At the request of an artist, some of my pictures have been removed from my gallery.

Also added prev first and next tags.

I made three of these damn things so I guess I thought it'd be a good idea to make a folder.
I did.
Progress will be slow.

Yer gettin whatcha pay for here.

2020 is dead.

Me and Konu have gym memberships and today is the first completed day of my workout regimen.
I weigh 208 lbs atm (huge compared to the 300 i used to weigh).
But where before I was aiming to shed weight, now I'm looking to put on muscle.
I'm going to be doing an Arms/Chest day, a Legs day, and then a day of rest.
I'm also going to be cutting down on smoking.
I picked up the bad habit last year but it never really got beyond 3-4 cigs a day.
With this new year focused on health, I want to minimize and eventually quit.
There's also a possibility of joining a boxing gym just to have something active that isn't just weights.

Things are still tight. Life is still hard. But I still have a lot of things to strive for.

Hoping your new year has its silver linings too.

-Garr.

It's been a while.

I have some things I wanted to post up here and had a minute to do so.

Work is still work but I drive forklift now.
Could be worse.
Still using my phone for all this so excuse my brevity.

I'm also getting back into writing.
I never really stopped but i am working on being faster.
Ideally I'd like to start taking commissions again.
Whether as scenes or short stories.
Will update more fully later.

Til then.

Things are better.

Six pictures or so inc from the past year that never got uploaded.

Enjoy.

I am typing this from my phone.
Three or four days ago, i got in another car accident.
I am okay. Konu was mostly okay.
Wasn't our fault. Was stopped at a red light behind other cars.
Person rammed us at 40 mph or so.
Car's totalled. Still working at Amazon.
When it rains it pours I guess.
Wish we could catch a fuckin break.
Not asking for help. Just letting y'all know.

2 accidents in two weeks... it hardly feels real.

Hello delicious friends.

I won't be spitting the bullshit today.
This is legitimately an update journal for those who I know and talk to.
I cant reach everyone of you personally in what's a very chaotic period of time for me.
So hopefully this will suffice.

A big part of the reason why I've been so awol lately has been trying to make my move to Connecticut work.
This last month in particular has been very difficult.
I've been working two jobs between warehouse work at Amazon Sunday - Wednes 6pm- 430am and CVS picking up 30+ hours on the off days.
For a while I've grown more and more distant as I took tylenol and monsters to keep me going.

But I won't be doing that anymore.

Last night at around 5:00 am, I was driving home from a long day of loader work when I got into a car accident.
Caused one actually.
In the way that only a person who's never gotten into an accident can, I was on autopilot driving home.
I'm usually a safe driver. Never have gotten a ticket in my life. Drive cautiously.
And I thought everything was normal and then suddenly I was T-boning another car at 40 mph at an intersection.
I'm okay. The other guy is okay. I think the cars are totalled but I'm still within 24 hours of this... thing happening.
I dont remember the intersection or seeing a yellow light and gunning it or anything.
I didn't even hit the brakes.
But apparently I ran a red light and slammed fullbore into the side of the other guy's car.
In all honesty, we're both pretty lucky to be alive and I have the safety engineers of cars to thank for being able to type to you all.
in my mind... everything was normal. I'd even waited half an hour before going home coz I was tired.
Paramedics are pretty sure I fell asleep. I don't.. remember passing out..
In a lot of ways I'm still coming to terms with my own... dysphoria.
I cant stress how much I felt like everything was just fine.
But I did get into an accident and T-bone collisions are pretty definitive.
If not for a bystander having seen the collision, I might even be considering that the other guy ran the light. I just don't know.
I've got a bad bruise on my wrist and shoulder/collarbone. My right knee is a little fucked.. but nothing bad.
I was x-rayed and I didn't even so much as get a hairline fracture.
I'm pretty lucky to be alive. The other guy was able to walk away from his own car and declined the ambulance.

