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I know I seemed excited, but... I quit that job. :( Read on.
Posted 14 years agoOkay, guys.
I know a lot of you said you respected me for getting my tears out and going back and trying again, but after it happened 10+ times, I realized:
-I can't work in a place where I have been poorly trained and thrust onto phone calls where I have to sit in silence for 15 minutes struggling to get an answer and am making the company look like it hires idiots. The people that are there to help us are spread so thin that we literally were left going "uh... please keep holding on, I'm trying to get an answer from someone else" on every single call.
-I was having what could be very close to an anxiety attack on even simple e-mail setup calls, which I can do backwards and forwards and with my eyes shut -- I was getting close to hyperventilating at times.
-I am pretty sure I need medication for anxiety if I am going to do a job that requires that level of interaction with people in such a fast-paced environment.
I'm not like that with my art clients. Here, you guys see me as a professional who has some level of skill and the dynamic between us is one of respect and generally a pleasing exchange for everybody. But in that job, I was completely unprepared and it wasn't getting any better... so, every day, I was being put on the defensive and never given the tools with which to make things better.
I spent 4 hours last night reading all the things I needed to know to get better at my job, and within the first two hours on my next shift, I had already accidentally hung up on 3 people (we were never taught how to use the phones and I couldn't get anyone to teach me) and encountered THREE more scenarios I was never taught to deal with. There just is not enough information in the company's resources to teach me how to do everything I needed to learn how to do. Four hours a night, every night, on my OWN TIME and not getting paid for it, should have been enough to teach me, but it wasn't, and after enough repeats of the "study all night for inevitable situations... encounter yet more situations I am not prepared for" cycle, I was done.
At best, I should have been in training with a mentor for another two weeks. I literally started training and was on the phones the next week, even though I knew nothing about DSL yet. I'm not kidding. I appreciate and am really proud of everyone who can step in and do that job and learn it and get to where they're comfortable, and I am in NO way saying it's impossible -- hard, frustrating, but far from impossible. It's just, I realize now that for a person like me, it was never going to happen the way I hoped it would.
I feel bad for my trainers and for my team mates, but better that I get out of their hair now and get back to my normal life. I can work harder to make money and become a better artist, especially now that I understand the benefits of keeping a regular sleep/work schedule, and now that I appreciate what I had so much more.
I hope this doesn't make me sound like a spoiled, selfish brat. I was grateful I got the job; I just don't think I was ever going to be good enough, and while I appreciate the faith they had in me, I'm so much happier now that I've quit.
More importantly, now I appreciate what I had before, so much more, and I will respect it.
So, I apologize for not being able to be a great role-model in this situation... but I did learn something important from all of this, and I am going to shore up my work ethic and respect what I already have.
x.o.
HD
I know a lot of you said you respected me for getting my tears out and going back and trying again, but after it happened 10+ times, I realized:
-I can't work in a place where I have been poorly trained and thrust onto phone calls where I have to sit in silence for 15 minutes struggling to get an answer and am making the company look like it hires idiots. The people that are there to help us are spread so thin that we literally were left going "uh... please keep holding on, I'm trying to get an answer from someone else" on every single call.
-I was having what could be very close to an anxiety attack on even simple e-mail setup calls, which I can do backwards and forwards and with my eyes shut -- I was getting close to hyperventilating at times.
-I am pretty sure I need medication for anxiety if I am going to do a job that requires that level of interaction with people in such a fast-paced environment.
I'm not like that with my art clients. Here, you guys see me as a professional who has some level of skill and the dynamic between us is one of respect and generally a pleasing exchange for everybody. But in that job, I was completely unprepared and it wasn't getting any better... so, every day, I was being put on the defensive and never given the tools with which to make things better.
I spent 4 hours last night reading all the things I needed to know to get better at my job, and within the first two hours on my next shift, I had already accidentally hung up on 3 people (we were never taught how to use the phones and I couldn't get anyone to teach me) and encountered THREE more scenarios I was never taught to deal with. There just is not enough information in the company's resources to teach me how to do everything I needed to learn how to do. Four hours a night, every night, on my OWN TIME and not getting paid for it, should have been enough to teach me, but it wasn't, and after enough repeats of the "study all night for inevitable situations... encounter yet more situations I am not prepared for" cycle, I was done.
At best, I should have been in training with a mentor for another two weeks. I literally started training and was on the phones the next week, even though I knew nothing about DSL yet. I'm not kidding. I appreciate and am really proud of everyone who can step in and do that job and learn it and get to where they're comfortable, and I am in NO way saying it's impossible -- hard, frustrating, but far from impossible. It's just, I realize now that for a person like me, it was never going to happen the way I hoped it would.
I feel bad for my trainers and for my team mates, but better that I get out of their hair now and get back to my normal life. I can work harder to make money and become a better artist, especially now that I understand the benefits of keeping a regular sleep/work schedule, and now that I appreciate what I had so much more.
I hope this doesn't make me sound like a spoiled, selfish brat. I was grateful I got the job; I just don't think I was ever going to be good enough, and while I appreciate the faith they had in me, I'm so much happier now that I've quit.
More importantly, now I appreciate what I had before, so much more, and I will respect it.
So, I apologize for not being able to be a great role-model in this situation... but I did learn something important from all of this, and I am going to shore up my work ethic and respect what I already have.
x.o.
HD
Sleepytime Journal #9
Posted 14 years agoTen things I'm grateful for today:
-I'm grateful that a certain someone has always been so fair and understanding that, when he is capable of getting truly angry at me for reasons I deserve, I am able to accept his anger as something he's earned and not something I have to suffer through unfairly. I'm grateful that he has the ability, even when really, really pissed off, to "shut it down" until cooler heads prevail. I feel terrible, but such situations are humbling, and a learning experience for me.
-I'm grateful that I felt well enough today to take care of business and prepare for starting my job tomorrow. (I make it sound like I'm sickly -- it's not for any reasons that I don't bring on myself, trust me.)
-I'm grateful that I got to spend my calm time between work-related tasks reading lecture notes on a "Problems of Philosophy" course from MIT's OpenCourse site. It's brought up a lot of thought provoking questions.
-Related: I'm grateful that Cory and I were able to have a ten-minute exchange before he went to sleep -- trying to find a term for the common reaction of people in the status quo to behave irrationally in the face of threats to their majority privileges. It was an interesting discussion, and it just makes me want to read more about philosophy, sociology, and psychology.
-I'm grateful that the argument that spawned #1 is the only really bad thing that happened today. I guess that's not too happy a thought, but I try to see the silver lining, even when the cloud is made up of my own screw-ups.
-I'm grateful that I should at least be capable of getting a decent amount of sleep before work tomorrow. Sometimes I don't time things well, but it worked out.
-I'm grateful for my knitting needles. I'm not great with them, but when I need to busy my hands and clear my mind, it works.
-I'm grateful for how reasonable the folks at the LJ community "Artists Beware!" are. It gives me a lot of faith in the community, and makes me want to be a more professional person.
-I'm grateful that a close friend on FA (one of the maybe four people I ever have time to talk to) designed a character to be Naoki's personal assistant. It seems frivolous and silly, but it was cute, and she came out looking exactly how I pictured her without ever hearing a description.
-I'm glad the aforementioned friend is there to be the reasonable, way-too-wise-to-be-a-teenager rock I can lean on when I need to beat myself up for a while. :)
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
See #1.
One nice thing I did for someone else today:
My friend from the amateur VAing days (who went pro a little while after I did) needed "someone with an awesome voice" to record a last-minute set of lines for a college project. And I mean, last minute, like 6 PM tomorrow. She threw me the script, I recorded them for her (23 of them!). Only took an hour, but she said I saved her ass. I told her I was only doing it to fill this portion of the journal today! Haha. But she deserved it, and I felt bad for her. I'm still not sure why she didn't just record them herself! I guess she's just a shrewd and choosy director.
-I'm grateful that a certain someone has always been so fair and understanding that, when he is capable of getting truly angry at me for reasons I deserve, I am able to accept his anger as something he's earned and not something I have to suffer through unfairly. I'm grateful that he has the ability, even when really, really pissed off, to "shut it down" until cooler heads prevail. I feel terrible, but such situations are humbling, and a learning experience for me.
-I'm grateful that I felt well enough today to take care of business and prepare for starting my job tomorrow. (I make it sound like I'm sickly -- it's not for any reasons that I don't bring on myself, trust me.)
-I'm grateful that I got to spend my calm time between work-related tasks reading lecture notes on a "Problems of Philosophy" course from MIT's OpenCourse site. It's brought up a lot of thought provoking questions.
-Related: I'm grateful that Cory and I were able to have a ten-minute exchange before he went to sleep -- trying to find a term for the common reaction of people in the status quo to behave irrationally in the face of threats to their majority privileges. It was an interesting discussion, and it just makes me want to read more about philosophy, sociology, and psychology.
-I'm grateful that the argument that spawned #1 is the only really bad thing that happened today. I guess that's not too happy a thought, but I try to see the silver lining, even when the cloud is made up of my own screw-ups.
-I'm grateful that I should at least be capable of getting a decent amount of sleep before work tomorrow. Sometimes I don't time things well, but it worked out.
-I'm grateful for my knitting needles. I'm not great with them, but when I need to busy my hands and clear my mind, it works.
-I'm grateful for how reasonable the folks at the LJ community "Artists Beware!" are. It gives me a lot of faith in the community, and makes me want to be a more professional person.
-I'm grateful that a close friend on FA (one of the maybe four people I ever have time to talk to) designed a character to be Naoki's personal assistant. It seems frivolous and silly, but it was cute, and she came out looking exactly how I pictured her without ever hearing a description.
-I'm glad the aforementioned friend is there to be the reasonable, way-too-wise-to-be-a-teenager rock I can lean on when I need to beat myself up for a while. :)
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
See #1.
One nice thing I did for someone else today:
My friend from the amateur VAing days (who went pro a little while after I did) needed "someone with an awesome voice" to record a last-minute set of lines for a college project. And I mean, last minute, like 6 PM tomorrow. She threw me the script, I recorded them for her (23 of them!). Only took an hour, but she said I saved her ass. I told her I was only doing it to fill this portion of the journal today! Haha. But she deserved it, and I felt bad for her. I'm still not sure why she didn't just record them herself! I guess she's just a shrewd and choosy director.
Sleepytime Journal #8
Posted 14 years agoSleepytime journal #8
Ten things I'm grateful for today:
-I got to hear one of my gliders barking this morning! It surprised me, at first, because I hadn't heard it yet and I got a little worried. Turns out it was just Echo wanting to know where I was! I was so touched... since they still seem wary of me at times, to see that she wanted me to come over to the cage and talk so she could go back to sleep (maybe she had a bad dream?) was really sweet.
-I realized that instead of trying to get a new monitor for my laptop (to have dual screen over here, as well), for work, I can turn this little 15" plasma Cory and I used to have in our room that's just been sitting here doing nothing into a monitor! Just need an extra HDMI cable. So that'll be fantastic, and easy to remove if I still need to move the laptop temporarily.
-The other night, my old friend Van and I were reminiscing about our amateur VA days when we were still in our late teens. We realized that THAT was "our high school" -- back when the internet was SO tiny, and everyone was so tight even though it's a miracle we all found each other. There was drama, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Ah, back when we had to send raw .wav files over dial-up, back when every dubbed clip was 30 seconds long or no one would bother taking like 10 hours to download it! Haha! We ACTUALLY discussed the first time either of us downloaded and listened to an .mp3 on Winamp and were like, "holy shit what is this magic?!"
-On a related note, Van hooked me up with several of those people on Facebook -- folks I hadn't spoken to in like, ten years. And I did the same for him, which was great. He reminded me of old friends I had completely forgotten I'd been close to! Unfortunately, it's awakened the great "must still find so-and-so" bug in me, and I'm not very good at hunting people down. :D
-I did a little tidying and re-arranging in the office. I'm trying to do a little each day instead of tackling it all at once, but I want to throw out or donate absolutely anything that isn't vital to my present or near future's existence, and enjoy a more focused work setup.
-On THAT note, I realized if I can somehow find a decent, desk-sized mirror, I can put it on the wall I face to really open the room up... and I think that will do wonders for me!
-I feel a lot happier, in general, each day. The note-keeping thing is really helping with my ADD. I mean, crazy-helping. All my present focus is actually on whatever I need to focus on instead of subconsciously worrying about things I need to remember. It's not a cure, exactly, but it sure as heck helps, and that's made a drastic improvement in my overall mood.
-Again... I have a roof over my head, no signs of horrible, impending medical problems (at least nothing too uncommon), an awesome soulmate, and can live comfortably without starving. I think it's important to count those blessings when I can. My best friend has warned me that too much blessing-counting can lead to repression of much-needed release of fear or anger, but I try to keep it in check.
-I am grateful that I'm not a sparkledog attention-ho. (No! That's not a dig at anyone in particular! I'm just glad I'm not. I think.)
-I'm grateful that we're cooking on the grill so much thanks to the weather. I honestly could eat hamburgers every other day. It's not great for me, but I keep it simple and there's nothing else, so... :D I'm gonna enjoy it before it gets so hot no one wants to stand out there. Also, mosquitos. But I just found out you can do a slow burn on those paper-board coffee carriers and egg cartons and it weirdly repels mosquitos for like, an hour. That's better than anything else I've tried!
One nice thing someone did for me today:
Okay, again, REALLY didn't talk to anyone. Like, at all. LOL. Some days I'm, well, not anti-social, but I like my office.
One nice thing I did for someone else:
...see above. I need to make a list of nice things I can do for someone every day and use it, damnit. Suggestions!
-HD
Ten things I'm grateful for today:
-I got to hear one of my gliders barking this morning! It surprised me, at first, because I hadn't heard it yet and I got a little worried. Turns out it was just Echo wanting to know where I was! I was so touched... since they still seem wary of me at times, to see that she wanted me to come over to the cage and talk so she could go back to sleep (maybe she had a bad dream?) was really sweet.
-I realized that instead of trying to get a new monitor for my laptop (to have dual screen over here, as well), for work, I can turn this little 15" plasma Cory and I used to have in our room that's just been sitting here doing nothing into a monitor! Just need an extra HDMI cable. So that'll be fantastic, and easy to remove if I still need to move the laptop temporarily.
-The other night, my old friend Van and I were reminiscing about our amateur VA days when we were still in our late teens. We realized that THAT was "our high school" -- back when the internet was SO tiny, and everyone was so tight even though it's a miracle we all found each other. There was drama, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Ah, back when we had to send raw .wav files over dial-up, back when every dubbed clip was 30 seconds long or no one would bother taking like 10 hours to download it! Haha! We ACTUALLY discussed the first time either of us downloaded and listened to an .mp3 on Winamp and were like, "holy shit what is this magic?!"
