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this may be goodbye
5 years ago
im almost over the edge, things have been going so much worse lately for me. including my dog being put down, this is a dog who is 4 years older than me. one that i have know for all my life. i cant even begin to express how much i hate this, this has ramped up my depression by 500%. and to be honest, i've been begging god to kill me so i don't have to do it myself for weeks now, but i know it wont work. and thats the edge i was talking about. im nearly to the point of commiting. i have been incapable of experiencing anything other than anger and joy lately, normally that would be good, but ive still been depressed, just unable to express it. this has been causing it to build up within me for months. the first time i cried a single tear in weeks was when earlier this night i sat down with my dog for what could possibly be the last time.
im feeling loss, pain, anger and sadness all at once, and i don't know if i can handle it. im just incapable of expressing this very well.
several times i've held an airsoft gun to my head, wishing it was the real thing so that i could just end it already. i was hoping to maybe postpone trying until i had finished the car ive been working on so that i could say i've made a single acomplishment in life, but i may not even be able to do that.
i just want it to end, i wish i had never been sentenced to live. i wish i could just undo my whole life, and maybe even just never have been conceived. my mother had a miscairage before i was born, and i feel as if that kid would have been better off in this world than i am. they deserved it more than me. if they had been born, i wouldn't be here today, but i feel like that would be for the best.
i know there are people who love me, but that doesn't change anything. this might be the last post i ever make on here, or anywhere.
but first, i think i may just draw my dog, so he can be immortalized on the internet forever. he deserves it.
and i very well know no one will ever read this, no one even really knows i exist on here. and im fine with that.
and if you have read this, Hi, im Lars Pedersen, theres nothing special about me, and nothing notable. im just a depressed teen who most likely killed himself. this may be goodbye.
im feeling loss, pain, anger and sadness all at once, and i don't know if i can handle it. im just incapable of expressing this very well.
several times i've held an airsoft gun to my head, wishing it was the real thing so that i could just end it already. i was hoping to maybe postpone trying until i had finished the car ive been working on so that i could say i've made a single acomplishment in life, but i may not even be able to do that.
i just want it to end, i wish i had never been sentenced to live. i wish i could just undo my whole life, and maybe even just never have been conceived. my mother had a miscairage before i was born, and i feel as if that kid would have been better off in this world than i am. they deserved it more than me. if they had been born, i wouldn't be here today, but i feel like that would be for the best.
i know there are people who love me, but that doesn't change anything. this might be the last post i ever make on here, or anywhere.
but first, i think i may just draw my dog, so he can be immortalized on the internet forever. he deserves it.
and i very well know no one will ever read this, no one even really knows i exist on here. and im fine with that.
and if you have read this, Hi, im Lars Pedersen, theres nothing special about me, and nothing notable. im just a depressed teen who most likely killed himself. this may be goodbye.
