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Dancin
4 years ago
General
Today I got to be home alone. I'm not often home alone; my fiance works from home now, and goes out very rarely.
But today I got to be alone. I could turn up the music! I could make noise! And this I did.
Dancing is SO different when you don't have to wear headphones and carry your phone. It... it was phenomenal! I closed the blinds and turned the music up, and could just... move my body! However I wanted! As I danced, I took off my clothes. I felt so liberated, jiggling, smiling, pretending to have an audience in my cyan undies. I figured out how to really make my thighs wiggle, make my butt wiggle, my stomach, and arms. Boy, I can really feel and look awesome when I'm untethered. I don't have a mirror to see my body, but I could slightly make out bits of it in the reflection off the television, and that was enough for me to know I looked great. I'd love a mirror. A full-length mirror. God, that'd be a thing, wouldn't it? Seeing my full self, and well. What a treat that'd be.
As I danced I sometimes grabbed at my skin, my muscles. Pulled a fist down my chest. Pulled my fingers down my temples luxuriously. Wow, there's a body here! I have a hard time with my body, feeling like a part of it. I am so separated from it now, after years of dysphoria, and of losing hope, and of sickness. When I dance I can kind of feel like I have body parts again. Like those body parts have sensations that go deep into them. Like I own them, physically, and not just conceptually. Sensually! I danced and it felt sensual. I was a cavorting thing. A thing. Better a thing than nothing, better a thing than an idea that cannot be acted on.
After dancing, I felt high. Not... not conceptually high. For real high. I felt my head lapse into a daze like I'd consumed edibles. My eyes rolled back in my skull. What a strange intoxication it was. I... I don't know how that happened. Whatever it was, it was bliss. That was out of this world. My senses were buzzing. I can't recall ever having felt this ridiculously good and high after something like this. I've heard people talk of feeling high after exercise. Is that this? Is this what most people have felt after exercise, all their lives? If so, they are the LUCKIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH. I felt tiny pinpricks of this a couple times, of a similar feeling. But it was always overshadowed by pain and fatigue. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that, for whatever reason, I've been able to physically feel my hormones release from my adrenal glands lately. Like SPLASH, from their spots in my torso and into my bloodstream, into my legs and arms and everywhere. Something has changed in my body and it is wonderful.
I don't know what's going on. Please, please stay this way. Please, body, don't ever go back to the way things were. This is too precious. I can feel good again. I can feel great things! And subtle things! I can pinch my thighs and they're mine! I want to keep dancing. I want to stretch, and dance, and the embarrassing thing that's become my goal, I want to tease others with my dancing. Some day I want an actual audience. I want to tease people and leave them full of desire! I want them to see my small, muscular body and not have words for the feelings they feel. I want them to writhe in their chests, to pant at my every movement, to catch my eye but never my fancy. What an embarrassing desire! What a ridiculous and selfish desire! ...And yet it is mine.
Now... I can feel good and dance. Now... I can move forward. And even if I never achieve that penultimate goal, I will have this, the bliss of having danced today and discovered the sensations of it. I will have this hedonism. Yes...
But today I got to be alone. I could turn up the music! I could make noise! And this I did.
Dancing is SO different when you don't have to wear headphones and carry your phone. It... it was phenomenal! I closed the blinds and turned the music up, and could just... move my body! However I wanted! As I danced, I took off my clothes. I felt so liberated, jiggling, smiling, pretending to have an audience in my cyan undies. I figured out how to really make my thighs wiggle, make my butt wiggle, my stomach, and arms. Boy, I can really feel and look awesome when I'm untethered. I don't have a mirror to see my body, but I could slightly make out bits of it in the reflection off the television, and that was enough for me to know I looked great. I'd love a mirror. A full-length mirror. God, that'd be a thing, wouldn't it? Seeing my full self, and well. What a treat that'd be.
As I danced I sometimes grabbed at my skin, my muscles. Pulled a fist down my chest. Pulled my fingers down my temples luxuriously. Wow, there's a body here! I have a hard time with my body, feeling like a part of it. I am so separated from it now, after years of dysphoria, and of losing hope, and of sickness. When I dance I can kind of feel like I have body parts again. Like those body parts have sensations that go deep into them. Like I own them, physically, and not just conceptually. Sensually! I danced and it felt sensual. I was a cavorting thing. A thing. Better a thing than nothing, better a thing than an idea that cannot be acted on.
After dancing, I felt high. Not... not conceptually high. For real high. I felt my head lapse into a daze like I'd consumed edibles. My eyes rolled back in my skull. What a strange intoxication it was. I... I don't know how that happened. Whatever it was, it was bliss. That was out of this world. My senses were buzzing. I can't recall ever having felt this ridiculously good and high after something like this. I've heard people talk of feeling high after exercise. Is that this? Is this what most people have felt after exercise, all their lives? If so, they are the LUCKIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH. I felt tiny pinpricks of this a couple times, of a similar feeling. But it was always overshadowed by pain and fatigue. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that, for whatever reason, I've been able to physically feel my hormones release from my adrenal glands lately. Like SPLASH, from their spots in my torso and into my bloodstream, into my legs and arms and everywhere. Something has changed in my body and it is wonderful.
I don't know what's going on. Please, please stay this way. Please, body, don't ever go back to the way things were. This is too precious. I can feel good again. I can feel great things! And subtle things! I can pinch my thighs and they're mine! I want to keep dancing. I want to stretch, and dance, and the embarrassing thing that's become my goal, I want to tease others with my dancing. Some day I want an actual audience. I want to tease people and leave them full of desire! I want them to see my small, muscular body and not have words for the feelings they feel. I want them to writhe in their chests, to pant at my every movement, to catch my eye but never my fancy. What an embarrassing desire! What a ridiculous and selfish desire! ...And yet it is mine.
Now... I can feel good and dance. Now... I can move forward. And even if I never achieve that penultimate goal, I will have this, the bliss of having danced today and discovered the sensations of it. I will have this hedonism. Yes...
