For whomever it may be of interest. Yes I've seen the tweets. Anybody who cares about my opinion on it can see what I had to say about it 8 years ago. I still stand by every word. Nothing I've seen him accused of surprises me but obviously I wasn't there so I have no firsthand proof other than what's been given. All I can say for certain is that... well none of it surprises me. I feel like between that and my own accounts that really says everything.

I've not had anything to do with him for a long ass while now, and I pray that I never have anything to do with him again. I think that also says everything.

I hope this is all I will ever have to say on the matter ever again.

So here I am 9 months later, and a couple days change. It doesn't seem like much of a landmark, but with it intersecting with gay marriage being made legal in all 50 states on the same day that would have been our 9th anniversary had their not been a serious case of shitlording happen, it somewhat forced me to think back on how things have been since I got to experience the joy of.. well terrible life changing shit.

It hardly seems like it's been 9 months since I got tossed aside to make way for someone who I hated so very much even before I got tossed aside for them. More like 3? I guess time flies when your distracting yourself with other things. Dark souls took a couple months out of my schedule in and of itself. But no it really has been that long.

It seems sad to say but it was only recently that I had a revelation about the whole affair. I had spent months blaming myself for what happened. Trying to figure out what I could have done to avoided it. I knew I wasn't getting them back and within a week of putting up with all the crap that was going on I didn't really WANT them back either.. but it still didn't mean I didn't want to know what I could have done differently, where I messed up, why I could end up being betrayed so badly when I had spent years being loyal and doing everything I could think of to make them happy and make things work. It wasn't healthly but I felt like i had to solve this mystery or else it would happen again. Eventually I was offered a few 'reasons' why it didn't work out. I put it as 'reasons' because it took me all of 5 minutes tear them apart like thin paper.

The most insane accusation was that I had been keeping him from interacting with his friends.
Who i had been begging him for months to do more things with much to his disinterest
Who had all told me they stopped doing things with him mostly because he insisted on dragging along the monster he had become infatuated with, and after a string of stuff like transphobia, ableism, and just general being a shit they no longer wanted to deal with that person, and such didn't want to do things with him.
All the while himself having made a bargaining with me that we would go out and socialize more in exchange for letting him do some things I didn't really approve of.

So yeah. I didn't really find it a very valid complaint, I broke it down and gave him all the proof that I had been constantly trying to get him to do stuff wit his friends and in return he gave me a response that basically told me he was too sold on the idea of this being my fault and I just kinda gave up on it.

In the end he never was able to tell me a single reason why. When it first happened he admitted he had no real reasons he could think of that I had failed him. The poor excuses only came weeks to months later and seemed more like things he was told than things he had decided and could back up.

And if that seems like a massive tangent, it really isn't, because this in and of itself was the problem. The revelation I had was.. There was never anything I could have done to stop this. If i had known about his new lovers history of being a manipulative monster, their history of breaking up couples for their own personal gain, or even just really about manipution and indocrtination then maybe yeah I could have stopped them from messing with his head so much... but even then it was only a matter of time till someone else comes along.

I know that probably sounds.. kind of crazy what I just said. But to be frank it was only as things falling apart that I started to find out that yeah, his new lover was.. pretty fucked up. I found people that they had messed up before. I found out how they abused BDSM, I found out insultingly enough that my Ex wasn't even their plan A. He was plan B at most, someone having come forward to tell me that while this shitlord was preditating on my Ex they had also been trying to take over this other persons relationship. Basically started as a sub dom thing, then they started talking about wanting to be their boyfriend instead.. cracks were found in his and their mates relationship and this shithole started working them apart. It almost worked too, but in the end they figured it out and told him to GTFO. And right after that was when they went hardcore on fucking with me and my ex. My Ex was even told all this by the person it happened too.. but of course he didn't believe it.

There was never any chance for me to stop someone who could fuck with someone that bad mentally. I had known for a long time they were gaslighty and pretty much textbook mentally abusive. But I never really could have expected that it was that horrible as that.

But even if i could have stopped someone who just about everyone i know that has met them will eagerly use the word "monster" to describe.. It was only a matter of time till someone else had come along and fucked with things.

