Maybe I'm burning out because of my job, maybe I'm losing hope, maybe I just can't bring myself to care about anything anymore. Caring about anything is a pretty direct route to trauma when we'll be lucky if we reach the end of the century without billions of deaths, and there's a good chance of as many well before that. All because a few ultra-rich scumbags driven by nothing but greed put their desire to see line go up ahead of anything else, and spineless shits of politicians are too petrified to even tax them to reverse any of the damage and stagnation of society caused by ever more extreme wealth ineqaulity. Easier to just let everything get swept away, whatever happens they can afford to endure whatever we can't.

I think I gave the whole art thing a good shot earlier this year and last year, I improved a lot and I'm proud of that, but it hasn't got me far. I charge nothing or pocket change to have stuff that I can put out there. Friends I've known for many years do less to help me with that than people I barely know. I get more interaction for art I didn't even create than art I put months of work into. The mere thought of working on art or any of the other stuff I used to enjoy creating makes me feel pain. My last invested experience in an online gaming community was so toxic it caused me actual stress, and I see nothing but bland, homogenous experiences or at least ones that completely fail to capture my interest in the artistic medium of video games that I used to love.

I'm thankful for people that've made a genuine effort to help me get my art out there, or to get to know me or even be friends. It isn't that I want to be left alone, I just have low expectations. If I didn't have such trouble getting people that I've got commissions with jointly to pay their share, it might've been different, but there are too many other ways I've been let down. I'm traumatised and fucking tired. Exhausted even, after all I've been doing this for many years. Not just furry art, that's been on and off, not just stupid time-wasting attempts at relationships, I mean creative things in general. Gamedev, pixel art, electronic music, modding, level/environment design. None of it has really gone far, and so I'm still a wage slave, wondering why I bother carrying on when the shit is very clearly in the process of hitting the fan.