Its almost here. About a year ago I made a decision that was based on a decision someone else made for me years before that. Now those decisions are coming to pass and I am split right down the middle of fucking excited and extremely depressed.

I am a dad. That will be first and foremost. Even then I get caught up by some people who don't know me claiming that I am abandoning my kids. Claiming that I put my job before my kids and how raising them should be my number one priority. Sad part is, I get it. Part of me does feel like I should do as much as I can for my kids. Part of me still feels like going into debt to pay off lawyers in a court system heavily against fathers. Part of me wishes I could fight and try to get my kids back. I want them back but now, is that really what is best for them?

They have been with their mother now for a while. She is married to someone who I used to manage (yes it is what you think it is) and the kids called him dad before they even got hitched. I feel like I have been used for years and then replaced. Part of me feels her manipulation has made it so that when I go, that will be the last I get to see my kids.

I feel like I am abandoning them. I feel horrible. I feel like I have become the monster if not worse than what my ex did to me during and following our marriage. Who the fuck abandons their kids to someone who screws behind their partner's back, turns the entire social circle they had against the father of those kids and someone who steals money from the kids?

And yet, these things aren't life ending. These things may be what the kids can see and grow up noticing and not doing. Hopefully being less naive then I was and possibly still am to some extent.

And yet, I have to look after my own happiness to. I have to do things for me to. I cannot leave my well-being in the hands of kids. Its not right. Too much responsibility for the young ones. But in order for me to provide for them, I have to go. I have to leave. Am I really abandoning them if I am working in the background to make sure shit happens?

These are the constant thoughts in my head and with work coming to a close in one area and opening up states away, I have to follow it. I have no choice. Its good for my career. Its good to be around individuals like me. Its good so that I can provide for the kids when they get older.

But when I do leave, I'm going to have to work with a woman who would rather see me a vegetable and keep sucking dry like a parasite who survives of my blood. I'm not going to see them. I forsee her breaking more rules of our signed agreement. This is the future I am walking in to.

So if you made it here then let me say, I am sorry. I will be acting funny for a while longer. And if I seem distant, please don't take it personally. I process better alone. I'm used to it and I am a people pleaser at heart so I want to live up to the expectation I think you have of me rather than show my true self. That is a stress I would much rather not face at the moment and no one can stop it right now. Is what it is.

I want to thank my friends who have given me time. I want to thank those with the patience who have given me time. And I thank those that give a boop and still check in that I am alive. I am not okay. But I will survive and I will be around those who will help me through this.

So in no particular order...
My brother Necker
The one who got out Nate
My dungeon crawling friend Toby
Sweet streamer https://twitch.tv/monstershenanigans AKA Drai
Always inclusive Rowann
That darn stormdragon Rithzarian
Ever-so-sweet Kiba

Again there are others who help me out but these guys would probably see this and I feel like I give them the most amount of baggage.

Finally my favorite four letter word I keep repeating more often...fuck.