To me this is a kind of a wakeup call.
I've been living off Tylenol and Monster to get me through these rough days..
Trying to make enough cash to help dig out the mountain of problems we deal with to keep the lights on and the house going.
We were even making progress on all of it. I was excited to finally afford new shoes. To be able to get a haircut.
But I think I've been over extending myself. And I can't just ignore something as big as this.
I don't know what we're going to do without a car at the moment. I dont even think we had collision on our insurance.
This isn't a journal asking for help. But I wanted everyone to know what was going on.
I'm going to be quitting my CVS job so I can have some days where I can rest.. get my senses back under control.
I wouldn't wish this kind of self doubt on anyone. It was all fine and just suddenly wasn't.
I didn't even feel a twinge of fear before the accident.

So the only thing I can think of that happened is I've been running myself ragged and propping myself up with monster/pain killers.
I think the monster energy drink I had kept me feeling awake despite being tired.
In the way that a blackout drunk can still be active, I must've zoned out or slept... anything and it almost cost me everything.
So I'm taking a step back.
I don't want something else like this to happen but life goes on and I can't just... hole up and do nothing. I have to move forward.

The sort of.. kicker here is that this past week  Konubadger had come to visit.
As some of you may or may not know, Konu, Fahlma, Lyceum, Garoul and I have been forming a polyamorous relationship.
We've been working towards getting an apartment together.. saving up money to be like our own little family.
As of today at least, Konu has actually decided to stay with Lyceum and I here in Connecticut.
He's looking at transferring his amazon job and his college credits over to equivalents here.
I'm of mixed feelings. I am happy to have him here... But obviously I wish it was under better circumstances.
Fahlma is still in Tennessee and ideally we can bring him up here too instead of leaving him back in TN alone.
But things are... still in flux. I still need to call my family even as I write this journal.
Which... for all concerned parties.. that sort of tells you all how I feel about most of you.
As close and on par to family as anything I have.

The doc says I should be able to get back to work on Sunday.
I will probably go back to work, but I should be able to slow down on the days off. Talk more. Stay in touch.

There's parts of me that feel a little like my character's backstory.
Amazing life changing event... over in less than 3 hours and everything is just... supposed to be back to normal.
But I'm a changed man now. My perspective is different. I don't have an eyepatch or walk with a limp.
These bruises will heal and life goes on.
But i've also hurt the ones who love and care about me. Worried them and as Konu so kindly put it..
When one of us bleeds, we all bleed.
I'm no longer just living my life for myself anymore. People depend on me. Love me. Care about me.
I have to be especially careful now.

So, in parting words, I'm sorry for having been so distant with you all. My plate has been full for a long time.
I was joking with the paramedics that I didn't know where the work pains started and the crash pains ended.
I just want to take this small moment of your precious attention to say that you have to take care of yourselves.
Don't short yourself on sleep. Be patient with yourselves. Life is a marathon, not a race.
No matter how important everything is... You have to take a second and step back sometimes. Evaluate.
I got lucky. I get a second chance. Not everyone does.

Be good to eachother friends and especially good to yourselves.

I should go back to getting some rest., We can talk more as things push forward.
But thank you for your time and attention.

--L26.

...is already past. June 12th.
Im 29 now and i mostly wanted to say thanks to everyone who dropped in.
I got stuck with a long shift today so i wasn't able to pal around like i wanted to.
You all do your parts in keeping me going and i hope i pay back some of that in kind.

To the people I haven't kept up with, I havent forgotten about you all. Times are tough lately and there's still a lot i need to get done. But everyday i get a little closer.

I got a little more art comin down the pipe. A finished commission i need to post and stuff from zeus thats hopefully almost finished being colored and no news from gannypiggy. Still hoping on that front, but theyve disappeared a little bit. Hopefully theyre alright.

I'll see you guys around.

Cheers

---

Writing Commissions

---

"So."

The word hangs in the air, both as a question and as statement of fact.

"Let's talk.

It's not the bear you're used to seeing with a grin on his face and blood on his knuckles.

"My name is Fen. I'm Garr's brother."

A shadow of a smile plays around the edge of his lips.

"You may have heard of him."

