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Endorphins
4 years ago
General
Endorphins! I think that might be what it is!
It's like I'm a DND character who kept forgetting to level up on time, and got a bunch of levels at once, and one of the feats I chose was "endorphins." Now I can feeeeel. Feel good.
I was just reading an article about a small study--just 18 test participants--that tested for a link between fibromyalgia and a lack of response to opioid medications, and iirc they tentatively found that the brains of people with fibro had fewer opioid receptors in them. I realized, well, that makes sense to me too, since I've got fibro, and the medications they gave me after surgery did not. Do. One. Damn. Thing. Honestly, if they'd handed me a bottle of blueberries instead of drugs, it would have done more, because at least I could have enjoyed the taste of the blueberries.
But that's got me wondering. If my brain has been unable to process endorphins for so long, why has that changed suddenly? Why do I get the "runner's high" feeling now? I've gone through a lot of body changes recently, so it's hard to know. I stopped taking testosterone, that made a huge difference. I started a medication for my diabetes--that made a big difference. I had a whole damn organ removed, that made a big difference. I've lost over 25 lbs and have gotten a lot more fit, that's big, too. My blood sugar and my vascular health are markedly better. My diet and digestion has changed, and I think that's impacting me more than I know. I've been able to brush my teeth more, and that has an effect, too. It's impossible to know which one--or which combination--of these various things is the cause of my sudden ability to feel my hormones.
Seriously, I'm so curious what could cause someone to suddenly be able to feel endorphins. There has to be some kind of brain change, right? Somehow? Hopefully it's not a sign of something bad that I don't know about. Well, Whatever it is, I'm glad to be able to enjoy this time. I feel like I'm blossoming. Yeah, it's a tired metaphor, but really, I'm growing and changing in unprecedented ways. I feel like... I feel like I'm going through puberty proper, now, if that makes sense. A third puberty. The first was pre-T, the second was from starting T, the third was from removing an organ and stopping T. Heh. How strange. Maybe I'll feel like I can catch up to my peers now. Maybe, everything I was, was just brewing under the surface. Hopefully there are some things from the last five years that I learned unconsciously, and can use going forward. I guess... I learned what it's like to be a nothing. I learned for real what it was to be a pitiful ball of pain and exhaustion. I learned how BAD it is out there. I learned how wrong it is. And... I finally decided I lost hope. I replaced the hollow pit where hope had been, with resolution. And I think that was the right choice. Hope left me clinging, flailing. Resolution let me drop to the ground and start walking.
I have changed so much. It's hard to believe the me that is today, is the same me that was last December. The same me that was these last five years. I am growing so much. I look forward to what I can do.
Damn. Endorphins are great. I don't remember if I ever felt this way when I was younger. I don't recall ever feeling this high. Maybe a few times after dancing. I remember a New Years celebration that was fantastic. And the UU youth cons, I think I felt this way a couple times at those, during dances and angel washes. But that was exceedingly rare. Exercise NEVER felt good. Walking was just walking. Sports were bleah. Anyway, I do wish I knew what exactly changed to allow me to feel this way, but I doubt I'll ever have a solid answer. Maybe for now, I'll chalk it up to "3rd puberty" and leave it at that, lmao.
It's like I'm a DND character who kept forgetting to level up on time, and got a bunch of levels at once, and one of the feats I chose was "endorphins." Now I can feeeeel. Feel good.
I was just reading an article about a small study--just 18 test participants--that tested for a link between fibromyalgia and a lack of response to opioid medications, and iirc they tentatively found that the brains of people with fibro had fewer opioid receptors in them. I realized, well, that makes sense to me too, since I've got fibro, and the medications they gave me after surgery did not. Do. One. Damn. Thing. Honestly, if they'd handed me a bottle of blueberries instead of drugs, it would have done more, because at least I could have enjoyed the taste of the blueberries.
But that's got me wondering. If my brain has been unable to process endorphins for so long, why has that changed suddenly? Why do I get the "runner's high" feeling now? I've gone through a lot of body changes recently, so it's hard to know. I stopped taking testosterone, that made a huge difference. I started a medication for my diabetes--that made a big difference. I had a whole damn organ removed, that made a big difference. I've lost over 25 lbs and have gotten a lot more fit, that's big, too. My blood sugar and my vascular health are markedly better. My diet and digestion has changed, and I think that's impacting me more than I know. I've been able to brush my teeth more, and that has an effect, too. It's impossible to know which one--or which combination--of these various things is the cause of my sudden ability to feel my hormones.
Seriously, I'm so curious what could cause someone to suddenly be able to feel endorphins. There has to be some kind of brain change, right? Somehow? Hopefully it's not a sign of something bad that I don't know about. Well, Whatever it is, I'm glad to be able to enjoy this time. I feel like I'm blossoming. Yeah, it's a tired metaphor, but really, I'm growing and changing in unprecedented ways. I feel like... I feel like I'm going through puberty proper, now, if that makes sense. A third puberty. The first was pre-T, the second was from starting T, the third was from removing an organ and stopping T. Heh. How strange. Maybe I'll feel like I can catch up to my peers now. Maybe, everything I was, was just brewing under the surface. Hopefully there are some things from the last five years that I learned unconsciously, and can use going forward. I guess... I learned what it's like to be a nothing. I learned for real what it was to be a pitiful ball of pain and exhaustion. I learned how BAD it is out there. I learned how wrong it is. And... I finally decided I lost hope. I replaced the hollow pit where hope had been, with resolution. And I think that was the right choice. Hope left me clinging, flailing. Resolution let me drop to the ground and start walking.
I have changed so much. It's hard to believe the me that is today, is the same me that was last December. The same me that was these last five years. I am growing so much. I look forward to what I can do.
Damn. Endorphins are great. I don't remember if I ever felt this way when I was younger. I don't recall ever feeling this high. Maybe a few times after dancing. I remember a New Years celebration that was fantastic. And the UU youth cons, I think I felt this way a couple times at those, during dances and angel washes. But that was exceedingly rare. Exercise NEVER felt good. Walking was just walking. Sports were bleah. Anyway, I do wish I knew what exactly changed to allow me to feel this way, but I doubt I'll ever have a solid answer. Maybe for now, I'll chalk it up to "3rd puberty" and leave it at that, lmao.
