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I Am Trans
4 years ago
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This is scary to do. I don't know the reactions or what'll happen, but, I must do this. Please keep an open mind as you read through my thoughts. I've been trying to decide how to do this for a long while now, and there just seems to be no other way than to just jump in head-first and hope I resurface.....
I've seen a couple of these now from other fellows that are in the same boat that I am. Or rather, maybe I'm in the same boat as them? Watching them come out to be who they are and find the confidence they need has greatly bolstered me. It's given me a chance to think about things and how I've felt for a very, very long time.
I've always felt that my plumbing was incorrect. Ever since I was six, I've felt that my penis never should have been there. It should have been a vagina. Since I've been six years old, (I'm now almost 39) I've told myself that if I could have the surgery, that would be the part of myself that would be changed and then I'd be good to go. But, you know, as a kid you don't know how to explain that to your family. Especially when you live with your Grandmother who's a devout Catholic, and you have to go to church every Sunday. You don't really get to go off the beaten path. So after a few years of this, feeling how I did, and not finding any way of making anything happen or even being able to tell anyone, I just buried the thought. Deep, deep inside to the point that I mostly forgot about it. Out of sight, out of mind.
Move a number of years through time and I find the fandom when I'm almost eighteen. It was a pretty opening experience to get to talk to folk and have fun and fool around through cyber means. Explore and open up and learn things about yourself that you didn't really know were there. Further time passes and I come across something that I hadn't thought about in years. I saw a picture of a guy with a vagina. A fur, of course, but, it was right there. I didn't really know much of anything about trans folk because I wasn't really exposed heavily to that, so those who'd gone through the surgery and procedures to have themselves brought to be who they are, or closer to that were unknowns. But, I saw it in the fandom, first.
And it made me remember my own need. My own want. So I did what a lot of folks do and changed my character a little. It wasn't in the artwork yet, no, that didn't come about til later, when I started seeing more and more folk playing as 'cboys'. And that's what we were referred to as. I still bounced back and forth between that and being full on male. But more and more, as the years have gone on, I've settled less and less for being a guy with a penis, and more for being a guy with a vagina. I still used 'cboy'. Before folks started talking about how it made others felt so negatively or so sexualized and fetishized, it was the word I was most comfortable using to help identify myself. Honestly, it still it. I mean, I still identify as male too, because I'm not overly fond of thinking of myself as they'them. it's... weird, I suppose.
'Intersex' came along after, another word I still use, and eventually folks started taking issue with that too. Saying that they felt as if they were being put up as a meat market to be ogled. But I don't think some understand the way some of us felt... or still feel.
Looking at someone who's Female to Male, and is in the middle of their transition. They've already had their top surgery. They're taking hormones and their body shows it. It's not fetishizing something that you, yourself, feel is the RIGHT form. That you feel you are supposed to be. That how you are, is not correct at all, and the state of their transition currently is what you should be. It's a deep ache. It's an emotional and physical desire. There's exhaustion from it. Especially when the words you want to use to help identify who you are .. are trampled on. So it becomes more problematic to help identify who you are within the community because you want to be included, but you don't feel so for your verbiage.
Words only have the power that you give them. They only have the sway that you hold, or allow them to hold over you. If you stop letting them give you that bad feeling, or that hateful connotation, they eventually stop hurting you. I know this because I was bullied as a kid. From first grade all the way to the ninth. It took me years to realize that words don't mean anything if you don't allow them to have anything behind them. And eventually most bullies give up when you stop reacting to those words. The physicality part of bullying is a little more difficult, but, that too can be dealt with.
Perhaps I derailed a bit in my thoughts, and I apologize. I also apologize to those too who may decide that me finding myself isn't what they want to watch anymore. That's fine! You are who you are, and you like what you like, or dislike what you dislike. It's not for others to tell you what you should and shouldn't enjoy.
For those that want to stick around, I thank you. There's still a lot of self discovery to be made, and there's still more that I have to learn, so I can better adapt and be a better person. Hopefully I can improve and be better for others out there.
I'm trans, but I'm still a guy. I still use 'he/him' pronouns. I still use 'cboy' and 'intersex' too because those are what I'm comfortable with. If you don't want me using them with you, then I won't. We'll figure it out.
I'm just a guy that, one day, may be fully as he should.
Thank you for 'listening' to me ramble.
I've seen a couple of these now from other fellows that are in the same boat that I am. Or rather, maybe I'm in the same boat as them? Watching them come out to be who they are and find the confidence they need has greatly bolstered me. It's given me a chance to think about things and how I've felt for a very, very long time.
I've always felt that my plumbing was incorrect. Ever since I was six, I've felt that my penis never should have been there. It should have been a vagina. Since I've been six years old, (I'm now almost 39) I've told myself that if I could have the surgery, that would be the part of myself that would be changed and then I'd be good to go. But, you know, as a kid you don't know how to explain that to your family. Especially when you live with your Grandmother who's a devout Catholic, and you have to go to church every Sunday. You don't really get to go off the beaten path. So after a few years of this, feeling how I did, and not finding any way of making anything happen or even being able to tell anyone, I just buried the thought. Deep, deep inside to the point that I mostly forgot about it. Out of sight, out of mind.