-On a related note, Van hooked me up with several of those people on Facebook -- folks I hadn't spoken to in like, ten years. And I did the same for him, which was great. He reminded me of old friends I had completely forgotten I'd been close to! Unfortunately, it's awakened the great "must still find so-and-so" bug in me, and I'm not very good at hunting people down. :D
-I did a little tidying and re-arranging in the office. I'm trying to do a little each day instead of tackling it all at once, but I want to throw out or donate absolutely anything that isn't vital to my present or near future's existence, and enjoy a more focused work setup.
-On THAT note, I realized if I can somehow find a decent, desk-sized mirror, I can put it on the wall I face to really open the room up... and I think that will do wonders for me!
-I feel a lot happier, in general, each day. The note-keeping thing is really helping with my ADD. I mean, crazy-helping. All my present focus is actually on whatever I need to focus on instead of subconsciously worrying about things I need to remember. It's not a cure, exactly, but it sure as heck helps, and that's made a drastic improvement in my overall mood.
-Again... I have a roof over my head, no signs of horrible, impending medical problems (at least nothing too uncommon), an awesome soulmate, and can live comfortably without starving. I think it's important to count those blessings when I can. My best friend has warned me that too much blessing-counting can lead to repression of much-needed release of fear or anger, but I try to keep it in check.
-I am grateful that I'm not a sparkledog attention-ho. (No! That's not a dig at anyone in particular! I'm just glad I'm not. I think.)
-I'm grateful that we're cooking on the grill so much thanks to the weather. I honestly could eat hamburgers every other day. It's not great for me, but I keep it simple and there's nothing else, so... :D I'm gonna enjoy it before it gets so hot no one wants to stand out there. Also, mosquitos. But I just found out you can do a slow burn on those paper-board coffee carriers and egg cartons and it weirdly repels mosquitos for like, an hour. That's better than anything else I've tried!
One nice thing someone did for me today:
Okay, again, REALLY didn't talk to anyone. Like, at all. LOL. Some days I'm, well, not anti-social, but I like my office.
One nice thing I did for someone else:
...see above. I need to make a list of nice things I can do for someone every day and use it, damnit. Suggestions!
-HD
Sleepytime Journal #7
Posted 14 years agoSleepytime journal #7
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-
limecustard got her wedding dress and really seems to like it. And like a sweetie, she offered it to me to have it tailored to me if and when Cory and I ever have a legitimate ceremony. That was really kind of her. But I can't wait to see it on her, really. It sounds very pretty.
-Getting my birth facts certificate (needed it for new job) was very easy. Yes, I had to get up at 6:45 AM when I went to bed at 1:30 AM, and I was exhausted and miserable for most of the day, but getting there that damn early means there's pretty much no one there, and nothing terrible happened.
-I finally got done drawing for those raffle sketches for the last 3 months I missed! I can't believe I forgot for so long. <3 I love everyone on my list, but I'm excited to reward everybody for their responses.
-I read a book about the GTD method (getting things done) that hasn't done so much for me in the actual time management department in the way it teaches (it's mostly for "work" projects and people who struggle with multiple projects at their office jobs), but it taught me something REALLY valuable that has absolutely saved my sanity and turned me from panicky and anxious to blissful in the face of adversity: our brains have long-term memory and short-term memory, obviously, but the latter is exactly like RAM: we can only store so much, and unless we file away important thoughts or needs in a reliable, organized place, things will subconsciously bug us and take away our focus. Once I learned this and put certain methods to use, not only did I feel more organized, I felt free to not stress about anything that had been hovering so long at the back of my mind. It's really true -- if you have a system and you trust it, filing away every thought (no matter how seemingly insignificant) keeps that RAM clear and leaves you free to ABSOLUTELY FOCUS on whatever task you have at hand. I seriously feel like I'm on anti-depressants. It's fucking amazing.
-On that note, I got absolutely every little thing I need to have recorded in Evernote. Every stray .txt file, every OneNote notebook, every snippet of writing, To Do list, bill, plan, commission reference, record, etc., all filed appropriately and tagged with easily accessible and searchable context. With all of that squirreled away, and knowing I have it tucked away safely, my brain has been absolutely free to pick one thing and focus on it 100%. No insecurities, no worries, no doubts. If I have an idea, remember something I need to buy, realize there's a bill I haven't paid, it goes into the file and out of my "RAM". And I go right back to the task at hand. It's one of those things you really can't understand until you've experienced it, but I seriously recommend you do the same. Do one hour of Googling on "GTD" and "Evernote". It will change the way you live. If a spaz like me can say that... you get what I'm saying. ESPECIALLY if you are an artist who struggles with keeping up with notes about their commissioners. Evernote will save your life. No more digging through FA notes trying to find the one that contains that one guy's reference links. Just trust me.
-Even though I got barely six hours of sleep and got up at 6:45, here I am, and I'm feeling pretty decent. This is a good sign. I didn't exactly leap back into art today, but I organized the SHIT out of my life, and that bodes well for everybody who's got any connection with me.
-My Cadbury eggs this season, so far, haven't been disgusting. (That one's for you,
orange04.)
-Topher and Echo ate their carrots last night. I guess they're just picky on SOME days!
-I had two novel ideas today. Neither are amazing, someday-best-sellers, but both were interesting enough to keep coming back to me, and writing them down and filing them away felt good. Knowing they're there, waiting for the right day, is really comforting.
-I got to have a smoothie from Jamba Juice today. :D A little thing, but when you're dying from lack of sleep and stressed from running around town, it's really more awesome than you realize til you're enjoying it.
Bonus:
-I got approved for a dinky little credit card. A small victory. I manage these things well, but only recently have I figured out (through intense Googling and research) how to make things like that happen.
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
limecustard got herself up at the ass-crack of dawn to come pick me up and take me to pick up a new birth certificate, even though right now she's stressing over getting prepared for a very-soon-wedding for which she has had little time to prepare. It was nice to see her again, and even though I was tired, she really saved my ass at the last minute (I needed it by Wednesday and we have no car) and I was really, really appreciative. She never fails to come through, and I hope someday I can return the favor.
One nice thing I did for someone else today:
I picked up the tab at breakfast while she was in the restroom! Bahahah! Sniped!
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-
limecustard got her wedding dress and really seems to like it. And like a sweetie, she offered it to me to have it tailored to me if and when Cory and I ever have a legitimate ceremony. That was really kind of her. But I can't wait to see it on her, really. It sounds very pretty.-Getting my birth facts certificate (needed it for new job) was very easy. Yes, I had to get up at 6:45 AM when I went to bed at 1:30 AM, and I was exhausted and miserable for most of the day, but getting there that damn early means there's pretty much no one there, and nothing terrible happened.
-I finally got done drawing for those raffle sketches for the last 3 months I missed! I can't believe I forgot for so long. <3 I love everyone on my list, but I'm excited to reward everybody for their responses.
-I read a book about the GTD method (getting things done) that hasn't done so much for me in the actual time management department in the way it teaches (it's mostly for "work" projects and people who struggle with multiple projects at their office jobs), but it taught me something REALLY valuable that has absolutely saved my sanity and turned me from panicky and anxious to blissful in the face of adversity: our brains have long-term memory and short-term memory, obviously, but the latter is exactly like RAM: we can only store so much, and unless we file away important thoughts or needs in a reliable, organized place, things will subconsciously bug us and take away our focus. Once I learned this and put certain methods to use, not only did I feel more organized, I felt free to not stress about anything that had been hovering so long at the back of my mind. It's really true -- if you have a system and you trust it, filing away every thought (no matter how seemingly insignificant) keeps that RAM clear and leaves you free to ABSOLUTELY FOCUS on whatever task you have at hand. I seriously feel like I'm on anti-depressants. It's fucking amazing.
-On that note, I got absolutely every little thing I need to have recorded in Evernote. Every stray .txt file, every OneNote notebook, every snippet of writing, To Do list, bill, plan, commission reference, record, etc., all filed appropriately and tagged with easily accessible and searchable context. With all of that squirreled away, and knowing I have it tucked away safely, my brain has been absolutely free to pick one thing and focus on it 100%. No insecurities, no worries, no doubts. If I have an idea, remember something I need to buy, realize there's a bill I haven't paid, it goes into the file and out of my "RAM". And I go right back to the task at hand. It's one of those things you really can't understand until you've experienced it, but I seriously recommend you do the same. Do one hour of Googling on "GTD" and "Evernote". It will change the way you live. If a spaz like me can say that... you get what I'm saying. ESPECIALLY if you are an artist who struggles with keeping up with notes about their commissioners. Evernote will save your life. No more digging through FA notes trying to find the one that contains that one guy's reference links. Just trust me.
-Even though I got barely six hours of sleep and got up at 6:45, here I am, and I'm feeling pretty decent. This is a good sign. I didn't exactly leap back into art today, but I organized the SHIT out of my life, and that bodes well for everybody who's got any connection with me.
-My Cadbury eggs this season, so far, haven't been disgusting. (That one's for you,
orange04.)-Topher and Echo ate their carrots last night. I guess they're just picky on SOME days!
-I had two novel ideas today. Neither are amazing, someday-best-sellers, but both were interesting enough to keep coming back to me, and writing them down and filing them away felt good. Knowing they're there, waiting for the right day, is really comforting.
-I got to have a smoothie from Jamba Juice today. :D A little thing, but when you're dying from lack of sleep and stressed from running around town, it's really more awesome than you realize til you're enjoying it.
Bonus:
-I got approved for a dinky little credit card. A small victory. I manage these things well, but only recently have I figured out (through intense Googling and research) how to make things like that happen.
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
limecustard got herself up at the ass-crack of dawn to come pick me up and take me to pick up a new birth certificate, even though right now she's stressing over getting prepared for a very-soon-wedding for which she has had little time to prepare. It was nice to see her again, and even though I was tired, she really saved my ass at the last minute (I needed it by Wednesday and we have no car) and I was really, really appreciative. She never fails to come through, and I hope someday I can return the favor.One nice thing I did for someone else today:
I picked up the tab at breakfast while she was in the restroom! Bahahah! Sniped!
★ Commission Docket & FAQ ★
Posted 14 years agoSCROLL DOWN FOR THE FAQ! :D
The following is my current commission list. If a name has "reserved" after it, it means that they have paid $5 to have their slot reserved and they will be given a progress bar once they've paid in full; but their piece will be worked around in the queue until they finish payment.
If you are on this list: Feel free to e-mail me at ANY time to inquire about your commission. (You may Note/PM me, but please keep in mind that I may not see it for a few days.) Do NOT feel bad about "pestering" me. You are a paying customer; you have every right to ask me how things are going! Just know that if you haven't seen any art, it probably means it doesn't exist yet; you can still ask me what's taking so long, but don't think I've simply forgotten because that really doesn't happen. (I'm obsessively organized.)
About the progress bars:
-10% usually means I've started prelim work but haven't gotten a full sketch completed to send yet.
-25% means a sketch is complete. If you haven't gotten it, I'm not quite ready to send it yet.
-40% and 50% mean inks and flats (on a full color image) are complete, respectively.
-75% means colors are halfway done, or the image is mostly done (if not full-color).
-90%/95% means the pic just needs finishing touches and post-work in Photoshop, or last-minute changes have been requested.
The docket is generally kept loose. I usually only send e-mails after a sketch or final colors are completed. I will send inks for approval if they differ greatly from the sketch they are based on. I will sometimes remove a listing from the docket if I'm having trouble wrapping it up or it's pretty much done but the client hasn't gotten back to me yet (as a full docket means people are less likely to hire me!) :D It doesn't mean a person has lost their slot if they disappear from the docket. You will see the ID# of each commission in the list below, which indicates the order in which the request was received, but a rush job (indicated by a ★) or being put on hold may move its location in the queue.
Notes:
★ RESERVES: Clients may reserve a slot in the queue with a non-refundable $5 deposit which is not a part of the final payment. If your slot comes up and you still haven't paid, I'll move to the next in line until payment has been received.
★ RUSH ORDER: Sometimes you need a rush order! To skip ahead in the queue, pay $5 per slot skipped from the bottom. You may not skip anyone who has already been skipped (indicated by a red x). Reserved slots are subject to the same rule, and can only be legitimately skipped once.
★ Occasionally I just get stuck, and may do a piece ahead of yours because it's simple. You will earn your x if this happens and I will absolutely not allow you to be skipped again. (I try REALLY hard not to do this, but sometimes it's either work on someone else, or get nothing done.)
COMMISSION LIST:
★ - Rush order. Client has paid to skip ahead.
x - This client has already been skipped once, and may not be skipped again.
████████████████████ 25% [ #0194 — reference sheet ] ★ x
████████████████████ 00% [ #0180 — reference sheet ] x
████████████████████ 40% [ #0183 — full-color image ] x
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 00% [ #0189 — slot reserved, taken after full payment ] x
████████████████████ 10% [ #0191 — reference sheet ]x
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 00% [ #0192 — slot reserved, taken after full payment ] x
████████████████████ 00% [ #0195 — full-color image ]x
████████████████████ 00% [ #0197 — full-color image ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0198 — reference sheet ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0199 — reference sheet ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0200 — reference sheet ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0201 — full-color image ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0202 — full-color image ]
Frequently Asked Questions
The following are questions I get asked often:
Q: Are you currently open for commissions?
A: Thank you for your interest! You needn't ask me personally, though. My FA profile, as well as the footer in my FA journal, shows my current commission status and is always updated the moment my status changes.
Q: Do you have any slots left?
A: I don't generally open a certain number of slots, but when I do, I tend to use a single journal to keep track of them. When I do that, it's best if you keep your eyes on the journal rather than asking me in a note.
Q: How much would something like this (example image) cost?
A: Please check my blog's price page for general prices and links to examples. Compare what you have in mind with the examples on the page and you'll get a good idea of what I'd charge for it. I'm still happy to give you an estimate, though.
Q: Where can I find information about your rules, process, and payment information?
A: You can find it all on my blog, linked below.
Q: I have a question I need to ask before I submit your commission request form!
A: That's fine! If you have questions, please use the "Questions?" link on my blog (linked at the bottom of this response).
Q: I know what I want! Here's all the info...
A: If you are ready to submit a request, please use the "Commission Form" on my blog.
Q: Will you draw X, Y, or Z?
A: If you're asking what I won't draw, scat, vore, anything to do with bodily functions or massive gore and evisceration pretty much covers it. But you can still ask. Please see my "rules" page for more, but if it isn't covered, feel free to use the "Questions?" form that you find there. Again, it's all on my blog. Just be specific — don't be shy. I won't judge you, I'll just tell you straight up "yes" or "no". There are some things I may not accept purely because I've done a lot of them lately, or they're too difficult for me without a little practice time, or whatever. So feel free to ask.