My Ex.. he never could keep himself from cheating. It was a terrible fault but one that I was prepared to live with. he cheated on our old Dom a couple times. Me 4-5 times that i know of And he cheated with those people by never being honest about me not being okay with him dating other people in that manner. He also took on several doms without me knowing and against my approval... and mislead them into thinking they were his only owner. So that's another set of cheating multiplied by.. however many people were involved in it... I had gotten used to it. I comforted myself in the fact he always was sorry about it and that he had never tried to dump me in favor of one.. but mostly it was because when they found out i wasn't cool with it they all got pissed at him rather than greedy. He finally met someone who didn't care about morals, they just wanted him. And it didn't matter if they had to cheat on their own mate to do it because hey they were already doing that.

Yeah. Basically his new husband had a mate at the same time he was doing all this cheating. A really super loyal submissive one at that who I will assume by those facts was probably a prior victim themselves. This shithorder told everyone who found out their mate was suicidal and that was the only reason tehy were still with them, and so it that basically made it okay for them to cheat and was why no one would ever tell them about the cheating.

Yeah that suicidal bit turned out to be a lie, shocker.

So yeah the long and short of all that.. I never had a chance. Maybe if i had managed to make the move to Berlin? But that's iffy also.
Still it's not much of a solace. I went from feeling helpless and guilty about not protecting him and doing my part in the relationship, to feeling just helpless knowing I couldn't have done anything afterall. Not a great change, just with less guilt.

But it's not like that changes much. Someone made a post on tumblr about how massively it fucks someone up when you cheat on them. That is such an understatement. Forget the material losses or the potential losses.. those are innumerable to list anyways. The total loss of self worth, the loss of motivation, the loss of my creative spark. The loss of feeling safe. The loss of being loved. Those are just a few of the more emotional wreckage im still dealing with. Even this long after Im still occasionally having nightmares about him. I still feel like i dont have the energy to spend on a relationship with anyone anymore and fear that if I do it will just end in tragedy again. I've tried a few more creative endeavors but just don't have the creativity anymore or the drive to push to do them. I trust people even less, which is impressive, and generally have just been miserable and alone.

When I was first dumped people came out of the woodwork trying to woo me to be in a relationship with them. But i couldn't and wouldn't subject myself to that and they lost interest in me. Not before I threw myself on any cock that was offered first. A relationship I couldn't do, but I was so depressed that warming as many beds as I could seemed like a good way to fight off the hollow tearing that I felt inside. It didn't stop me from waking up the next morning, heart pounding, sternum feeling like someone had been doing the river dance on it all the prior night, feeling worthless and depressed. But it helped in the moment, even if i did probably mak people think less of me.

Perhaps the worst thing of all wasn't the break up, it was that when he dumped me he made it clear he still wanted to keep me around. It wasn't a "I hate you" situation, it was a demotion. From mate to best friend with benefits. Of course this wouldn't stand with their new mate. They had said it was okay although i didn't believe that, I had even in a moment of depression given them a timeline for how they were going to continue to make me suffer and it turned out to be fairly accurate within the span of a week, but it didn't take long for them to start interfering. Time alone with him was almost impossible, even talking on Skype it was with them in the call. Even if they said nothing or were supposedly asleep, apparently he was never not in a call with them. And in about a month after the dumping I saw myself go from "best friend impossible to see us never being close" to persona no gratis. One day he just disappeared during a break we were taking gaming. Hours later I would find he went off to do things with his new mate. Fair i suppose, but not really polite to just leave without any word. He got chewed out by another friend and agreed it wasn't right what he did and he would rectify the situation. Those words always stuck with me. It made it sound like it wasn't his idea to disappear and not reply to texts. But in the end the way it was rectified was he never did things with me ever again. No telling me this, he just simply avoided the topic whenever it was brought up. This would be his normal go to whenever he had to stop doing something. he could never ust tell me he wanted or needed to stop, i always had to find out by making a fool out of myself by asking repeatedly until i figured it out on my own.

