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Just feeling ouch.
4 years ago
General
Uff. It's been a hard day.
I guess there's not much more that I can say than I've already said. I just kind of want to scream it at other people but I know I shouldn't, so I came here to type a little.
I'm feeling so bad about not having gotten to had the experiences as other people. I deserved to have people tell me I was lovable and that I deserved to pursue relationships and get in trouble and all that other crap that young folks get to do. Now here I am nearly 31 and I am finally finally waking up and realizing that I deserve to prioritize feeling good. That I should feel allowed to do the same things other adults do. I am an adult creature. But... but...
As I explained it to my fiance. I feel like I am not on the "child" screen. But I am also not on the "adult" screen. I am on the "error" screen. Not able to fully grow up but definitely not a child, either. My brain grew but my body didn't. Christ, I'm like... like a vampire who was turned as a child. Shit. Fuck. Isn't that like what I am? Fuck. Wasn't there an Anne Rice book with that? I think her name was Claudia... ugh. I don't remember anything about that book anymore.
Yeah. Damn. I feel like I'm stuck there.
Ugh.
I've been feeling pretty despairing today. I and my fiance talked when she saw I was really sad, and I cried. I'm glad she's understanding. She understands better now. I am so regretful. I... I deserve to live my life. Every day I don't feel alive I feel dead. This sentiment of not growing up, of not getting to experience real adult relationships, is scraping at me inside all the time now. My head. My heart. The inside of my stomach. I can't listen to much music right now because it makes me so sad. Especially a few songs... ugh. I kind of wish I'd never ever heard Night Moves because that one just kills me. It KILLS me. Ouch. People can live like that? Just... enjoying themselves? Young people get to do that? How... how lucky. How lucky how blessed how utterly fucking amazing it must be to get to just have your own body and use it. Fucking hell.
I'm sad. I want to live. I am a beast, nothing but a beast. I am a head in a jar that knows it was once a beast and has all the longings of a beast.
Ouch.
I guess there's not much more that I can say than I've already said. I just kind of want to scream it at other people but I know I shouldn't, so I came here to type a little.
I'm feeling so bad about not having gotten to had the experiences as other people. I deserved to have people tell me I was lovable and that I deserved to pursue relationships and get in trouble and all that other crap that young folks get to do. Now here I am nearly 31 and I am finally finally waking up and realizing that I deserve to prioritize feeling good. That I should feel allowed to do the same things other adults do. I am an adult creature. But... but...
As I explained it to my fiance. I feel like I am not on the "child" screen. But I am also not on the "adult" screen. I am on the "error" screen. Not able to fully grow up but definitely not a child, either. My brain grew but my body didn't. Christ, I'm like... like a vampire who was turned as a child. Shit. Fuck. Isn't that like what I am? Fuck. Wasn't there an Anne Rice book with that? I think her name was Claudia... ugh. I don't remember anything about that book anymore.
Yeah. Damn. I feel like I'm stuck there.
Ugh.
I've been feeling pretty despairing today. I and my fiance talked when she saw I was really sad, and I cried. I'm glad she's understanding. She understands better now. I am so regretful. I... I deserve to live my life. Every day I don't feel alive I feel dead. This sentiment of not growing up, of not getting to experience real adult relationships, is scraping at me inside all the time now. My head. My heart. The inside of my stomach. I can't listen to much music right now because it makes me so sad. Especially a few songs... ugh. I kind of wish I'd never ever heard Night Moves because that one just kills me. It KILLS me. Ouch. People can live like that? Just... enjoying themselves? Young people get to do that? How... how lucky. How lucky how blessed how utterly fucking amazing it must be to get to just have your own body and use it. Fucking hell.
I'm sad. I want to live. I am a beast, nothing but a beast. I am a head in a jar that knows it was once a beast and has all the longings of a beast.
Ouch.