Please note that if you PM me asking for links to my blog or any of this information, you'll be sent in a big fat circle right back to my profile and to this FAQ, so please, be respectful and try not to do this. We live in a fast-paced world, but I'm just as busy as you are. ♥
If you have a question aside from this, feel free to contact me via the "Questions?" form on my blog. For additional information, please read the section of links under the heading "Commission Info", found on the right-hand sidebar:
http://holydust.wordpress.com
The following is my current commission list. If a name has "reserved" after it, it means that they have paid $5 to have their slot reserved and they will be given a progress bar once they've paid in full; but their piece will be worked around in the queue until they finish payment.
If you are on this list: Feel free to e-mail me at ANY time to inquire about your commission. (You may Note/PM me, but please keep in mind that I may not see it for a few days.) Do NOT feel bad about "pestering" me. You are a paying customer; you have every right to ask me how things are going! Just know that if you haven't seen any art, it probably means it doesn't exist yet; you can still ask me what's taking so long, but don't think I've simply forgotten because that really doesn't happen. (I'm obsessively organized.)
About the progress bars:
-10% usually means I've started prelim work but haven't gotten a full sketch completed to send yet.
-25% means a sketch is complete. If you haven't gotten it, I'm not quite ready to send it yet.
-40% and 50% mean inks and flats (on a full color image) are complete, respectively.
-75% means colors are halfway done, or the image is mostly done (if not full-color).
-90%/95% means the pic just needs finishing touches and post-work in Photoshop, or last-minute changes have been requested.
The docket is generally kept loose. I usually only send e-mails after a sketch or final colors are completed. I will send inks for approval if they differ greatly from the sketch they are based on. I will sometimes remove a listing from the docket if I'm having trouble wrapping it up or it's pretty much done but the client hasn't gotten back to me yet (as a full docket means people are less likely to hire me!) :D It doesn't mean a person has lost their slot if they disappear from the docket. You will see the ID# of each commission in the list below, which indicates the order in which the request was received, but a rush job (indicated by a ★) or being put on hold may move its location in the queue.
Notes:
★ RESERVES: Clients may reserve a slot in the queue with a non-refundable $5 deposit which is not a part of the final payment. If your slot comes up and you still haven't paid, I'll move to the next in line until payment has been received.
★ RUSH ORDER: Sometimes you need a rush order! To skip ahead in the queue, pay $5 per slot skipped from the bottom. You may not skip anyone who has already been skipped (indicated by a red x). Reserved slots are subject to the same rule, and can only be legitimately skipped once.
★ Occasionally I just get stuck, and may do a piece ahead of yours because it's simple. You will earn your x if this happens and I will absolutely not allow you to be skipped again. (I try REALLY hard not to do this, but sometimes it's either work on someone else, or get nothing done.)
COMMISSION LIST:
★ - Rush order. Client has paid to skip ahead.
x - This client has already been skipped once, and may not be skipped again.
████████████████████ 25% [ #0194 — reference sheet ] ★ x 
████████████████████ 00% [ #0180 — reference sheet ] x ████████████████████ 40% [ #0183 — full-color image ] x
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 00% [ #0189 — slot reserved, taken after full payment ] x 
████████████████████ 10% [ #0191 — reference sheet ]x 
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 00% [ #0192 — slot reserved, taken after full payment ] x 
████████████████████ 00% [ #0195 — full-color image ]x 
████████████████████ 00% [ #0197 — full-color image ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0198 — reference sheet ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0199 — reference sheet ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0200 — reference sheet ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0201 — full-color image ]
████████████████████ 00% [ #0202 — full-color image ]
Frequently Asked Questions
The following are questions I get asked often:
Q: Are you currently open for commissions?
A: Thank you for your interest! You needn't ask me personally, though. My FA profile, as well as the footer in my FA journal, shows my current commission status and is always updated the moment my status changes.
Q: Do you have any slots left?
A: I don't generally open a certain number of slots, but when I do, I tend to use a single journal to keep track of them. When I do that, it's best if you keep your eyes on the journal rather than asking me in a note.
Q: How much would something like this (example image) cost?
A: Please check my blog's price page for general prices and links to examples. Compare what you have in mind with the examples on the page and you'll get a good idea of what I'd charge for it. I'm still happy to give you an estimate, though.
Q: Where can I find information about your rules, process, and payment information?
A: You can find it all on my blog, linked below.
Q: I have a question I need to ask before I submit your commission request form!
A: That's fine! If you have questions, please use the "Questions?" link on my blog (linked at the bottom of this response).
Q: I know what I want! Here's all the info...
A: If you are ready to submit a request, please use the "Commission Form" on my blog.
Q: Will you draw X, Y, or Z?
A: If you're asking what I won't draw, scat, vore, anything to do with bodily functions or massive gore and evisceration pretty much covers it. But you can still ask. Please see my "rules" page for more, but if it isn't covered, feel free to use the "Questions?" form that you find there. Again, it's all on my blog. Just be specific — don't be shy. I won't judge you, I'll just tell you straight up "yes" or "no". There are some things I may not accept purely because I've done a lot of them lately, or they're too difficult for me without a little practice time, or whatever. So feel free to ask.
Please note that if you PM me asking for links to my blog or any of this information, you'll be sent in a big fat circle right back to my profile and to this FAQ, so please, be respectful and try not to do this. We live in a fast-paced world, but I'm just as busy as you are. ♥
If you have a question aside from this, feel free to contact me via the "Questions?" form on my blog. For additional information, please read the section of links under the heading "Commission Info", found on the right-hand sidebar:
http://holydust.wordpress.com
Sleepytime Journal #6
Posted 14 years agoSleepytime journal #6
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-I got that job I was aiming for! I have to do the personal identification and form-filling shuffle now, but I'll be working as a DSL tech support agent right here in my office, at home. :D
-That I did a tech support job for dial-up in the past for a little over a year. It was a while ago, but it's prepared me for a lot of this.
-That I don't have to drive all the way to Austin to get a new copy of some of my documentation. Phew!
-That Lady Gaga actually loves Weird Al's parody of her new song and was just being, as Frenor put it, "cockblocked" by her manager who lied and actually never told her about it. I'm sorry she still has to do damage control, but hopefully that's the start of a wonderful friendship instead of the "saga" everyone worried it would become. And now a lot of money's gonna go to charity, which is great.
-That even though I didn't get much sleep and felt kind of crappy today, I was able to still get a lot of business taken care of.
-All the nifty, dorky tools at my disposal at my new job. They have their own internal version of MySpace, for crying out loud. It's nerdy, but I think it will allow me to actually make friends at the company a lot more easily than I did at my old tech job. Plus, an IM client that lets you contact anyone else on your team and your team leader. A lot nicer than having to put your customer on hold and getting out of your chair to go flag down your supervisor. Technology is awesome!
-That even though I can't sit and watch it when someone else is playing it for too long (I get motion sick, haha), Portal 2 is awesome and GLaDOS is still hilarious. And scary.
-Wheatley. See above.
-Akinator, the Web Genius. http://us.akinator.com/ This site BLOWS MY MIND. He guessed Bristol Palin correctly. My jaw dropped.
-Getting confirmation that Topher has, indeed, been squirreling away plastic bracelets and bringing them into the pouch to sleep with him. "My precioussss!" I think I realize now that his little "through the hoop" acrobat trick was a result of his trying to pull the bracelets off the tree branch. LOL. Watching him full-on dangling from the bracelet, like a trapeze artist, trying to move it closer to the edge of the branch almost floored me laughing.
Bonus from yesterday:
i was working on tightening a loose screw in one of the cage latches while the furbats were asleep. it was a little noisy, so finally, topher pops his head up out of the pouch like a jack-in-the-box and just stares his big, black eyes at me.
i kept working, saying "i'm sorry, i'm sorry!" after a moment he sloooooowly sinks back into the pouch, never taking his eyes off me. so funny i almost fell over laughing.
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
My training manager was nice enough to check for me before she left work for the day to confirm that the documents I needed to get would work, instead of making me wait til tomorrow and losing valuble time.
One nice thing I did for someone else:
I didn't really talk to anyone but Cory today ._. So I didn't really have a chance to. Bah... I cut the gliders' food up into adorable little paw-sized chunks because I love them? Does that count?
Time to try to get sleepy and get some rest. I will need to be on a night-ish schedule but I've hit the wall and can't stay up anymore. :3
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-I got that job I was aiming for! I have to do the personal identification and form-filling shuffle now, but I'll be working as a DSL tech support agent right here in my office, at home. :D
-That I did a tech support job for dial-up in the past for a little over a year. It was a while ago, but it's prepared me for a lot of this.
-That I don't have to drive all the way to Austin to get a new copy of some of my documentation. Phew!
-That Lady Gaga actually loves Weird Al's parody of her new song and was just being, as Frenor put it, "cockblocked" by her manager who lied and actually never told her about it. I'm sorry she still has to do damage control, but hopefully that's the start of a wonderful friendship instead of the "saga" everyone worried it would become. And now a lot of money's gonna go to charity, which is great.
-That even though I didn't get much sleep and felt kind of crappy today, I was able to still get a lot of business taken care of.
-All the nifty, dorky tools at my disposal at my new job. They have their own internal version of MySpace, for crying out loud. It's nerdy, but I think it will allow me to actually make friends at the company a lot more easily than I did at my old tech job. Plus, an IM client that lets you contact anyone else on your team and your team leader. A lot nicer than having to put your customer on hold and getting out of your chair to go flag down your supervisor. Technology is awesome!
-That even though I can't sit and watch it when someone else is playing it for too long (I get motion sick, haha), Portal 2 is awesome and GLaDOS is still hilarious. And scary.
-Wheatley. See above.
-Akinator, the Web Genius. http://us.akinator.com/ This site BLOWS MY MIND. He guessed Bristol Palin correctly. My jaw dropped.
-Getting confirmation that Topher has, indeed, been squirreling away plastic bracelets and bringing them into the pouch to sleep with him. "My precioussss!" I think I realize now that his little "through the hoop" acrobat trick was a result of his trying to pull the bracelets off the tree branch. LOL. Watching him full-on dangling from the bracelet, like a trapeze artist, trying to move it closer to the edge of the branch almost floored me laughing.
Bonus from yesterday:
i was working on tightening a loose screw in one of the cage latches while the furbats were asleep. it was a little noisy, so finally, topher pops his head up out of the pouch like a jack-in-the-box and just stares his big, black eyes at me.
i kept working, saying "i'm sorry, i'm sorry!" after a moment he sloooooowly sinks back into the pouch, never taking his eyes off me. so funny i almost fell over laughing.
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
My training manager was nice enough to check for me before she left work for the day to confirm that the documents I needed to get would work, instead of making me wait til tomorrow and losing valuble time.
One nice thing I did for someone else:
I didn't really talk to anyone but Cory today ._. So I didn't really have a chance to. Bah... I cut the gliders' food up into adorable little paw-sized chunks because I love them? Does that count?
Time to try to get sleepy and get some rest. I will need to be on a night-ish schedule but I've hit the wall and can't stay up anymore. :3
Sleepytime Journal #5
Posted 14 years agoSleepytime journal #5
Ten things I'm grateful for today:
-Again, Echo. My sweet little glider belle. <3 I never imagined when she got substituted for the other male glider by my breeder that she'd wind up charming me so much after I fell in love with her brother, but she is truly working her way into my heart.
-All the other weird pet owners on FA who've offered me their advice.
-That I haven't exactly heard a "no" in my job search yet... I guess that's optimistic, but that's the aim, here.
-That our water filter in the fridge broke. Bear with me. Cory has started buying bottled water, and now we have like, an apocalypse stock of it. It's nice.
-All the nice little gadgets that I have. I'm not exactly rich, but I can afford a few toys. That's nice to remember.
-That I, so far, haven't done anything to end up on an LJ drama site. :D At least, not that I know of. I try to learn from what I read.
-Azelyn, again. :D /nerd. Seeing her for a few minutes is seriously the high point of my day, most times.
-Fluffy blankets and pillows. <3 I'm in bed typing this, so I thought of it. There's not much nicer than curling up to sleep (which I'm about to do) with a super fluffy comforter in your arms. I don't have a stuffed animal to cuddle with, so this is the best I can do.
-Leaving a mess once in a while. Or, well, all the time. There are some chores worth doing every day, but some other things really can be left until you feel like it. <3 Life is short.
-Bananas. Easy access! Delicious! Quick disposal, instant gratification. It all sounds disgusting. LOL. But that's bananas.
One nice thing I did for someone else today:
Helped a friend with her high school troubles. Someone did it for me; I'm passing on my own advice now that I'm older.
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
Cory did the shopping without dragging me along. :D He knows how much I appreciate that. Sometimes I get way agoraphobic even at the grocery store.... so I really did appreciate it.
-HD
Ten things I'm grateful for today:
-Again, Echo. My sweet little glider belle. <3 I never imagined when she got substituted for the other male glider by my breeder that she'd wind up charming me so much after I fell in love with her brother, but she is truly working her way into my heart.
-All the other weird pet owners on FA who've offered me their advice.
-That I haven't exactly heard a "no" in my job search yet... I guess that's optimistic, but that's the aim, here.
-That our water filter in the fridge broke. Bear with me. Cory has started buying bottled water, and now we have like, an apocalypse stock of it. It's nice.
-All the nice little gadgets that I have. I'm not exactly rich, but I can afford a few toys. That's nice to remember.
-That I, so far, haven't done anything to end up on an LJ drama site. :D At least, not that I know of. I try to learn from what I read.
-Azelyn, again. :D /nerd. Seeing her for a few minutes is seriously the high point of my day, most times.
-Fluffy blankets and pillows. <3 I'm in bed typing this, so I thought of it. There's not much nicer than curling up to sleep (which I'm about to do) with a super fluffy comforter in your arms. I don't have a stuffed animal to cuddle with, so this is the best I can do.
-Leaving a mess once in a while. Or, well, all the time. There are some chores worth doing every day, but some other things really can be left until you feel like it. <3 Life is short.
-Bananas. Easy access! Delicious! Quick disposal, instant gratification. It all sounds disgusting. LOL. But that's bananas.
One nice thing I did for someone else today:
Helped a friend with her high school troubles. Someone did it for me; I'm passing on my own advice now that I'm older.
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
Cory did the shopping without dragging me along. :D He knows how much I appreciate that. Sometimes I get way agoraphobic even at the grocery store.... so I really did appreciate it.