By the end of the year he had stopped talking to me, he hadn't told me he wanted to stop talking to me, he just did. outside of sending me the rare message that he had made a decision about something that would effect me, I got no communications. then those stopped when his mate decided to vandalize my house on SL, resulting in them getting banned from the area. He never apologized.. not to the land owner, not to me, never even acknowledged their mate had done anything wrong. They jut up and left

I was not the only one that this happened too. Pretty much all his friends that I knew of have given me the same story. Either he never talked to them or they all found themselves not getting replies. Some got blocked even. One... One of them was someone he really always cared about deeply. Even after all the insanity they were the last to go. I commissioned them for some art and I have to feel that it was why it happened. Not long after it was posted the two of them had an argument about how he wanted a picture done and how they didn't want to do it. It ended up with them getting tossed aside like me, erased from his life like so many others. It has been depressing to watch.. through all the shit he put me through and did to me I never could hate him. I wanted to at times, I felt like it would be easier if I could. But I always knew he was kind of a victim in this.. I could never hate him for that.

This has been super rambly and personal. I don't really know how long I will keep it up. I just felt the need to muse and talk about shit on this day, being forced to reflect on it by the events of the day. Oh what a 9th anniversary present it would have been to wake up to find out our marriage was legal to pursue everywhere in the US. Instead I suppose it will have to be what I try and supplant the meaning of this day with. That relationship is dead even if its effects on me are terrifyingly still full of life. Hell the person that I loved.. everyone pretty much agrees that version of him, the kind naive but mostly good natured person I fell in love with.. is dead now. we all watched the corpse decay, both in terms of humanity and artistry. I suppose I simply remember his ghost now. And the tragedy is that I know it wont last. He has a serious problem with cheating, their new mate has a serious problem with cheating alongside being a monster who was jut using him as a backup plan.. that's not a foundation for a relationship that has legs. So at the end of it all our mateship will have been ruined for nothing worthwhile. But i guess i have to make peace with that, and eventually he will have to deal with the fallout of it. I tend to believe in Karma, All these things will catch up to you, in the end.

Anyways I will shut up now. I just wanted to vent and maybe put my thoughts out there in somewhat of an order to run them over in my head again. If i had any message to anyone else it would be cherish every moment you have with your loved ones. You will regret every argument, every wasted moment, the second they are gone.

Yeah it blows. Didn't think it could/would ever happen to me but here we are.

Expect me to be pretty much depressed and despondent for a long while.

if it isn't already anyways.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE

Whats the fox say by Ylvis.

Just..
Just....
I don't.. even..
I can't words.
I
Can't
Words

So I see Psi didn't bother putting up a journal about this XD stupid Psi. Anywho Me and Psi are going to be staying at a hotel with each other this week and probably out of contact for the duration. Watch him hook something up with his tablet and make me into a lier.

But in case he doesn't then yeah. So no freaking out and worrying.

Aaaaand now my comp is in the shop
posting from a wii
pitty it dont do flash, coc would be nice distraction right now

26 years ago today the most important event in my entire life occured. And I wouldnt even know it until decades later :O

Happy Birthday  Psistorm ! <3 you Eternally,

You know im bored when i have nothing better to do than perpetuate some meme that probably has already fallen out of fad. Anyways heres them thar rule things.


1) Choose one of your own characters.
2) Make them answer the following questions.
3) Then tag three people.
4) Feel free to add some questions of your own.

Character name: Murry (middlename withheld) Soothsayer


1) What gender are you?
Male... usualy >.> its been known to change on a temporary basis.

2) What is your age?
woof thats a tricky one. Dragon hybrids age kinda wonky. Chronologicaly im 30, physically probably a few years older than that.

3) Do you want a hug?
I dunno. do you want to leave with all your bones intact?

4) Do you have any bad habits?
Oh god yes. Im rude at times, I dont think much of myself, I also have a bad habit of using creative logic to make things my mates fault.

5) What is your favorite food?
*gets a creepy focused look in his eyes* chicken. Chicken bacon ranch especially.

6) What is your favorite ice-cream flavor?
erm i dunno. Chocolate i guess? ive never really tried much else

7) Are you a virgin?
Heeee noo.

8) Have you killed anyone?
I prefer the term "creatively disabled vital functions" but umm.. they got better? Im not stupid enough to kill someone whos going to /stay/ dead.