Before you sits a svelte black bear behind a mahogany desk.
His thin white brows crease as he reaches down to pull open a drawer that doesn't seem to make any noise at all.
Earthy brown eyes placidly look down for a moment before fixating upon you once more.
A moment later, he pushes an envelope in front of you with his fingertips but his hand doesn't retract, pinning it beneath.

"And I am here to tell you that I am opening up writing commissions."

There's a poignant pause and then he continues.

"I am looking to offer my services as a writer. There are examples of my writing scattered across the gallery here underneath pictures like http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17100272/ and http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16817424/ . As things move forward, I will host more examples as they are completed."

"I'm a very versatile author. Here are topics that I would excel at."

Sex: Whether it's romantic and heartfelt, an anonymous encounter that feels wrong and right at the same time, or rough and powerful, I capture the mood and the sordid details of any affair.

Fighting: One of my passions, I enjoy writing about action packed sequences. Guns or hand to hand combat, I make encounters feel dynamic and impactful. I capture the mood of a friendly brawl or the tense blood pounding pressure of a battle with your fiercest rival.

Realism: Does your character feel disconnected? Do you sometimes wish you were able to ground your character into a living and breathing environment? Building realistic worlds for your character to inhabit can add a lot of depth to the attachment to your character as they prowl around subways looking for an easy fuck or spend their afternoons sitting in the window of a coffee shop, smiling at a text from their significant other.

Fantasy: Wish your character lived the epic lifestyle that your art portrays? Does magic flow through their fingers or demon blood run through their veins? Are you a burly warrior wading into battle with nigh but a loincloth and an iron will? Are you in search of relics that will fulfill your darkest desires or are you looking to stand against injustice in the face of impossible odds? Set out upon a new adventure today.

Fetish Topics: There is very little that I will not consider*. Ask me about yours and I will discuss with you whether or not I think I can capture the spirit of what turns you on. My only real concern is making sure that it hits your buttons. Topics include: Fightfucking, Hypnotism, Musk, Feet, Incest, Muscle Worship, Macro, Humiliation, Degradation, Power Exchange, BDSM, and Transformation to name a few.

*At this point in time, the only thing I will not write is Cub. This list is not definitive and may be subject to change.

"Since I am a little new to the commissioning process, I would like to start small. I often think of writing in terms of film. There are scenes in the larger whole of the movie that capture an idea or sentiment. From that moment when your eyes lock in a stranger in a club to the moment, you're pulling up your pants and leaving them dazed and drooling with a happy smile on their face in the bathroom stall for example. I'm envisioning one to two pages (roughly, subject to more if necessary) to get into the habit of taking your idea and giving you something you're happy with on a next day basis.

The bear slowly lifts his hand off of the envelope that had been sitting in front of you all this time.

"I am looking to charge $10 for a scene like this. In the coming days I will be setting up a paypal invoice system to streamline the process. Until then, you can contact me through the comment section on this journal with questions."

The bear sits back in his chair and folds his fingers together.

"I know this is unorthodox and that you may want to wait for examples of this kind of writing before considering your purchase. I understand that this site is mostly for art but I look forward to bringing you an extra dimension to your characters."

---

Status

---

Welp.

With that out of the way, I safely landed in CT on the 12th and have been looking for work since.
My visit to Konu and Fahlma's was amazing. Playing games, watching movies, getting gutpunched and fooling around... I got to meet my friends for the first time but with all of the talking we'd done beforehand it just felt like picking up where we left off. There is a lot of love in my heart and hope for the future since that visit and I look forward to reuniting again.

Living with Lyceum has likewise been amazing. CT is beautiful and getting to start fresh again has me feeling motivated in a way that I haven't been in a long time. Being able to be there for Matt with emotional and physical support has been a huge relief off of my mind but there is still a lot to be done. That's not to say it hasn't been fun though. Sharing videos and showing eachother games has been a total blast.
Where before the idea of being in a polygamous relationship was maybe just an idle idea, it now feels like more and more of a good plan and when we're all living under the same roof, I look forward to essentially making my new family.