-HD
a little something to brighten your day
Posted 14 years agoI couldn't not share this, being a glider slave. <3333
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l.....m66yo1_400.jpg
original poster: "i have two of these. the creatures. not the cheezit."
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l.....m66yo1_400.jpg
original poster: "i have two of these. the creatures. not the cheezit."
frustrated, flinch-y new glider mom. :(
Posted 14 years agookay, so. here's the deal.
echo and topher are just a joy to have around. i love them so much, you guys, and we aren't even bonded yet.
why not? it's not a failure on the part of my breeder or the little guys themselves, trust me.
here's the thing: i'm flinchy.
case in point: today, i was removing the big sleepy pouch (which they've favored a lot lately) to "borrow" it to clean it. i managed to get it halfway out of the cage, when echo and topher got really rambunctious and started flying all over the place inside the cage. echo landed on my arm. i was like "oh shit." i tried to get her to go into one of the new pouches, and she went halfway in, only to run back out and settle on my forearm.
she starts doing what i NOW know is either testing nibbles or grooming -- she's done it to me before -- a lick, lick, lick, lick, followed by a pinch and a harder pinch, a pinch that i know will keep getting harder unless i stop it. i got scared, i blew lightly on her face to stop her. i've tried "psst!" and "no!" but it never deters her, so i blew on her face a little and she panicked and kind of toppled off my arm onto the bottom of the cage. the drop was only a foot and a half, but i don't know if she jumped or just fell. she seemed fine after. but still. she was scared by it. and probably less likely to approach me than before, which is what upsets me.
in immediate hindsight, i was like "goddamnit, HD!!" she wasn't going to draw blood. she's just curious about me, and of course, i always panic. i'm not letting her make any progress with me (or her brother, by that token). it's just, she's a nibbler. i don't know what to do. i can't seem to quell my urge to flinch or shake her off or whatever else happens to occur to my reflexes to do.
and it upsets me SO much, because of course i already want to be at the stage where they happily come over to me and where i can just pull them out of their pouches with my bare hands and put them into their bonding pouches, but right now i feel like a complete failure. ; ;
sure, i can feed them the best possible diet and treat them and make sure everything is clean, and i can talk to them through the cage and hand-feed them treats, but how am i going to progress if i'm so subconsciously terrified of being bitten that i flinch at every little thing? they clearly are ready to be close to me. it's me that seems to have the problem. ; ;
so sad...
-hd
edit: I'm starting over with freshly me-scented blankets every night and was able to finally acquire applesauce (slacktastic on my part, i know). so i opened the bottom door of the cage and got both furbats to take a little off my finger. they're still wary as hell of me... i set myself ten billion steps back, but there's no place too far back to start, y'know? <3 tent time in a week. til then, blankets and applesauce.
echo and topher are just a joy to have around. i love them so much, you guys, and we aren't even bonded yet.
why not? it's not a failure on the part of my breeder or the little guys themselves, trust me.
here's the thing: i'm flinchy.
case in point: today, i was removing the big sleepy pouch (which they've favored a lot lately) to "borrow" it to clean it. i managed to get it halfway out of the cage, when echo and topher got really rambunctious and started flying all over the place inside the cage. echo landed on my arm. i was like "oh shit." i tried to get her to go into one of the new pouches, and she went halfway in, only to run back out and settle on my forearm.
she starts doing what i NOW know is either testing nibbles or grooming -- she's done it to me before -- a lick, lick, lick, lick, followed by a pinch and a harder pinch, a pinch that i know will keep getting harder unless i stop it. i got scared, i blew lightly on her face to stop her. i've tried "psst!" and "no!" but it never deters her, so i blew on her face a little and she panicked and kind of toppled off my arm onto the bottom of the cage. the drop was only a foot and a half, but i don't know if she jumped or just fell. she seemed fine after. but still. she was scared by it. and probably less likely to approach me than before, which is what upsets me.
in immediate hindsight, i was like "goddamnit, HD!!" she wasn't going to draw blood. she's just curious about me, and of course, i always panic. i'm not letting her make any progress with me (or her brother, by that token). it's just, she's a nibbler. i don't know what to do. i can't seem to quell my urge to flinch or shake her off or whatever else happens to occur to my reflexes to do.
and it upsets me SO much, because of course i already want to be at the stage where they happily come over to me and where i can just pull them out of their pouches with my bare hands and put them into their bonding pouches, but right now i feel like a complete failure. ; ;
sure, i can feed them the best possible diet and treat them and make sure everything is clean, and i can talk to them through the cage and hand-feed them treats, but how am i going to progress if i'm so subconsciously terrified of being bitten that i flinch at every little thing? they clearly are ready to be close to me. it's me that seems to have the problem. ; ;
so sad...
-hd
edit: I'm starting over with freshly me-scented blankets every night and was able to finally acquire applesauce (slacktastic on my part, i know). so i opened the bottom door of the cage and got both furbats to take a little off my finger. they're still wary as hell of me... i set myself ten billion steps back, but there's no place too far back to start, y'know? <3 tent time in a week. til then, blankets and applesauce.
Sleepytime Journal #4
Posted 14 years agoSleepytime journal #4
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-pajamas.
-leftover Italian food. Lazy!
-the new Strokes album. delish! (and on vinyl, too, bahahhaa! awesome!)
-Scrambles. She brightens every single day. She's just so goddamned cute and precocious.
-Echo and Topher, by that same token. They're always like "WHY IS THE WEIRD LADY PUTTING HER HANDS IN THE CAGE AUUUUGH" but they'll still come up and take a pine nut when I offer it. They're so damn cute it hurts. Plus, learning that they don't like carrots has been hilarious. They will literally pick up a piece of carrot and chuck it across the cage. I'm like OKAY, I GET THE PICTURE!
-all the weird people I know on Facebook. Everything from the frivolous -- links to Mortal Kombat 9 trailers or adorable little cutesy videos -- and emotional appeals to change all the horribleness in the world keep me amused and involved in life in general.
-disagreeing with a total stranger in a comment feed on a popular website only to have it evolve into an in-depth conversation that ends in mutual respect and education for both parties. Best feeling ever.
-Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer. I wear Nutmeg. It heals even my worst cases of chapped lips within hours, is minty, and has a lovely color to it. I go crazy like a fiend when I don't have any.
-Old episodes of "Are You Afraid Of the Dark?". Nostalgia. What else can I say?
-Bottled water. Our fridge water filter is broken but we had the cash to buy a case of the stuff. I'm very happy. Too bad I don't have instant coffee (Starbucks makes an iced coffee instant mix) right now, but soon as I get it, blammo. You just pour that stuff into a bottle of water, shake it, and you're done. I'm kinda fiending right now.
I realize all my grateful things today are weird and not terribly emotional, but that's what happens on days when I don't wind up talking to anybody. :D
One nice thing I did for someone today:
I really didn't talk to anyone today, so it didn't come up. :D Shame!
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
See above. So sad! These journals aren't terribly inspiring when I don't have an answer to these last two, but I still encourage anybody to go ahead and do them anyway. Every day isn't gonna be a Mary Poppins Sing-Along... :D
To make up for that, have a hilarious video.
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-pajamas.
-leftover Italian food. Lazy!
-the new Strokes album. delish! (and on vinyl, too, bahahhaa! awesome!)
-Scrambles. She brightens every single day. She's just so goddamned cute and precocious.
-Echo and Topher, by that same token. They're always like "WHY IS THE WEIRD LADY PUTTING HER HANDS IN THE CAGE AUUUUGH" but they'll still come up and take a pine nut when I offer it. They're so damn cute it hurts. Plus, learning that they don't like carrots has been hilarious. They will literally pick up a piece of carrot and chuck it across the cage. I'm like OKAY, I GET THE PICTURE!
-all the weird people I know on Facebook. Everything from the frivolous -- links to Mortal Kombat 9 trailers or adorable little cutesy videos -- and emotional appeals to change all the horribleness in the world keep me amused and involved in life in general.
-disagreeing with a total stranger in a comment feed on a popular website only to have it evolve into an in-depth conversation that ends in mutual respect and education for both parties. Best feeling ever.
-Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer. I wear Nutmeg. It heals even my worst cases of chapped lips within hours, is minty, and has a lovely color to it. I go crazy like a fiend when I don't have any.
-Old episodes of "Are You Afraid Of the Dark?". Nostalgia. What else can I say?
-Bottled water. Our fridge water filter is broken but we had the cash to buy a case of the stuff. I'm very happy. Too bad I don't have instant coffee (Starbucks makes an iced coffee instant mix) right now, but soon as I get it, blammo. You just pour that stuff into a bottle of water, shake it, and you're done. I'm kinda fiending right now.
I realize all my grateful things today are weird and not terribly emotional, but that's what happens on days when I don't wind up talking to anybody. :D
One nice thing I did for someone today:
I really didn't talk to anyone today, so it didn't come up. :D Shame!
One nice thing someone else did for me today:
See above. So sad! These journals aren't terribly inspiring when I don't have an answer to these last two, but I still encourage anybody to go ahead and do them anyway. Every day isn't gonna be a Mary Poppins Sing-Along... :D
To make up for that, have a hilarious video.
sleepytime journal #3
Posted 14 years agoSleepytime journal #3
Ten things I'm grateful for today:
-That Scream 4 was actually quite fun. I was not let down! It was a nice night out with Cory.
-Shiner Bock. What can I say, I'm a fan of beer these days. Much as my fat would like to protest.
-
azelyn. She's funny and always fun to talk to. I love having her in my life again. We have a good time. I may not always be around to talk to her, but I'm always wishing I could be.
-I found frozen papaya at the grocery store. My gliders will be grateful, too.
-Silly little time management games. On days where I don't feel like doing much, they keep my mind occupied. /nerd
-Getting to sit and talk with Cory about how Encyclopedia Dramatica is gone now. We were both enraged, but it segued into a discussion of Warren Ellis and comics that reminds me why I married him.
-Even though there wasn't a new Freakangels yesterday (I'm a day late, always, on everything), I know there'll be one next week. Friday is my new favorite day.
-Red Door. It's my perfume. It was my stepmom's perfume growing up, too. It makes me feel... I dunno. Grown up and sexy. No weird feelings about it having been my stepmom's perfume. It's just a very womanly, nighttime smell. I like it. <3
-Ommwriter. I use it to compose these journals, and to write any other blurb that pops into my head. It's distraction-free, full-screen and has lovely typing sounds and ambient noise. I suggest you look it up. Free, too!
-That it's Eastertime and tons of chocolate is available. My favorite -- Reese's peanut butter cup eggs. You just don't get better candy than that, any time of the year. Period.
Okay, so my grateful list was a little shallow today :D
One nice thing I did for someone else:
Honestly? I only hung out with Cory today and didn't really talk to anyone else today. :( I guess, once again, I can't say I did anything nice for anybody. Now I feel shittastic! I need to put up a post-it note on my computer saying "shut up and go do something nice for someone, right now." Umm... I jovially warned all the ladies in the women's restroom at Alamo Drafthouse that the restroom stall I'd just left didn't have a lock on it, and started a "warning chain" to the stream of ladies coming in. That's nice, I guess? It's not much. LOL.
One nice thing someone else did for me:
The old Vietnamese lady at the grocery store bagging our things gave me the biggest smile as we were leaving. It was like 10 o'clock, she was probably at the end of her shift, but it really made my day.
I gotta do better on these. :D
-HD
Ten things I'm grateful for today:
-That Scream 4 was actually quite fun. I was not let down! It was a nice night out with Cory.
-Shiner Bock. What can I say, I'm a fan of beer these days. Much as my fat would like to protest.
-
azelyn. She's funny and always fun to talk to. I love having her in my life again. We have a good time. I may not always be around to talk to her, but I'm always wishing I could be.-I found frozen papaya at the grocery store. My gliders will be grateful, too.
-Silly little time management games. On days where I don't feel like doing much, they keep my mind occupied. /nerd
-Getting to sit and talk with Cory about how Encyclopedia Dramatica is gone now. We were both enraged, but it segued into a discussion of Warren Ellis and comics that reminds me why I married him.
-Even though there wasn't a new Freakangels yesterday (I'm a day late, always, on everything), I know there'll be one next week. Friday is my new favorite day.
-Red Door. It's my perfume. It was my stepmom's perfume growing up, too. It makes me feel... I dunno. Grown up and sexy. No weird feelings about it having been my stepmom's perfume. It's just a very womanly, nighttime smell. I like it. <3
-Ommwriter. I use it to compose these journals, and to write any other blurb that pops into my head. It's distraction-free, full-screen and has lovely typing sounds and ambient noise. I suggest you look it up. Free, too!
-That it's Eastertime and tons of chocolate is available. My favorite -- Reese's peanut butter cup eggs. You just don't get better candy than that, any time of the year. Period.
Okay, so my grateful list was a little shallow today :D
One nice thing I did for someone else:
Honestly? I only hung out with Cory today and didn't really talk to anyone else today. :( I guess, once again, I can't say I did anything nice for anybody. Now I feel shittastic! I need to put up a post-it note on my computer saying "shut up and go do something nice for someone, right now." Umm... I jovially warned all the ladies in the women's restroom at Alamo Drafthouse that the restroom stall I'd just left didn't have a lock on it, and started a "warning chain" to the stream of ladies coming in. That's nice, I guess? It's not much. LOL.
One nice thing someone else did for me:
The old Vietnamese lady at the grocery store bagging our things gave me the biggest smile as we were leaving. It was like 10 o'clock, she was probably at the end of her shift, but it really made my day.
I gotta do better on these. :D
-HD
scream 4 (no spoilers)
Posted 14 years agoYou guys may or may not know Scream is basically my favorite movie ever. :D I saw it in the theatre 4 fucking times as a teenager.
I liked Scream 2... Scream 3 was terrible.
Scream 4 is... well, all I'll say is, it's worth watching, if not just for the nostalgia alone. It is incredibly true to the trailers, so you won't feel cheated. They tell you what to expect right there in the trailer, so don't worry you'll have the rug pulled out from under you, because you won't.
I think Wes balanced just the right amount of "expected" and "twist" so that you don't end up with a "what the fuck" ending (see Scream 3 and, in part, Scream 2). The killer is -- well, without giving anything away, let's just say thanks to today's "attention-whore" generation, it makes perfect sense. And that's important in this franchise (which is why Scream 3 sucked so hardcore).
The characters I've grown to love, the survivors, kept me coming back, and I honestly think the movie could have been terrible and had them in it and I'd still love it, but seriously. It was fun. I was prepared to let a few (or all) of them go and I would have been sad. I won't tell you if any of them do, but I think they carried it out with enough grace that I was saying 1/4 of the way through the film that I was prepared to handle it. I never felt cheated, and that's a big thing with a franchise you love. You don't want to feel cheated. I've felt cheated by franchises before and still stuck by them, but I can honestly say (with the exception of Scream 3, which honestly felt like a side-step to Scary Movie, LOL) I didn't, here.
