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Essayblog: A Broken Childhood
4 years ago
General
Ever wonder what happened to that one "weird kid" in school? I don't remember the names of too many people from first or second grade, but one sticks out to me. Jacob.
Jacob was... interesting. He was the one kid everybody else feared. Not a bully, but just an outright wildcard of unpredictability. During recess he'd walk around and eat cicadas, spiders, and other bugs off the trees. He's urinate on the playground. If agitated, Jacob's reaction was to scream at the top of his lungs or brutally attack other kids. He was known for stealing everything in class that wasn't locked down. My first and only personal experience with him was when he randomly jumped me from behind and bit me.
Something was wrong with Jacob.
The last thing we'd ever heard about him was somebody came into class and said Jacob had broken a window in the bathroom, jumped out, and ran away.
He disappeared. Never seen from again.
But it got weirder still. When we asked the teachers about what happened they refused to answer. We were forbidden to discuss it. Forbidden to even say his name.
The school acted is if he never existed.
But last night something triggered a memory, and I was curious. I searched his name, and the very first result: arrest reports.
Digging deeper into public records I found multiple instances of theft, assault, robbery at gunpoint, operating vehicles without licenses, and more. An entire slew of over 20 state police records.
And then I felt bad. Really bad.
Whatever bad happened to Jacob happened in his childhood and destroyed his life. He was started on a path of self destruction that he was apparently unable to escape from. It's weird being able to connect puzzle pieces and realize that the bigger picture of a child's fractured life lead to chaos and discord.
What happened to Jacob? Why didn't the school want us to know? Did he ever get the help he needed? Did he ever have a chance at a normal life?
In my weird curiosity to find out what happened I stumbled upon the shards of a shattered life. He's in prison now, but... I can't help but wonder if he ever had a real chance at life.
Deep down, I know something bad happened. Something traumatic. Something that shaped his life forever and he was unable to escape whatever he was born into.
My curiosity quickly turned to tragedy. I don't know what happened, but it's tragic to see what happened put him on a road to self destruction.
Jacob was... interesting. He was the one kid everybody else feared. Not a bully, but just an outright wildcard of unpredictability. During recess he'd walk around and eat cicadas, spiders, and other bugs off the trees. He's urinate on the playground. If agitated, Jacob's reaction was to scream at the top of his lungs or brutally attack other kids. He was known for stealing everything in class that wasn't locked down. My first and only personal experience with him was when he randomly jumped me from behind and bit me.
Something was wrong with Jacob.
The last thing we'd ever heard about him was somebody came into class and said Jacob had broken a window in the bathroom, jumped out, and ran away.
He disappeared. Never seen from again.
But it got weirder still. When we asked the teachers about what happened they refused to answer. We were forbidden to discuss it. Forbidden to even say his name.
The school acted is if he never existed.
But last night something triggered a memory, and I was curious. I searched his name, and the very first result: arrest reports.
Digging deeper into public records I found multiple instances of theft, assault, robbery at gunpoint, operating vehicles without licenses, and more. An entire slew of over 20 state police records.
And then I felt bad. Really bad.
Whatever bad happened to Jacob happened in his childhood and destroyed his life. He was started on a path of self destruction that he was apparently unable to escape from. It's weird being able to connect puzzle pieces and realize that the bigger picture of a child's fractured life lead to chaos and discord.
What happened to Jacob? Why didn't the school want us to know? Did he ever get the help he needed? Did he ever have a chance at a normal life?
In my weird curiosity to find out what happened I stumbled upon the shards of a shattered life. He's in prison now, but... I can't help but wonder if he ever had a real chance at life.
Deep down, I know something bad happened. Something traumatic. Something that shaped his life forever and he was unable to escape whatever he was born into.
My curiosity quickly turned to tragedy. I don't know what happened, but it's tragic to see what happened put him on a road to self destruction.
I hope the pandemic helps to make more people realize its importance, and that appropriate steps are taken so that everyone that needs it can reach help.
People with cancer or asthma are taken seriously, because their ailment can be seen. But, since things like depression and anxiety are emotional things, people just think that a lifestyle will fix it. It's sad and unfair, but people are difficult to grasp it, even though brain pathologies can SHOW you the difference between a healthy brain and one afflicted by a mental illness. There is proof that mental illness is real, but people are ignorant and refuse to believe what they cannot see.
Anyway, sorry the long speech. I hope your friend can get counseling while imprisoned. They do offer that in some prisons, though I'm not sure if it's all of them.
Mental health is a big deal and should NEVER be frowned upon.
