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I deserve to grow up, too
4 years ago
General
I can move forward. I feel... I feel like I never properly grew up because I haven't completed transition. I've been through puberty three times now, but none of them were complete. My body never totally grew. And I'm still stuck behind that last hurdle. Now I'm straining against it. I can't stay here. I can't stay where I am. I feel infantile. I am an adolescent who hasn't moved forward. My head hasn't moved past adolescence because my body has not. I can't keep saying I'm ready; I have to move forward physically. Words aren't anything. They're a waste of time. No one will hear me say I'm ready. It's all in my head. Take your hands and move something.
I reflected, last night, about something involving sexuality. I realized, in a lot of my fantasies, I'm focused around "this is the first time this character has had an encounter like this." And I realized... I think... I think I feel like I haven't had my first encounters?? Still??
And that's because... I feel like I still don't have my body. I am still aching to begin that part of my life. Technically I have touched and been touched. Technically I have been physically intimate with others. And yet... I don't feel... I don't feel like my body has done that. Someone else's body did that. Someone near me, but not me. I do not have a body to be intimate with.
I am still aching for those first experiences with a body that contains me and is mine.
Boy, dysphoria is a beast. Who'd have thought I'd end up in my thirties still feeling like I was locked behind puberty. Having experienced a puberty equivalent three times, no less. Am I a child? I guess... well. I guess the downsides of top surgery and a hysterectomy mean, technically, in certain ways I exist now in a state that I associate with childhood. My body is more like how it was before I went through my first puberty. And since dysphoria plus executive dysfunction have made it so my more intimate areas feel like they don't even exist, well... isn't that kind of how it felt when I was a child, too? It is. It totally is. I knew the name for those parts but they were nothings, like they are now. Huh. I wonder if, unknowingly, I actually had dysphoria about it when I was a child, and just didn't have the awareness to recognize it. I mean... do most young people feel like part of their bodies is nothing??? I have no idea. Is that... is that strange? I mean in media and stuff you hear about kids being curious and all. I always thought that was made up, because I never had any experiences like that. Because it was like part--hell, most--of my body felt nonexistent.
Huh. I never thought about that.
Hm. Whatever it means. Whatever it means, the truth is, I feel stuck behind puberty. You hear about how adults feel like kids in their minds still just with a better facade up, right? Well I guess I have something like that going on not only in my head, but with my body, too. It's like I have secretly never grown. It is tearing me apart. It's hard to fit in anywhere when you feel like this. Like ah yes, hello fellow adults, I too have grown up!! Look at me all grown! I can have relationships like you! I can be among your kind!
Haha. I hate it. I am furious to be stuck here. I can't believe I never got furious before this year. I should have been seething. I guess I was in too much pain to get here. I don't deserve any more time stuck in this place. I deserve to grow up, too.
Yes. I deserve to grow up, too.
I reflected, last night, about something involving sexuality. I realized, in a lot of my fantasies, I'm focused around "this is the first time this character has had an encounter like this." And I realized... I think... I think I feel like I haven't had my first encounters?? Still??
And that's because... I feel like I still don't have my body. I am still aching to begin that part of my life. Technically I have touched and been touched. Technically I have been physically intimate with others. And yet... I don't feel... I don't feel like my body has done that. Someone else's body did that. Someone near me, but not me. I do not have a body to be intimate with.
I am still aching for those first experiences with a body that contains me and is mine.
Boy, dysphoria is a beast. Who'd have thought I'd end up in my thirties still feeling like I was locked behind puberty. Having experienced a puberty equivalent three times, no less. Am I a child? I guess... well. I guess the downsides of top surgery and a hysterectomy mean, technically, in certain ways I exist now in a state that I associate with childhood. My body is more like how it was before I went through my first puberty. And since dysphoria plus executive dysfunction have made it so my more intimate areas feel like they don't even exist, well... isn't that kind of how it felt when I was a child, too? It is. It totally is. I knew the name for those parts but they were nothings, like they are now. Huh. I wonder if, unknowingly, I actually had dysphoria about it when I was a child, and just didn't have the awareness to recognize it. I mean... do most young people feel like part of their bodies is nothing??? I have no idea. Is that... is that strange? I mean in media and stuff you hear about kids being curious and all. I always thought that was made up, because I never had any experiences like that. Because it was like part--hell, most--of my body felt nonexistent.
Huh. I never thought about that.
Hm. Whatever it means. Whatever it means, the truth is, I feel stuck behind puberty. You hear about how adults feel like kids in their minds still just with a better facade up, right? Well I guess I have something like that going on not only in my head, but with my body, too. It's like I have secretly never grown. It is tearing me apart. It's hard to fit in anywhere when you feel like this. Like ah yes, hello fellow adults, I too have grown up!! Look at me all grown! I can have relationships like you! I can be among your kind!
Haha. I hate it. I am furious to be stuck here. I can't believe I never got furious before this year. I should have been seething. I guess I was in too much pain to get here. I don't deserve any more time stuck in this place. I deserve to grow up, too.
Yes. I deserve to grow up, too.