9) Do you hate anyone?
Yes. just about everyone. I'm like 95% hate and 4% spite

10) Do you have any secrets?
Well yeah. but i mean.. why bother asking?

11) What is your favorite season?
Winter. I like the snow and I like the lack of pollen even more.

12) Who is your best friend(s)?
ack. Im not going to answer that! I'll probably forget someone and then they will be all like "omg you dont like me as much as so and so!"

13) What are your hobbies?
Steampunkery, blame shiftology, and general mischeviousness.

14) What is your favorite drink?
I dunno. I never really thought about it

15) When is your birthday?
Annualy. Duh.

17) Are you nice or mean?
See question 9 and figure it out yourself *mutters*

18) Do you have any siblings?
Yes...

19) What do you think of your parents?
I try not to. Both of them are completely crazy in their own way and I thank every day I dont have suffer their whims.

20) Do you like your school?
umm... I havnt been in school for a while now o.o;

21) How long can you stay under water?
Well technicaly i guess forever but im pretty sure id be dead after the first few minutes?

22) Do you have a mission in life?
I wouldnt say its a mission but I do seem to test my mates love and tolerance on a daily basis

23) Do you love someone?
As far as they know! :D (see what i mean?)

24) What's your favorite band?
bwa. Umm.. I dunno. I guess Dr. Steel but thats not really a band so much as an artist? I guess if were talking strickly band then it would be Blind Guardian currently although i also like Gorillaz

25) Ever worn a dress?
*grumbles*

26) Want to have kids?
Not sure. Maybe, but thats kinda tricky.

27) Favorite videogame?
anything where I can blow shit up?

28) At night...?
the moon is out? what is this? I dont even..

29) Ever kissed anyone?
yes. Many different places.

30) What's your favorite thing to touch?
*coughs* just how risque is this interview supposed to be? I mean i could say but.. thats getting really erm.. detailed.

31) Anyone love you?
They claim to!

32) What's your favorite color?
Red?

33) When was the last time you cried?
unno. probably not an epically long time ago.

34) Do you have a pet?
That depends on what you mean by a pet. like.. pet pet or the BDSM style one?

35) Are you mad(crazy)?
Probably. But at least im not boring!

36) What are you?
Kind of late for that kind of question isnt it? If you mean species then it should be pretty evident that im a green dragon/tiger hybrid. Theres a little panther in there too on my dads side but its not really noticable.

37) What color eyes do you have?
kinda yellowish i guess?

38) Choose: ninjas (stealth) or pirates (rum)
Cyborg vampirates


Now for my own questions!

39) Any Enemies?
Not really.. Theres this one bitch that likes to cause trouble but shes mostly focused on my mate now and they seem to fight more for the fun and rewards than any actual lingering animosity. Other than that i dunno, my mom? Not really an enemy but i do wish shi would leave me alone >.>

40) Whats your greatest accomplishment
I guess managing to find someone who i havnt been able to drive away even after 5 years of daily contact.

41) Any special powers?
Well Im fairly decent at altering organic matter, i.e. transformation.

42) If you had a million dollars?
Id be rich? I dunno. Parents are kinda loaded so money hasnt really been an issue yet. I guess id probably think about puting my steampunk hobbism to a more profitable use.


Now to tag some victims!

 Psistorm
 Myrilla
 NeyoDragon

Sucks to be you guys!

He talked me into trying out some gorgonzola cheese and not only did I not enjoy it, now the smell is stuck in my nose >.< I keep smelling the stuff where there is none. Im also tasting it in wierd places >.< Curse you Psi!

I want to see a band RPG. Like I dunno. kicking ass with the power of rock or debuffing enemies with emo music. It gets stupider when i think how the vocalist could be a medic, the bassist some sort of tank.. not sure about the lead guitar and drummer tho. Mebbe the drummer should be the tank. ah well.

derf.

So im a few hours into the game and while its started out fun but.. well let me share the events of half an hour of gameplay.


So ive done some missions, got a lot of cash, picked up a few treasures and am heading into town to go to the general store to sell some gold and buy me a fast new horse after my other horse decided it couldnt stand living anymore and charged over a cliff when i called it, plummeting into the ground. Stepping into town i see a blue circle meaning an event is happening. Okay so whats going on? oh hey the general store just got robbed by.. a guy who robbed it before and I shot through the head with a shotgun to the chin. Okay so thats wierd but I go and chase him and eventualy lasso him now that I have one. Bring him back to the storekeep, get a reward aaaannd.. the storekeep wont stop kicking him in the head. So I cant buy or sell there.