Move a number of years through time and I find the fandom when I'm almost eighteen. It was a pretty opening experience to get to talk to folk and have fun and fool around through cyber means. Explore and open up and learn things about yourself that you didn't really know were there. Further time passes and I come across something that I hadn't thought about in years. I saw a picture of a guy with a vagina. A fur, of course, but, it was right there. I didn't really know much of anything about trans folk because I wasn't really exposed heavily to that, so those who'd gone through the surgery and procedures to have themselves brought to be who they are, or closer to that were unknowns. But, I saw it in the fandom, first.
And it made me remember my own need. My own want. So I did what a lot of folks do and changed my character a little. It wasn't in the artwork yet, no, that didn't come about til later, when I started seeing more and more folk playing as 'cboys'. And that's what we were referred to as. I still bounced back and forth between that and being full on male. But more and more, as the years have gone on, I've settled less and less for being a guy with a penis, and more for being a guy with a vagina. I still used 'cboy'. Before folks started talking about how it made others felt so negatively or so sexualized and fetishized, it was the word I was most comfortable using to help identify myself. Honestly, it still it. I mean, I still identify as male too, because I'm not overly fond of thinking of myself as they'them. it's... weird, I suppose.
'Intersex' came along after, another word I still use, and eventually folks started taking issue with that too. Saying that they felt as if they were being put up as a meat market to be ogled. But I don't think some understand the way some of us felt... or still feel.
Looking at someone who's Female to Male, and is in the middle of their transition. They've already had their top surgery. They're taking hormones and their body shows it. It's not fetishizing something that you, yourself, feel is the RIGHT form. That you feel you are supposed to be. That how you are, is not correct at all, and the state of their transition currently is what you should be. It's a deep ache. It's an emotional and physical desire. There's exhaustion from it. Especially when the words you want to use to help identify who you are .. are trampled on. So it becomes more problematic to help identify who you are within the community because you want to be included, but you don't feel so for your verbiage.
Words only have the power that you give them. They only have the sway that you hold, or allow them to hold over you. If you stop letting them give you that bad feeling, or that hateful connotation, they eventually stop hurting you. I know this because I was bullied as a kid. From first grade all the way to the ninth. It took me years to realize that words don't mean anything if you don't allow them to have anything behind them. And eventually most bullies give up when you stop reacting to those words. The physicality part of bullying is a little more difficult, but, that too can be dealt with.
Perhaps I derailed a bit in my thoughts, and I apologize. I also apologize to those too who may decide that me finding myself isn't what they want to watch anymore. That's fine! You are who you are, and you like what you like, or dislike what you dislike. It's not for others to tell you what you should and shouldn't enjoy.
For those that want to stick around, I thank you. There's still a lot of self discovery to be made, and there's still more that I have to learn, so I can better adapt and be a better person. Hopefully I can improve and be better for others out there.
I'm trans, but I'm still a guy. I still use 'he/him' pronouns. I still use 'cboy' and 'intersex' too because those are what I'm comfortable with. If you don't want me using them with you, then I won't. We'll figure it out.
I'm just a guy that, one day, may be fully as he should.
Thank you for 'listening' to me ramble.
It's you. You have to do you. Other people will get upset but they aren't you. Ignore them, and follow the advice a Catholic priest, and I'm not Catholic, gave to me.
Be you. Be the Best You it is possible to be.
Heck.. my bf was trans, under hrt, but decided not to follow that anymore. He's a male, but still identifies as a more fluid trans female at times.
that's all fine. you don't have to fit into a box, or settle on a label.
Also, it's ok to not even be entirely sure.
(Can't remember who said that, but they had a point!)
Happy to offer a sympathetic ear if needed.
*offers encouraging bunnyhugs* <3
Somebody using cboy/dgirl to misgender somebody (since the term is a combination of gender and sex information being concisely given to people as far as I view it) is far different than it applying correctly to who somebody actually says they are. Context matters and anything can be a slur if used hatefully - so its cool that you're willing to skip on using it around individuals who're not keen on it, but also don't let people push you off of an otherwise info accurate term being used in good faith.
Add new ones and don't make a big deal about turning it political, adding words without politics will make an easier transition into the rest of the American English language. Just remember that the doctors who perform your change can't make the vagina a working one, you won't feel female orgasm with it. They still can't do that yet, just cosmetic.
I decided to try the nonsurgical method and just do crossdressing with top surgery and a few other things altered (hormones) but not castration and an open cosmetic part that gives the 'look' of being real.
I remember just before my cells began the process of becoming female or male before I was born. I remember thinking do I want to be female this time?, then remembered all the truly horrible lives I had as a girl never surviving long enough in the archaic world to become a woman, or the fact that women have had a difficult time throughout history in every culture. So I decided to be male again.
I too decided to do this but thought to first see how the lighter version works out. I still won't castrate myself because then sex will be a thing of the past.
Good luck to you.
Oh, special note: I was born with bulbs off of my bladder one went through the stomach lining and I got a right inguinal hernia that had to be operated upon to remove the problem. Are these ovaries that stopped once I decided to be male again, I still have the one on my left side.