Well, not really "today", more like a month or two. I feel sick because of it. I can't breathe. I hurt my husband severely in a way I haven't done in years. I kept deliberately picking fights and being mean and gaslighting him... Out of my own pitiful insecurities.

Do not pity me.

I'm admitting guilt here. Owning my mistake as best as I can. I have lost trust and I have to earn it back. I'm scared. He doesn't want to leave me, but he probably should.

You see, I have issues with paranoia, jealousy and trust. And I take it out on people I love. It isn't right. It isn't fair to anyone involved. I have to discuss my issues like an adult. And not resort to trickery, lies, gaslighting, fighting... All the cruelty that is my forte. And this is why... I'm so scared of letting friends grow too close to me. I had a close friend once... And I abused the shit out of them. Just like Flickie. They forgave me, but they really shouldn't have. I'm very lucky to have they in my life.

But this isn't about me and what I want. This is about how I fucked up and have to fix this. I can't keep hurting people, especially my husband. I keep falling into crying fits and I don't want him to see me because it isn't right that he comfort me. So I don't know what to do about that.

All I want is to heal. So I'm gonna go to work today and try my best. I'm gonna be there for Flickie when he gets home tonight. And I'm just going to play this as it goes.

If you read all that, I appreciate your kindness. You don't have to say anything to me... What's to be said, really?