If anything, they're the reason the rest of us need therapy.
If anybody's unhappy that we're still dealing with lockdowns and masks and they refused to believe it... that's on them. I can get why they may be depressed, but... there's a vast difference in somebody dealing with a mental health disorder and somebody angry and frustrated shit's as bad as it is still because anti-vaxxers have refused to acknowledge a pandemic as real and only made it vastly worse.
From what I'm hearing in the news there's an increase in gun violence in the US. Over here I'm hearing about traumatized children who are afraid to go to school, for different reasons related to the same cause... in some cases children are telling their parents they're afraid to take their mask off even for a second because they're going die, I don't see that translating well long term. We'll see in time I guess, but overall I foresee anything but a bright future ahead from here on, especially for the next generation.
People thinking that all of this covid lockdown shit isn't going to lead to trauma and mental disorders in young children are wrong, ESPECIALLY with their parents being laid off work and domestic violence increasing as a direct result. It probably doesn't even cross their minds if they aren't around kids.
Generally speaking: How am I supposed to listen to those who's stance toward me is "no you aren't being harmed by what we're doing you're just imagining it you're just an ungrateful brat and you have no rights shut up we are the victims and you're an idiot for not doing what we say morons like you are at fault for all our problems"? How is that meant to inspire any form of trust and solidarity?! When a part of society has that approach it sure feels like anything but someone who "wants what's best for me" and who totally isn't going to make my life a living hell! And it's the exact thing I dealt with in my childhood, it's a pattern I'm well used to already long before the virus shenanigans, seeing it happen today goes through the old news part of my brain.
Won't discuss this more here since like on many sites, you will get in trouble on FA if you talk too much about the subject... without embracing the official narrative I mean, if it's to show how scared and responsible you are then you can talk about it. So much for that free and open internet my generation grew up believing in too, another dream gone down the drain for those of us foolish enough to have had it, nowadays freedom is just that scary thing which kills people or spreads hate.
This much I believe was safe for me to say though, and it explains what and why I think on that matter since this whole thing started. I'd say I hope humanity wakes up to the harms its behavior does someday, but I'm well past that point by now. Thank you and I'm glad there are others out there who see what we mean.
I was scared to comment previously to you and thought I might delete it to avoid backlash, too. I totally understand how you feel. We're not alone in how we feel though, I try to take some comfort in that as we proceed through these unusual times! Most people are more reasonable than Twitter. :)
About 7-8 years ago I started seeing psychiatrists to try to get my bipolar and depression under control. Prior to that, I was kind of notorious for making some incredibly rash, impulsive decisions, saying things that just came out completely wrong, or prone to extreme mood swings. It wasn't pleasant. But I'd been like that my entire life and I finally decided to get help.
I saw TWO different doctors at the same facility who BOTH outright told me, to my face, depression wasn't real and that I needed to figure out the cause of my sadness and frustration.
"It's not real. It's all in your head!" Yeah, no shit, doc. I'm trying to get help and to improve my life, and you're telling me to my face it's NOT REAL? I never went back to the facility again.
God just remembering that makes my blood boil so much. People need to respect mental health far more than they currently do.
When people are pushed into being afraid to live or speak or think, withdrawing from the world as a consequence because they can no longer interact with most of it... to me at least it seems like yet another perfect recipe to get a Jacob. Especially when some only find understanding from those people that may indeed not be the best influence and end up joining them. At least that's my mindset on it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andrew_Wakefield
I think that's what gets me. He was always the question in the back of my mind, and I'd think of him ever so often. I just don't know if we was ever given the chance to have a normal life. Granted, I have no idea what happened between the time he vanished and turned 18, but the police records start at that point.
I often think about those at school who were the same. I found out recently via facebook at least of them has actually gone on to lead a good life and is himself a therapist for young adults, some every now and then there is a happy ending, but I fear that is the exception rather than the norm.
There was this kid who very obviously had something wrong with him. He talked about things that no child should talk about, he was the frequent target of bullying, and there are a few other things I won't go into details about. I remember asking my mom (who worked for my elementary/high school) what happened to him because he was there from first grade to sophomore year, and then he disappeared.
He'd apparently been committed. Something happened involving his family, but rather than do something about it, his family waited and looked the other way until the school took matters into their own hands. The fact that similar things like this happen - with kids from troubled homes, kids with mental illness, etc - is so SO sad.
It sucks that's the direction they went or ended up in.
It makes me wonder how many have ended up down a path of self destruction because they were never able to get the help or mental care they needed. I don't know what happened, but I know something did and I kind of feel legitimate pity. I don't think he ever had a chance to be a normal kid or live a regular life. It's hard to know, especially since they acted like he never existed.
