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Surgery thoughts
4 years ago
General
I'm thinking more about phalloplasty. There are a number of things I'm anxious or hesitant about, but I did do some more research about it, which helped ease my mind a little.
For example, there's a high rate of satisfaction with the surgery, it seems. That's a relief. And sensation is apparently pretty good, especially if the radial forearm flap is used, which is what I'd choose.
One of the things I'm most hesitant about though is the loss of my current external organs. I... I'm attached to my fine nerves. I'm attached to my skin. While these things aren't lost totally, they *do* get buried under the skin of the neo-phallus, where the surfaces of their skin can no longer directly be reached. That's somewhat saddening to me. I know those nerves well. I have made do with them with some success.
But I may be approaching my thoughts about them wrong, at the same time. In my mind I'm thinking, well, if those nerves are buried under my skin, then to touch them will be like touching them with gloves on. But that's not quite the case. Because, well, it'll be *my own skin* against them, not gloves. Not something insensate. It will be more like... well. Probably more like touching through a foreskin. That's hard to imagine, how exactly that might feel. I wonder if there's any way to replicate that potentially. I want to know what I can. Will this be acceptable? I am so accustomed to the surfaces of my own skin. I know where every nerve is. Although... I guess if things changed, relearning the new nerves might be fun, too. Hmm. A little exciting.
Another thing I was briefly worried about was the sensation of the new skin from my forearm. But that won't be a problem, I think. Even now, if I touch my forearm as if it is an intimate piece of me, it can feel incredibly good. I *am* a little concerned the skin is too thin, though. And boy I'm hairy; will I have to get electrolysis first? That seems like the best solution if it doesn't affect the quality of the skin. I'd be embarrassed having to get it after surgery, oof.
It feels like a little bit of a loss that my arm will look all messed up afterwards. Then again, I'm at a point where I'm starting to take pride in looking freaky, so. It may be more a badge of honor. I wonder if I could tattoo the area, as well. Or I could wear pretty gloves like the ones Delkira wears. There are options I'm guessing.
But... yeah. The main concern right now is missing the structures I've already got. I like my skin. It's purpley, what a pretty color. Tan and purpley. It makes me think of plums, of a warm, dusty twilight. Adults in love, quietly reposing in muted gladness as the sun sets. Colors of middle age and the prime of one's life and the ability to think serious thoughts but not being trapped in with them. Freedom and joy. Gazing through fashionable shades tinted tan, at the one you know you love in the pit of your heart even if expressing it is hard. It's... I have a lot of fanciful feelings I suppose. I know it's strange. But some feelings can't quite be put into words so you have to find abstract ways of thinking about them. Even if it doesn't make total sense, you can sketch a caricature of your thoughts in this way at least.
So yes. I am scared of losing what little I have. I do need to remember what I'll gain, though. And... one good thing. Since the surgery is done in stages, the clitoral tissue isn't buried until the second one, and hey, if I really wanted to, I could stop there. I'd get to see how I feel having both the neophallus and my normal tissue at the same time. I could get a better feel for what I wanted. Each step is a big step, but I do get the chance to stop between them if I so wish. So... that's comforting. I don't need to lose my skin if I absolutely don't want to. Hell, if for some reason I didn't like the result--hah, I immensely doubt that would be the case--I bet the neophallus could be removed from the area. But I am rather certain I would never want such a thing done. Oh, never. Never never. No, once there's something there, I need it to stay. That's too... that's too much of a move forward. I could never come back. I would be too happy.
Do I have any other concerns? Hmm, fluids. The urethra would be connected in at some point; would it keep its abilities? I like what my body can do now in that regard. I don't want to lose that. It's... it's a boon.
There's always the pain, too. My last surgery was hell because the pain meds didn't work. None of them. I don't know how I could go figuring out which ones do, which ones won't conflict with my other meds. I think there was one that brought the pain down like, half a point, tops. That was better than nothing so I took them, but I was still in agony.
Huh. Though I wonder how numb the receptive site will be. The nerves may take some time to heal and start hurting later. It could be that the ARM is the most painful area. Oh... wait. The... the catheter. No, that will probably be the most painful thing. The catheter will probably be mortifyingly atrociously painful. As they always are. Yeah... ouch. Catheters. My body can't stand them. Though I guess if you had one in it wouldn't be as painful following some healing. Maybe. ...I think, and then I remember having one put in as a child when I was not injured in the area and it was exceptionally painful. Though there were reasons for that pain. Reasons I don't have to worry about presently, but that I may have to deal with following surgery. -_-
So. Various concerns. But also... there is so much to be gained. Imagine. Being able to exist just as a living creature. Just an animal. A creature of the world. Existing physically instead of just in thought. That... that is sensational. Gather up these little pieces and make them into a whole being. Please. I have bits to spare. Move them. Move them into the right configuration. I beg of you.