Fine. Theres a bounty up anways and oh hey its for 240 bucks, sweet. I head to the point and cut through ridgewood farms and.. suddenly get a bounty and loose honor for some reason. great. Then while riding past the house I get to close to a mission marker apparently and am forced into Cart race by a con artist, loosing out on my bounty mission.

One annoying cart race later with a suicidal horse that kept trying to ram itself into cliffs im dumped into the middle of no where, but its close to the next treasure map location so I stat to head there, but hey theres a sherrif needing help and I do want to get back the honor I lost randomly. How hard can it be to kill some bandits.

So the bandits are dead and the sherrif decides instead of taking back the safe they stole himself, that I should do it. And the location is all the way back in Armadillo where i started out, fuck. Oh and one of the horses pulling the cart got shot in the fight with the gang, so I got just one. Part of the way back some robbers attack my cart and basicaly force me off the side of a hill, sending the cart tumbling and killing the horse failing the mission. A few seconds later im dead as they run over me and shoot me in the face a lot. Crap

Reviving i see im pretty close to Armadillo, so I head over that way, intent on finishing the business i tried to start 20 some minutes ago. As i head into town... the General Store gets robbed, again.

*headdesks* I hate you rockstar. You managed to make a fun game more annoying than GTA and your super Emo buddy cell phone pals.



oh right. working on a new sofa. Mebbe Psi will make me put pics up. Mebbe not.

http://www.formspring.me/msoothsayer

because im fadtastic.

watch me forget this exists in 5..4..3..tw-hey whats with that shiney thing over there?

First of all allow me to apologize. I dont like cluttering up peoples new submissions with a meme, nor do I really like it to be the first journal I make on FA.. but unfortunately I was "Tagged" by my mate and well >.> Kind of have to do it when your own mate subjects you to it you know?

So go totaly thank  psistorm for this if you annoyed at another meme.


Anyways..

1. I'm one of those wierdos that likes Steampunk and Art Deco but I would only consider myself a dabbler at best. I enjoy the look and mentality behind such things but production of them is iffy at best.

2. I have a very small ego and as such I think little of my own creations and accomplishments. I list this as second because I know my mate will read the first and leap to say something about it. So by placing it here I effectively cockblock him from pestering me about it and glide through the next 6 free of harrasment.

3. I have a laundry list of fetishes but perhaps the most debilitating one involves mechanical limbs and/or sentient machines.

4. The most excersised is rubber and bondage. I didnt use to find it appealing but after getting on SL where such things are /everywhere/ I eventualy changed my tune and now see the appeal and the allure of it all.

5. My first mate was a Wolf, and after a sudden breakup where he vicously verbally attacked me self esteem and faults I couldnt stand looking at imagry of even real wolves let alone anthro ones. little over a decade later I am now mated to another wolf >.>;;

6. Because of said drama I actualy did leave the fandom and athro art for about 7 years before coming back under a different name. I was surprised to find out where some of my old booty calls ended up in the fandom :D One especialy got way up there.. but Im not going to say who :P

7. I've known I was Bisexual since I was 8. Nothing child abusive happened, I just stumbled across some discarded gay porn mag and it was like "oh hey, thats actualy not to bad.." Funnily enough it was also my first exposure to anthro porn as the magazine had a drawing of a minotaur witeh a giant cock inside. I never really had any self turmoil over the revelation i was Bisexual, nor have i ever felt like it was nessary for me to "come out of the closet" to my family as i just dont see it as a giant defining part of me that needs to be out there.

8. I have a wierd quirk in that my brain tends to find something thats irritating or annoying that could be changed and then latches onto it until its resolved. If I dont find a way to get rid or fix the annoying thing it tends to linger and overcloud my mood until its taken care of.


So there you go. 8 things about me. And who am I going to tag?

No One! Thats right, your all safe. Im not going to perpetuate this meme o.o;; Bad enough you all had to read my response to it.