Also Fender's notifications has not appeared on his last journal and i didn't even X or get the notification either.
Will there be more stuff to FA that is seriously needed like for mobile support for FA? Cause there's sooo many issues with it on a mobile browser.
Thanks!
2) Fender notifications only stay at the top of the site for a period of two weeks so as to not spam people with the dismissable bar.
3) I am working on mobile improvements that will go out in the next sit update (probably a month or so from now).
Some emoji support for browsers? Cause i think having another set of emojis for FA+ subscribes can help a bunch.
And I don't have see the emoji button even thourgh i'm not subscribed to FA+.
Thanks for the answers!
:D
Considering his behavior. This Jacob does sound like he suffered a form of autism. Though to lose his mind and become that violent/unpredictable. Something wasn't stable in his mind at all.
There's no denying he suffered some kind of trauma. However, to behave that dangerously. One's past isn't a get out of proper behavior card
Fate willing, someone or something will come forward to assist him. Though considering the length of time and your memory. If your old instructors are still breathing. Chances are likely he's a forgotten memory.
Just keep his memory alive of what you don't want to see repeat again, what little you remember of the past. And what you've discovered. Take his pains and use them as a lesson. If you probe to deep someone might want to know why and get counter investigative on you.
Not tryin to sound ominous here just an old army cat tellin ya to CYA (Cover yer a@@) in case something does happen
During the pandemic outbreak my anxiety attacks increased. In one of those attacks I remembered all what happened when I was 3 years old. An unfortunate memory, that was buried in my mind, surfaced again.
But I talked the thing with my family and they’re helping me to keep the good memories I have from my childhood.
Destiny works in mysterious ways.
Jacob was desperate to be heard, to be cared, to be loved. Jacob wanted to be a normal kid.
People fears what they don’t understand and the expression of that fear is reject, discrimination, and lack of human empathy.
But I was suffering complete mental personality shifts that'd kind of come and go at almost the drop of a hat. Today, we have a term for that. Rapid cycling. But back then there was no real help for it, nobody you could talk to, no resources you could look up, no internet.
And this was all made worse by the fact I've had severe sleep issues my entire life. It compounded every issue.
So while I don't know what Jacob went through, I definitely know what I did.
As far as I'm concerned at least, that's the only help I'm getting. The things I'd truly need as help... they aren't happening in this lifetime. Talking about it does little when you know the core issues will always be there and it doesn't matter... you often can't talk about things anyway because nowadays people lynch you for anything, or at best treat you like you're crazy or can't understand a certain thought or experience. I can say I tried the "reset button" for the only time nearly two years back... seemed like the only real solution, but this existence wanted me to stick around for longer it seems.
By the way-someone who readily admits that self-hate is the root cause of their biggest issues should refrain from being so dismissive of others' trauma. Especially when trauma experienced at a young age is likely the root of said self-hate.
Imagine if every time you sneezed somebody hit you and told you to knock it off. It's something involuntary that happens and you can't control it. You'd become scared of sneezing because you knew it'd result in punishment, and most kids would do anything to avoid being punished.
But that didn't exist back then.
I have no idea what his family life, whether he had genuinely loving or abuse parents, or what else may have been going on. But after looking into it as I did, I just don't believe he ever had a proper chance at life. He was dealt a hand of bad cards as a kid in a time before proper mental healthcare and put into a system that would rather pretend he never existed than try to explain to the other kids what may have happened.
"The Resolution on Physical Discipline of Children By Parents, adopted by APA’s Council of Representatives in February, relies on strong and sophisticated longitudinal research that finds physical discipline does not improve behavior and can lead to emotional, behavioral and academic problems over time, even after race, gender and family socioeconomic status have been statistically controlled.
To start, the research finds that hitting children does not teach them about responsibility, conscience development and self-control. "Hitting children does not teach them right from wrong," says Elizabeth Gershoff, PhD, an expert on the effects of corporal punishment on children who provided research for the resolution. "Spanking gets their attention, but they have not internalized why they should do the right thing in the future. They may behave when the adult is there but do whatever they want at other times."