For example, there's a high rate of satisfaction with the surgery, it seems. That's a relief. And sensation is apparently pretty good, especially if the radial forearm flap is used, which is what I'd choose.
One of the things I'm most hesitant about though is the loss of my current external organs. I... I'm attached to my fine nerves. I'm attached to my skin. While these things aren't lost totally, they *do* get buried under the skin of the neo-phallus, where the surfaces of their skin can no longer directly be reached. That's somewhat saddening to me. I know those nerves well. I have made do with them with some success.
But I may be approaching my thoughts about them wrong, at the same time. In my mind I'm thinking, well, if those nerves are buried under my skin, then to touch them will be like touching them with gloves on. But that's not quite the case. Because, well, it'll be *my own skin* against them, not gloves. Not something insensate. It will be more like... well. Probably more like touching through a foreskin. That's hard to imagine, how exactly that might feel. I wonder if there's any way to replicate that potentially. I want to know what I can. Will this be acceptable? I am so accustomed to the surfaces of my own skin. I know where every nerve is. Although... I guess if things changed, relearning the new nerves might be fun, too. Hmm. A little exciting.
Another thing I was briefly worried about was the sensation of the new skin from my forearm. But that won't be a problem, I think. Even now, if I touch my forearm as if it is an intimate piece of me, it can feel incredibly good. I *am* a little concerned the skin is too thin, though. And boy I'm hairy; will I have to get electrolysis first? That seems like the best solution if it doesn't affect the quality of the skin. I'd be embarrassed having to get it after surgery, oof.
It feels like a little bit of a loss that my arm will look all messed up afterwards. Then again, I'm at a point where I'm starting to take pride in looking freaky, so. It may be more a badge of honor. I wonder if I could tattoo the area, as well. Or I could wear pretty gloves like the ones Delkira wears. There are options I'm guessing.
But... yeah. The main concern right now is missing the structures I've already got. I like my skin. It's purpley, what a pretty color. Tan and purpley. It makes me think of plums, of a warm, dusty twilight. Adults in love, quietly reposing in muted gladness as the sun sets. Colors of middle age and the prime of one's life and the ability to think serious thoughts but not being trapped in with them. Freedom and joy. Gazing through fashionable shades tinted tan, at the one you know you love in the pit of your heart even if expressing it is hard. It's... I have a lot of fanciful feelings I suppose. I know it's strange. But some feelings can't quite be put into words so you have to find abstract ways of thinking about them. Even if it doesn't make total sense, you can sketch a caricature of your thoughts in this way at least.
So yes. I am scared of losing what little I have. I do need to remember what I'll gain, though. And... one good thing. Since the surgery is done in stages, the clitoral tissue isn't buried until the second one, and hey, if I really wanted to, I could stop there. I'd get to see how I feel having both the neophallus and my normal tissue at the same time. I could get a better feel for what I wanted. Each step is a big step, but I do get the chance to stop between them if I so wish. So... that's comforting. I don't need to lose my skin if I absolutely don't want to. Hell, if for some reason I didn't like the result--hah, I immensely doubt that would be the case--I bet the neophallus could be removed from the area. But I am rather certain I would never want such a thing done. Oh, never. Never never. No, once there's something there, I need it to stay. That's too... that's too much of a move forward. I could never come back. I would be too happy.
Do I have any other concerns? Hmm, fluids. The urethra would be connected in at some point; would it keep its abilities? I like what my body can do now in that regard. I don't want to lose that. It's... it's a boon.
There's always the pain, too. My last surgery was hell because the pain meds didn't work. None of them. I don't know how I could go figuring out which ones do, which ones won't conflict with my other meds. I think there was one that brought the pain down like, half a point, tops. That was better than nothing so I took them, but I was still in agony.
Huh. Though I wonder how numb the receptive site will be. The nerves may take some time to heal and start hurting later. It could be that the ARM is the most painful area. Oh... wait. The... the catheter. No, that will probably be the most painful thing. The catheter will probably be mortifyingly atrociously painful. As they always are. Yeah... ouch. Catheters. My body can't stand them. Though I guess if you had one in it wouldn't be as painful following some healing. Maybe. ...I think, and then I remember having one put in as a child when I was not injured in the area and it was exceptionally painful. Though there were reasons for that pain. Reasons I don't have to worry about presently, but that I may have to deal with following surgery. -_-
So. Various concerns. But also... there is so much to be gained. Imagine. Being able to exist just as a living creature. Just an animal. A creature of the world. Existing physically instead of just in thought. That... that is sensational. Gather up these little pieces and make them into a whole being. Please. I have bits to spare. Move them. Move them into the right configuration. I beg of you.