Money is a little bit tight and the job hunt is a little slow, which is part of what prompted me to make this journal.
Things are not in dire straights but a little extra cash in pocket while the job search continues wouldn't hurt.
I'm actually pretty excited about getting to write for you guys.
I have a lot of things I want to do like live writing sessions ala  Draconicon and possibly opening up for more indepth short story commissions.
When something bites, this will probably slow down a bit while I adjust to a new schedule but it is something I'd like to continue doing.

Anyways.

Posting this up. Responses may be a little slow as I flip from device to device but I look forward to hearing from all of you.




Still not down and out yet boys.

2016's neck bent off at an awkward angle as the bear's booted foot stomped down to the ground and with a slow smile the bear grinned.


Out with the old.



In with the new.

*kicks 2016 down into the stocks for the guillotine and then locks it in place*
*checks his watch*

I can't wait to watch you go 2016.

Just a few more hours left.

Y'know...
I don't tend to really address you guys.

I get art of Garr.
I post it.

Sometimes, you guys comment or fave and sometimes you don't.
It's kinda rare that I'll respond to comments and our whole arrangement is just this strange and awkward thing.
I'm a writer posting art that isn't mine and building my own elaborate inner canon that most probably won't hear.

There's an exhibitionist in me and a brick wall paved into the doorway of my halls.
Some of you have found the side entrances and gotten inside.
Some of you have wound up with me at your door.

...

I hate talking like this sometimes, but I'm compelled to at the same time.
I guess it was just something on my mind that for whatever reason needed to come out.

And.. I've had a lot of things on my mind.

I'm ending a chapter of my life.
In the pretty near future, I'm going to be moving to Connecticut.
And.. I'm going to be starting a new one with some friends in a poly relationship.

This.. has been complicated in so many ways.

There's a lot I keep wanting to say and then delete.

But I guess the long and short of what's necessary to say is that to the people who've gotten to know me, I'm sorry I've been distant.
I haven't really fully been able to be myself.

Change is coming and with it, hopefully I'm going to restabilize.
I would've done this more personally to whom it may have concerned, but things will be moving quickly soon.
Two weeks from now soon.

There's not much more for me to say here. Not in a public spectrum.

This trainwreck of a journal (thematically at least) will have to suffice until I can get grounded again.

As for the future... This is painful but I'm optomistic.
I've been needing to take control of my life for a while now and this is the first step.
I have hope.

Aside from this announcement of sorts, I have a little other news.
I've got some commissions from gannypiggy and zeus coming down the line that will be violent in nature. Gory even.
So for those that enjoy that, there's something to look forward to.

Other than that.. It will probably take me some time to settle but I will try to be back to my usual self soon.

-L26

Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a half blind bear, stumbling hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a bear.
I was conscious only of my weariness as a thug, unaware that I was myself.
Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again.
Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a bear, or whether I am now a bear, dreaming I am a man.
Between a bear and a man there is necessarily a distinction.

The transition is called the transformation of material things.

 Brutemaw does some seriously great work. There's no raffle, but he has so few views it's criminal.
He could use a couple bucks for vet bills though. Check him out.

 Ashpond is doing a random pick raffle for journal posts.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7786240/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7786240/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7786240/

Found a journal from  Rubberkitten boosting this incredible artist.
Be sure and check out  Kacha and hop on in for a raffle.
4 prizes in all.

The journal:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/20887947/

 ECTMonster is hosting up a comic of theirs that is absolutely gorgeous and your life would be better for checking it out.

www.serpentsong.com

Words from ECT themselves here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7702912/

I'm 28 now. But I thought I was turning 29.
I guess I've got more time than I thought.

Tagged by  ty_desoto

In no particular order of importance.

Fact 1: Two Sides To The Coin.

Garr is actually a half of my two OC's that I think of as making up my fursona.
He has a brother named Fen.
Garr is the loud, angry, boisterous, arrogant, eyepatch wearing, punching with a grin asshole.
Fen is the quiet, calculating, ruthless, thinlipped, organized facilitator.
Of the two of them, Fen is the younger sibling and more powerful by far, including physically.

Fact 2: Texas Implant.

