have the ways of do so....

emotionally... i feel hopeless... im waiting things get better... waiting another bank get interested enough with the project and GET US OUT OF HERE!, my dad would gain 10 times what he won with his last job, we would be happy.. we would have insurances finally, a good car... i could travel to see my bf irl.... but... im trying to not lose hope... i try to not... cus... i have a lot to lose if i do... i prefer lose it when i have no other choice rather that lose them now ... but that feels so close... how much am i gonna wait?... im trying to make enough money to survive and we all have no way of make it better, isnt in our hands anymore... we had that years ago, when things werent so bad... but now.... people tell me be possitive and that there is still hope... but is hard to when there is no good news at all.... AT ALL!!!.. ahh...

i fear my bf and i break up, i fear my future fade away cus dr doesnt work... i fear of be alone and tied and unable of make something for my life... does my life s destined to depend of my aunt and do commisions to survive for... how many years?... this country is cursed, is sick, is bleeding, is rotten, but doesnt want to change, doesnt want to heal, doesnt want to move a single finger to make it better, our president doesnt invest the money where really matters, if we had back our petroleum industry (that they damaged) the country would have profit!, we could had increase our economy and richness, with that repair finally the country, recover the metal industries too!, our food industries! (cus 70% of our products are from other countries... i would say 85%), have progress as a country! we were used to be so rich we could buy theworld... look at us now... funny thing.... all went down and is still going down since i was born, in my b day there was a state take of power by our last dictator Hugo Chavez, he smashed out our industry putting people inexperienced and kicking out the experts that were also no venezolans, our people werent capacitated to manage things, and so all failed, industry broke, economy broke up, culture broke up, our country is starving from others the people here is getting moeny from those that have it, and 80% of them are outside my country, either selling products to our country or sending moeny to support the families that could leave the country ... me being one of those .... you still think i can move and do something to make things better?....

hell... 5 years ago was the last year where i had a life... we had insurances, car, food and stuff but inflation make things hard, and harder, and harder.... til we couldnt keep having our old stule of life, we were poor!, we couldnt buy the stuff we wanted and i was too young to work but now were more that just poor... poor and jobless... and im just waiting to ahve that back at least... i hope i can travel to dr... i hope my dad doesnt sick up of corvid and die... i hope i can see my bf irl and die with him on my side.... but there is no hint yet that it would happen... were still going and waiting cus there is no other choice, my dad is trying hardcore to things get done, but even he feels so hopeless about.. specially with bad news... and thats what we always have... bad news...