woo finally a clean sf fanfic

ima use this space to be annoying!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1478394

You do that.

I gotta tell ya, I'm not much of a fan of this style with the journal entries followed by narrative. I think you'd be better off trying to incorporate what is written in those journals into the actual dialogue or actions. It'd be a lot better if you chose to either stick with a first-person or third-person narrative, and by the looks of things, you'd probably need to go with third-person.

Also, I think you should probably find a better way of introducing new settings. This thing you use with "Back on the Great Fox:" followed by dialogue makes it seem like you're trying to write a script instead of a story. Be more descriptive. How about where are they in space? What part of the Great Fox are they in? That's all stuff you could throw in there that increases the length of the story while also giving valuable pieces of information that helps to immerse the reader in the story.

You have a few grammatical and mechanics errors, but I'm sure if you read through it again you'll probably be able to pick those out. Take these kinds of things into account when you write fan fiction or any other prose pieces. The story has potential, but you need to draw your reader in and make them care instead of just telling them what's going on. Keep at it.

Thank you much for the tips. I will definitely read over it again. Probably edit the other chapters before I post them, too.

Once again I thank you for the critique, and if you have time, perhaps you could check again, because I've changed the file to a recently updated one. If you do take the time to do so, please, point out any glaring mistakes.

I'll try to get to it by tomorrow at the latest. I'll be sure to check it out.

Alright, just finished taking a look at it. Here's what I got for you.

1) Don't use footnotes. You're not writing a dissertation, you're writing fiction. Even in books where authors have their characters say something in dialogue that isn't English, they don't translate it for the reader. You shouldn't do this either, especially since you didn't write any dialogue for Tricky in that instance. What you could do is just describe what he sounds like, if its grumbles or barking or whatever.

2) You mention your character going onto a beach and then say that he's staying in the shadows. There aren't any shadows on a beach for someone to keep to. They're usually open areas with no cover. Having black fur would actually cause him to stand out by walking onto that beach, unless it was night time which you didn't specify, and even then it would make it difficult for him to salvage anything from his ship if that were the case.

3) I think you should expand on why Fox and Krystal go to Sauria. All you mention is that Tricky's wants them there, but nothing else. Just say something brief like "there's a stranded traveler on the planet that needs assistance." You could then play on Falco being annoyed because they're not an intergalactic towing service or something to that effect.

4) I have no problem with them being outside the Lylat System, but when you mention them seeing a shining light that they 'assume' to be Solar kinda confused me. I'm not big on science fiction, but I would think that they would have certain stars and systems mapped out so that they'd know definitively which star is which and as a result, what system they're currently drifting towards. It's just bad word usage and is easily fixed by deleting the word "assumed".

Other than that it is an improvement. I'm still not a fan of the journal entry thing, but that's the format you want to work with and it serves its purpose, so keep at it.

And once again, thanks for the critique. For 1, 2, and 3, yeah, makes sense. As for 4, It may or may not have been very easy for them to tell exactly what direction they were facing when the Aparoid homeworld exploded, so I was just kind of going off of that.

Oh, and I didn't keep the Journal thing. I kind of booted it after chapter one because I decided I didn't really like it either, but by the time I really decided that, it was a little late to really change it.

Well I can understand you're reasoning, but consider this: If they don't know exactly where they are in relation to Solar or anything else besides what was the Aparoid home world, how would Fox and Krystal know which direction Sauria is in? It's a bit of a plot hole there.

Hmm. Good point.