So go see it. :D If you love the franchise, I think you'll at least walk away with a little smile, even if you don't totally love it.
-HD
I liked Scream 2... Scream 3 was terrible.
Scream 4 is... well, all I'll say is, it's worth watching, if not just for the nostalgia alone. It is incredibly true to the trailers, so you won't feel cheated. They tell you what to expect right there in the trailer, so don't worry you'll have the rug pulled out from under you, because you won't.
I think Wes balanced just the right amount of "expected" and "twist" so that you don't end up with a "what the fuck" ending (see Scream 3 and, in part, Scream 2). The killer is -- well, without giving anything away, let's just say thanks to today's "attention-whore" generation, it makes perfect sense. And that's important in this franchise (which is why Scream 3 sucked so hardcore).
The characters I've grown to love, the survivors, kept me coming back, and I honestly think the movie could have been terrible and had them in it and I'd still love it, but seriously. It was fun. I was prepared to let a few (or all) of them go and I would have been sad. I won't tell you if any of them do, but I think they carried it out with enough grace that I was saying 1/4 of the way through the film that I was prepared to handle it. I never felt cheated, and that's a big thing with a franchise you love. You don't want to feel cheated. I've felt cheated by franchises before and still stuck by them, but I can honestly say (with the exception of Scream 3, which honestly felt like a side-step to Scary Movie, LOL) I didn't, here.
So go see it. :D If you love the franchise, I think you'll at least walk away with a little smile, even if you don't totally love it.
-HD
sleepytime journal #2
Posted 14 years agoGetting sleepy journal #2
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-That it didn't rain when Cory had to ride his bike in to work this morning. That would have suuuucked!
-That my job interview seems to have gone well and that I didn't nervously laugh -too- much when I was given a bunch of questions I wasn't expecting. I prepared for the interview, but they didn't ask me any of the stuff I expected to answer. Thankfully, I didn't trip over myself too much.
-That it seems like we're going to have money again, really soon.
-That I was able to work on art for three hours today. It doesn't seem like much, but after the art block I've had, that's big!
-That Scrambles was so patient with me when she knew I wasn't understanding that she wanted me to put water in her bowl. I'm never responsible for that, but lately someone has been slacking (the bowl was bone dry). She came into my office and pestered me with big puppy eyes for over an hour before I realized she wasn't just being needy, she was thirsty. :( Poor adorable puppy! I'm so happy to have her back. Soon as we have access to a car I'm running out to PetCo and getting her a few new toys.
-That because I may get this job, I was able to take a little video game time and NOT feel guilty about it.
-Klok. It's project-tracking software I downloaded (free version works just fine for my tastes, though I'll probably upgrade when I get the cash) and it's saving my life. At a glance I can see how much work I've done today and on what projects, as well as can set a billing amount per hour so that I can see how much I would have made at that rate, and compare it to what I'm actually making. Really helpful! Highly recommend it.
-That the night before last, I actually outlined and scripted the big fight scene from the end of Redthread's first arc. I'm so proud of it, but I can't show more than a couple of people -- that part's a little frustrating!
-my wonderful commissioners.
-peanut butter and banana sandwiches for pre-job interview breakfast.
One nice thing I did for someone today:
This is always hard for me! It shouldn't be. I gotta work on that. Um... I didn't get mad when my interviewer was 18 minutes late. She apologized, I smiled. No big deal. It's not like I was stuck in an office or anything. It did make me worry a little, but no big.
One nice thing someone did for me today:
Sugarhighstudios did gift art for me, of Raen from Redthread. <3 It was a wonderful start to a nervous morning just before my interview!
Ten things I'm thankful for today:
-That it didn't rain when Cory had to ride his bike in to work this morning. That would have suuuucked!
-That my job interview seems to have gone well and that I didn't nervously laugh -too- much when I was given a bunch of questions I wasn't expecting. I prepared for the interview, but they didn't ask me any of the stuff I expected to answer. Thankfully, I didn't trip over myself too much.
-That it seems like we're going to have money again, really soon.
-That I was able to work on art for three hours today. It doesn't seem like much, but after the art block I've had, that's big!
-That Scrambles was so patient with me when she knew I wasn't understanding that she wanted me to put water in her bowl. I'm never responsible for that, but lately someone has been slacking (the bowl was bone dry). She came into my office and pestered me with big puppy eyes for over an hour before I realized she wasn't just being needy, she was thirsty. :( Poor adorable puppy! I'm so happy to have her back. Soon as we have access to a car I'm running out to PetCo and getting her a few new toys.
-That because I may get this job, I was able to take a little video game time and NOT feel guilty about it.
-Klok. It's project-tracking software I downloaded (free version works just fine for my tastes, though I'll probably upgrade when I get the cash) and it's saving my life. At a glance I can see how much work I've done today and on what projects, as well as can set a billing amount per hour so that I can see how much I would have made at that rate, and compare it to what I'm actually making. Really helpful! Highly recommend it.
-That the night before last, I actually outlined and scripted the big fight scene from the end of Redthread's first arc. I'm so proud of it, but I can't show more than a couple of people -- that part's a little frustrating!
-my wonderful commissioners.
-peanut butter and banana sandwiches for pre-job interview breakfast.
One nice thing I did for someone today:
This is always hard for me! It shouldn't be. I gotta work on that. Um... I didn't get mad when my interviewer was 18 minutes late. She apologized, I smiled. No big deal. It's not like I was stuck in an office or anything. It did make me worry a little, but no big.
One nice thing someone did for me today:
Sugarhighstudios did gift art for me, of Raen from Redthread. <3 It was a wonderful start to a nervous morning just before my interview!
that layers meme (shut up, i got tagged!)
Posted 14 years agoCuz I got tagged by 
asia, HURRDURRRR
LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Amanda.
- Eye Color: Brown.
- Hair Style/Color: Medium length, wavy, dark ash brown.
- Height: 5'5"
- Clothing style: Comfortable workout/pajamas. All day, every day. Suck it, bitches!
- Best physical feature: A semi-cute face? Meh. I have a teeny nose? I dunno.
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: A home invasion. Car accidents. Being in the car at all, really. Car accidents.
- Your guilty pleasure: Stupid video games no one else will play. Forensic process and true crime television.
- Your biggest pet peeve: Hearing people chew when they eat. Even hearing myself drives me nuts. Being asked to "calm down" when I'm not actually upset. People with no internal filter who share extremely personal anecdotes in mixed company without ever understanding that it's not that I'm a PRUDE, it's that those stories are special BECAUSE they're between me and the people who've known me for a long time, and that stuff doesn't need to be shared with folks I don't fucking know without my permission.
- Your ambitions for the future: Get enough of Redthread out of me that I'm not so panicky about it.
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: I know I've been in bed for 9 hours, but I could sooooo go back to sleep.
- What you think about most: How guilty I feel for not being better at managing my life.
- What you think about before bed: Introspective stuff. Creativity, etc. I also wind up wanting to share more of myself in that quiet time right before bed. I write my more open musings then.
- You think your best quality is: I'm quirky and somewhat interesting to people? Apparently?
LAYER FOUR: WHAT'S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: Single. I get nervous in crowds. I didn't used to, but now I'm always worried that I look/sound like an idiot any time I open my mouth. Unless there's alcohol. Then I'm "regular" me and do great in crowds. I never cross the line from "invincible" to "invisible" with alcohol, though. I'm never that girl. That girl is always someone else, and I'm the one (quietly) grimacing in the corner for her, praying she hushes before she makes an ass of herself. That sounds judgmental. Oh well! Let's just say I can drink a LOT without getting shitfaced, which gets expensive. However, I fall prey to a hangover on the slightest bit of alcohol. Double-edged sword. I never learn. :D THAT WAS A LONG DIGRESSION.
- To be loved or respected: I think there are better things than both, but I'd like to be respected for being a good person. I think that can lead to love. Anyone can feel like they love you, but it's not always terribly real. I mean, I had a RL semi-stalker who thought he was in love with me, to the point that he cried when I finally just told him to his face it would never happen. I'd rather have had his respect. Platonic, non-creepy respect.
- Beauty or brains: Brains. A person with brains can intuit how to be beautiful, but it doesn't work the other way around.
- Dogs or cats: Dogs. I don't have the energy for them, but I prefer them, even if they're more of a handful.
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: I used to. Years and years ago. Horribly and compulsively. I was in a new school for the first time, my parents had just divorced, and I REALLY wanted people to like me. It backfired horribly and the effects lasted for years. I try really hard not to, now, and thankfully, I don't really wind up with a lot of reasons to. Now I only lie about little things, like how much I slacked off that day.
- Believe in yourself: Not as much as I know I really ought to.
- Believe in love: Definitely.
- Want someone: I have everything I should need in any given category. It's me I need to love more.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Indeed, for speaking engagements and panels. Never singing. There was also a play in high school.
- Done drugs: Yes. No hard stuff anymore.
- Changed who you were to fit in: Not really. But I could have made that work.
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Orange orange orange.
- Favorite animal: Elephants and sugar gliders.
- Favorite movie: Scream.
- Favorite game: I did love WoW, though I don't play anymore. Sims 3? Ugh.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday you will be: one of the 9s.
- How old will you be: Twenty-nine. Ugh. At least I don't completely look it? Someone tell me I don't! WAUGH!
- Age you lost your virginity: 19. I was really picky, that's all.
- Does age matter: Let's just say I think maturity matters, but I don't think most people are even equipped to fully deal with the emotional ramifications of sex even at 17 or 18. I said "most people". I still wasn't, not 100%.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Optimistic, stoic, and calm. Not clingy.
- Best eye color: I love all eye colors.
- Best hair color: No preference.
- Best thing to do with a partner: Play a game. Talk about creative story ideas. Shoot the shit.
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: realizing new things about my characters I never knew.
- I feel: better than yesterday.
- I hide: how I'm feeling way too often.
- I miss: having my Dad a room away to chat with.
- I wish: I had my shit together already.
LAYER ELEVEN: I TAG
- Who do you tag?
azelyn 
frenor 
misa 
kittenkeiko
admittedly if any of you hookers has already done this, skip it. And feel free to throw things at me.
asia, HURRDURRRRLAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Amanda.
- Eye Color: Brown.
- Hair Style/Color: Medium length, wavy, dark ash brown.
- Height: 5'5"
- Clothing style: Comfortable workout/pajamas. All day, every day. Suck it, bitches!
- Best physical feature: A semi-cute face? Meh. I have a teeny nose? I dunno.
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: A home invasion. Car accidents. Being in the car at all, really. Car accidents.
- Your guilty pleasure: Stupid video games no one else will play. Forensic process and true crime television.
- Your biggest pet peeve: Hearing people chew when they eat. Even hearing myself drives me nuts. Being asked to "calm down" when I'm not actually upset. People with no internal filter who share extremely personal anecdotes in mixed company without ever understanding that it's not that I'm a PRUDE, it's that those stories are special BECAUSE they're between me and the people who've known me for a long time, and that stuff doesn't need to be shared with folks I don't fucking know without my permission.
- Your ambitions for the future: Get enough of Redthread out of me that I'm not so panicky about it.
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: I know I've been in bed for 9 hours, but I could sooooo go back to sleep.
- What you think about most: How guilty I feel for not being better at managing my life.
- What you think about before bed: Introspective stuff. Creativity, etc. I also wind up wanting to share more of myself in that quiet time right before bed. I write my more open musings then.
- You think your best quality is: I'm quirky and somewhat interesting to people? Apparently?
LAYER FOUR: WHAT'S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: Single. I get nervous in crowds. I didn't used to, but now I'm always worried that I look/sound like an idiot any time I open my mouth. Unless there's alcohol. Then I'm "regular" me and do great in crowds. I never cross the line from "invincible" to "invisible" with alcohol, though. I'm never that girl. That girl is always someone else, and I'm the one (quietly) grimacing in the corner for her, praying she hushes before she makes an ass of herself. That sounds judgmental. Oh well! Let's just say I can drink a LOT without getting shitfaced, which gets expensive. However, I fall prey to a hangover on the slightest bit of alcohol. Double-edged sword. I never learn. :D THAT WAS A LONG DIGRESSION.
- To be loved or respected: I think there are better things than both, but I'd like to be respected for being a good person. I think that can lead to love. Anyone can feel like they love you, but it's not always terribly real. I mean, I had a RL semi-stalker who thought he was in love with me, to the point that he cried when I finally just told him to his face it would never happen. I'd rather have had his respect. Platonic, non-creepy respect.
- Beauty or brains: Brains. A person with brains can intuit how to be beautiful, but it doesn't work the other way around.
- Dogs or cats: Dogs. I don't have the energy for them, but I prefer them, even if they're more of a handful.
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: I used to. Years and years ago. Horribly and compulsively. I was in a new school for the first time, my parents had just divorced, and I REALLY wanted people to like me. It backfired horribly and the effects lasted for years. I try really hard not to, now, and thankfully, I don't really wind up with a lot of reasons to. Now I only lie about little things, like how much I slacked off that day.
- Believe in yourself: Not as much as I know I really ought to.
- Believe in love: Definitely.
- Want someone: I have everything I should need in any given category. It's me I need to love more.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Indeed, for speaking engagements and panels. Never singing. There was also a play in high school.
- Done drugs: Yes. No hard stuff anymore.
- Changed who you were to fit in: Not really. But I could have made that work.
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Orange orange orange.
- Favorite animal: Elephants and sugar gliders.
- Favorite movie: Scream.
- Favorite game: I did love WoW, though I don't play anymore. Sims 3? Ugh.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday you will be: one of the 9s.
- How old will you be: Twenty-nine. Ugh. At least I don't completely look it? Someone tell me I don't! WAUGH!
- Age you lost your virginity: 19. I was really picky, that's all.
- Does age matter: Let's just say I think maturity matters, but I don't think most people are even equipped to fully deal with the emotional ramifications of sex even at 17 or 18. I said "most people". I still wasn't, not 100%.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Optimistic, stoic, and calm. Not clingy.
- Best eye color: I love all eye colors.
- Best hair color: No preference.
- Best thing to do with a partner: Play a game. Talk about creative story ideas. Shoot the shit.
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: realizing new things about my characters I never knew.
- I feel: better than yesterday.
- I hide: how I'm feeling way too often.
- I miss: having my Dad a room away to chat with.
- I wish: I had my shit together already.