I'm not actually from Texas. I moved from Bakersfield, California.
Way back when I was attending college for veterinary studies, I came back home during spring break.
At the time, I was dealing with how to come out to my Roman Catholic parents.
During that vacation, it felt like they were trying to out me because of things they said.
So I finally came out of the closet.
They were caught completely by surprise and the conversation did not go well.
After my first year of college, I filled a backpack and got in the car and drove to stay with friends in TX.
We get along better now, but my parents are still under the assumption that my homosexuality is a phase.

Fact 3: Fighting RP pt. 1 - Thug Bear

While Garr is predominantly dominant, it's long been a facet of Garr's character that he is fallible.
He has had his fair share of losses.
All things considered, he probably loses more times than he wins.
Garr loves to fight and its the struggle.
Whether he's the one pushing someone around or whether he's fighting for his life.
All the matters to the bear is making an impression, "Give em a show" as he likes to say.
A brilliant flash of lightning that heralds the thunder and then fades away.

Fact 4: Fighting RP pt. 2 - The Savage Noble

Garr's primary tenet is an admiration of strength in its many forms.
When he picks on someone smaller, its like a test of sorts.
To try and push the person into showing him a measure of their worth.
Once he gets into a position of advantage, he likes to goad to have a person strive to reach their capacity.
Part of this is the bear's ego, but there's also a kind of strange evaluation process going on as well.
In a lot of ways the degradation he doles out is designed to break preconceived notions.
To inspire rage and drive.

Fact 5: S&M IRL

I have actually practiced a little bit of S&M in real life and would like to explore more of it.
Activities have included spanking, choking, pup play and backslapping.
Things I am interested in getting involved with are gutpunching and whipping.
And not just as one side but as both the dominant and the submissive.
There's a kind of unorthodox romance in the almost medieval renditions of suffering.
For me, I think its tied to the immense trust that is required.
A submissive shows a remarkable capacity to endure while a dominant shows a firm grip of control.
There are many subtle facets to the fascination I have with S&M and I am still in the midst of exploring them.

Fact 6: Rooted in Realism

While I do fight rp quite extensively, I think a large part of that stems from having practiced martial arts.
I used to belong to a school that taught Goju Ryu Karate Do.
It was an Okinawan school that prided itself on powerful strikes.
I practiced way back in elementary as a means of exercise.
I'd stopped when I hit highschool due to the long hours of education and extracurriculars.
I got all the way up to the rank just before blackbelt.

Fact 7: Happy Violence

Despite having fairly violent literary tastes, I'm actually a pretty nice person most of the time.
Usually I'm the one keeping the peace and trying to keep violence from escalating.
I think in a lot of ways, the rp is a way to let my fictional self punch through problems.
At least instead of having to deal with them with politeness.

Fact 8: Design 101

Garr was never intended to actually become my OC.
He was originally a throwaway npc guard captain but ended up becoming mine.
Even the choice to make him a bear had been made on a whim.
It took me 3 months of rping to finally come out of denial and really embrace the beast.
When I finally did and decided to get art of him, I tried to make him the most nondescript possible character.
So much of the character was his attitude that I didn't want visually distinguishing characteristics.
When I sat looking at my purely black bear
(including the muzzle because I never actually looked at what a real black bear looked like)
I had some second thoughts.
That's when Garr got his white brows, slight goatee, and the patch of white chest fur
The patch has become a bit more like a blaze now.
Sexually, the only real claim to fame the bear has is being uncut and having a much thicker than average cock.

Bonus Fact 1: Vanity Becomes Reality

The eyepatch actually came out of the fact that the first artist to draw garr insisted that I give Garr a set of armor.
I was actually quite happy to keep the nude and call it a day.
But rockblackhorn pushed and pushed until I finally agreed.
I searched up a leather armor set and decided to throw in the eyepatch on a whim.
Admittedly, I thought they looked cool. It was just an accessory.
When I comissioned more art of him later, the eyepatch was kept in.
I hadn't thought to correct the artist and I decided I liked it.
As I began to write with him having it, I enjoyed it more and more and finally embraced it as a character feature.
But embracing it as a feature meant (to me at least) owning up to the requisite consequences.

