FA+
Shop
Dysphoria, executive dysfunction, and trauma
4 years ago
General
I wonder if some of my deep, deep gender dysphoria issues are actually magnified due to my executive dysfunction problems. Like... the parts of my body that don't really feel like they exist... I wonder if that blank space is on the "dark track." I wonder if those parts of me don't feel real because my executive dysfunction issues don't allow them to feel real.
I have in fact noticed the trend that, things I vastly dislike or fear tend to end up on the dark track. I wonder if... I wonder if executive dysfunction is a protective measure for me. I wonder if it's my brain's way of going, "this is a bad thing, don't let it exist or it will consume you." I remember, back when these problems were first arising long, long ago, when I was angrily told by my parents to do chores and I kept forgetting and forgetting and forgetting, it certainly felt like it was protective. As in, "not doing it because I decided to hold off will get me yelled at or physically hurt, but if I conveniently forget, then at least that's somewhat understandable by my parents."
Hm. I don't know if that's entirely the reason--I mean, I have ADD, no matter what--but I wonder if that executive dysfunction part of the ADD was made worse by my childhood trauma. Maybe my brain is forcibly denying me the ability to think of things it assumes will hurt me. Maybe my brain doesn't let potentially painful things feel real. I mean, it's not that I can't think of painful things. But I guess... it's pretty difficult to think of *doing* painful things in a real sense. It comes across as fictional. Maybe... maybe normal things are being tossed into the "painful, it's not real" bin because my brain is hypersensitive to the potential for pain, due to trauma.
Huuuuuh.
So that would mean... if this is the way things are, then I either have to find a way to un-adapt my brain to responding to the idea of acting on pain, or I need to make actions I want to take seem not-painful.
You know what? This would explain something too. That would be, my freeze response. And my inability to look at things that might be bad... by that I mean, my inability to respond if I think someone other than close family may be hurt. In particular, I can't face situations where I may be asked to help someone in need. I can look at, say, a car crash where an ambulance is, no problem. But I know I could not look at a new car crash if I was the only one on the scene. I will walk right past potential problems, or even people who might talk to me, as if I could not see at all, as if I did not perceive anything at all.
Maybe... maybe those things are perceived and then immediately put on the dark track, because my brain does not want me to have to acknowledge them as reality. Because that would mean getting involved, and getting involved is dangerous. Getting involved is like going downstairs when mom is stomping around. It is safer to forget to do the dishes, than to go downstairs and do them while mom is stomping around.
I do not think that my executive dysfunction is solely a trauma response. But I do see how it very well may have been deepened by trauma.
And I guess, if my own body feels traumatic to me due to gender dysphoria... then... maybe that's why I feel partially nonexistent, because my brain is trying to "disappear" that trauma. Maybe that's why I feel like a mutant and not a human being. Or at least, maybe it is contributing.
That's a lot to think about.
I guess my next questions should be, what can I do? Is there anything I can do? What do I WANT to do? Is there any way to lessen the trauma response? If not, then is there any way to make things register as non-traumatic?
Hmmmmm.
I have in fact noticed the trend that, things I vastly dislike or fear tend to end up on the dark track. I wonder if... I wonder if executive dysfunction is a protective measure for me. I wonder if it's my brain's way of going, "this is a bad thing, don't let it exist or it will consume you." I remember, back when these problems were first arising long, long ago, when I was angrily told by my parents to do chores and I kept forgetting and forgetting and forgetting, it certainly felt like it was protective. As in, "not doing it because I decided to hold off will get me yelled at or physically hurt, but if I conveniently forget, then at least that's somewhat understandable by my parents."
Hm. I don't know if that's entirely the reason--I mean, I have ADD, no matter what--but I wonder if that executive dysfunction part of the ADD was made worse by my childhood trauma. Maybe my brain is forcibly denying me the ability to think of things it assumes will hurt me. Maybe my brain doesn't let potentially painful things feel real. I mean, it's not that I can't think of painful things. But I guess... it's pretty difficult to think of *doing* painful things in a real sense. It comes across as fictional. Maybe... maybe normal things are being tossed into the "painful, it's not real" bin because my brain is hypersensitive to the potential for pain, due to trauma.
Huuuuuh.
So that would mean... if this is the way things are, then I either have to find a way to un-adapt my brain to responding to the idea of acting on pain, or I need to make actions I want to take seem not-painful.
You know what? This would explain something too. That would be, my freeze response. And my inability to look at things that might be bad... by that I mean, my inability to respond if I think someone other than close family may be hurt. In particular, I can't face situations where I may be asked to help someone in need. I can look at, say, a car crash where an ambulance is, no problem. But I know I could not look at a new car crash if I was the only one on the scene. I will walk right past potential problems, or even people who might talk to me, as if I could not see at all, as if I did not perceive anything at all.
Maybe... maybe those things are perceived and then immediately put on the dark track, because my brain does not want me to have to acknowledge them as reality. Because that would mean getting involved, and getting involved is dangerous. Getting involved is like going downstairs when mom is stomping around. It is safer to forget to do the dishes, than to go downstairs and do them while mom is stomping around.
I do not think that my executive dysfunction is solely a trauma response. But I do see how it very well may have been deepened by trauma.
And I guess, if my own body feels traumatic to me due to gender dysphoria... then... maybe that's why I feel partially nonexistent, because my brain is trying to "disappear" that trauma. Maybe that's why I feel like a mutant and not a human being. Or at least, maybe it is contributing.
That's a lot to think about.
I guess my next questions should be, what can I do? Is there anything I can do? What do I WANT to do? Is there any way to lessen the trauma response? If not, then is there any way to make things register as non-traumatic?
Hmmmmm.
