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Shackled and taken to the Shogun's Palace, Ryouji and his friends are at the end of their journey. How can an exile and two foreigners possibly convince the most powerful man in the Shogunate to let them go?
This will probably be buried in the onrush of "OMG FA IS BACK UP" submissions, but you can't blame me for trying.
Holy shit, two in a row? Third episode in a month's time? I'm crazy. I'm also pausing for a while. I need feedback on this one; I kind of feel like it's a make or break moment for the series. I'm not sure if I've written an OAR episode with this much dialogue, and if it doesn't all come off exactly right, the effect is going to be lost.
Is the Shogun convincing? Can you believe that this man rules a nation? That his actions are those of a man in his position? That his words convey the sense of honor and traditionalism embedded in his nation's culture? I may be overthinking this, but goddamn, this needs to be right, like nothing before. So yeah, taking a break on OAR, despite my current level of excitement. Gotta get this one right, and I didn't even get feedback on the last one as it is. (It's not too late!)
BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Shackled and taken to the Shogun's Palace, Ryouji and his friends are at the end of their journey. How can an exile and two foreigners possibly convince the most powerful man in the Shogunate to let them go?
This will probably be buried in the onrush of "OMG FA IS BACK UP" submissions, but you can't blame me for trying.
Holy shit, two in a row? Third episode in a month's time? I'm crazy. I'm also pausing for a while. I need feedback on this one; I kind of feel like it's a make or break moment for the series. I'm not sure if I've written an OAR episode with this much dialogue, and if it doesn't all come off exactly right, the effect is going to be lost.
Is the Shogun convincing? Can you believe that this man rules a nation? That his actions are those of a man in his position? That his words convey the sense of honor and traditionalism embedded in his nation's culture? I may be overthinking this, but goddamn, this needs to be right, like nothing before. So yeah, taking a break on OAR, despite my current level of excitement. Gotta get this one right, and I didn't even get feedback on the last one as it is. (It's not too late!)
BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Category Story / Anime
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 14.7 kB
Listed in Folders
If the position is hereditary, then any manner of person might be occupying the throne; I don't think you'd need to worry a lot about the personality of the Shogun unless you were implying he had clawed his way to power by manipulating or conquering his way there, instead of just being the oldest son of the right parent(s).
He does seem strong enough to not be totally manipulated by his adviser, if that's what was concerning you. Maybe stick in a few more advisers and ministers who aren't necessarily heard, but are seen in the wings? An inner court, as opposed to the outer court where everyone was waiting?
He does seem strong enough to not be totally manipulated by his adviser, if that's what was concerning you. Maybe stick in a few more advisers and ministers who aren't necessarily heard, but are seen in the wings? An inner court, as opposed to the outer court where everyone was waiting?
Yeah, I think adding in a few advisors is a good idea. The guy present (who'll be identified later, fyi) is kind of his chief advisor, but nothing says there wouldn't be more, especially for the second audience.
As for the Shogun himself, yes, it's hereditary. I think... I think what my concern is actually deals with something that might not actually occur to anyone but me. He's got problems, the biggest one being that everyone loved his father and no one really cares about him. He's been lashing out, as it were, trying to win respect via intimidation, and it's not working so well. I really wanted him to say something about it to Ryouji, but it's not the kind of thing that would be said where anyone else might hear it. He's kind of hoping that, if Ryouji is telling the truth, then clearing a criminal of their crimes, finding the real criminal, and returning the leader of his own frigging armed forces from exile would do wonders for his image, not to mention his legacy. Even if nothing comes of it, he can still execute a convicted traitor.
As for the Shogun himself, yes, it's hereditary. I think... I think what my concern is actually deals with something that might not actually occur to anyone but me. He's got problems, the biggest one being that everyone loved his father and no one really cares about him. He's been lashing out, as it were, trying to win respect via intimidation, and it's not working so well. I really wanted him to say something about it to Ryouji, but it's not the kind of thing that would be said where anyone else might hear it. He's kind of hoping that, if Ryouji is telling the truth, then clearing a criminal of their crimes, finding the real criminal, and returning the leader of his own frigging armed forces from exile would do wonders for his image, not to mention his legacy. Even if nothing comes of it, he can still execute a convicted traitor.
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