LAYER ELEVEN: I TAG
- Who do you tag?
azelyn 
frenor 
misa 
kittenkeikoadmittedly if any of you hookers has already done this, skip it. And feel free to throw things at me.
sleepytime journal #1
Posted 14 years agoWas told to try this when it’s time to wind down for bed, and building good habits is something I really need to get started on.
Ten things I’m grateful for today:
-That Cory wasn’t hurt in that accident.
-That my sugar gliders are healthy, even though we aren’t totally BFFs yet. We’ll get there.
-That I have a roof over my head, even if I’m in debt like everybody else.
-That Redthread is still in my head and wanting to come out. That people actually seem to want to read it.
-Discovering a new story that interested me. It’s more fulfilling than I remember. I want to find a few new things and really discover some sort of fandom again–I think it’s when I was happiest in the past.
-Just having Cory around, really. I know the two of us are stressed right now, but if he wasn’t there, I don’t know what I’d do. That should have been number one, but I’m going off the top of my head, here.
-That people always want to help, no matter how horrible I feel like I can be sometimes. It reminds me that I’m probably not so horrible, after all.
-That Maher still finds time to talk to me and try to help me with my problems, even though he’s usually ankle-deep in dying patients (or at least patients that swear up and down that they’re dying). Makes me never want to say “I’m too busy” ever again.
-That my little sister and I get along so well, even if we weren’t raised in the same house. I’m very proud of her for a lot of reasons.
-That people still want just a minute of my time every day, even though I’m rarely available because I’m too busy wallowing in my messy, disorganized existence. It means there’s something in me that must seem worthwhile, and I have to remember that.
One thing I learned today:
That there’s actually a board that deals with insurance companies that don’t pay on policies they are supposed to pay for. I didn’t know that. Even though our system is really messed, it’s good to know that there’s actually, you know, people out there that are prepared to handle that when you can’t.
One nice thing I did for someone else:
This is hard, and it shouldn’t be. I ran downstairs and got Gatorade for Cory before bed. I just feel bad lately, being such a bump on a log. He’s been down, so I keep trying to offer to run and get things or do things for him when I can. It’s not much, but hopefully it’s something.
One nice thing someone did for me today:
Warren offered help from a lawyer friend for the car situation. He had me email her all the info about the claim and the company we're dealing with. That was really nice. People don’t have to reach out and help you, but when they do, it makes you want to do something nice for someone else. That’s my goal for tomorrow.
You know, that was pretty relaxing, actually. Doesn’t seem like too difficult a habit to keep up. I think I’ll do this again tomorrow. <3
-HD
Ten things I’m grateful for today:
-That Cory wasn’t hurt in that accident.
-That my sugar gliders are healthy, even though we aren’t totally BFFs yet. We’ll get there.
-That I have a roof over my head, even if I’m in debt like everybody else.
-That Redthread is still in my head and wanting to come out. That people actually seem to want to read it.
-Discovering a new story that interested me. It’s more fulfilling than I remember. I want to find a few new things and really discover some sort of fandom again–I think it’s when I was happiest in the past.
-Just having Cory around, really. I know the two of us are stressed right now, but if he wasn’t there, I don’t know what I’d do. That should have been number one, but I’m going off the top of my head, here.
-That people always want to help, no matter how horrible I feel like I can be sometimes. It reminds me that I’m probably not so horrible, after all.
-That Maher still finds time to talk to me and try to help me with my problems, even though he’s usually ankle-deep in dying patients (or at least patients that swear up and down that they’re dying). Makes me never want to say “I’m too busy” ever again.
-That my little sister and I get along so well, even if we weren’t raised in the same house. I’m very proud of her for a lot of reasons.
-That people still want just a minute of my time every day, even though I’m rarely available because I’m too busy wallowing in my messy, disorganized existence. It means there’s something in me that must seem worthwhile, and I have to remember that.
One thing I learned today:
That there’s actually a board that deals with insurance companies that don’t pay on policies they are supposed to pay for. I didn’t know that. Even though our system is really messed, it’s good to know that there’s actually, you know, people out there that are prepared to handle that when you can’t.
One nice thing I did for someone else:
This is hard, and it shouldn’t be. I ran downstairs and got Gatorade for Cory before bed. I just feel bad lately, being such a bump on a log. He’s been down, so I keep trying to offer to run and get things or do things for him when I can. It’s not much, but hopefully it’s something.
One nice thing someone did for me today:
Warren offered help from a lawyer friend for the car situation. He had me email her all the info about the claim and the company we're dealing with. That was really nice. People don’t have to reach out and help you, but when they do, it makes you want to do something nice for someone else. That’s my goal for tomorrow.
You know, that was pretty relaxing, actually. Doesn’t seem like too difficult a habit to keep up. I think I’ll do this again tomorrow. <3
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gonna have to fight?
Posted 14 years agoInsurance just got back to Cory -- they denied the claim on the accident.
The other guy apparently didn't have a license -- either not at all, or didn't have it on him, we weren't clear on that. So naturally his insurance is like "um, our liability doesn't cover it if the douchebag driving the car isn't supposed to be driving". So they are saying we get nothing. They are aware it was 100% his fault. They're saying they don't have to pay up because he wasn't supposed to be driving.
Of course. You didn't have to be a psychic to see that coming.
So we're carless, and the guy clearly doesn't have any money either, and it's harder to wring money out of folks in Texas than it is in other states (we're tough about garnishing wages and the like, the only thing we're tough on is child support)... so...
1. we may have to drag my Dad's insurance into this, which we didn't want to do.
2. we may just have to take our chances in small claims court.
This is all very stressful and scary.
Edit: The current plan is to have a friend-of-a-friend, who is a lawyer and kindly volunteered, send a helpful nudge letter to the insurance company. Sometimes all it takes is a letter, he says. Failing that, thanks to recommendations in this thread, we will go to the State Insurance board. And failing that, god forbid, we'll ask Dad's insurance to go to bat for us... and for god's sake, if that fails, we go to small claims court.
I hope the letter works.
The other guy apparently didn't have a license -- either not at all, or didn't have it on him, we weren't clear on that. So naturally his insurance is like "um, our liability doesn't cover it if the douchebag driving the car isn't supposed to be driving". So they are saying we get nothing. They are aware it was 100% his fault. They're saying they don't have to pay up because he wasn't supposed to be driving.
Of course. You didn't have to be a psychic to see that coming.
So we're carless, and the guy clearly doesn't have any money either, and it's harder to wring money out of folks in Texas than it is in other states (we're tough about garnishing wages and the like, the only thing we're tough on is child support)... so...
1. we may have to drag my Dad's insurance into this, which we didn't want to do.
2. we may just have to take our chances in small claims court.
This is all very stressful and scary.
Edit: The current plan is to have a friend-of-a-friend, who is a lawyer and kindly volunteered, send a helpful nudge letter to the insurance company. Sometimes all it takes is a letter, he says. Failing that, thanks to recommendations in this thread, we will go to the State Insurance board. And failing that, god forbid, we'll ask Dad's insurance to go to bat for us... and for god's sake, if that fails, we go to small claims court.
I hope the letter works.
for my waiting clients -- if you have new refs, send 'em!
Posted 14 years agoif you are one of the five lovelies who still needs portraits from me, just be aware I AM starting on all your sketches, but if you have any new, additional refs you'd like me to use that have come in since you paid, please note 'em to me! otherwise I'll move forward as planned!
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warren ellis on "ideas".
Posted 14 years agoa friend got me reading freakangels and this was an interlude between chapters during a slow week. ellis is so inspiring to me.
How It Works
I still get asked with appalling regularity “where my ideas come from.”
Here’s the deal. I flood my poor ageing head with information. Any information. Lots of it. And I let it all slosh around in the back of my brain, in the part normal people use for remembering bills, thinking about sex and making appointments to wash the dishes.
Eventually, you get a critical mass of information. Datum 1 plugs into Datum 2 which connects to Datum 3 and Data 4 and 5 stick to it and you’ve got a chain reaction. A bunch of stuff knits together and lights up and you’ve got what’s called “an idea”.
And for that brief moment where it’s all flaring and welding together, you are Holy. You can’t be touched. Something impossible and brilliant has happened and suddenly you understand what it would be like if Einstein’s brain was placed into the body of a young tyrannosaur, stuffed full of amphetamines and suffused with Sex Radiation.
That is what has happened to me tonight. I am beaming Sex Rays across the world and my brain is all lit up with Holy Fire. If I felt like it, I could shag a million nuns and destroy their faith in Christ.
From my chair.
See, this is the good bit about writing. It’s what keeps you going. It’s the wild rush of “shit, did I think of that?” with all kinds of weird chemicals shunting around your brain and ideas and images and moments and storyforms all opening up snapsnapsnap in your mind, a mass of new and unrealised possibilities.
It’s ten past two in the morning, and I’m completely wired, caught up in the new thing, shivering and laughing and glowing in the dark. Just as well it’s the middle of the night. No-one would be safe from me right now. I could read their minds and take over their heartbeats with a glare.
Faster than the speed of anyone.
That’s how it works.
How It Works
I still get asked with appalling regularity “where my ideas come from.”
Here’s the deal. I flood my poor ageing head with information. Any information. Lots of it. And I let it all slosh around in the back of my brain, in the part normal people use for remembering bills, thinking about sex and making appointments to wash the dishes.
Eventually, you get a critical mass of information. Datum 1 plugs into Datum 2 which connects to Datum 3 and Data 4 and 5 stick to it and you’ve got a chain reaction. A bunch of stuff knits together and lights up and you’ve got what’s called “an idea”.
And for that brief moment where it’s all flaring and welding together, you are Holy. You can’t be touched. Something impossible and brilliant has happened and suddenly you understand what it would be like if Einstein’s brain was placed into the body of a young tyrannosaur, stuffed full of amphetamines and suffused with Sex Radiation.
That is what has happened to me tonight. I am beaming Sex Rays across the world and my brain is all lit up with Holy Fire. If I felt like it, I could shag a million nuns and destroy their faith in Christ.
From my chair.
See, this is the good bit about writing. It’s what keeps you going. It’s the wild rush of “shit, did I think of that?” with all kinds of weird chemicals shunting around your brain and ideas and images and moments and storyforms all opening up snapsnapsnap in your mind, a mass of new and unrealised possibilities.
It’s ten past two in the morning, and I’m completely wired, caught up in the new thing, shivering and laughing and glowing in the dark. Just as well it’s the middle of the night. No-one would be safe from me right now. I could read their minds and take over their heartbeats with a glare.
Faster than the speed of anyone.
That’s how it works.
june 14th needs to hurry up and get here!
Posted 14 years agobest tech demo i've ever seen. ahmg. <3 gonna play the everloving shit out of this game. i beat the original 11 years ago like... 3 times. you can imagine how glued i am gonna be to my console.
http://www.giantbomb.com/ask-me-any.....turns/17-3984/
http://www.giantbomb.com/ask-me-any.....turns/17-3984/
trying to get up the guts
Posted 14 years ago...to sing with my husband's band, since they still don't have a singer, are still writing their own songs, and i have a desire to sing but don't want to tackle anything that requires a lot of guts. :D and runaways covers aren't exactly hard to play. their guitarist, sam, is like a total virtuoso, and while they don't have a rhythm guitarist, they can find one, or it isn't like anybody would notice it's lacking. i love me some runaways but that shit is easy! :DDDD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlWBG0fNOsc
linking to the dakota fanning version because with my small voice i'd sound more like her than cherie currie. :D
still though. one of those "things i have to tackle before my life is over" so.
my dad was pretty proud. i mean, i did voice acting and i was in band and was told i had a "genius musical ear" but i swear to god i have the rhythm of a retarded elephant (i played alto sax and dropped out after a year because i didn't want to drag the instrument around, lol), so i've never had the balls to do anything with it. dad used to try to teach me to drum and i couldn't keep two separate beats at the same time no matter how hard i tried. i gave up on music in my early teens and persued art. there was just no way i was ever gonna follow in daddy's footsteps, no matter how much i wanted to be like him. i still hate myself for that sometimes, but if i can sing some crappy covers in his honor, why the hell wouldn't i?
he gave me his red fender strat, the one he's played since i was a baby -- the 1980s japanese version they made when they weren't making any in america, they were only making the smaller ones in japan. i loved that guitar... i worshipped that guitar. that guitar was a HUGE part of my childhood. i would have never imagined it, but .... now it's mine, and i'm taking good care of it, even though my fingers are soft as paper and i haven't had the guts to fucking learn to play it. he entrusted it to me even though i don't play because... well, you'll read why.
i confessed this desire to him over the phone the other night, and (you may or may not know my dad's an awesome guitarist, has been since his teens) he told me the story of one awful show here in houston, where i live and he's only played gigs. they were opening for some band and the guitarist came up to him in the hotel room where they were all "chilling" (lol god knows what they were up to!) and said, "so can you teach me something?" she begged my dad's band ("all fingers" -- they played my entire life, until his best friend [rest in peace, j.c.] passed away this past year) to HEADLINE instead of OPEN because she felt like they just sucked too much to headline. so they agreed, and the lineup switched. apparently, their manager was "overselling" them and she had the good sense to know when to bow out.
(that j.c. passed away is why i think he gave me the fender strat... i think it hurt too much to play it now, after all that it had been through with "all fingers", so now it's in my care. it was so sad to take it from him, but i think he knows how much i respect that guitar... and even though i may not be able to play it now, he knows i'll protect it with my life.) anyway.
in good sportsmanship and admiring her moxie, dad taught her the chords for chuck berry's "johnny b. goode" on normal guitar, since the poor girl didn't know much (she was a bassist, damnit!). yes, that girl was kathy valentine, the bassist for the go-gos.
my husband heard me laughing on the phone, right? dad was telling me the name of the band that chick was in at the time, the band they were opening for -- "the violators". i was laughing, i was like "THE VIOLATORS! AHAHAHAH!" i mean it sounded so silly.
cory looked it up on wikipedia later and was freaking out. there it was, "the violators", the band she played with years before she was ever in the go-gos. it doesn't surprise me, because i mean, that's MY DAD, right, but sometimes i still think it freaks cory out when he finds things out like this. but it makes me so happy because seeing cory get so star-struck over my dad makes me happy. he is such an aspirational musician that i like seeing him get all starry-eyed like that. :D so adorable. and my dad loves him, so. it's cute.
anyway. late night rambles. i gotta go to bed. :D i'm gonna sing with his band if he ever takes five minutes to teach them that runaways song, because like it will take longer than that. song's easy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlWBG0fNOsc
linking to the dakota fanning version because with my small voice i'd sound more like her than cherie currie. :D
still though. one of those "things i have to tackle before my life is over" so.
my dad was pretty proud. i mean, i did voice acting and i was in band and was told i had a "genius musical ear" but i swear to god i have the rhythm of a retarded elephant (i played alto sax and dropped out after a year because i didn't want to drag the instrument around, lol), so i've never had the balls to do anything with it. dad used to try to teach me to drum and i couldn't keep two separate beats at the same time no matter how hard i tried. i gave up on music in my early teens and persued art. there was just no way i was ever gonna follow in daddy's footsteps, no matter how much i wanted to be like him. i still hate myself for that sometimes, but if i can sing some crappy covers in his honor, why the hell wouldn't i?
he gave me his red fender strat, the one he's played since i was a baby -- the 1980s japanese version they made when they weren't making any in america, they were only making the smaller ones in japan. i loved that guitar... i worshipped that guitar. that guitar was a HUGE part of my childhood. i would have never imagined it, but .... now it's mine, and i'm taking good care of it, even though my fingers are soft as paper and i haven't had the guts to fucking learn to play it. he entrusted it to me even though i don't play because... well, you'll read why.
i confessed this desire to him over the phone the other night, and (you may or may not know my dad's an awesome guitarist, has been since his teens) he told me the story of one awful show here in houston, where i live and he's only played gigs. they were opening for some band and the guitarist came up to him in the hotel room where they were all "chilling" (lol god knows what they were up to!) and said, "so can you teach me something?" she begged my dad's band ("all fingers" -- they played my entire life, until his best friend [rest in peace, j.c.] passed away this past year) to HEADLINE instead of OPEN because she felt like they just sucked too much to headline. so they agreed, and the lineup switched. apparently, their manager was "overselling" them and she had the good sense to know when to bow out.
