honestly i know no ones gonna read these but me, but its sometimes good to get things off my chest. if i had a gun right now, i would have killed myself a decade ago. my first attempt was when i was 7, 7 for fucks sake. the only reason i haent tried in recent years is that i know if i try one more time i'll succeed. i now have the knowledge to kill myself, i can do it no problem. so im trying to hold back and not do it because i still have the slighest bit of hope for the future, but its running thin. at this point i almost dont care how good the future is, i just want my current pain to be over.