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No going back.
4 years ago
Becoming an atheist can open your eyes to a lot of things. You’re no longer afraid of offending some non-existent deity and so you start to really think and question things. Including that non-existent deity you spent so much of your life fearing and worshiping.
I’m fortunate in that I don’t have many people trying to “save my soul” by bringing me back to religion. But the few who do seem to believe that if they simply could prove god’s existence, I would come running back to him and fall down to beg forgiveness.
Unfortunately for them, my atheism has made it a bit more complicated. To put it bluntly, if there was an actual god, I’d more than likely hate him. If said god was the Christian god I was raised on, then I would definitely hate him.
Because without having to fear his wrath for daring to think, I’ve seen what I really am to god. I’m not his family, I’m not his child, I’m not his sheep.
I’m his goddamn pawn. A puppet to manipulate and toy with so he can brag to another deity about how popular he is. A ego stroke.
What brought me to this view? Well, if all that happens is god’s will, then apparently it was god’s will that I be born with my wires crossed. It was god’s will that I seek goals that would be forever out of my reach because it was also god’s will that I be born messed up. It was god’s will that I be denied dream after dream, goal after goal no matter how good I was or how hard I busted my ass to achieve it. It was god’s will that I spend the rest of my life watching other people achieve my goals without breaking a sweat. And it was god’s will that the best I could do as far as employment was small-time jobs that barely pay enough.
And if god deigned to respond to my pleas for why he’s done this to me, I’d be expected to accept “I am the lord your god!” as the sole answer. Because god can do whatever he wants and too bad if I don’t like it. He is above such petty things as my dreams and hopes. He owes me nothing. Anything I want is completely expendable for the sake of god’s will! I’m supposed to accept whatever miseries he either causes me or allows to happen to me, with nothing but the hope he’ll find it worth his time to “reward” me. And of course, if he decides I need to suffer again, well then who cares how I might feel about it.
Fortunately for those trying to bring me back to the flock, god’s existence can’t be proven and therefore I have no reason to feel the anger and hatred his existence would create in me. And fortunately for me, I don’t have to feel like life is pointless because I’m some deity’s plaything.
I’m fortunate in that I don’t have many people trying to “save my soul” by bringing me back to religion. But the few who do seem to believe that if they simply could prove god’s existence, I would come running back to him and fall down to beg forgiveness.
Unfortunately for them, my atheism has made it a bit more complicated. To put it bluntly, if there was an actual god, I’d more than likely hate him. If said god was the Christian god I was raised on, then I would definitely hate him.
Because without having to fear his wrath for daring to think, I’ve seen what I really am to god. I’m not his family, I’m not his child, I’m not his sheep.
I’m his goddamn pawn. A puppet to manipulate and toy with so he can brag to another deity about how popular he is. A ego stroke.
What brought me to this view? Well, if all that happens is god’s will, then apparently it was god’s will that I be born with my wires crossed. It was god’s will that I seek goals that would be forever out of my reach because it was also god’s will that I be born messed up. It was god’s will that I be denied dream after dream, goal after goal no matter how good I was or how hard I busted my ass to achieve it. It was god’s will that I spend the rest of my life watching other people achieve my goals without breaking a sweat. And it was god’s will that the best I could do as far as employment was small-time jobs that barely pay enough.
And if god deigned to respond to my pleas for why he’s done this to me, I’d be expected to accept “I am the lord your god!” as the sole answer. Because god can do whatever he wants and too bad if I don’t like it. He is above such petty things as my dreams and hopes. He owes me nothing. Anything I want is completely expendable for the sake of god’s will! I’m supposed to accept whatever miseries he either causes me or allows to happen to me, with nothing but the hope he’ll find it worth his time to “reward” me. And of course, if he decides I need to suffer again, well then who cares how I might feel about it.
Fortunately for those trying to bring me back to the flock, god’s existence can’t be proven and therefore I have no reason to feel the anger and hatred his existence would create in me. And fortunately for me, I don’t have to feel like life is pointless because I’m some deity’s plaything.