(that j.c. passed away is why i think he gave me the fender strat... i think it hurt too much to play it now, after all that it had been through with "all fingers", so now it's in my care. it was so sad to take it from him, but i think he knows how much i respect that guitar... and even though i may not be able to play it now, he knows i'll protect it with my life.) anyway.
in good sportsmanship and admiring her moxie, dad taught her the chords for chuck berry's "johnny b. goode" on normal guitar, since the poor girl didn't know much (she was a bassist, damnit!). yes, that girl was kathy valentine, the bassist for the go-gos.
my husband heard me laughing on the phone, right? dad was telling me the name of the band that chick was in at the time, the band they were opening for -- "the violators". i was laughing, i was like "THE VIOLATORS! AHAHAHAH!" i mean it sounded so silly.
cory looked it up on wikipedia later and was freaking out. there it was, "the violators", the band she played with years before she was ever in the go-gos. it doesn't surprise me, because i mean, that's MY DAD, right, but sometimes i still think it freaks cory out when he finds things out like this. but it makes me so happy because seeing cory get so star-struck over my dad makes me happy. he is such an aspirational musician that i like seeing him get all starry-eyed like that. :D so adorable. and my dad loves him, so. it's cute.
anyway. late night rambles. i gotta go to bed. :D i'm gonna sing with his band if he ever takes five minutes to teach them that runaways song, because like it will take longer than that. song's easy.
page 18 is (finally) up :3
Posted 14 years agohttp://redthreadonline.com/
now back to commissions :P orzorzorz! light a fire under my ass, you guys!
now back to commissions :P orzorzorz! light a fire under my ass, you guys!
at last
Posted 14 years ago(I know. I was bedridden last week. Back on track starting Monday, not just with art, but with exercise. Remember, I don't do art, I go broke, and I've been broke a WHILE because of my health. *LOL* It's not been a picnic for me either, but I'm trying hard as I can.)
But. Anyway.
You ever finally hear, for the first time, music that was just a handful of years before your own time, (years and years later) and feel this sort of -- I don't know. This feeling like you got kind of robbed, but are so grateful you've found it? Listening to Joan Jett's 1981 album "Bad Reputation" (a year before I was born, mind you) and am totally sucked in. It's like a warm, smoke-stained, angry hug.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RAQXg0IdfI
I am SO doing a girl punk rock Joan Jett homage pic of Naoki now. Well, when I get free time. :3 I mean, this song like... well, I'm sure a lot of people have felt through the past TWO decades that it embodied them, but I totally think it's something she (and a lot of other fursonas on FA) could agree with. Hurhurhur.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XELpxApT8Kc
I MEAN HOW AWESOME IS THIS SONG?! I dare you to debate me on its awesomeness.
But. Anyway.
You ever finally hear, for the first time, music that was just a handful of years before your own time, (years and years later) and feel this sort of -- I don't know. This feeling like you got kind of robbed, but are so grateful you've found it? Listening to Joan Jett's 1981 album "Bad Reputation" (a year before I was born, mind you) and am totally sucked in. It's like a warm, smoke-stained, angry hug.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RAQXg0IdfI
I am SO doing a girl punk rock Joan Jett homage pic of Naoki now. Well, when I get free time. :3 I mean, this song like... well, I'm sure a lot of people have felt through the past TWO decades that it embodied them, but I totally think it's something she (and a lot of other fursonas on FA) could agree with. Hurhurhur.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XELpxApT8Kc
I MEAN HOW AWESOME IS THIS SONG?! I dare you to debate me on its awesomeness.
a raw look into a conversation between little sister & i
Posted 14 years agoshowing this because i figure she wouldn't give a shit.
long story short: my little sister (victoria), my littlest sister (corey), and I (mandy) all had different Dads. our mom has always been a druggie mess. she's a loving, sweet woman, but hasn't ever had a grip over her drug addiction or her loneliness. her daughters have been left in the crossfire. that's about the size of it. i was raised by my father (single dad), my little sister was raised by mom and her stepdad, and our littlest sister was raised by them (and stepdad is her actual dad, so she's gotten favored treatment).
little sister is an amazing jewelsmith and i wear the jewelry she's made almost every day. when i was a voice actress, she looked up to me immensely. i mean, no, fuck it, she looks up to me even now, and i look up to her even more than that, though i'd probably never be able to convince her of it.
she's an amazing kid. god, i love her.
(yes, i'm still bedridden -- bear with me... another couple of days, tops, i'm guessing.)
little sister wrote:I really appreciate you and all of your kinds words and I'm so happy you enjoy your stuff! Thank your friends and anyone you know who likes my shop, it's a definite compliment :) And thank you for the tips. Subtle colors with a pop do seem to be pretty well liked. I'll do requests from anyone, any day too! And if there's something you like up there, tell me now, I can save you one or something surely. I just got tired of seeing the same old mainstream unimaginative junk. And the "hipster" or "poetic" look which is pretty popular is rather expensive if you leave it up to the stores, ironically enough I guess. Or not. Whatever ;D There's some pretty rad stuff on Etsy though, check it out. Handmade is beast.
I still have so many supplies but I don't have the cash right now to keep the site fully up, so if something's not there, I might actually have it. I'm giving it up soon however, or taking up a different medium at least, unless I can find a place that doesn't import everything from China or Taiwan. Damn near impossible for this country and my broke tail but I don't enjoy encouraging companies to continue to source out cheap, unfair labor, or from any source I can't track. Sorry to get all self righteous and preachy on you, haha. Anyhow I sew and I'm learning to crochet and want to use organic textiles and fabric for clothes and accessories if I can find the money and the right source for them. I might have to hand-dye the fabrics for the right effects but that just makes for more awesome potential! I'd love to work together with you on these projects one day if you are ever interested! It will definitely be a big one.
And on the family front, not to bombard you with my own 'depresso-drama' but mom's been in jail for the past 4 months, and in and out before that. If you want details, just ask.
I don't know that any of what's been happening around that house will help your anxiety at all. It hasn't helped mine. Really, I doubt she would have ever been home for your phone calls anyway, so don't fret about that. If anything, you're the distant favorite ;)
Mom's either gone or home briefly, picking locks and taking the doors off of the hinges to get anything of value, nothing new. She took my car a few times which I had to pick up from the impound, and has had other family members lie to me about borrowing my stuff. Of course, that's why I had to leave. It's still happening to Corey and Kevin too. I'm pretty sure my bank is still looking to prosecute her for fraudulent charges, I don't even know anymore.
She called me 2 or 3 days ago, but when I called back, Corey told me she was gone again. I have a big problem with trusting people now, but I guess that's an inevitable survival trait anyway.
So I guess I know what you mean, anxiety is tough, living there kept me under a lot of stress and I know it's affecting you too. It's seriously stunted my self esteem and social growth so far, not to be all pitiful and such. I'm pretty sure I'm some sort of undiagnosed bipolar (mom definitely is) or at least high anxiety/obsessive behaviors with a good amount of agoraphobia, or an anxiety of social situations in general. I guess who isn't these days? I've never had healthcare, or a real doctor, psychological or otherwise. Sean's mom actually paid for my doctor visit today (and all the ones I've had recently, minus the jaw break, she's very sweet) I've got Strep and some other gunk now but I also need to get my bone density checked since I seem to be in overall crappy health for being so young. He said it's probably because of bad diet, namely canned or boxed foods, etc. and stress. What sucks is I can't imagine Corey will be better, she doesn't go outside and lives on Top Ramen and the same crap. I do hope you find a relief for your mental ailments soon though, it's a long and tiring battle against the self.
I won't go on about how I feel about the situation with mom but drugs do tend to take away self control and it seems Kevin doesn't have enough of a problem with letting her do as she pleases, enabling it to happen. Corey is miserable, especially with mom there, she tells me. Send her a picture or something when you have time one of these days, would you? Corey needs you and I, even more than mom does at this point, all she has is art and video games right now. And Kevin is distant and cold as ever, just a looming presence in the back room.
And on that note, not to be a sad sack, I wasn't able to see anyone this Christmas because we worked that day and they kept Sean and I WAY longer than we said we would stay. I told the family I couldn't make it. My biological dad passed away last year and I couldn't see his family either, and I'm the only grandchild. Last time I talked to Kevin though, he told me "You obviously don't care about us, so I don't care about you". Mom comes back from jail and gets welcomed, I'm too busy on a holiday and get blacklisted. I'm just a bit confused is all, but again, nothing new.
So, I'm very sorry to invade your brainspace with all this text, all this nonsense and all of this weight, but it's been a while since we've talked. I know you're dealing with your own situations right now. You, and the family you know here are all I have in blood, and I'd like to keep in touch. There's an infinite amount of things we need to discuss, and even more to learn about one another so let's get together really, really soon. Let me know when you have time, and we'll schedule something someday. Haha we have a lot in common; I absolutely hate driving, but I don't mind if it's to see you. ♥
love you dear
holydust wrote:That's what I dig about your stuff. You are walking the line between classic and hipster TOTALLY effortlessly. There is nothing pretentious about it -- every piece you make is totally you, and not a single piece ever has made me question whether it came directly from your heart or not. One may wonder just how deep an artist can go with pieces individually bought from separate stores, but as an artist myself, I can tell how amazingly you are able to take those little elements and compile them into awesome little self-portraits.
That's why I love wearing your works -- they are SO you, whether you're trying to be deep or just throwing out a little combination that struck you as fun and interesting. No matter what it is, I love it. You have the skill that a jewelry designer needs -- the ability to kind of branch out and make a small expression that a potential wearer can relate to, reach out and buy it, and wear as their own, as something THEY can relate to. I hope I don't sound like I'm just trying to flatter you, because I'm not. I genuinely love your stuff more than I've ever loved any jewelry I've ever bought my entire life. I genuinely feel like you have something amazing to offer the world, and if you ever quit I would cry for weeks.
But... I didn't know mom was in jail. *sighs* Not that I'm surprised... honestly, when I hear she's in jail I feel relieved... you know mom is the type who just wins friends in jail/rehab. She isn't the type who gets thrown into "the institution" and gets harassed by others... she always ends up the "mother goose" type, which is why I am always kinda relieved when I hear she's been picked up by the Man. She hates it, I know, and I know her drug-doing ilk hate being cooped up in the institutions, but you and I both know that's better for her in the longrun. If Mom were anyone else I'd be worried, but I know how she is... she gets into a jail and other women look up to her and look to her for guidance. She isn't exactly risking getting her ass beat/getting harassed in jail. I think she helps other people when she's there, even if she hates to admit it to herself, and I think it's good for her, though I'd never say it to her face.
I'm mostly worried as hell about Corey. I don't know if you know this, but, well, while Asperger's syndrome is one of those "trendy" syndromes people like to throw around lately for anyone with social awkwardness, Cory's little brother is a TEXTBOOK case and I am 100% certain Corey has it too. It's been next to impossible to explain that to mom or to Kevin, but I guarantee you Corey has it, and I worry about her every day, but I haven't really known what the fuck I'm supposed to do about it. It's a real disease, and I'm pretty fucking positive our little sister has it... and I know she won't get help with it any time soon. ><
As for your anxiety/agoraphobia: well, you sound exactly like me. The good news is, if you can manage to see a doctor, you'll be in great shape; if not, you'll survive until you CAN. Don't stress it. Just rest assured that those like us suffer from the quirky artistic aspect with an increased incidence for neuroses... :3 We're high-functioning, we just have a little extra trouble elsewhere. It still beats being completely mental and begging on the streets for food, right?
God, I want to support Corey so much, but with my social anxiety, calling her up leaves me so much more mentally handicapped than I am when I, say, call a stranger. I want to help, but I Call and she goes all Silent Bob on me. I understand what she's going through, but I just fucking clam up. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her, I mean, I could work extra and send her money if I had to, but other than that, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say on the phone. I don't have a way to visit because my car got totaled a couple of weeks ago (as you probably saw).
I am still so deeply affected by the visit I had with you, when Preston and I took you and Manny to Macaroni Grill and you were still a teenager, and you sat there and poured your heart out about how worried you were about her. I still to this day don't understand how you managed to raise yourself SO well. I mean, you had more than enough reason to be pissed at the entire family, and yet there you were, expressing your concern for our little sis. You have a huge heart, and I look up to you so much for that.
As for Kevin... baby, please please understand. He is a good man, but any good man exposed to a volatile force like Mom is going to, as you probably know, be driven to about the worst possible plane known to man. You have been such a good daughter his entire relationship with Mom. I witnessed you getting punished for minor offenses like crappy grades in your pre-teens while Corey got away with everything. It's not Corey's fault, it's not anyone's fault... it's just human weakness. I want you to remember how AMAZING you are to me, and how everyone in this family knows how great you are. Everyone is just too scared to sit and look at the facts. You are seriously one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and it makes me cry to think of it. HOnestly, I want to confront Mom and Kevin both and scream at them for not giving you the recognition you deserve, but I think both you and I know they wouldn't be smart enough to understand where I was coming from.
Just be strong, and know that I'll always always always ALWAYS be here for you. ♥ I am so, so proud of you, and I'll be here for you any time you need me. You are my brilliant, powerful little sister and you are a massive inspriration for me every day. I talk about you to everyone I ever meet -- you seriously are one of the coolest people who's ever come into my life.