No Jokes, the featured submission on my page, was essentially a tribute to people who actually have had to suffer through the trauma of losing an eye in the real world.
No anime swords or broken bottles... Just a true depiction of the actual tragedy that losing an eye entails.

---

There you go. More reading than you can shake a stick at.
I won't bother tagging anyone but hopefully this was a little insightful and more importantly, entertaining to someone.

Cheers.

 treats put out a pretty amazing piece for  fuzzytoaster and it inspired me to write up a short little something.
I don't feel right making this a submission but fuzzy said it made his day and  Konubadger liked it enough to save it.
So here it is.

The picture the story is based off of: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19184356/

---

I worried.
It's what we all did.
Every time Red went back out there, we knew he was the most capable.
My leg was in constant pain... Jim had long since snapped, unable to do more than shake his head and moan incomprehensibly.

Sometimes it was hours... It'd even been days before.
That week when he'd returned with that abandoned SUV of supplies... And we'd had a car to plow through those... monsters.
The dread suspicion that he might turn and that solemn, but proud look on his face as we sat around that burning barrel with our can of beans.
We hated the beans... but we loved not starving... And there weren't words for how we felt about Red.

He was our hero. He did what we could not.
Of course he would come back...
As our leader, he carried his responsibility like a mantle that cavalierly flared behind him as he leapt over abandoned cars with ease.

When our supplies dwindled... None of us wanted to look at Red.
We knew. He knew... But we couldn't ask him to.
So when he disappeared the next day, we just... knew.

Secretly, we all wondered what he would bring back.
Whether he'd splurge and bring us back some sweets.
What corny pun he would come up with as he opened up his dufflebag, smiling like a proud father as he provided for us..

But days.. turned into a week...
We rationed what we could but we hadn't expected him to take two weeks and when our final can of beans finally emptied..
We waited. We worried.
A week turned into the painful knifestab of another day without Red.

When Tom went silent in the middle of our conversation, his body shaking... I asked him what was wrong.
Tom had always remained calm as our lookout.
His face now looked like shattered glass and I felt a horrible knot grow in my stomach.
As I hobbled to the lookout station and grabbed the second pair of binoculars, Tom's pair dropped to the ground, shaking out of his hand.

Red's pants were in tatters, stained with blood.
His eye glassy as he hobbled purposefully towards our encampment, thick spongy spires jaggedly spiking from his back..
I felt my stomach lurch as I found myself unable to look away from the stark skinless bony maw that would never smile again.

Red had come back.

He always did.

LYCEUM OPENING COMMISSIONS
https://www.furaffinity.net/user/lyceum/

From his journal:

Hey there friends.

I'm in a very tight spot right now and I am in need of some help. I was let go from last job because of some health concerns that came about because of my time there, and my current job is a one day a week seasonal position.

In short: I have no money left to pay my bills.

So, I'm taking commissions.

I'm a writer, and writing is the only thing I can do with all this down time (besides pounding the pavement for another job, as I have been doing), so I'm throwing my hat into the proverbial ring.

I'm looking right now at about 4-5 page stories for around fifteen dollars. Examples of my work are on my page.

Please help if you can. Right now, I would need at least ten commissions at that price to break even for the month.

Thanks a lot, and hang in there friends
Lyceum

----

He's tryin' real hard folks. If you're into humiliation, spanking or even a little good ol fashioned bondage, he could write you up summin purdy.

From the Bottom to the Top now we are here, Bottom to the top and the whole gang is here! I got this from  RacthetMechanic

You know what you did.

As for everyone else, not pulling any punches here. What you see as a number is whatcher gonna get.


Comment and I will:

1. Tell you what animal/creature you remind me of.
2. Tell you what color I think fits you.
3. Tell you how I feel about you.
4. Insult you.
5. Tell you my favorite OC of yours.
6. Tell you what season you remind me of.
7. Tell you what food you smell like in my head.
8. Think of a random nickname for you.
9. Tell you what element you remind me of.
10. Ask you to put this in your journal without using the word 'tag'