In addition, children learn from watching their parents. Parents who use physical discipline may be teaching their child to resolve conflicts with physical aggression. Researchers found that spanking can elevate a child’s aggression levels as well as diminish the quality of the parent-child relationship. Other studies have documented that physical discipline can escalate into abuse."
https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk.....spanking-brain
“Preschool and school age children — and even adults — [who have been] spanked are more likely to develop anxiety and depression disorders or have more difficulties engaging positively in schools and skills of regulation, which we know are necessary to be successful in educational settings,” he says.
https://brightside.me/inspiration-f.....better-763760/
https://www.mother.ly/why-corporal-.....ipline-options
https://www.nbcnews.com/health/heal.....octors-n931306
So, yeah-hitting kids for any reason is bad and abusive.
I've had a lifetime of issues complicated by someone who is a prime example of why the mental health field was and still is a mess. There are still a lot of so-called 'professionals' like her out there who are too invested in old, outdated ideas regarding how to treat the mentally ill to properly do so. By the way-when I say, 'adopted' I mean 'she kidnapped me from my mom then blackmailed her by threatening to take away financial support'.
With people like her in charge of school systems and psychiatric institutions and organizations, it's no wonder so many people (like me) struggle to find the help they so desperately need.
One thing's for sure, it breaks my heart to hear that other people have had spiraling and broken childhoods. It makes me wish there was something that could be done to save these people.
Spent my entire life homeschooled because the public school system legitimately threatened to have me institutionalized for not wanting to sit still 10 hours a day every day being lectured about crap I didn't care about.
Hilariously, little babby me also got kicked out of Sunday School for punching the pastor in the stomach over... I don't even remember what, but man is that on-brand for me.
Those who have the power to improve such things could have been either unaware of apathetic.
Maybe things have changed since then - or at least I'd hope.
Last night something triggered a memory, and I was like "I wonder what DID happen to him?" and decided to see if I could look him up.
I've had therapy for my PTSD for 4 years, but if I was faster in seeking help the damage would've been minimal.
I did however noticed that there is a HUGE stigma on getting professional help, people who hear i got PTSD and that i went through therapy, they will throw a pity party and that is the last thing people like me want.
Sure we want to be recognized for our achievements and sacrifices we made to protect others, but please for the love of god stop feeling sorry for people like me, we got enough problems without other people putting more pressure on us.
Though yes you have the agency but so does he, I'm curious what you really thought you can do to "fix him" any reasonable capacity.
Did he matter to you? That's what it all comes back to, Did he ultimately matter outside of a morbid curiosity.
We both know the answer, if he did you would of pursued him if he did matter, and we both know Human time and patience is limited, the more time you are giving to Jacob, is less time to those who really do matter to you.
Spite all of that, I took all that pain and made it better for me and told those other parties to simply well... Fuck off.
I only say, not because I want pity, it's because I actively made decisions and I carved those elements from MY life
I feel bad for him because he grew up in a time before mental health care was as prominent as it is now, and as a 6 and 7 year old he was already set on a destructive path. I don't think I can fix him at all, as this all happened about 34 years ago. I was just curious about what happened to him, as he was the kid who just up and vanished one day and I'd always wondered about his fate.
I don't feel responsible for him at all. I, uh, really just don't feel like you read the post as it was intended. This was a kid who clearly needed help, and was basically erased from the system. I don't know what happened in his life, I just know something bad happened at an early age and apparently set him hon a path he could probably never escape.
I don't have any answers.
Thanks for the reminder, honestly. He can burn.
I worry for my niece and other children who lost a year of their childhood during quarantine. Necessary but grim. I wonder how being kept at home during that period of their life, and remote learning/playing, will affect their mental health in adulthood
The amount of incidents on disruptive passengers on planes is up well over 20X.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/ne.....ays/ar-AAKDIIj
It seems like if you were the kind of person learning towards the "Karen" stereotype then isolating and staying home alone basically caused these problematic individuals, but everything I've read has said if you were well adjusted and of a good personality prior to that you were likely unphased by covid and lockdowns. It's the selfish and disruptive who've only become vastly more so.
He (my ex) poisoned me with meth. When I told him I thought one of his friends was poisoning me - my ex told me that he thought he was poisoning me too and then my ex told me that's why he's friends with that guy. I survived an attempted murder from two of the people in the ring my ex was in.. They told me they were going to give me a "real disability" via poisoning me (as if having narcolepsy and complex PTSD isn't bad enough.) I never would have been pushed into the margins like that if my family hadn't sold me and never cared enough about me to make sure I had food or housing.
No one saw me for who I was - a person pushed into an extreme situation where I was constantly taken advantage of and had to do things to stay afloat (and out of a homeless shelter, which I have lived in before) that I didn't want to do; anyone who saw me during those times, welll... They didn't know. I never talked about it. I didn't want to trouble anyone. No one asked and I never told.