I love you! ♥
Don't forget you can call or text me any time.
I'm gonna go slack off some more -- I'm still a teeny bit sick. But I love you lots and lots. Be good.
xoxo
long story short: my little sister (victoria), my littlest sister (corey), and I (mandy) all had different Dads. our mom has always been a druggie mess. she's a loving, sweet woman, but hasn't ever had a grip over her drug addiction or her loneliness. her daughters have been left in the crossfire. that's about the size of it. i was raised by my father (single dad), my little sister was raised by mom and her stepdad, and our littlest sister was raised by them (and stepdad is her actual dad, so she's gotten favored treatment).
little sister is an amazing jewelsmith and i wear the jewelry she's made almost every day. when i was a voice actress, she looked up to me immensely. i mean, no, fuck it, she looks up to me even now, and i look up to her even more than that, though i'd probably never be able to convince her of it.
she's an amazing kid. god, i love her.
(yes, i'm still bedridden -- bear with me... another couple of days, tops, i'm guessing.)
little sister wrote:I really appreciate you and all of your kinds words and I'm so happy you enjoy your stuff! Thank your friends and anyone you know who likes my shop, it's a definite compliment :) And thank you for the tips. Subtle colors with a pop do seem to be pretty well liked. I'll do requests from anyone, any day too! And if there's something you like up there, tell me now, I can save you one or something surely. I just got tired of seeing the same old mainstream unimaginative junk. And the "hipster" or "poetic" look which is pretty popular is rather expensive if you leave it up to the stores, ironically enough I guess. Or not. Whatever ;D There's some pretty rad stuff on Etsy though, check it out. Handmade is beast.
I still have so many supplies but I don't have the cash right now to keep the site fully up, so if something's not there, I might actually have it. I'm giving it up soon however, or taking up a different medium at least, unless I can find a place that doesn't import everything from China or Taiwan. Damn near impossible for this country and my broke tail but I don't enjoy encouraging companies to continue to source out cheap, unfair labor, or from any source I can't track. Sorry to get all self righteous and preachy on you, haha. Anyhow I sew and I'm learning to crochet and want to use organic textiles and fabric for clothes and accessories if I can find the money and the right source for them. I might have to hand-dye the fabrics for the right effects but that just makes for more awesome potential! I'd love to work together with you on these projects one day if you are ever interested! It will definitely be a big one.
And on the family front, not to bombard you with my own 'depresso-drama' but mom's been in jail for the past 4 months, and in and out before that. If you want details, just ask.
I don't know that any of what's been happening around that house will help your anxiety at all. It hasn't helped mine. Really, I doubt she would have ever been home for your phone calls anyway, so don't fret about that. If anything, you're the distant favorite ;)
Mom's either gone or home briefly, picking locks and taking the doors off of the hinges to get anything of value, nothing new. She took my car a few times which I had to pick up from the impound, and has had other family members lie to me about borrowing my stuff. Of course, that's why I had to leave. It's still happening to Corey and Kevin too. I'm pretty sure my bank is still looking to prosecute her for fraudulent charges, I don't even know anymore.
She called me 2 or 3 days ago, but when I called back, Corey told me she was gone again. I have a big problem with trusting people now, but I guess that's an inevitable survival trait anyway.
So I guess I know what you mean, anxiety is tough, living there kept me under a lot of stress and I know it's affecting you too. It's seriously stunted my self esteem and social growth so far, not to be all pitiful and such. I'm pretty sure I'm some sort of undiagnosed bipolar (mom definitely is) or at least high anxiety/obsessive behaviors with a good amount of agoraphobia, or an anxiety of social situations in general. I guess who isn't these days? I've never had healthcare, or a real doctor, psychological or otherwise. Sean's mom actually paid for my doctor visit today (and all the ones I've had recently, minus the jaw break, she's very sweet) I've got Strep and some other gunk now but I also need to get my bone density checked since I seem to be in overall crappy health for being so young. He said it's probably because of bad diet, namely canned or boxed foods, etc. and stress. What sucks is I can't imagine Corey will be better, she doesn't go outside and lives on Top Ramen and the same crap. I do hope you find a relief for your mental ailments soon though, it's a long and tiring battle against the self.
I won't go on about how I feel about the situation with mom but drugs do tend to take away self control and it seems Kevin doesn't have enough of a problem with letting her do as she pleases, enabling it to happen. Corey is miserable, especially with mom there, she tells me. Send her a picture or something when you have time one of these days, would you? Corey needs you and I, even more than mom does at this point, all she has is art and video games right now. And Kevin is distant and cold as ever, just a looming presence in the back room.
And on that note, not to be a sad sack, I wasn't able to see anyone this Christmas because we worked that day and they kept Sean and I WAY longer than we said we would stay. I told the family I couldn't make it. My biological dad passed away last year and I couldn't see his family either, and I'm the only grandchild. Last time I talked to Kevin though, he told me "You obviously don't care about us, so I don't care about you". Mom comes back from jail and gets welcomed, I'm too busy on a holiday and get blacklisted. I'm just a bit confused is all, but again, nothing new.
So, I'm very sorry to invade your brainspace with all this text, all this nonsense and all of this weight, but it's been a while since we've talked. I know you're dealing with your own situations right now. You, and the family you know here are all I have in blood, and I'd like to keep in touch. There's an infinite amount of things we need to discuss, and even more to learn about one another so let's get together really, really soon. Let me know when you have time, and we'll schedule something someday. Haha we have a lot in common; I absolutely hate driving, but I don't mind if it's to see you. ♥
love you dear
holydust wrote:That's what I dig about your stuff. You are walking the line between classic and hipster TOTALLY effortlessly. There is nothing pretentious about it -- every piece you make is totally you, and not a single piece ever has made me question whether it came directly from your heart or not. One may wonder just how deep an artist can go with pieces individually bought from separate stores, but as an artist myself, I can tell how amazingly you are able to take those little elements and compile them into awesome little self-portraits.
That's why I love wearing your works -- they are SO you, whether you're trying to be deep or just throwing out a little combination that struck you as fun and interesting. No matter what it is, I love it. You have the skill that a jewelry designer needs -- the ability to kind of branch out and make a small expression that a potential wearer can relate to, reach out and buy it, and wear as their own, as something THEY can relate to. I hope I don't sound like I'm just trying to flatter you, because I'm not. I genuinely love your stuff more than I've ever loved any jewelry I've ever bought my entire life. I genuinely feel like you have something amazing to offer the world, and if you ever quit I would cry for weeks.
But... I didn't know mom was in jail. *sighs* Not that I'm surprised... honestly, when I hear she's in jail I feel relieved... you know mom is the type who just wins friends in jail/rehab. She isn't the type who gets thrown into "the institution" and gets harassed by others... she always ends up the "mother goose" type, which is why I am always kinda relieved when I hear she's been picked up by the Man. She hates it, I know, and I know her drug-doing ilk hate being cooped up in the institutions, but you and I both know that's better for her in the longrun. If Mom were anyone else I'd be worried, but I know how she is... she gets into a jail and other women look up to her and look to her for guidance. She isn't exactly risking getting her ass beat/getting harassed in jail. I think she helps other people when she's there, even if she hates to admit it to herself, and I think it's good for her, though I'd never say it to her face.
I'm mostly worried as hell about Corey. I don't know if you know this, but, well, while Asperger's syndrome is one of those "trendy" syndromes people like to throw around lately for anyone with social awkwardness, Cory's little brother is a TEXTBOOK case and I am 100% certain Corey has it too. It's been next to impossible to explain that to mom or to Kevin, but I guarantee you Corey has it, and I worry about her every day, but I haven't really known what the fuck I'm supposed to do about it. It's a real disease, and I'm pretty fucking positive our little sister has it... and I know she won't get help with it any time soon. ><
As for your anxiety/agoraphobia: well, you sound exactly like me. The good news is, if you can manage to see a doctor, you'll be in great shape; if not, you'll survive until you CAN. Don't stress it. Just rest assured that those like us suffer from the quirky artistic aspect with an increased incidence for neuroses... :3 We're high-functioning, we just have a little extra trouble elsewhere. It still beats being completely mental and begging on the streets for food, right?
God, I want to support Corey so much, but with my social anxiety, calling her up leaves me so much more mentally handicapped than I am when I, say, call a stranger. I want to help, but I Call and she goes all Silent Bob on me. I understand what she's going through, but I just fucking clam up. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her, I mean, I could work extra and send her money if I had to, but other than that, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say on the phone. I don't have a way to visit because my car got totaled a couple of weeks ago (as you probably saw).
I am still so deeply affected by the visit I had with you, when Preston and I took you and Manny to Macaroni Grill and you were still a teenager, and you sat there and poured your heart out about how worried you were about her. I still to this day don't understand how you managed to raise yourself SO well. I mean, you had more than enough reason to be pissed at the entire family, and yet there you were, expressing your concern for our little sis. You have a huge heart, and I look up to you so much for that.
As for Kevin... baby, please please understand. He is a good man, but any good man exposed to a volatile force like Mom is going to, as you probably know, be driven to about the worst possible plane known to man. You have been such a good daughter his entire relationship with Mom. I witnessed you getting punished for minor offenses like crappy grades in your pre-teens while Corey got away with everything. It's not Corey's fault, it's not anyone's fault... it's just human weakness. I want you to remember how AMAZING you are to me, and how everyone in this family knows how great you are. Everyone is just too scared to sit and look at the facts. You are seriously one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and it makes me cry to think of it. HOnestly, I want to confront Mom and Kevin both and scream at them for not giving you the recognition you deserve, but I think both you and I know they wouldn't be smart enough to understand where I was coming from.
Just be strong, and know that I'll always always always ALWAYS be here for you. ♥ I am so, so proud of you, and I'll be here for you any time you need me. You are my brilliant, powerful little sister and you are a massive inspriration for me every day. I talk about you to everyone I ever meet -- you seriously are one of the coolest people who's ever come into my life.
I love you! ♥
Don't forget you can call or text me any time.
I'm gonna go slack off some more -- I'm still a teeny bit sick. But I love you lots and lots. Be good.
xoxo
i should be in bed :D
Posted 14 years agobut
http://www.ugo.com/movies/hotties-o.....rror-abernathy
god, I could watch deathproof over and over and over
and for you weeaboos who have no idea, the sexy cheerleader (lee) in the bg is ramona flowers from scott pilgrim vs. the world. EAT IT
(i also just saw her bite it in the awful awful awful AWFUL remake of "black christmas"... don't bother)
Lee: [Zoe asks Kim if she still has her gun] You carry a gun?
Kim: Hell yeah.
Lee: Well... do you have a license to carry that?
Kim: [Zoe laughs quietly] Uh, yeah... they gave it to me after I became a Secret Service Agent...
Lee: Oh, I didn't know that -
[Zoe laughs some more]
Lee: [Lee turns to Abernathy] Did you know that she carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. But, do I know? Yes.
Kim: Well, look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but where I live, a bitch need a gun! If I go down at midnight to do my laundry, I might get my ass raped!
Lee: [the girls laugh] Don't do your laundry at midnight, then.
Kim: Fuck that! I'll do my fucking laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry!
http://www.ugo.com/movies/hotties-o.....rror-abernathy
god, I could watch deathproof over and over and over
and for you weeaboos who have no idea, the sexy cheerleader (lee) in the bg is ramona flowers from scott pilgrim vs. the world. EAT IT
(i also just saw her bite it in the awful awful awful AWFUL remake of "black christmas"... don't bother)
Lee: [Zoe asks Kim if she still has her gun] You carry a gun?
Kim: Hell yeah.
Lee: Well... do you have a license to carry that?
Kim: [Zoe laughs quietly] Uh, yeah... they gave it to me after I became a Secret Service Agent...
Lee: Oh, I didn't know that -
[Zoe laughs some more]
Lee: [Lee turns to Abernathy] Did you know that she carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Now, do I approve? No. But, do I know? Yes.
Kim: Well, look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but where I live, a bitch need a gun! If I go down at midnight to do my laundry, I might get my ass raped!
Lee: [the girls laugh] Don't do your laundry at midnight, then.
Kim: Fuck that! I'll do my fucking laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry!
nerdy, but... bear with me.
Posted 14 years agothis morning:
I don't know how dorky this is -- maybe you wouldn't understand, but... still trying to bond with my gliders -- this morning echo was still waking up, sitting in the wheel. they're a lot like us in the morning, really. i always worry too much, so i opened the door and passed a pine nut to her to see if she'd take it or freak out on me. she gripped it, held it to her chest, and gave me a "thanks" look. so proud. /geek
going to an "alice in wonderland"-themed grown-up-girls tea party on the 2nd of april. just found out the hostess had sugar gliders of her own until recently. omg, you guys. totally freaking out. i've known this girl almost a year and didn't know she had gliders. so this is going to be dorkier than i imagined. i'm going to have to try not to hog her for the whole party with cat-lady (glider-lady) discussions.
on the other end of things, still kind of bed-ridden. i bit my cheek in my sleep two days ago, and while i could probably handle a broken wrist or arm with no issues, biting the inside of my cheek pretty much knocks me on the floor because it gets worse and worse before it ever gets better. i have failed in my workout with azelyn for a day and a half now and i am DETERMINED to get better and make up for it. for now, though, i'm a total wuss laying on the floor whining about how bad my cheek hurts.
goddamnit. why do mouth injuries have to hurt so much.
I don't know how dorky this is -- maybe you wouldn't understand, but... still trying to bond with my gliders -- this morning echo was still waking up, sitting in the wheel. they're a lot like us in the morning, really. i always worry too much, so i opened the door and passed a pine nut to her to see if she'd take it or freak out on me. she gripped it, held it to her chest, and gave me a "thanks" look. so proud. /geek
going to an "alice in wonderland"-themed grown-up-girls tea party on the 2nd of april. just found out the hostess had sugar gliders of her own until recently. omg, you guys. totally freaking out. i've known this girl almost a year and didn't know she had gliders. so this is going to be dorkier than i imagined. i'm going to have to try not to hog her for the whole party with cat-lady (glider-lady) discussions.
on the other end of things, still kind of bed-ridden. i bit my cheek in my sleep two days ago, and while i could probably handle a broken wrist or arm with no issues, biting the inside of my cheek pretty much knocks me on the floor because it gets worse and worse before it ever gets better. i have failed in my workout with
azelyn for a day and a half now and i am DETERMINED to get better and make up for it. for now, though, i'm a total wuss laying on the floor whining about how bad my cheek hurts.goddamnit. why do mouth injuries have to hurt so much.
